Page 12 | Husband being dramatic over holiday

Pluddy67 · 2024-04-22T06:03:00+00:00

I recently went away with a friend abroad. I purchased my 2yo a small gift whilst there and also rang to speak to her every day. I also bought my sister a gift as she helped a couple of the days collecting from nursery when H wasn't home yet. Husband made comments when I got back about it being unreasonable that I hadn't bought something for DSS. He also mentioned the fact I never even asked to speak to DSS or say hello when I facetimed our DD. I think he's being silly and a bit dramatic. Especially re the facetime thing. Of course I missed our DD and wanted to see her. It may sound awful but I didn't think about DSS once and certainly didn't miss him, why would I be desperate to say hello to him? DSS is 11 for reference.

Scrunshine · 22/04/2024 14:15

Wow. Poor kid has his life ripped in half through no fault of his own and you don’t have enough empathy to even make him feel like you love him and he’s just as much part of your family as your husband and DD? Asking how he is or if he’s around to say hello to?! How will you feel when your husband inevitably gets sick of this cold attitude from you and your DD is living with him and another woman? Will you want her to feel loved in the half of her childhood that you miss?

sonjadog · 22/04/2024 14:21

If he wasn't there when you were away as he was at his Mum's, then how could you have asked your DH to speak to him? This doesn't add up...

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 22/04/2024 14:24

My partner who in not my dcs dad is always buying my dc gifts. His siblings also buy my dc gifts at Xmas and birthdays. I think this is normal behaviour for decent humans.
You seem rather cold op!
Poor dp and his son.
Shame on you

5128gap · 22/04/2024 14:25

Your H is probably a bit miffed about the holiday itself and cant say so because it makes him look bad, so is just looking for a stick to beat you with would be my guess. Because yes, it's an overreaction. If he thought you should have spoken to DSS (because that's exactly what 11 year old boys want to do!) then he'd have said so while you were there and it was still an option. Similarly he could have suggested you bring DS something back if he was that bothered.

weirdoboelady · 22/04/2024 14:27

I don't understand. Presumably you love your DH. So the things that are important to him should be important to you. The most important thing in your life is your 2yo (I am assuming). Don't you think that DSS is one of the most important things in your DH's life? So even if not for the sake of the DSS, wouldn't you ask about him as an important part of DH's life?

I really don't understand step-parents who don't seem to think about what an important figure they are in SCs' lives, or care about how their partner, the parent of a child, feels about their role and how the step- fits into this.

Iritatedbyarguingmn · 22/04/2024 14:28

Should have got him a token gift OP - sweets or chocolate ideal for an 11 year old .Highly unlikely he would have wanted to speak to you though at that age .

Divasaurus · 22/04/2024 14:28

You sound awful. Why wouldn’t you bring back a small gift, even some sweets, for your poor step son? He is 11! I would be livid if I was your DH and rethinking the relationship - not just because of the lack of gift but because of how this speaks volumes about the absence of any maternal feelings or even simple kindness towards his child, your daughter’s brother.

Crumpleton · 22/04/2024 14:29

Your title to this thread is misleading and isn't really about your DH being dramatic over a holiday..

It's more that you didn't think to buy his DS even the smallest of token gifts.

DDDN · 22/04/2024 14:29

StopTheGreyness · 22/04/2024 14:04

You need to have a long, hard look at yourself because, on the evidence of this thread, you sound fucking awful.

Agree with this! You keep justifying then blaming DH. The reality is your DH did not say anything because it is common sense and keeps giving you chances to redeem yourself. They are siblings. Both are your family. Be fair to both even if your heart has space only for your daughter. Being fair, kind, considerate does not require deep love or a biological relationship. How can you even love your DH if you feel such detachment to his child? Seriously, strangers give charity, friends give each other gifts, parents by presents when their kids attend classmate birthday parties, new neighbours come to dinner invite with a gift, colleagues buy secret santa gift - and you think asking to speak to your daughters’ brother or buying a gift is too much effort? Or you think should be requested specifically? I think you need to be honest with your DH that you will never feel an ounce of emotion for his son and feel no responsibility towards him at all. And it does not matter whether his son knows, his dad feels the pain on his behalf and is probably having a million thoughts about his future with you….

edited to add: I think you should really
look into why you are this way…it is not normal feel so detached/lack of a responsibility in a blended family unless boundaries have been out in place by child, bio mom, DH.

tetralaw · 22/04/2024 14:30

Poor boy.:(

AcrossthePond55 · 22/04/2024 14:33

@Pluddy67

Not bringing him a little something I think was a bit unkind. Every child likes gifts.

But the not speaking to him depends on DSS himself. My friend had a good relationship with her DSC, and at your DSS's age she would have been hurt my friend didn't ask to speak to her, but her DSS wouldn't have given a toss. Chances are he would have been gaming, hanging out with mates, or watching telly. He probably wouldn't have cared if his own dad had called. So my opinion is if DDS was/would have been hurt that you didn't speak with him, then YABU not to have done so. It would have taken very little time and effort. But if DSS himself wouldn't care then YANBU.

