Please help at breaking point

[minnie1813]

So me and my partner have been together 4 years..I have one son he has two girls 8 and 5 no children together. For the first 2 years his ex wouldn't allow him to have the girls it was a nightmare. Now we have them every single weekend Fri to Sunday. I have a two bed house so I sleep in with my son (10) his girls have our bedroom and sleep with him. The situation now is too much for me I can't cope every single weekend I basically have to pack my stuff as they sleep in as they go to bed so late, I have to be out sat and Sunday morning for my sons football. The house is a total mess they are nice girls but just don't respect anything clothes get chucked everywhere, rubbish gets left, they don't flush toilets. Which to me at their age should just be normal to do those things. It takes me most of Sunday to tidy the house get rid of the sticky hand prints the mess and to change all the bed sheets. Then most Sundays my partner just drops them home and goes to the pub. I feel like there is no respect for me, I do everything get the shopping in and when it comes to birthdays I wrap and buy the presents and get balloons etc. I even buy mother's days presents for them to take home. For example last weekend I washed 8 outfits that one of the girls kept changing all were dirty and messy with food. And the youngest still wears a nappy to bed and just weed in it in the morning basically because "I just wanted to do it in my nappy" which obviously meant my bed was soaked. I am at breaking point I I just cry. There is no talking to my partner he just seems to get angry even when I suggested that once in a while they go home on a Saturday and just stay the one night. I work full time and my partner now works away for most of the week and then at the weekend I can't even get into bed with him...I just don't even know anymore. ☹️

You have now given your partner a chance to sort this out sensibly and he doesn't want to take it. So I'd suggest that's the end of the road.

You haven’t mentioned or considered your DS once in this.

It seems your partner has more regard for his children than you do for yours…

Sorry, he is using and abusing you, you deserve better! He needs to find somewhere to live and cope all on his own, as you are not a servant and yet that's how you are being treated and the disrespect from him will only get worse.

This is not just kids being kids. You know that. You have a child. Does he leave the toilet unflushed and mess everywhere?

God, I feel so sorry for the amount of women living with these useless men who allow their kids to trample all over their house without a care. I have a DSS who lives here full time and my DSD just over half. I've never had any of these problems. My 6yo DSD keeps her room tidy, makes her bed every morning and puts her washing in the wash basket. She also helps with chores. Of course there's sometimes a mess when she has friends round or has her toys out but she'll tidy them away when asked.

My DSS can be a typical lazy teenager at times, his room is a mess but that doesn't affect me so I don't bother. He does the dishwasher and cleans the kitchen every night, he does his own washing and changes his own bedding.

This situation didn't just happen by some miracle. Both DH and have have set rules and boundaries for our home and we enforce them. If I ever had any concerns and raised them my DH would listen and take my feelings into account. It's called respect and I'm sorry to say that your DP has very little respect for you.

You aren't doing the best for your son though, you are doing the complete opposite and ruining his childhood by giving all your energy and attention to three other people, not to mention ruining your son's peace and privacy.

If you and your partner do love each other then you can still date. Get him to move back out and date him, see him when he is free and can give you quality time. If he loves you he will do this, but I suspect he won't and will quickly move on to another slave who provides a place to live and parents his children for him.

Ask him to move out immediately. He needs to provide his own accommodation for his children. Your son and you come first and you both needs your own rooms. Tell him today to find an alternative this weekend as it is not working.

It’s hard but it’s simple do it by email if you must

‘I am at breaking point. It is my house. My sons house. We both deserve our own room. Going forward it is my house, you need to get your own accommodation - the girls will not be coming this weekend or any weekend on the foreseeable future. Given your current lack of awareness and empathy for the situation and how it has affected myself and my son - I will be taking a break with immediate effect and healing in my own home with just myself and my son. I will be picking up your things and the girls - and returning these to their mums house. You are their father and you need to provide accommodation and parenting for both of them yourself. This is not my responsibility. I will not engage in a discussion about it.’

change the locks

if he has a tiny bit of Respect he will do as you ask and understand the enormous amount of accommodation you have made but right now he has you twisting in the wind. He needs his own place and he needs to parent and you need quality time with your son and work on your own self esteem.

Nappies?

I get that you love him op but he does not deserve your love. He is exploiting you, he's not behaving in a loving way in return.
Here's aware that you are bonded to him and he's exploiting that to make you martyr yourself to him.
It's difficult for you to have an overview of the situation because you are mired in it, bogged down with the stress and the despair about how he's treating you.

