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Original poster

Please help at breaking point

168 replies

minnie1813 · 21/03/2024 09:32

So me and my partner have been together 4 years..I have one son he has two girls 8 and 5 no children together. For the first 2 years his ex wouldn't allow him to have the girls it was a nightmare. Now we have them every single weekend Fri to Sunday. I have a two bed house so I sleep in with my son (10) his girls have our bedroom and sleep with him. The situation now is too much for me I can't cope every single weekend I basically have to pack my stuff as they sleep in as they go to bed so late, I have to be out sat and Sunday morning for my sons football. The house is a total mess they are nice girls but just don't respect anything clothes get chucked everywhere, rubbish gets left, they don't flush toilets. Which to me at their age should just be normal to do those things. It takes me most of Sunday to tidy the house get rid of the sticky hand prints the mess and to change all the bed sheets. Then most Sundays my partner just drops them home and goes to the pub. I feel like there is no respect for me, I do everything get the shopping in and when it comes to birthdays I wrap and buy the presents and get balloons etc. I even buy mother's days presents for them to take home. For example last weekend I washed 8 outfits that one of the girls kept changing all were dirty and messy with food. And the youngest still wears a nappy to bed and just weed in it in the morning basically because "I just wanted to do it in my nappy" which obviously meant my bed was soaked. I am at breaking point I I just cry. There is no talking to my partner he just seems to get angry even when I suggested that once in a while they go home on a Saturday and just stay the one night. I work full time and my partner now works away for most of the week and then at the weekend I can't even get into bed with him...I just don't even know anymore. ☹️

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 21/03/2024 10:34

What is your child getting out of the shit situation you have forced on him?
When he is an adult what do think he will think about you and your bad decisions?

HowDoWeDoThisPlease · 21/03/2024 10:43

This has to be the easiest thing ever. Pack his crap up and send him away. Is there anything positive he’s bringing to the situation, because I really can’t see it.

Gall10 · 21/03/2024 10:47

Am I going to get a torrent of abuse because I’m amazed a 5 yr old wears a nappy to bed….and is aware they’re peeing by into it by choice instead of going to the loo?

User35352662 · 21/03/2024 10:50

Massive red flags for a lazy, negligent twat. The fact that his ex didn't allow him to have the girls was clearly because she was worried about his ability to take care of them. They were much younger back then, probably 1 and 4, and she was well aware that he could not cope with the level of work required. There's no single mum who would not welcome a break from her children IF she knew her partner was able to meet all their needs. Considering they broke up soon after the second girl was born and she didn't let him have them both alone clearly means she didn't trust him.

Now he's moved in with a new woman so he's delighted to outsource all his childcare to you. The ex may feel more reassured letting them stay for weekends because they're older and she knows you'll be juggling everything.

There's a hint of judgement in your voice towards the ex, somewhat understandably. You seem to feel she isn't as competent of a mother as you and her children are not meeting the right milestones. However in light of the fact she's been juggling two tiny kids alone (the youngest just a baby when they split), she's probably doing the best she can. The major issue here is a lazy man who doesn't seem to have any skills except convincing his former and current partners to do everything for him.

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 21/03/2024 10:52

You absolutely can and must tell him it isn't working and they need to move out. It really isn't your responsibility to house him and his dc... You are failing your dc having them squashed into your home. Your dc's home.

User35352662 · 21/03/2024 10:54

Gall10 · 21/03/2024 10:47

Am I going to get a torrent of abuse because I’m amazed a 5 yr old wears a nappy to bed….and is aware they’re peeing by into it by choice instead of going to the loo?

Nope, I raised an eyebrow at this too but there have been studies lately showing a shocking number of kids who weren't fully potty trained when starting school. It's not ideal but statistically not that unusual.

If you follow the timeline backwards, they broke up soon after the youngest was born so the ex has been juggling a baby and a small child alone for at least 4 years. No single mum in that situation would be able to make the best parenting decisions and ensure their children have all their needs and milestones met.

BelindaOkra · 21/03/2024 11:02

minnie1813 · 21/03/2024 10:09

Oh I didnt add it's my house he moved in with me

Unless he is amazing the rest of the time this really can’t work. If he is amazing the rest of the time he needs to shape up quickly. Going to the pub leaving you to sort everything would have me apoplectic.

If he isn’t amazing the rest of the time (seems likely tbh) then I think you need to end it. This isn’t fair on your son.

Upinthenightagain · 21/03/2024 11:04

Off you pop, useless arsehole

pikkumyy77 · 21/03/2024 11:05

F

crumblingschools · 21/03/2024 11:06

Why did you think having 3 children in a two bedroom house was going to work?

However, it is good it is your house and you are not married. He needs to move out, as it is not working and he is not parenting his children, and not fair on you or your child

TheShellBeach · 21/03/2024 11:08

The five year old wears a nappy and deliberately urinated in it?

WTF?

canyouletthedogoutplease · 21/03/2024 11:11

minnie1813 · 21/03/2024 10:09

Oh I didnt add it's my house he moved in with me

Then he needs to move back out and sort out a home for himself that his girls can visit every weekend, that is not your home. It's not reasonable to ask him to see his children less, that's never going to go down well. It's on you to arrange a home for you and your son where you do not feel overuled and disrespected.

