Called a slag by BF's son...

[noonesayscheese]

A lot of detail to avoid drip feeding. Not sure if this belongs in step parenting as he’s technically not my stepson…

Me and my DD12 live separately to my boyfriend (of 6 years). BF has a son from previous marriage; DS13. We all hang out a lot and my BF and his son are at my house a lot as it’s generally more spacious than his flat. BF works away a fair bit so when he’s back he spends a lot of time with us. It’s a set up that suits us and we’re talking about buying a bigger property together next year. We all get along. We had a day out to Alton Towers on Saturday and me and BF’s son separated off from my DD and BF as we wanted to go on some rides that they were not interested in. He confides in me and I get the impression that he values our time together when it’s just me and him, he was telling me about his new girlfriend. On Sunday we were all in my house and BF’s son was watching a football match on the TV, that we’d bought ‘pay per view’ as a treat. His team were losing and he was getting more and more moody and told my daughter to fuck off because she was asking why he’s so upset. His dad told him off and said if he talks like that again, the TV will go off. He then told his dad to fuck off and he’d watch it on his phone. His dad took his phone off him. At this point he was telling his dad to F off over and over and saying he hates it at my house. He went into the other room and started crying so his dad went after him. My daughter asked why he’s being like that and I said I don’t know as it’s just a game. The son then raged and shouted at me to “fuck off yer slag”. It was said very aggressively. His dad then took him home. BF spoke to his mum who said it’s just his hormones and used “boys will be boys” to qualify it. She also said that he often says that I am horrible to him and I wind him up whenever I’m with him. This surprised me as I absolutely do not and I believe he gives his mum this narrative.

I can cope with a 13 year old telling me to F off, but the slag comment was made so easily, as if he just pulled it from his every day vocabulary and I wonder if he talks like this normally, with his friends. I’ve raised my daughter to not engage with toxic behaviour and saying that to a woman is designed to belittle her. She’s understandably upset that he called her mother a slag. She’s old enough and very emotionally mature to know her mind.

BF’s son has always gone from 0-60 with his anger, he has punched classmates and his pushed his own mum in a fit of rage. He’s tried to hit his dad in the past (BF able to dodge the attempts). He hasn’t apologised to me and in his mum’s words, it was my fault and I deserved his anger because I should know it’s more than a game to him.

Going forward, what do I do. My daughter wants nothing to do with him. I am concerned that he can just use language like that and his mum thinks it’s someone else’s fault. My BF is as dumbfounded as me. I don’t really want that sort of behaviour in my home. BF is now away for two weeks and I won’t see his son until he’s home, I feel like the bond and trust that me and BF’s son had is now destroyed. PS, we have tried to meet with the mum in the past, but she’s always refused to meet me, so meeting up to discuss this is not an option. Whenever I’ve dropped off BF’s son to her house, I’m mostly met with a look of contempt.

Has your partner introduced his son to previous girlfriends?
Is his mum with a new partner?
I would just things seperate for everyones sake, there's no rush.
Teenage years are hard enough without all this.

Does it come down to who is more important to you: your daughter or your bf...

'"Also, BF and his son spend ample 1:1 time together, often go out just them for a meal or the cinema, or just at their flat, or cheering him on at his football team he plays in."

what is ' ample ' compared to

'BF works away a fair bit so when he’s back he spends a lot of time with us. '

' My daughter wants nothing to do with him. '...

All this talk of goading is really worrying! It is just a game! And I’m a football fan, we’ve all got season tickets etc. No one seen the data on how DV cases and arrests spike when big matches are played? Maybe if more teens were told that it’s just a game then that wouldn’t happen! I don’t tolerate DH sulking about a match for more than about half an hour. It’s a disappointment, not a life changing event FFS. If he lost at Monopoly and called his step mum a slag would that be ok? Or is football an exception? 🤔

I think that demographic tends to be a bit slow on the uptake.

Monopoly has been known to cause more than a few family disputes. There was a viral video about a lad throwing the board because his mum told him to go to jail. 😂

My DH tells me my SIL was one of these 😂 I’m hoping at 49 she’s not doing that anymore but you never know 🫣

Unfortunately some people do get very angry when their team loses. I've read domestic violence attacks increase after some big football games.

People? Or men?

And that is precisely why behaviour like this should not be dismissed ,minimised and excused when they are young.

It's quite depressing to see how an aggressive (verbally and physically) boy is being made to sound like a poor helpless victim because... football.

It is not his "hormones".

It's his mother making excuses for him and failing to expect civil behaviour. This is why he punches classmates and thinks he can verbally abuse his father and the OP.

I am - yet again - shocked but not surprised to see grown women here on this thread who should know better offering excuses for atrocious behaviour of males.

It's because it's a step parenting thread. Anything goes if the blame can be placed on a step parent/step sibling doing something "wrong."

OP's DD is 12. Also prime age for hormones and unreasonableness. Somehow she managed not to tell the boy to fuck off back.

@ShakeNvacStevens I'm hoping that's the case (as bad as it would be), but I have a feeling it's a lot worse and that "boys will be boys" and that girls should cater to them is still very much a thing.