Going under the assumption that DSS wouldn't care and that it's your DH who's upset, I think you need to think about the future as far as what you may want to do for your DD vs what you want to do for DSS. MN is rife with "I'm taking MY child to Disney, DH wants me to take DSC but I don't want to" or "My DP are paying for MY child to private school, DH thinks they should pay for DSC to or I should refuse their offer" or the reverse: DH wanting to do 'special things' for or with his son to make up for not living with him full time. You need to think about these things and whether they're going to be 'dealbreakers' for either you or your DH.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/04/2024 14:39

too late to edit:

and at your DSS's age her DSD would have been hurt my friend didn't ask to speak to her,

notyetretired · 22/04/2024 14:41

MultiplaLight · 22/04/2024 07:38

WTF

You have to be one of the most selfish SMs around.

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I'm starting to believe this is not a real situation as I can't imagine any mum/step mum being quite so callous. Of course no expectation to speak to SS (he's a pre teen) but to ask about them and give them a gift as well is the bare minimum expected of being a kind human being.

If it is indeed real - which beggars belief - sorry for asking but where you 'the OW' before this? Can just about imagine someone like that just going for the kill (DH) without any consideration for the wider implications.

Bookworm20 · 22/04/2024 14:41

A few sweets or a keyring or something would have cost you peanuts.

The fact you didn't bring him anything at all, but got your dd and your sister something is pretty poor form. And I fear has cost you alot more than that couple of quid you've saved in terms of your relationship with both dss and your dh.

If he was 18, fair enough, but to an 11 year old, that would have meant alot to have got a little pressie from his stepmum from her holiday. I think that's the point you are missing entirely.
So he may not be aware dd got a teddy bear and he got nothing. But had you had a little something for him when he next came over, that would of meant something to him, and cost you next to nothing.

As for speaking on the phone, I get that part, but wouldn't have killed you to ask after him specifically in general.

I imagine your dh has brought this up as a 'dramatic' deal because maybe its the icing on the cake in terms of your effort with the little lad.

Imagine if you were seperated and at age 11 dd was spending half her time with a stepmum and the same situation arose. I bet you'd be straight on here ranting about the unfairness of it all, how your dd is treated as second best and left out of things.

PADDY17 · 22/04/2024 14:42

I think you are awful to do this and even feel like this. The poor kid.

My daughter has a step mum and if she treated my daughter with as much disdain as you, I would be absolutely horrified. To bring a present back to your own child and not for him. It may seem like a small thing to you but kids see and hear and feel a lot more than we can give them credit for.
I feel so so sorry for that kid with you as a stepmother. in fact, I think your husband should think twice about having you in his life.

notyetretired · 22/04/2024 14:43

notyetretired · 22/04/2024 14:41

I'm starting to believe this is not a real situation as I can't imagine any mum/step mum being quite so callous. Of course no expectation to speak to SS (he's a pre teen) but to ask about them and give them a gift as well is the bare minimum expected of being a kind human being.

If it is indeed real - which beggars belief - sorry for asking but where you 'the OW' before this? Can just about imagine someone like that just going for the kill (DH) without any consideration for the wider implications.

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@Pluddy67 It's not really a real story, is it? I just can't believe it...

excelledyourself · 22/04/2024 14:43

5128gap · 22/04/2024 14:25

Your H is probably a bit miffed about the holiday itself and cant say so because it makes him look bad, so is just looking for a stick to beat you with would be my guess. Because yes, it's an overreaction. If he thought you should have spoken to DSS (because that's exactly what 11 year old boys want to do!) then he'd have said so while you were there and it was still an option. Similarly he could have suggested you bring DS something back if he was that bothered.

Except he goes away himself, so why have you come to the conclusion he grudges OP time away?

And he probably hoped the mother of his child was decent enough not to need reminded she had a stepson at home who might appreciate a holiday gift.

InterIgnis · 22/04/2024 14:55

DDDN · 22/04/2024 14:29

Agree with this! You keep justifying then blaming DH. The reality is your DH did not say anything because it is common sense and keeps giving you chances to redeem yourself. They are siblings. Both are your family. Be fair to both even if your heart has space only for your daughter. Being fair, kind, considerate does not require deep love or a biological relationship. How can you even love your DH if you feel such detachment to his child? Seriously, strangers give charity, friends give each other gifts, parents by presents when their kids attend classmate birthday parties, new neighbours come to dinner invite with a gift, colleagues buy secret santa gift - and you think asking to speak to your daughters’ brother or buying a gift is too much effort? Or you think should be requested specifically? I think you need to be honest with your DH that you will never feel an ounce of emotion for his son and feel no responsibility towards him at all. And it does not matter whether his son knows, his dad feels the pain on his behalf and is probably having a million thoughts about his future with you….

edited to add: I think you should really
look into why you are this way…it is not normal feel so detached/lack of a responsibility in a blended family unless boundaries have been out in place by child, bio mom, DH.

Edited

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So everyone else can have that specific boundary but the stepparent can’t?

OP’s DH doesn’t bring either of his children back presents when he goes away, so it’s hardly a common expectation in their family. What is customary when it comes to gift giving varies dramatically from person to person, family to family.

