Please help at breaking point

[minnie1813]

So me and my partner have been together 4 years..I have one son he has two girls 8 and 5 no children together. For the first 2 years his ex wouldn't allow him to have the girls it was a nightmare. Now we have them every single weekend Fri to Sunday. I have a two bed house so I sleep in with my son (10) his girls have our bedroom and sleep with him. The situation now is too much for me I can't cope every single weekend I basically have to pack my stuff as they sleep in as they go to bed so late, I have to be out sat and Sunday morning for my sons football. The house is a total mess they are nice girls but just don't respect anything clothes get chucked everywhere, rubbish gets left, they don't flush toilets. Which to me at their age should just be normal to do those things. It takes me most of Sunday to tidy the house get rid of the sticky hand prints the mess and to change all the bed sheets. Then most Sundays my partner just drops them home and goes to the pub. I feel like there is no respect for me, I do everything get the shopping in and when it comes to birthdays I wrap and buy the presents and get balloons etc. I even buy mother's days presents for them to take home. For example last weekend I washed 8 outfits that one of the girls kept changing all were dirty and messy with food. And the youngest still wears a nappy to bed and just weed in it in the morning basically because "I just wanted to do it in my nappy" which obviously meant my bed was soaked. I am at breaking point I I just cry. There is no talking to my partner he just seems to get angry even when I suggested that once in a while they go home on a Saturday and just stay the one night. I work full time and my partner now works away for most of the week and then at the weekend I can't even get into bed with him...I just don't even know anymore. ☹️

This situation is entirely your fault OP and you are massively failing your son by putting this current boyfriend first. Grow the fuck up and put your child first for once.

I feel sorry for all the children involved with these awful parents. Including you OP.

It’s obvs from your update he doesn’t respect you or your home. He is using you and he is taking no responsibility for his actions or those of his children. You need to get rid of him. How can you love a man who so blatantly has no care or respect for you? Your poor son

@Starseeking 100% my friends say the same. I am by no means stupid but I want us to work although maybe I am stupid because I know it won't and it won't change 😢

Good lord, why are you doing this to yourself? He’s treating you like a servant in your own home. He knows you’re unhappy but he really doesn’t give one flying shit. He might come home instead of going to the pub on a Sunday, but he doesn’t want to - he’d rather be in the pub but he’s going to force himself to spend time with you. What a prize knob of a man you have there. What a low grade man. You deserve better, and so does your poor son.

Also he was making out I'm trying to make him choose his kids or me absolutely not the case I have never once said that I'm trying to find a compromise.
Does it sound like I'm making him choose? I'm really not!!

BTW I have and suffer with major anxiety hence why I'm such a twat I worry and overthink myself into oblivion 😢

You're not stupid but if you know it won't work and it won't change you're best of leaving and setting up your life without him. Just boot him out already. Say its not working and give him a month to move out. Once it's done it's done.

It doesn't matter. It really doesn't matter what he says. You're not happy. It's not working for you and your child. Stop calling yourself names, would you call a friend in this situation names?

You know the truth and you know what you need to do. Bring alone will be so much better than being with this useless man. You may love him but he doesn’t even respect you let alone love you. Kick him out, get your house back, spend time with your son and enjoy being single for a while. Your poor son.

With kindness, nobody has sad you are stupid.

While you say you love him, this is not a healthy environment for you to be living in with your DS.

This man is a role model to your DS. If you don't feel strong enough to leave for you, prioritise your DS, and leave for him. You both deserve much much better than this, it's no way to live.

You are not making him choose you or his kids.
You are making him understand the current set up cannot continue.
You say you love him but try to look at this in the cold light of day

• he does not see eye to eye with you on cleanliness and mess
• he works away during the week and doesn't spend time with you at weekends
• he isn't listening to you when you raised concerns
• he isn't thinking about your needs (eg pub on Sundays without giving a thought to you)
• even your son realises this situation is not good

I'm not a fan of the MN LTB reaction in general but in this case ... you really need to ! At least make him move out, he needs to understand how to parent by himself and then you can calmly discuss how to potentially move in together. And the ground rules !
This is your house and you don't have to live like this

Do this for your son, do this for you.

you can’t sleep in with him forever, he’s 10 now, what about when puberty hits? HE deserves better than this too

hes asking you to talk to your boyfriend, he knows that this situation is wrong

tell your boyfriend to move back out asap.