It's not everyone that wants two young children that aren't their own in their home every weekend. But you do have a responsibility to all involved to be honest about that, and take steps to change the situation otherwise it is unfair on the children. Don't just ask him to do something about it, because he won't. He's very comfortable.

Illpickthatup · 21/03/2024 11:14

User35352662 · 21/03/2024 10:50

Massive red flags for a lazy, negligent twat. The fact that his ex didn't allow him to have the girls was clearly because she was worried about his ability to take care of them. They were much younger back then, probably 1 and 4, and she was well aware that he could not cope with the level of work required. There's no single mum who would not welcome a break from her children IF she knew her partner was able to meet all their needs. Considering they broke up soon after the second girl was born and she didn't let him have them both alone clearly means she didn't trust him.

Now he's moved in with a new woman so he's delighted to outsource all his childcare to you. The ex may feel more reassured letting them stay for weekends because they're older and she knows you'll be juggling everything.

There's a hint of judgement in your voice towards the ex, somewhat understandably. You seem to feel she isn't as competent of a mother as you and her children are not meeting the right milestones. However in light of the fact she's been juggling two tiny kids alone (the youngest just a baby when they split), she's probably doing the best she can. The major issue here is a lazy man who doesn't seem to have any skills except convincing his former and current partners to do everything for him.

Exactly. I don't think he's painting the full picture here. Why did it take him two years to go to court for a court order? I hate when men claim "she doesn't let me" when they haven't don't anything themselves to arrange contact.

My DHs ex stopped him seeing his DD over an argument about a dog. He took action and got her back after 2 months. Would have been quicker if he didn't have to switch lawyers midway due to incompetence. Men are always quick to blame the ex. And sometimes it is the ex. Trust me, I know. But a lot of the time it's down to the dads lack of effort.

HeadInTheSand0324 · 21/03/2024 11:15

harriethoyle · 21/03/2024 09:46

OP says no children together, so thankfully for her, it is that easy!

Show quote history

Thank you for correcting me, I had misread it as them having a son together.

In this case OP, you aren’t married, you do not have children together and it’s your house so it’s very clear what the answer is : you need to end the relationship and ask him to leave.

FetchezLaVache · 21/03/2024 11:16

minnie1813 · 21/03/2024 10:09

Oh I didnt add it's my house he moved in with me

Of course he did. As @Illpickthatup reminds us, No one falls in love quicker than a man who needs a roof over his head.

Where did he live before he moved in with you, out of interest?

TheShellBeach · 21/03/2024 11:16

This is a horrible situation for your son, OP.

Your BF seems to be using you as free childcare and as a housemaid into the bargain.

I'd ask him to leave, pronto.

Igmum · 21/03/2024 11:21

100% agree you have a DP problem. He should be parenting his kids, tidying the house, doing the washing and changing the sheets. Instead he's found free digs and a skivvy. Please kick him out. You don't say how your DS is taking it, but if it's making you cry it's not good for him. You really don't need this useless knob in your life. Good luck OP

Gettingonmygoat · 21/03/2024 11:44

Stop ruining your little boys childhood. Get rid of the bloke, he is using you because he needs somewhere for his daughters to sleep every weekend.

TheShellBeach · 21/03/2024 11:45

Gettingonmygoat · 21/03/2024 11:44

Stop ruining your little boys childhood. Get rid of the bloke, he is using you because he needs somewhere for his daughters to sleep every weekend.

100% this.

caringcarer · 21/03/2024 11:46

minnie1813 · 21/03/2024 10:09

Oh I didnt add it's my house he moved in with me

You need to tell him the housing arrangement is not working for you and he needs to move out. He needs to rent somewhere where his girls can have a room of their own. I'd not put up with not flushing toilets after use and I'd make them go back and flush every time. You don't see him all week and he sleeps with his DD's on both weekend nights. He's just using you for free accommodation and childcare for his DD's. You'd be much happier living alone with your DS and dating someone who shows you more respect and consideration. Tell him today.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/03/2024 11:48

harriethoyle · 21/03/2024 09:36

You need to ask him to move out and prioritise yourself and your son. Your DP sounds like a nightmare.

Absolutely! This is the fault of him
Not the girls. Why are you clearing up after his children? Get him out

idontlikealdi · 21/03/2024 11:48

Why are you putting up with this, in you and your child's home. I genuinely don't understand.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/03/2024 11:50

This father needs to rent a two (at least) bedroom flat for himself and his girls to stay in. He might not want them every weekend once he has to do his own housework for them.
IF for some reason you wanted to stay in a relationship with him he can do sleepovers at yours and he can be the one packing a bag back and forth

This just sounds so so so awful

ohdamnitjanet · 21/03/2024 11:54

Obeast · 21/03/2024 09:57

There is no need for your boyfriend to be in your child's home. Boot him out. He's a shit parent and a shit boyfriend, there is no dilemma here.

Yup! Your poor boy.

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 21/03/2024 11:57

If a dcat was deliberately pissing on a bed we would assume it was unhappy. Probably true for his dd also. Unhealthy housing arrangement for everyone imo.