Similarly, not all stepparents consider themselves responsible for their stepchildren, and nor do they have to. If the father wanted his son to have a stepmother that considered him her own then it was on him, as the parent, to make sure he didn’t date someone that wasn’t willing to take on that role. And yes, if he specifically wants OP to do something then he needs to express that.

Mensuckbigtime · 22/04/2024 14:58

Hey OP, I'm not a stepmum, but I had one growing up and it was an awful experience as I always felt I was intruding/ that she didn't like me/ that she wished she didn't have stepchildren.
She wasn't blatantly unfriendly but she made me feel unwelcome when I was at my dad's (for example, she'd "hide" "her cereal" at the back of the cupboard, so I wouldn't be able to find it- that's something that my DPs would have never done).

I'm not here to bash you, but ask if maybe you have "negative" feelings towards your stepson that maybe you need to adress.

If so, I think it's down to you to look into those as his a child and your a grown.up.

And children do.pick up on things like that and it really hurts.

I hope you can find a way to build a stronger relationship with your stepson!

theduchessofspork · 22/04/2024 15:04

OP - with love - you are being a bit of a dick

I doubt your husband expects you to feel about your SS the way you do your D, but you do have to treat kids the same, so you buy them both a present and at some point you ask to say Hi to him.

He’s not 2 and he doesn’t want to speak to big time, but yes knowing you think about him when you are away will be part of his security.

This is really basic stuff so just give it a bit more thought next time.

(I mean it when I say with love, I am a stepparent and it is tricky at times)

sandyhappypeople · 22/04/2024 15:06

InterIgnis · 22/04/2024 14:55

So everyone else can have that specific boundary but the stepparent can’t?

OP’s DH doesn’t bring either of his children back presents when he goes away, so it’s hardly a common expectation in their family. What is customary when it comes to gift giving varies dramatically from person to person, family to family.

Similarly, not all stepparents consider themselves responsible for their stepchildren, and nor do they have to. If the father wanted his son to have a stepmother that considered him her own then it was on him, as the parent, to make sure he didn’t date someone that wasn’t willing to take on that role. And yes, if he specifically wants OP to do something then he needs to express that.

Show quote history

Similarly, not all stepparents consider themselves responsible for their stepchildren, and nor do they have to.

All step parents have a responsibility to make their step children feel like they are a welcome part of their family unit... any step parent who doesn't think that has no place being a step parent.

theduchessofspork · 22/04/2024 15:08

InterIgnis · 22/04/2024 14:55

So everyone else can have that specific boundary but the stepparent can’t?

OP’s DH doesn’t bring either of his children back presents when he goes away, so it’s hardly a common expectation in their family. What is customary when it comes to gift giving varies dramatically from person to person, family to family.

Similarly, not all stepparents consider themselves responsible for their stepchildren, and nor do they have to. If the father wanted his son to have a stepmother that considered him her own then it was on him, as the parent, to make sure he didn’t date someone that wasn’t willing to take on that role. And yes, if he specifically wants OP to do something then he needs to express that.

Show quote history

Oh don’t talk nonsense.

The OP a has fucked up a bit - it’s not the end of the world, but it is a basic principle that you treat kids the same - you buy them both a present if you buy one, you talk to them both on FT if you talk to one.

No one is expecting the OP to love her SS as she does her daughter, or to give him the same amount of time. But kids do need to be noticed by the adults in their lives, and the OP knew she was taking on a SS.

She needs to do a bit better. Her husband probably does too, but that’s not the point of the thread.

InterIgnis · 22/04/2024 15:09

sandyhappypeople · 22/04/2024 15:06

Similarly, not all stepparents consider themselves responsible for their stepchildren, and nor do they have to.

All step parents have a responsibility to make their step children feel like they are a welcome part of their family unit... any step parent who doesn't think that has no place being a step parent.

Show quote history

Clearly what the consists of exactly is another thing that varies dramatically.

It’s up to the parent to decide whether someone has no place being a stepparent. No one forced OP’s DH to marry her 🤷🏻‍♀️

InterIgnis · 22/04/2024 15:12

theduchessofspork · 22/04/2024 15:08

Oh don’t talk nonsense.

The OP a has fucked up a bit - it’s not the end of the world, but it is a basic principle that you treat kids the same - you buy them both a present if you buy one, you talk to them both on FT if you talk to one.

No one is expecting the OP to love her SS as she does her daughter, or to give him the same amount of time. But kids do need to be noticed by the adults in their lives, and the OP knew she was taking on a SS.

She needs to do a bit better. Her husband probably does too, but that’s not the point of the thread.

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What’s nonsense? A different opinion to yours?

And the DH knew he was marrying someone that wasn’t his son’s mother. As a parent it was and is on him to make his expectations clear.

Houseplantmad · 22/04/2024 15:18

You belittle your DH in your post, who is of course is sensitive to this as it’s so patently obvious you can’t be bothered with your DSS. Please read what others have contributed and rethink your relationship with both. I feel very sorry for DSS. Of course he knows and feels the difference.
Are you brave enough to apologise to your DH or show him this thread? Or are you happy to undermine him and his son on a public forum instead and think that’s okay?