Dh being made redundant

[supertatos]

For transparency I've NC as potentially outing if linked to other posts I've made.

DH is being made redundant. He's told the ex of the current date his maintenence payments will currently stop unless he finds a job. Even then it will likely be a reduced payment for a while due to nature of his current role.

I inherited a largish sum of money and have paid for the refurbishment of the kitchen which we couldn't really hide from the DSC. It was much needed as the existing kitchen was falling apart.

Obviously now the ex is kicking off saying he shouldn't be spending his money on that etc. He's told her it was my money. So yeah..you can guess what's coming..she wants me to pay the maintenance payments instead.

Am I right that my money is nothing to do with it even if it is a large lump sum inheritance or can she take this to court?

Honestly, she's trying her luck, and if you let her take the piss now, you'll set a precedent.

And make no mistake, she is taking the piss.

She doesn't even have a mortgage, which is typically the largest expense any household has to find, but you still need to fund her because her ex partner lost his job? Don't let her "won't you think of the children" guilt antics sway you. She's mortgage free, perhaps due to your partner?

UC should (at least in theory) meet basic needs. Maintenance is not taken into account when calculating benefits so is extra on top of basic needs.

There is plenty of judgement of nonresident parents who don’t pay for their kids. But people get made redundant- it’s not his fault same as it would not be the children’s mothers fault. He can’t pay out of non existent income any more than she can.

i think part of the issue here is that some people see men as being responsible for providing money. I think that’s deeply sexist

As the ex wife I would be exploring UC and other avenues open to me. Being made redundant is awful. I'm sure he'll find something but perhaps not at the same salary. That's life 🤷‍♀️

Be glad you have a cushion for your home. Don't go lending money for maintenance that could cause issues and bitterness in your own relationship.

His redundancy hurts everyone not just the ex.

Definitely not. You will already have to take responsibility for all outgoings in your household if your dh isn’t earning. Never mind paying out money for child maintenance that is nothing to do with you. You are not financially responsible for another woman’s kids .

I think most people judge non resident parents who don’t pay but that’s not the case here is it. How do you think the dad can pay maintenance if he has no earnings? It sounds like he’s a decent father and so I’m sure he will do what he can with his redundancy payout etc but if he’s not earning he’s not earning. My dh was made redundant earlier this year. No one else is coming to our rescue. That’s how it is whether you’re a couple or not.

@Annettekurtin what does it say about society that it's accepted that this happens?

It shouldn't be a radical idea that the ultimate responsibility for keeping a child is on both parents and failure of either to pay for their child to have a reasonable lifestyle over an extended period should come with some consequences at least moral

I mean… ultimately you aren’t responsible, no. But all the people saying ‘but if they were together she’d have to take the financial hit’ are a bit disingenuous as well. If they were still together they could shuffle things together by him providing more practical support and contribution to his children. He sees them EOW and half the holidays so he’s doing fuck all practical parenting really and now he’s also not providing any financial support. I can’t imagine anyone would be very impressed with that situation in the ex wife’s shoes 🤷‍♀️

Universal credit is for the mothers circumstances - who she is living with, how much she earns.

Child maintenance is the dads income - what he should be paying.

UC doesn't change regarding on how much the dad is paying

Then she shouldn't have CHOSEN to move so far away from him then. She agreed to the EOW and was at one point even trying to reduce that!!!

@HelenTudorFisk did you miss that it's the ex who moved away? Hardly his fault he can't contribute more in practical terms on a day-to-day basis.

Could your husband not do some agency work whilst he is looking for his niche work?

Do not give this woman your money, it’s your husband responsibility not yours.
He will be paying a large percentage of his wage ordinarily I assume, and living costs for your family together come off your wage most of the time.

Im sure our children were worse off financially than the first children of his first marriage, due to the large amount of maintenance paid for them, so I worked overtime and Bank Holidays

As an aside my husbands ex wife, wrote to me when her children were adults to say that she had fiddled her wages, as she ran a private business and that we had paid for all the holidays that they had.

We didn’t care, as it was hoped that the children had holidays, and we didn’t do without.

But it’s a terrible precedent if she can come after your personal money and inheritance.
And it will never end

What part of the ex moved away is beyond your comprehension?

