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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Dh being made redundant

349 replies

supertatos · 05/04/2024 19:46

For transparency I've NC as potentially outing if linked to other posts I've made.

DH is being made redundant. He's told the ex of the current date his maintenence payments will currently stop unless he finds a job. Even then it will likely be a reduced payment for a while due to nature of his current role.

I inherited a largish sum of money and have paid for the refurbishment of the kitchen which we couldn't really hide from the DSC. It was much needed as the existing kitchen was falling apart.

Obviously now the ex is kicking off saying he shouldn't be spending his money on that etc. He's told her it was my money. So yeah..you can guess what's coming..she wants me to pay the maintenance payments instead.

Am I right that my money is nothing to do with it even if it is a large lump sum inheritance or can she take this to court?

OP posts:
Original poster
supertatos · 05/04/2024 20:14

AuntieMaggie · 05/04/2024 19:59

I have no idea about the legalities but how do you expect DSC mother to be able to cover the shortfall of providing for their children? She's probably panicking about the situation and I can see her point of view. Personally I would be helping with the shortfall until he had a job sorted.

It's not really MY problem though is it it's up to DH

OP posts:
ButterflyKu · 05/04/2024 20:15

UC isn’t there to cover a lack of child maintenance payments. Obviously we don’t know the ex wife’s financial situation but even if she is entitled to some support, a new claim will take 6 weeks to be approved anyway.

To answer your question OP, according to everyone on MN, ‘a husband’s money is family money and vice versa.’ I personally don’t see why you wouldn’t help your husband out by assisting with some payments so his children are cared for. I’m not saying the full amount but something so their mum can get by? Or your DH has his children more frequently but you’d still be covering the costs of them when they’re at your house anyway

ButterflyKu · 05/04/2024 20:16

ButtockUp · 05/04/2024 20:14

These are the pitfalls of blended families.

You partner has commitments. If he can't meet them then his children will suffer.
If you don't want to help either because you don't want to or can't afford it then so be it.

Yes it's down to your partner to facilitate his children's care but this will have to be funded somehow.
These children will be your step children.
If you don't want to be a step mother then end the relationship.

In my opinion, judging by the many threads on here, blended families rarely work.

You choose.

100%

Starseeking · 05/04/2024 20:16

AuntieMaggie · 05/04/2024 19:59

I have no idea about the legalities but how do you expect DSC mother to be able to cover the shortfall of providing for their children? She's probably panicking about the situation and I can see her point of view. Personally I would be helping with the shortfall until he had a job sorted.

Presumably OP is already providing for the shortfall caused by the redundancy in her own household, covering the cost things for DC when they come to stay under her roof, and you think she should also help out another household on top?!? ConfusedConfusedConfused

If you choose to help out the other household then go ahead OP, but don't feel obliged, and I wouldn't expect to receive any thanks, gratitude or being paid back if so.

Worried8263839 · 05/04/2024 20:18

If they were still together, what would they do? He would do exactly as he is doing now and trying to find another job and they would both have manage it to support their child. Your income is yours. As a SM you won't get any support here I'm afraid OP.

AuntieMaggie · 05/04/2024 20:18

supertatos · 05/04/2024 20:14

It's not really MY problem though is it it's up to DH

Show quote history

Well aren't you a charmer if that's your attitude to his children. All they will see is that your household has a shiny new kitchen and their mum is struggling for money. At the end of the day that's what this is about, the children and their needs which should come before any of you 🤷🏼‍♀️

Milkand2sugarsplease · 05/04/2024 20:19

If DH and his ex were still together they'd have to navigate through him being made redundant and live off whatever was coming in until he could find a new job.
Yes, he has a financial responsibility to support his children but that doesn't extend to you. As long as he's looking for new employment, and considering all options rather than cherry picking - as I'm assuming he has financial responsibilities with his life with you too - then ex can whistle for your money.

I'd be in the same position of my ex was made redundant so I'd be in the same boat.

AuntieMaggie · 05/04/2024 20:19

ButtockUp · 05/04/2024 20:14

These are the pitfalls of blended families.

You partner has commitments. If he can't meet them then his children will suffer.
If you don't want to help either because you don't want to or can't afford it then so be it.

Yes it's down to your partner to facilitate his children's care but this will have to be funded somehow.
These children will be your step children.
If you don't want to be a step mother then end the relationship.

In my opinion, judging by the many threads on here, blended families rarely work.

You choose.

This.

Original poster
supertatos · 05/04/2024 20:19

ButterflyKu · 05/04/2024 20:15

UC isn’t there to cover a lack of child maintenance payments. Obviously we don’t know the ex wife’s financial situation but even if she is entitled to some support, a new claim will take 6 weeks to be approved anyway.

To answer your question OP, according to everyone on MN, ‘a husband’s money is family money and vice versa.’ I personally don’t see why you wouldn’t help your husband out by assisting with some payments so his children are cared for. I’m not saying the full amount but something so their mum can get by? Or your DH has his children more frequently but you’d still be covering the costs of them when they’re at your house anyway

They can't really come more often due to location (she moved).

So is the answer that legally she can't come for it but morally we should look at something to plug the gap if DH can't find another job in time?