You cannot argue, or reason , someone into loving and respecting you. He treats you like a nagging landlady.

You need therapy to help you deal with the reality you describe but refuse to accept:

This man is exploiting you for his own benefit. He will not listen to you, accept your reasonable compromises, or ever put you first.

Also: as long as you keep him in your life there is no chance of growth, change, or happiness. Your posts are like a woman writing “Ive got a horrible fungal infection but at least Ive got something to keep me company. Doctors and antibiotics would leave me clean, free, and healthy but I would miss mattering to the fungal infection.”

OMG yet another thread where a woman is being completely taken for granted by a very lazy man.

Kick him out! And his untidy, nappy wearing children!

One way or the other, there will be a time when he's no longer in your life. Initially, you'll be heartbroken but the time will come when you'll look back on this period with regret, kicking yourself for putting up with him for so long in the name of "love".

minnie there comes a point where you have to admit defeat, you have tried, you have allowed it to impact on your son, you have tried to find a compromise and it hasn't worked. There is only so much you can do to make a relationship work when it s only you putting the effort in.
Your son is 10, he doesn't want to be sleeping with you, will you still be sleeping with him when he goes to Secondary school ! It is time to put an end to this farce and a farce is exactly what it is.

He's got zero respect for you, and in turn you are showing none for your son nor prioritising his needs. The outcome for kids when a stepfather joins the household plummets and this is a good example of how that happens.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable wanting to go and get in bed with my partner...

I think you are unreasonable expecting things to turn from what is currently a total shambles for all of you exept for your partner, into somethinge resembling a healthy relationship in which to raise children and show them a good example that they can go on and base their own happy healthy life on. Your son is not your relationship counsellor, you are the parent and he shouldn't need to be giving you advice on how to get out of the scenario you have chosen for yourself.

Strap on your big girl pants and get you, and your son, into a more stable healthy environment, and that starts with your partner moving out and then continues with some professional help in working on your self esteem, to make sure you don't land yourself in a similar shitstorm in future.

He is winning this dispute because he is more assertive and selfish than you, that's all. He is being completely unreasonable and has not got a leg to stand on.

You can't win with your approach because you're trying to use logic and fairness to prove your point. You have proved your point, but you are still losing.

He's playing by different rules. His rules are to try and get as much as he can from you - accommodation, admin, cleaning, - if that means pushing you to breaking point so be it.

Your only way out is to put yourself first, which is no more than he had been doing all this time.

You can't win with your approach because you're trying to use logic and fairness to prove your point. You have proved your point, but you are still losing
YES!
OP has turned up to a gunfight armed only with a pea shooter, she is trying to play chess with a pigeon, or trying to wrestle with a pig.
She is trying to be fair to a person who is exploiting the shit out of the situation, she thinks if she can only get him to see how unfair he is being, if she can only find the right words etc.
This is all bullshit and you are on a hiding to nothing op, this man has no interest whatsoever in being fair and reasonable. He is there to dominate and exploit, to win at all costs.
Please stop being such a mug OP!

You don't need to prove a point. It's your house.

UPDATE 2....

He has gone I packed up his stuff and put it in the shed for him to come and get.
He is very heartless and I feel so sad and can't stop crying but as my friend told me...short term pain for a long term gain! 😢

Well done. You won't regret this!

Well done! It was the right thing to do.

Well done Op, he was a user and preying on your good nature.

@minnie1813 oh love, it will hurt for a bit, but think about it, NO MORE SHITTY TOILETS! No more Shitty/Pissy Nappies left all over the house!

Your son will be so much happier in his own home again, and in time so will you.

When my abusive ex left me and our DS, it was seeing how my boy blossomed and grew in confidence not having someone like his dad in the house anymore. Ex was never bad to him directly, but DS loves his mum and he did hear a couple of things that would have scared him - which ultimately were the last straw and he left asap thereafter. the general environment though was unhealthy, and you will start to see the change in air quality now that they are no longer in your home. Good for you. I know it feels like shit still, but it wont do so forever and you WILL see this was the best decision you made.

He said he will come get his stuff once he is back from work which is tomorrow night...I think he thinks it's all still in the house etc. for him to take bits but it's not it's all bagged up in the outside shed.
It is the right decision even when I spoke to him I said you're heartless how can you not have anything to say...his response Iv been told I'm heartless before makes this situation easier! 🙄

That's great! He'll be shocked that you've bagged it up and got it out of the house.
I bet your DS will be rejoicing about this, too.

Well done, you have done the right thing for you and your Son, i bet your life is peaceful. Stay strong.