Don't do it OP, you are not responsible for the financing of your DH's kids whilst at their mums, that's your husbands situation to sort - if he is not earning then there will be no CM going across and that's that - fortunately its only redundancy and he will be able to get back on top, but there are other things that stop people earning, illness, injury etc.. so his ex should not rely too much on the payment, as it can just end due to unforeseen circumstances.

But it's not a pitfall of blended families is it? It's a pitfall of redundancy.

If OPs husband and his ex wife were still together and he lost his job - they'd have to tighten their belts until he found new work.

That might mean claiming benefits, relying on her income, taking loans etc. It might mean giving up luxuries, or cancelling some of the kids' extra curriculars or something else.

It would be shit, but it is shit when someone is made redundant. It's rubbish and stressful and scary and there's less money.

It might be temporary, while a new job is found, or semipermanent because a new job pays less, or totally permanent because no one ever gives him a job again. Who knows. It depends on industry, and age, and why, etc. But it's crap and it means tightening belts.

This situation is NO different. The fact he's no longer with his ex changes nothing. He's lost his job, so money is tighter until he finds a new one. As (co) parents they have to cut back.

His new partner is nothing to do with this, and of course she shouldn't pay maintenance. Husband and ex have the same options as before in terms of tightening belts etc. But new partner's income is completely irrelevant.

She might CHOOSE to help, that's a nice thing to do, but not necessary and depends on a whole host of things. She's no more beholden to than other people vaguely related to the children e.g. aunts and uncles (and no one expects them to step up).

The only thing current partner should be aware of and prepared to help with is the husband taking on more childcare while he is out of work. That is his responsibility.

Why would OP paying the stepchildrens' maintenance improve her relationship with them? Do you think they would know? Even if they knew, I doubt that their mother would put it into their heads to be grateful.

Oh for gods sake 🤣 I’m perfectly capable of comprehending she ‘chose’ to move away. In the same way that I’m also capable of comprehending he didn’t quit his job, he’s been made redundant. Also not a choice. But the fact remains that as a result of these circumstances, he’s now not contributing much to his first kids, is he? None of us know why she moved (though I suspect this will provoke a giant drip feed painting the ex wife in a negative light) - she may have moved for more family support, or for her own work. Ultimately either the father agreed to this or a court made an order allowing it.
Whilst on the subject of comprehension, you may also note that I pointed out I don’t think this makes the new wife financially responsible. Just that I could see why the old wife might be throughly pissed off at being responsible for 90% of the practical parenting and, for the moment, 100% of the finances.

Well the second wife is now also responsible for 100% of the finances.

The man doesn't have a job; is he expected to pay with air?!?

You said yourself the DC have two parents; their mum and dad, neither of which is OP. Or are we suddenly allowed to add a third official parent just because 🧐

@Starseeking I haven't suggested OP should pay but I'm critical of her husband and think he should widen his job search so he does have an income of some sort to pay for his children. It shouldn't be that the resident parent has to make it work and the non-resident is optional based on employment

I don’t think that is is me that has the comprehension issues….
Yes, she is. My point is she is not, however, responsible for 90% of the practical parenting, alone AS WELL AS 100% of the financial aspects.

You do understand that your "fuck all" parenting equates to a quarter of the year. That's what every other weekend and half the holidays adds up too.

If someone took and paid for my children 1 in every 4 days, that would be marvellous, I certainly wouldn't call it "fuck all". Especially if I had a mortgage free house to boot

She's not, they aren't at her house 25% of the time. She can only ever be 75% responsible for their financial living costs.

@sunnyday98 I've never been through a redundancy, but from speaking to those who have, the situation can be devastating, particularly if one places a lot of their self-worth on their job.

It's not fair for you to be critical of him if as the OP says he's diligently searching for jobs. Once he gets a new job, no doubt he will pay maintenance again.

I imagine it's a similar situation to what it would be if he was still with his ex, the only issue is his ex has no influence over OP's household expenditure, given they are not together.

You cannot really be arguing that every other weekend and half the holidays is in anyway comparable to the day in day our grind of parenting every single school week and the mental load that comes with being the primary caregiver…🤣