Called a slag by BF's son...

[noonesayscheese]

A lot of detail to avoid drip feeding. Not sure if this belongs in step parenting as he’s technically not my stepson…

Me and my DD12 live separately to my boyfriend (of 6 years). BF has a son from previous marriage; DS13. We all hang out a lot and my BF and his son are at my house a lot as it’s generally more spacious than his flat. BF works away a fair bit so when he’s back he spends a lot of time with us. It’s a set up that suits us and we’re talking about buying a bigger property together next year. We all get along. We had a day out to Alton Towers on Saturday and me and BF’s son separated off from my DD and BF as we wanted to go on some rides that they were not interested in. He confides in me and I get the impression that he values our time together when it’s just me and him, he was telling me about his new girlfriend. On Sunday we were all in my house and BF’s son was watching a football match on the TV, that we’d bought ‘pay per view’ as a treat. His team were losing and he was getting more and more moody and told my daughter to fuck off because she was asking why he’s so upset. His dad told him off and said if he talks like that again, the TV will go off. He then told his dad to fuck off and he’d watch it on his phone. His dad took his phone off him. At this point he was telling his dad to F off over and over and saying he hates it at my house. He went into the other room and started crying so his dad went after him. My daughter asked why he’s being like that and I said I don’t know as it’s just a game. The son then raged and shouted at me to “fuck off yer slag”. It was said very aggressively. His dad then took him home. BF spoke to his mum who said it’s just his hormones and used “boys will be boys” to qualify it. She also said that he often says that I am horrible to him and I wind him up whenever I’m with him. This surprised me as I absolutely do not and I believe he gives his mum this narrative.

I can cope with a 13 year old telling me to F off, but the slag comment was made so easily, as if he just pulled it from his every day vocabulary and I wonder if he talks like this normally, with his friends. I’ve raised my daughter to not engage with toxic behaviour and saying that to a woman is designed to belittle her. She’s understandably upset that he called her mother a slag. She’s old enough and very emotionally mature to know her mind.

BF’s son has always gone from 0-60 with his anger, he has punched classmates and his pushed his own mum in a fit of rage. He’s tried to hit his dad in the past (BF able to dodge the attempts). He hasn’t apologised to me and in his mum’s words, it was my fault and I deserved his anger because I should know it’s more than a game to him.

Going forward, what do I do. My daughter wants nothing to do with him. I am concerned that he can just use language like that and his mum thinks it’s someone else’s fault. My BF is as dumbfounded as me. I don’t really want that sort of behaviour in my home. BF is now away for two weeks and I won’t see his son until he’s home, I feel like the bond and trust that me and BF’s son had is now destroyed. PS, we have tried to meet with the mum in the past, but she’s always refused to meet me, so meeting up to discuss this is not an option. Whenever I’ve dropped off BF’s son to her house, I’m mostly met with a look of contempt.

This is all very dramatic. It’s not a very nice thing to call someone but it sounds like it’s the only time he’s done this. Also, football can be very important to some young men (I don’t understand it either) and his feelings were belittled, that would piss me off to. He felt small, he’s pissed off and he’s full of hormones. I think give him a break this one off.

The real problem is the use of the word 'slag'... I think many men... young or old... don't fully understand how offensive and derogatory to women that word is. He has probably heard it used by friends at school when 'bantering'. It is hard not to feel hurt by that word but I think it's probably important from your point of view to take a deep breath and step back, it is his Dad's job to sit down with him and explain why it is so offensive. As a mother of a young boy myself, use of these words is a real red flag to step in and educate.
My Mum did the same when I used the word 'poofter' after hearing it at school. I was so mortified at learning how offensive it was, I have of course never used it again and from then on corrected friends that used it, and that was as a young teen.
Those saying that being upset over a football match excuses it are woefully wrong and perpetuate the issues that sports like football have with racism, homophobia and sexism. If we all called each other out on it a bit more and stopped allowing it on the basis of 'high emotion' or 'pack mentality' perhaps we might evolve a bit quicker.

I just continue to be baffled by these responses...

Everyone saying it could be handled better...he told her to 'fuck off' and the Dad responded by saying he cannot talk to people that way and the TV would go off if it continues. How is that not a reasonable response? Do people in this thread just let their kids continue to be rude with no consequences?

@noonesayscheese That is the underlying nature of competitive sports.

Either way if you want you relationship to last, I'd focus on everyone getting over this as quickly as possible. The longer it gets dissected and drawn out the more awkward and bigger a problem it will become.

As the adult the onus is on you to not hold a grudge and move forward. I spent 2-3 years overlooking my SS tantrums, once he had calmed down I'd make a cup of tea, act like nothing had happened, he would be apologetic, sometimes have a quick hug and we would all get over it.

Believe me I know how fucking difficult being a SM is, but its just as difficult being a SC who didn't ask for a blended family, at least we as adults entered the role willingly.

'Women must at all costs pander to the aggressive male' is the loud, clear message coming across on this thread.

Depressing - and also depressingly predictable. It's indicative of what kind of demographic is infiltrating this site these days.

Utter rubbish. He’s 13 not 3 and is well aware that the misogynistic language he used is not acceptable.
Don’t dismiss or trivialise his behaviour.

Why do step-teens get a pass to have tantrums? What is that teaching them? What if they don’t apologise?

You have to learn how to behave in the world, regardless of if your parents have remarried or not.

Of course his language isn't acceptable. I was pointing out it is highly unlikely he actually means it as they have otherwise had a good relationship up until now. We have all said things in the heat of the moment that we have come to regret.

I'd argue that you and other PP shouldn't 'dismiss' the reasons behind his behaviour in the first place. He clearly has ongoing issues that are seemingly not being looked into.

Try not to take it to heart, and encourage your daughter to also be open to rebuilding a relationship with him.