I have a teenage boy who is angry due to bereavement of his and add in hormones and on occasions he can be a nightmare. However most of the time he’s gorgeous. I think you should remember that , as this appears to be a one off.

my son swear quite a lot in the house . I’m ok with this as it’s his space and it’s allowed to a degree. However I have drilled it into him that when his younger family members come round or he goes elsewhere he doesn’t swear. Your partner needs to drum that into him that’s it’s not acceptable as at some point his mouth will get him into to trouble.

also as previous poster said the best thing to do when a teen boy is angry and upset is to leave them. It doesn’t sound like anyone did that .

next steps personally he would need to apologise to me next time he saw me. But don’t end your relationship with the son here that’s not helping or teaching him anything .

First, I’m sorry that he called you that. It must have been really hurtful for you, especially since you thought that the two of you had a pretty good relationship. It’s not easy to forget something like that regardless of whether it’s flung at you in anger or not.

If his father is regularly away for weeks at a time for work and then sees him when he is back then he is definitely a bit of a Disney dad, whether he means to be or not. Realistically he can’t really be addressing or influencing his son’s behaviour and anger issues when he doesn’t see him for weeks at a time.

If he is usually with his mum, in her household with her routine and (it sounds like) her excuses for his outbursts, and then he is suddenly with his father who attempts to actually deal with it, he’s just going to be even more angry and explosive when he’s finally challenged on it. Thirteen is an awful age for many boys and a lack of consistency unfortunately only makes things worse.

Definitely don’t move in together while this is going on. Your daughter absolutely does not need to be exposed to this terrible behaviour and neither do you, for that matter. I agree with the posters that said that he needs to just see his son alone for a while and have his time with you be separate. He is going to have to figure out how he is going to deal with and get help for his son’s anger issues and unacceptable behaviour, but he needs to do that on his own/with the boy’s mother.

I have an adult sibling with abusive tendencies. Way way beyond help. During a football match was when I was almost smacked, instead he just drunkenly screamed in my face and refused to leave after a world of verbal abuse. This experience probably makes me over react sadly with my own son. He is very intelligent and Autistic ( sorry but being argumentative and rude and struggles with emotional control are often an issue in a certain Autistic demographic). With my own son if he called me or his step mum, or any woman a slag, especially during football, which is a known DV trigger, the consequences would be significant. I have made him fully aware of what abusive language is, what gaslighting is. Because if I ever see it, the consequences are going to be there.

I think someone has really got to both hear this boy and take time to understand his upset and where it's from. It could be all sorts of reasons not necessarily the broken home scenario. It's not necessarily something OP is able to do but a responsible adult with some sense has got to let him know that his behaviour is actually abusive and if he were an adult he would be condemned quite severely for it.

This may all be too much for OP to take on but if you want some form of relationship with this man you need to gauge whether he's got what it takes to address the above. Has he got the capacity to actually talk to this boy about abuse and what abusive behaviour is. What mysogyny is? I believe these conversations need to start young ( in my case it had to because my son is super aware and has seen all sorts online which I have to challenge daily). As a kid I don't believe he is written off yet but left properly unchecked it could spiral terribly.

This. He's not covered himself in glory by any means with his foul outbursts...but he's at an age where this behaviour isn't that unusual and you were all provoking him.

Please don't try and do the "but she was only innocently asking why he was upset." She was goading, and you're minimising/ignoring that, but furious at his response. That's not ok. He was out of order, but the poor DD narrative is not ok.

Coupled with him telling his mum you frequently wind him up, I suspect you do make little passive aggressive comments and your DD sees it as acceptable behaviour, so now she's mimicking it.

I have a DD with additional needs and there were a couple of children in his class who would very quietly make comments at him, knowing exactly what they were doing, then do "Pikachu shocked face" at his reaction and make him out to be the "bad child.". This reminds me a lot of them.

Sounds like your daughter asked him what was up from a place of concern. However, your comment that ‘it is just a game’ probably wasn’t helpful. Yes it is to you, it is to me as well, but you already know that it isn’t just a game to him.

Nope me neither. I'm not buying the boys will be boys normal teenage behaviour bullshit. I have two stepsons and they have not once spoken to their step-sister like this. If they did they wouldn't set foot in my house again.

Erm victim blaming? FFS

Exactly this.

@noonesayscheese

First of all I would put the move on hold. Not as a punishment or ultimatum, but because you all need a break and your partner needs time to deal with his son,his anger issues and whatever else might be going on.

He should spend more 1 2 1 time with him, regularly even if that means you don't see each other for a bit. He needs to talk to him about his language and behaviour. That it is abusive and unacceptable. Ask whatever else might be going on. Try really hard to get to the bottom of things , ask his son what HE needs, what HE wants. Whether he actually wants and enjoys spending time with you two, and if he does he needs to get a handle on his language and behaviour.

Then keep the meetings sweet ,short and easy, until trust and bonds rebuild.

It's going to take work, it will take a long time and it might affect your relationship but it's the only way forward for his sake , as well as yours and your daughter's.

He needs help to manage his anger or he's going to respond badly to someone with a knife.

Don't even think about getting a house together until he's sorted out these issues.

So we've had

Boys will be boys
Hormones
Football

And increasingly she/they made him do it.

Did his dad made him do it too? And his mum? And his classmates? Somehow everyone else is the problem , just not the one actually being aggressive?

How fucking depressing. I hope you're not raising girls.

It absolutely is just a game, no matter how important the game is to certain people. The 'goading' talk leads to future victim blaming, when all the pathetic bastards try and justify beating up women after a bad match.