OP posts:
bubblesforbreakfast · 05/04/2024 20:19

Putting moral "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" aside here, I think you need to try and figure out what she can legally do. I would have thought anything in your sole name would not count towards any assets owned by your DH but anything in joint names (eg your home, interest in any assets owned jointly) would be taken into account - but im not 100% sure.
FWIW... you shouldn't have to pay. But you might like to consider whether you would, to help the relationship with your DSC.

somptuosité · 05/04/2024 20:19

I thought if it was 50/50 custody child maintenance wasn’t paid anyway?

Is it a voluntary arrangement?

Original poster
supertatos · 05/04/2024 20:20

Why is everyone assuming she's struggling for money?

OP posts:
Worried8263839 · 05/04/2024 20:20

ButtockUp · 05/04/2024 20:14

These are the pitfalls of blended families.

You partner has commitments. If he can't meet them then his children will suffer.
If you don't want to help either because you don't want to or can't afford it then so be it.

Yes it's down to your partner to facilitate his children's care but this will have to be funded somehow.
These children will be your step children.
If you don't want to be a step mother then end the relationship.

In my opinion, judging by the many threads on here, blended families rarely work.

You choose.

So because she has immediately been wanted to pay HIS maintenance for HIS child that means she's not suitable to be a SM and should end the relationship? Honestly, these threads are always hilarious and it really shows people's bitterness

Original poster
supertatos · 05/04/2024 20:21

AuntieMaggie · 05/04/2024 20:18

Well aren't you a charmer if that's your attitude to his children. All they will see is that your household has a shiny new kitchen and their mum is struggling for money. At the end of the day that's what this is about, the children and their needs which should come before any of you 🤷🏼‍♀️

Show quote history

What because I place responsibility for providing for them (even if that means getting a loan from me) on their father??

OP posts:
EG94 · 05/04/2024 20:21

AuntieMaggie · 05/04/2024 20:18

Well aren't you a charmer if that's your attitude to his children. All they will see is that your household has a shiny new kitchen and their mum is struggling for money. At the end of the day that's what this is about, the children and their needs which should come before any of you 🤷🏼‍♀️

Show quote history

their mother and father chose to have to have children and accept the financial burden of that. OP chose a nice shiny new kitchen. Why is OP being made to feel she has to pay for other people’s choices?

Worried8263839 · 05/04/2024 20:21

somptuosité · 05/04/2024 20:19

I thought if it was 50/50 custody child maintenance wasn’t paid anyway?

Is it a voluntary arrangement?

THIS

Original poster
supertatos · 05/04/2024 20:22

Starseeking · 05/04/2024 20:16

Presumably OP is already providing for the shortfall caused by the redundancy in her own household, covering the cost things for DC when they come to stay under her roof, and you think she should also help out another household on top?!? ConfusedConfusedConfused

If you choose to help out the other household then go ahead OP, but don't feel obliged, and I wouldn't expect to receive any thanks, gratitude or being paid back if so.

Show quote history

I would expect it from my DH

OP posts:
somptuosité · 05/04/2024 20:22

If exW is not struggling for money then this would change what I would be willing to do also.

How much does your DH pay a month in CM currently?

Strugbug · 05/04/2024 20:22

If I was in your position I wouldn’t be giving her anything. IMO it’s cheeky of her to ask in the first place.

your money is yours. She’ll have to cut back until your DH finds work. Hopefully he’ll find something sharpish

Original poster
supertatos · 05/04/2024 20:23

bubblesforbreakfast · 05/04/2024 20:19

Putting moral "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" aside here, I think you need to try and figure out what she can legally do. I would have thought anything in your sole name would not count towards any assets owned by your DH but anything in joint names (eg your home, interest in any assets owned jointly) would be taken into account - but im not 100% sure.
FWIW... you shouldn't have to pay. But you might like to consider whether you would, to help the relationship with your DSC.

Yes thank you that's all I was after really - the is she going to try and take this to court

OP posts:
Fahdidahlia · 05/04/2024 20:23

I am shocked by so many of these posts. Opinion that money clearly is only for the "original" family and that you should bear the brunt. Stop beating yourself up. Remember you are already contributing to the blended family costs when they are in your home. Your DH has given notice so time for changes can happen in both households to shoulder the financial costs. It is not a choice he is making but a reality that would have had a greater impact if still together in one house. If tou are able/want to support do - but consider ways other than monetary; uniform, husband time to do greater shared care, but look after yourself - no-one else will!

ButterflyKu · 05/04/2024 20:23

Unfortunately, I don’t know where you all stand from a legal perspective and wouldn’t want to misinform you. It’s probably best to look into it legally

Original poster
supertatos · 05/04/2024 20:23

somptuosité · 05/04/2024 20:19

I thought if it was 50/50 custody child maintenance wasn’t paid anyway?

Is it a voluntary arrangement?

It's not 50/50 custody?

So many assumptions

OP posts:
Original poster
supertatos · 05/04/2024 20:24

ButterflyKu · 05/04/2024 20:23

Unfortunately, I don’t know where you all stand from a legal perspective and wouldn’t want to misinform you. It’s probably best to look into it legally

Thank you. I'm hoping we can find something that works without it getting legal

OP posts:
somptuosité · 05/04/2024 20:25

supertatos · 05/04/2024 20:23

It's not 50/50 custody?

So many assumptions

Show quote history

Apologies, I just read your house is owned 50/50 not that you have shared 50/50 custody.