Fucking hell, it's no wonder so many women end up in abusive relationships. Yes, tell your daughter to be "nice" and just forget about the horrendous, violent way in which he acted. He's just a boy, and boys will be boys.

🙄 Fuck That

Don't move in with this man because then you're stuck with his problem child of a son. Don't inflict this upon your daughter.

Is it? I thought it was about a young man going through puberty who got extremely upset as a one off? A young man who usually respects his SM and even has a good relationship with her most of the time?

Even though he's 13 and hormonal, it's really important he apologises to you in front of your dd and also (if he will) to her too, for upsetting her.

You don't want this to escalate but on the other hand you want dd not to worry about the future of the plan is to share a home.

At least you have a partner who isn't afraid of his son as some Disney dads are (took phone from him), and hopefully there will be bigger consequences if he won't apologise. How dare he say that to you, even in anger.

All teens should be granted some grace. My nephew has only just stopped acting like a wanker in the last few months.
SC generally have more emotion struggles because of their divided homes and families, warring parents, different lifestyles etc.
I can only speak from my experience but teens tend to come out the other side as normal people who do know how to behave in the world, some may need a bit more help than others with therapy etc but this is something parents and SP should be more aware of.
It is easy to write off an obnoxious teen, a lot harder to understand why.

BF’s son has always gone from 0-60 with his anger, he has punched classmates and his pushed his own mum in a fit of rage. He’s tried to hit his dad in the past (BF able to dodge the attempts)

You, and others, conveniently ignoring this paragraph. This is a violent young man with anger management issues. I'll save my pity for his victims.

I think more parenting of his son at his flat and less parenting of his son at you and your daughter's home.

You do not live together and you are not married.

The boy should not have to see so much of you and your daughter when it is his time with his father.

So Alton Towers all together - lovely, then home to his Dad's for the rest of the time.

You don't mention your daughter seeing her father ? so this is your daughter's primary home and yours.

You do not need to see his son every time you see your bf, there must be time when the son is at his mother's home and you can see just your bf.

Try not to take it to heart, and encourage your daughter to also be open to rebuilding a relationship with him.

Yes, OP should teach her daughter that if someone calls their mum a slag, tells them to fuck off, has a history of punching classmates and their own mother... she should #bekind and try to rebuild a relationship with them.

Jesus.

What on earth? You are excusing all of it. There is absolutely no justification for a person to be punching other people, pushing someone over and shouting expletives.

OP: I would not be prepared to live in a house where I and my daughter would be expected to share space with such an angry and aggressive boy. He is only going to get bigger and stronger, and if he's already punching people now-what will he be like in 3 or 4 years? I would not welcome him back into my home never mind but a joint house with his dad.

Perhaps consider the whys and you might find you pity him too. There might not have been any victims at all had the adults in his life recognised this issue and sought to address it through therapy.

I see you ignored the second part of my post, which made clear I thought it was the father's responsibility to help the boy deal with his anger issues and she should leave that to him.

Or I guess you just cut your ties with this boy, he'll probably be in prison or stabbed in a pub car park anyway, right?

It's baffling isn't it? The ingrained misogyny is so deep.

@Mummame2222 you clearly missed the part of OP's post where she said he's been punching his classmates, has swung for his dad and has pushed his mum over.

@Earwiggoearwiggoearwiggo

I see you ignored the second part of my post, which made clear I thought it was the father's responsibility to help the boy deal with his anger issues and she should leave that to him.

So why suggest she encourage her daughter to rebuild a relationship with him? They don't live together. There's no need.

If a boy in her class with a temper was punching kids and his own mother and calling people slags, would you say her mum should encourage rebuilding a relationship? How about a boy in her hobby class outside of school? Or a boy who lives on their road?

I expect not. I expect you'd be telling her to steer clear of the boy with a temper who punches people, including his own mother, and calls women slags.

All the posters claiming OP's dd was "goading" the SS are fucking nuts! Do you all also think when a man hits a woman she somehow goaded him into it? Are women asking for it when we're sexually assaulted? JFC! With women who think like this is it any wonder the patriarchy is fucking thriving? 🙄

OP I agree with the posts that have said you should take a step back. I also don't think he should be allowed back to your house until he apologises to you and your dd.

It's not ingrained misogyny to think anger is an emotion that young people need to learn how to manage. Her BF doesn't seem to spend anytime alone with his son, and the mum is clearly useless, so who is helping model that process?

I would say that it is imperative that the boy apologises face-to-face to both you OP and your DD.

He needs to know that such aggressive and misogynistic behaviour and language will not be tolerated by his Dad, by you, by your daughter or indeed by any woman.

The fact that he felt empowered to do this in your home, whilst watching a football game on your TV that you paid for shows a shocking level of disrespect for you and for women in general.

He wouldn't be entering my home again until a heartfelt apology was received.

That said, with his Dad away for such long periods of time, he really needs to be spending more time when he's home one-on-one with his own child. It sounds like his son is going through a tough time at the moment and he shouldn't have to work through that in front of his Dad's gf & daughter.

Why not let them spend more time alone at his dad's and push back the moving in together plans until the kids are older; you really don't want your daughter growing up around such and angry young man.

I definitely ignored it because you imply it's the op's responsibility to remind her boyfriend to properly parent his son.

But then make clear to your BF he needs to proactively work with him to deal with anger.

She shouldn't even have to make the obvious clear to him, and he has clearly been failing this kid for quite a while. This boy should have been in therapy long ago to deal with his violent behaviours.

Op, you should be running for the hills. Buying a home with this man shouldn't even be a consideration after what's happened. It would be a great way to ruin your life by being shackled to the man, his son, and his son's behaviours, which are probably only going to get worse. Don't do that to your daughter. Your home should be a safe, happy place for her.