Take care of SS while partner works?

[Firsttimemum0558]

My partner and I have SS (aged 4) 2 days, 2 nights a week. In the next few weeks my partner is needing to work 7 days a week, 20 hour days. We have a 7 month old baby together (unrelated but he’s had 4 surgeries so far and requires more) and partner has asked if I’ll have his son on his usual days when he’s working. I understand we’re a family and I should help out but it’s an hours drive to get him and come back (baby hates the car and screams the whole time) and SS mother won’t do any pick ups or drop offs. Bedtime would be difficult with bathing them both and putting them to bed as baby is ebf and I feel uncomfortable doing this in front of SS, and while I’ve had them both for a few hours at a time, I feel intimidated doing 2 days and 2 nights alone with them every week.
Me and my partner have very different parenting approaches and I don’t agree with a lot of things he allows SS to do when he’s here, but he won’t allow me to change these things even if I take care of him.
I want to say no as in my opinion SS comes here to see his dad not for me, but is this unreasonable as I chose to have a family with him and his child?

My dh has dsc and cares for mine exactly the same as our joint dc. Tell him you will if you can parent them the same. He is 4. Bf isn't really of interest to a small dc... Imo your relationship doesn't bode well if you /him treat them differently. That small dc is part of your household not a visitor. He doesn't just come to see his df. He now has a sibling there also.

Not unreasonable if dad won’t even see him no reason for him to be there

I don’t think the ex should do pick ups or drops offs that’s dad responsibility

as for no opinion you live there too, you pay to live there. You do have an opinion. Deal with the SS how you see fit then have a chat with his dad when he’s in bed if his dad doesn’t like it. Not right that SC come say and do things that make the person living in the house feel a certain kind of way and they’re expected to sit silently and accept it.

Precisely why teens end contact with absent parents. He isn't a visitor. He lives there half the time. Presumably you are happy dh has a job? But you can't assist in him being able to do that job? Mind boggles.

I'm torn because on the one hand it's a little pointless SS coming if his dad is gone 20 hours a day for 7 days (and it's also unfair on you being expected to parent how DP wants, which I'm going to guess is more permissive and disney dad), but on the other hand why should the step son's mother have to step in because her ex has made decisions without considering his responsibility to his children?

It sounds like the familiar situation where man has children with two women, makes whatever decisions he wants, and then expects the women in his children's lives to facilitate his choices.

there’s assisting and having the sc from 3-5 alone and dad comes home and spends time with his child and then there’s having to be responsible for a child that’s not yours and neither parent being around. She isn’t a baby sitter and the latter is not support. The SC if given choice of stay with mum or go to dads and don’t see dad would likely say stay with mum.

YANBU

His contact time is for him to spend with his son. Do it this once and you’ll likely be expected to do it again and again and again……

Just say no, it’s too much or that you’re not comfortable.

I fundamentally disagree with these comments. Your husband has notice of this and should look to swap weekends DS because he’s working.

Why is pick up and drop offs purely dad's responsibility?

Also worth mentioning the mother blocked my number after I had the baby so I can’t contact her if there’s an issue, and partner will be working in fields, sometimes with no phone signal. And I would have SS on those days while partner works for months. At least until September. The mother also won’t swap the days we have him.

Me and my partner have very different parenting approaches and I don’t agree with a lot of things he allows SS to do when he’s here, but he won’t allow me to change these things even if I take care of him.

And that there is your biggest issue.
He expects you to take care of his 4 year old but not do it your way.
This will only get worse.

You contact his father if there’s an issue.

Just my personal opinion. When they’re with whatever parent they live with, mum or dad, it’s that parent responsibility to ferry them around get them to where they need to go. This is dad’s contact time for him to see his son. He therefore in my opinion is the one to collect and return his son.

The ‘presumably you are happy DH has a job’ comment should be a stepparenting bingo item.

Just ridiculous.

There is no point in contact taking place if dad is not going to see him at all. It can be rearranged for a time when he can see his dad.

And there is no way you should be made to do a 2 hour round trip with the baby to pick up/drop off either.

If my kids SP took this attitude I would end things with him. It’s 2 days.

If you’d end something because someone failed to do your childcare for you, that says more about you than anything else.

I realise I posted on your previous thread where your baby was having surgery and he prioritised his older son.
I said then that you are in this alone - you know you don’t have his support and you and your baby are not a priority to him.

So he won't see his son for months. He needs to change his job

Two days a week for months. Not a one off. I wouldn't agree to it. Your husband shouldn't be doing those hours if he can't facilitate seeing his son, and of course, his other child. I also don't think it's on his ex-wife to pick up the slack for him. She might also be working and would have to find childcare.

Your husband shouldn't be doing those hours if he can't facilitate seeing his son, and of course, his other child.

@Cornflakes44 I agree.

Up to you.

What kind of father decides to work 20
hour days all weekend when he’s supposed to be looking after his son?

I agree that, combined with your other thread, it’s very hard to see why you’d want to be in this relationship. He’s not a good father or a good partner.

Is it your house? I know it’s your car.

This time is for the father to parent his child, not for the father's partner to babysit. He needs to take time off work to allow him to take care of his parental responsibilities.

Sounds like you need to read a little more closely. DSC doesn't spend 50:50 at OP's house, and her partner doesn't let her get involved with day to day parenting. And despite what you're insinuating, there's no indication OP's a kept woman - her baby being only 7 months, presumably she's on maternity leave. The two parents need to solve this one, just as they would if OP didn't exist.

is this unreasonable as I chose to have a family with him and his child?

Is it reasonable for him to just fuck off to work 7 days a week and palm off his parenting responsibilities to you?

Is it reasonable for him to choose to have a family with you but give you no support when the baby is having surgery? Indeed, to ask if he can have your car so he can go and pick up the child he favours?

Stop trying to make yourself the villain here. He is the problem.

Your partner has two children he has equal responsibility to, you aren't unreasonable at all, your partner is going to have to find a job that works with his commitments to his children. Just like thousands of women have to do all the time.