He cares for the children - tells them to tidy up/flush toilet and makes their meals, gets them dressed etc and he does a full clean of the house every Sunday after they’ve gone home. In the meantime he also looks or you look together for a 3 bed place for you all or could the girls sleep in the living room and have their own small chest of drawers somewhere in the house so the living room doesn’t become a dumping ground? He sets up and puts away the bed each night/morning. I wouldn’t be accepting anything else. It’s that in place immediately this weekend or he moves out.

Stop flogging this dead horse op, you may think you love him but he doesn’t love you. You’re very useful but that doesn’t seem enough for him to respect you or want to spend time with you or to think he shoulder some of the work of His. Own. Children. In. Your. House. How about for a first step: here’s the deal ‘d’p, I’m going to sleep in my own bed every night from now on. If you are serious about wanting us to be a family you will start thinking about a way ti make that happen without massively inconveniencing me for 100% of the time you are actually here. My room, my bed, and I’m staying in it.

@JLT24 I said about them having a bed in the front room he said he can't sleep down there alone like why not so we can actually go to bed together.
They do have chest of drawers already with all their clothes etc

You may love him, but he loves your house more than he loves you.

you can still love someone and not live with them

I've loved many men over the years. Does not mean they were worth living with. I got over the ones who didn't make me happy, and tried again.

Just because you love someone does not mean you have to put up with their shitty behaviour.

The question you need to ask yourself is: why do you think he deserves your domestic slavery? Why do you think you should be serving him like this, and putting up with his treatment? Why don't you believe you and your ds deserve better?

@candycane222 so my friend say very similar to me and she said you have very low self esteem and don't believe you deserve good which is very true. I am trying to change someone or compromise etc when deep down I know it won't work, but I think for me it's just the ending it. I have cried and cried the past few days over the situation over him not being in my life.
Although my friend also said give it 6 months and you'll wonder why you waited so long.

OP regardless of how much you think you love him
This is not sustainable.
Your DS will soon be too old to share a bed with you. His DD will get too old to sleep with him. You can't have them in the front room making a mess every weekend.
This life you think you have is not sustainable. Better to deal with it now. He needs his own place. You can still have a relationship if you want. But he can't live with you

If you do the same you get the same. Nothing will change until you make it happen. Your partner has a free live in housekeeper and nanny - why would he want to change?

Your son is 10 years old and YOU are fucking up his childhood. Why did he tell you to speak your boyfriend? Are you actually asking your 10 year old son what you should do? DO NOT put this on your son . Your choices are 1. Get this prick out of your house or 2. Stop whining and get on with it. That means put up and shut up.
I am tired of women like you putting shit men before their children. This man and his children are taking from your son. Why do you not have that instinct to want the best for him?

Why are his children here every weekend?.it should be alternate weekends. Why are there dirty nappies everywhere? You say his kids are 8 and 5. Surely they are not still in nappies.
Put your own child first.
Ask him to leave. Change the locks.
It will be hard for you at first but once you get your life, your home and your bed back you will wonder why on earth you tolerated this shit show for so long

@LiveLaughCryalot what a wonderful person you must be... things are tough in life it's always been me and my son I do the very best by him I am at a point where I am just struggling and come on here for some advice perspective from others not to be trolled and spoken hurt fully too...people's mental state matters and comments like yours are not helpful! I hope you have a perfect life mine is not and I am trying!!
A low comment that will now affect me

I don't care. The truth hurts. So stop your self pitying whining and crack on. Your partner WILL NOT CHANGE. Stop involving your 10 year old in your relationship decisions and start thinking about what might be best for him.
Again, where is your mother's instinct to want the best for him?

@minnie1813 before he lived with you where did live?

You are trying to make your bf understand your feelings but he doesn't want to hear them. The situation works for him - he gets a place to stay, his girls when he wants them (probably lots of adoration from them as he doesn't discipline them) and freedom to go to work or the pub when he wants.

Reality is the set up was never going to work however I doubt he will want the relationship to end because it will involve effort so I suspect he will use a variety of tactics - charm, anger and dismissing your concerns to quieten you.

This is YOUR life and your sons precious childhood yet you are wasting years in a poor situation. Your son will be a teen in a few short years and you will regret the effort you have made with someone else's children. It will have come at a cost to your son as he has to watch a mum cry and be exhausted.

I guess he can't have friends over as no room?

Why not ask your bf to move out and have a relationship living apart? That seems the most sensible step.

I feel like there is no respect for me

Your post makes it clear that you are right, there is none. Get rid of him.