Husband being dramatic over holiday

[Pluddy67]

I recently went away with a friend abroad.

I purchased my 2yo a small gift whilst there and also rang to speak to her every day. I also bought my sister a gift as she helped a couple of the days collecting from nursery when H wasn't home yet.

Husband made comments when I got back about it being unreasonable that I hadn't bought something for DSS. He also mentioned the fact I never even asked to speak to DSS or say hello when I facetimed our DD.

I think he's being silly and a bit dramatic. Especially re the facetime thing. Of course I missed our DD and wanted to see her. It may sound awful but I didn't think about DSS once and certainly didn't miss him, why would I be desperate to say hello to him?

DSS is 11 for reference.

So he lives with you 3 days a week, but that's not considered full time.

He lives with his Mum 4 days a week, but presumably that's not considered full time either...

Poor kid, it sounds like two houses but no home.

And sorry, but you sound bloody horrible!

“you don't need to talk to him, but to not even ask after him? when he lives there? not exactly a big ask.”

Again, OP asked what they had all been up to.

Not exactly a big ask to read all her posts, surely.

MN has this rigid , weird fairytale image of 'blended families' it's almost 'Trumpian in its thought process. In that it asserts things to be 'true' because they want them to be and doesn't acknowledge the reality

This is a really interesting point. I think much of the problem derives from there only being one title (“stepmother”/“stepfather”) which comes from a historical context which was entirely different. 100 years ago, having a stepmother would mean that your own mother had died. Divorce was a no-no. So you would be living with her under the same roof and, if she had children, their father would also have died. So you would, absolutely, be a “blended family” in that sense of the word, but one with only two parental figures. But it’s generally not like that these days; usually stepparents are there because of divorce or relationship breakdown. So a stepmother is very unlikely to be taking the place of a child’s mother - in fact, it’s likely there’ll be ructions if she tried to! So there simply isn’t “one size fits all” in these scenarios. I know stepparents who have taken on a toddler as their own when they’ve married a widower; I have another good friend who married someone much older and had step kids who’d be just about old enough to have been the parents of their half siblings. And a whole load in between. There isn’t one way.

(Amusing story from the friend with the older DH - she was organising a joint party with another mum whom she didn’t know that well for a couple of 7 year olds. And got really, really pissed off at the other mother’s judgemental attitude and the “we really ought to invite your SD” comments. In the end, she snapped and pointed out very forcefully that the reason she hadn’t was because SD was 26, lived on the other side of London with her boyfriend and under no circumstances would she want to come to a face painting party at 10am on a Sunday with a load of year 2 kids…..)

You choose to marry a man that had a child, you took on the role of Stepmum yet you treat the child like this ? One day your Daughter may have a stepmum, i hope she is better than you. That poor lad has to suffer you 3 times a week, i hope when he is under your roof he isn't made to feel like nothing.

How is all there OH? Put Matilda on, Hi Love, Mummy will be home soon.
What did you all get up to today? I suppose Simon is gaming? Tell him I said hi.

Ohhh look at that lovely teddy for DD, she will love that! I will grab Simon a Toblerone at the airport.

it’s that bloody simple.

I think it’s fine that you didn’t speak to him whilst you were away, like you say if he was there you would have said hi. I doubt he was bothered/ wanting to speak to you either.

I would have got him some sweets or chocolate though. He was at his mums so it’s not a big deal, he won’t know you got your DD something but it would be nice to get him a little something next time.

You know she wasn't actually asking about him, considering she said he hadn't entered her head the whole time she'd been away.

You sound like an asshole and you clearly don't like your stepson

YABVU not to even buy a small chocolate bar or similar gift for a child who lives with you 3 nights per week

If I were your DH, I'd be looking at you in a different light

I think step mothers get a lot of unnecessary flack on here, but even I think you're being unreasonable.

I mean chocolate from the airport would have been good since youngsters presents to others. I don't think you need to necessarily facetime him if that's not your relationship. Hbut a generator "how is ss? Playign with friends, cool. Say hi to him from me" Would have been nice. I don't think mn has realistic views on blended families but based on this very little info, it sounds like husband is not overreacting.

Disagree - when I am away, I may well ask my husband “what have you all been up to, what did you have for tea” and I would equally be asking about DH and both kids.

This thread is going in circles now. I’ll leave it there.

No I don't think your husband is being silly or dramatic. You just didn't think about his child at all, by your own admission so it didn't register for you to buy a small token gift. He lives with you 3 days a week so pretty shitty of you really not to even given him a thought.

You need to have a long, hard look at yourself because, on the evidence of this thread, you sound fucking awful.

Shocking behaviour OP

Because he wants you to be a kind step parent, who considers your step sons feelings of your own accord, not just because he's told you to.

I understand the speaking thing to be fair, but not asking about him or bringing back something for DD and completely not bothering with SS shows what type of step parent you really are.

It wouldn't have killed you, would it?

He is a member of your actual household, even if part-time, isn't he? (can't say family as you clearly don't think so)

I cannot imagine going away and buying a present for one child in a household and not another, even if they weren't related or even were just visiting! It's nothing, a small pressie, bar of chocolate, but means everything in terms of being fair. My mum buys Easter eggs for everyone in the house, even if they are only popping in for a min at Easter- giving things unfairly, even if 'hidden' (he may see the gift to the other person at another time).

It's just basic fairness to give everyone in your house a pressie on your return.

Also, you don't need to engage in conversations with an 11 year old, but you can say 'tell X I said hi and I hope he's having fun with his friends' and get the message passed on.

Easy-peasy stuff just to facilitate some sense that you are a household and not two divided families and parents.

I haven't read all replies, so might have been said already.
This is about your husband rather then your SS.
Your husband probably 'feels bad' his son has to live between houses/divorced parents. So you showing you care and put an effort to treat him like your kid as much as possible would bring comfort for himself.

But you seem to have drawn a clear line between a biological and a step child.

It's irrelevant if a 11 year old doesn't come to facetime or says they miss you.They are children, they dont have the same ability to think and to express themselves.

In that case I'd definitely have brought a gift back for him and I would have absolutely have asked how he was, and asked DH to say hi for me. FaceTime probably not necessary because he's 11 and unlike your toddler, he understands perfectly well where you are and why you're not around. But I don't understand why you wouldn't bring him something back? Just sweets or something would be fine. He lives at your house for three out of seven nights a week, ffs, it's not like he's an occasional visitor.

You don't have to 'miss' him but it's a bit shit to act like he doesn't exist.

Anyone who needs to be told to be half-way decent to a child (and HOW to) is a bit of a lost cause imo.

I can't comprehend how a child lives with you 3 nights a week and you have zero zero interest or care in them. Wow. Unbelievably cold.

If i were your husband, I'd be telling you do one - pronto.

He had his son before he met you. They came as a package.

Christ, I work with children, see them once a week for an hour and I've quite often bought them little gifts for Easter/Xmas etc or if I've seen something I think they'd love.

You honestly sound unbelievably self centred and cold. He's ELEVEN. FFS.

You sound extremely unpleasant.

He is an 11 year old child. You are an adult.

I would never have not bought for him. But the manner in which you speak about him is horrible.