Dh being made redundant

[supertatos]

For transparency I've NC as potentially outing if linked to other posts I've made.

DH is being made redundant. He's told the ex of the current date his maintenence payments will currently stop unless he finds a job. Even then it will likely be a reduced payment for a while due to nature of his current role.

I inherited a largish sum of money and have paid for the refurbishment of the kitchen which we couldn't really hide from the DSC. It was much needed as the existing kitchen was falling apart.

Obviously now the ex is kicking off saying he shouldn't be spending his money on that etc. He's told her it was my money. So yeah..you can guess what's coming..she wants me to pay the maintenance payments instead.

Am I right that my money is nothing to do with it even if it is a large lump sum inheritance or can she take this to court?

If roles were reversed and you were the mother, how would you want your children’s father to treat you?

I would expect him to get the best job he could, but there is no way in hell I’d take money from his new wife!

But (well you’d hope) if he was out of work he would then do more for the home and kids, enabling his wife to work more hours or extra money to be made or childcare reduced (or any combination of the above). Maybe he has offered to take on more day to day stuff to help look after his child instead.

So if they were living together that would be different? If you haven’t signed the marriage contract you’re not obligated to “soak up the full financial responsibility”

but only if you’re the mother, obvs.

having been a single parent family because my dad dropped dead, so no getting CMS or any kind of financial support from him, I made sure I was secure enough to provide for my kids before I had them. Dh could leave, die, become incapacitated, and I’d be fine.

if mum is so dependent on the CMS income she could have sorted some sort of unemployment insurance.

OP is also the mother of one of his children so I'm not quite sure what your point is?
All will be equally not being provided for financially by their father to the same degree they have been previously. The older ones aren't special that they deserve support from a third adult.

I didn’t say any of that. You've either horribly misread my posts or are inventing stuff.

• I responded to a PP’s question about marriage. The context didn’t require a discussion about cohabitation.

• I think if you are cohabiting (in a relationship) with children, there is an expectation in that kind of relationship that you’d have each other’s backs and find a solution together, which may involve the employed partner soaking up responsibility.

• That is absolutely applicable to both sexes. I would expect the male partner in a cohabiting couple to assume financial responsibility if the female partner was made redundant. Again I was responding to the particular scenario put to me.

• Just because you put financial safety nets in place (or any woman could do so) should not absolve the father of his financial responsibilities.

I wouldn't expect him to use his new wife's money to give to me

I wouldn't want his wife to be stumping up. I'd probably respect he is doing is best, but on his arse right now. Any of us could find ourselves in that position.

When you have children @ComfyBoobs you have to accept that you might have to soak it all up.

Bio mum could help herself rather than replying on someone else. CMS reduces? Get another job? Get a second job. Earn more money. Sell her house. Sell her belongings on the internet. It seems like it's easy for the dad to do according to Mumsnet. Provide for the children you brought into the world.

I'm a divorced mum of two. I don't rely on anyone else to provide for my children.

I do have children. And I am financially independent and secure. What makes you think that I am not?

But that wouldn’t absolve DH of his responsibilities to pay maintenance if we had split.

And there’s no suggestion that OP’s DH’s ex hasn’t been prudent or that she’s unwilling to provide for her children. These are all straw men arguments which seem to be geared at excusing men from their responsibilities to pay a pretty meagre sum towards their kids.

Will your child have the same drop in lifestyle? What exactly does the drop in lifestyle look like? If this is kids having to give up hobbies, drop out of school trips, give up a tutor etc then I don't think it's ok.

If they are teens I'd be very aware of them being able to see that you've just paid for a new kitchen but yet they are having to give things up. I think that's really unfair and damaging to do that to them if it can be avoided and if it can't then I think dh needs to think about how he explains that.

But if they were together, and he lost his job, what would she do?

It's a dangerous place to be when you're relying on your exDHs maintenance to get by.

When I was a lone parent I made sure I could pay all of my outgoings on my income alone. Yes, the maintenance helped but really she needs to accept that she has to cut her cloth accordingly for the time being - just as she would if they were still together. No doubt the OP will be carrying the financial burden whilst he is out of work.

As for those telling the OP to loan him money/use the money from the inheritance?! Absolutely no way should this happen.

I hope your DH finds suitable employment soon OP.

@PizzaPastaWine Couldn't agree more.
I'm remarried and my two teenage sons are my financial responsibility, not that of my husband's. Whilst of course he helps out with the day-to-day such as food, I work hard to buy them clothes, school uniform, trips put etc.

Or if you weren’t together, and he was single, then what?

Were they married? Did they have a clean financial break?

if they weren’t married and it’s CMS she has no claim whatsoever.

I tell you how much I’d pay. Zero.

No guilt whatsoever. It’s tough shit. Just like it is for you having to pick up extra bills and covering his arse.

I would be ashamed to hassle another woman to pay for my children. It’s pitiful.

Exactly.

Despite my DPs salary giving me the option to go part time I'm not. I shoulder the financial responsibility for my DC.

I don't ask him to foot the bill for them (although he does indirectly, like I do for his DC).

I just wouldn't have the cheek to ask my EXDHs DW to foot the bill (from her inheritance) for outgoings that I should take care of! Or any other of her cash for that matter.

I would be ashamed to hassle another woman to pay for my children. It’s pitiful

Very well put.

@ComfyBoobs Where did I say you weren't.

It's not about absolving men if their responsibilities. If they have no job, they can't pay. End of.

Which is why any woman with an ounce of intelligence would not rely on that money to keep her afloat.

If they sell their new car, they can pay.

Why do you keep bringing the mother into this and ascribing blame to her? There’s no suggestion anywhere that she’s relying on the CMS payments to keep afloat.

It’s just repeated straw man arguments. This is purely about what steps a father should take in order to meet his obligations.

So they sell the car.

how does he then see the kids? Is the burden now on mum to drop off and pick up? Bearing in mind it was mum that moved away.

how do they attend job interviews, get to work when they do get a job?

honestly if exdh lost his job I’d want him to be back on his feet asap. Selling his car is likely going to make her life worse as he won’t be able to see the kids or take them anywhere, and it probably will hinder him getting a job.

he has no job, no savings, no money. He can’t pull money out his arse, and expecting him to go to extremes that will cause long term pain for short term gain is ridiculous.

There is no way in hell I would pay the maintenance, absolutely no chance!!
However, I would also not accept or expect my sons fathers (my exDH) partner to pay for my son’s maintenance.
I would obviously expect my husband would sort his shit out and get another job quick smart. Like OP has said the income may be less. In which case he will pay less maintenance, there will also be less money coming into the OPs house. That’s the way it goes, I would not be using my own money to top this up.

Behave 🙈🤣

Do you really think this?!

This is not the OPs responsibility

Sell the car? Sell the house ? This thread has turned ridiculous.

The mum can budget and change her life style for a couple of months until he gets a new job like anyone else would have to in this situation.

He sounds like a great dad and it really isn't his fault. It's embarrassing how entitled some of these replies are and how judged this poor man has been.