Please help at breaking point

[minnie1813]

So me and my partner have been together 4 years..I have one son he has two girls 8 and 5 no children together. For the first 2 years his ex wouldn't allow him to have the girls it was a nightmare. Now we have them every single weekend Fri to Sunday. I have a two bed house so I sleep in with my son (10) his girls have our bedroom and sleep with him. The situation now is too much for me I can't cope every single weekend I basically have to pack my stuff as they sleep in as they go to bed so late, I have to be out sat and Sunday morning for my sons football. The house is a total mess they are nice girls but just don't respect anything clothes get chucked everywhere, rubbish gets left, they don't flush toilets. Which to me at their age should just be normal to do those things. It takes me most of Sunday to tidy the house get rid of the sticky hand prints the mess and to change all the bed sheets. Then most Sundays my partner just drops them home and goes to the pub. I feel like there is no respect for me, I do everything get the shopping in and when it comes to birthdays I wrap and buy the presents and get balloons etc. I even buy mother's days presents for them to take home. For example last weekend I washed 8 outfits that one of the girls kept changing all were dirty and messy with food. And the youngest still wears a nappy to bed and just weed in it in the morning basically because "I just wanted to do it in my nappy" which obviously meant my bed was soaked. I am at breaking point I I just cry. There is no talking to my partner he just seems to get angry even when I suggested that once in a while they go home on a Saturday and just stay the one night. I work full time and my partner now works away for most of the week and then at the weekend I can't even get into bed with him...I just don't even know anymore. ☹️

Your son deserves better. Tell the boyfriend to leave and get some peace back into your life.

You are the problem OP,turf him out.He is using you,your poor son,you must put him first and get rid of the useless waste of space that is your partner.

You are being completely used. Why are you cleaning, doing laundry, food shopping for his kids? Why have you taken on the mental load such as birthday stuff for his kids? You are allowing him to disrupt your son and where he sleeps every weekend. It doesn’t seem right the mum does not get any weekends with her children after him doing nothing for years. She is doing all the school runs etc during the week and you are unpaid childcare at the weekend. Is he even paying rent to you? You really need to get rid of this loser. He even shuts you down and shouts at you when you raise there is an issue.

No response @minnie1813 ?

You are all so very right I think I needed some other people to tell me.

How on earth did he get every weekend with the girls in a two bedroom house with a child of the opposite sex living there. The girls should be sleeping in the lounge. You could be accused of letting something weird go on if they are sleeping with their dad. Their mum not wanting him to have them at all is another flag here. Either you kick him out before next weekend or you buy a sofabed for the lounge.

You are getting nothing from this relationship and what about the effect on your son? Every weekend he has to share his bedroom with his mum? That's not on.

So - next action is up to you I'm afraid.

He's sitting like a cuckoo in your nest plus his children have learned to disrespect you and your home - your son's home. Don't feel bound to give him any notice to leave. Just tell him this situation is not working for you or your child and he needs to pack and leave NOW. He's supposedly an adult so he can step up, however unwittingly, leave your home and move out. He'll have to sort out what happens with his children - even if that's leaving with their mother or other family whilst he sorts out accommodation for them and himself - but not from your home. It's his problem to manage.

Also change your locks ASAP. Don't just accept keys back from him - you can't be 100% sure that will be the only set he has. 🌹

Kick him out then!

Good grief woman, why are you putting this using twat before your own son?

Your standards must be in the gutter.

I don't think we should be slating @minnie1813 , it is neither fair nor helpful. Yes she has allowed this man to exploit her but it sounds as if the situation was so stressful she couldn't see the wood for the trees.
To echo everyone else, this man is taking the piss like there's no tomorrow, you have to get rid of him as soon as possible OP!

Given his track record, I think "asking" him to move out is too polite and will be an invitation for him to procrastinate - probably plead undying love, beg for a second chance, and promise to do better.

While he's at work I would change the locks, then pack his bags and leave them on the front step. Harsh, but probably the only way to get rid of such a parasite.

I know it sounds stupid but I needed to hear what people thought that weren't my friends and people that knew me..I have laid out the bare bones of it in this message I posted and there are way more scenarios I could mention but no point...I'll sit and cry. Truth is of course I do love him but I am also not stupid and know this cannot go on

I don't think he deserves your love op, he's not behaving lovingly towards you.
It sounds as if he and his ex are in a very dysfunctional dynamic and you're getting dragged into it and becoming an unwitting enabler

I mean the red flags were waving from day 1. A man with a 1yr old infant whose mother 'won't let' him see his kids, and instead of sorting it in court is instead sniffing around a single mother? Nope.

The only reason to move some bloke in to a child's home is if it's in the kids best interests. Obviously that's not the case here. OP has cocked up hugely but easily fixed by dumping him. No arguing or debating.

Kick him out. It's a no brainer

It’s over.
tell him it’s done and he is out. Don’t put up with this any longer.

Have I got this right?
He works away in the week and at the weekend he's using your place as free hotel and you're the slave-maid, working for free cleaning up after him and his children?
He goes to the pub and dumps it all on you?
You and your son are being crushed into a tiny corner of your own home by this man and his children.
I know you say you love him but it's not a good kind of love it's a dysfunctional trauma bond which is blinding you to the reality of the situation and allowing this man to damage you and your son.

You must put a stop to this.

From the OP post-

"I have a two bed house"

So it is the OP.

Good luck Minnie. You and your DS will be so much better off without him.

It’s horrible isn’t it op, but he really doesn’t love you as much as you clearly love him I’m afraid. If he did he would be working just as hard as you are at making this whole situation work, and he isn’t is he? He’s just selfish, lazy, and looking at you as a free maid, chef and childcare (with some sex thrown is as an added bonus). You can do so much better op, I’m sure of that💐

He's not a partner in any sense of the word.

So what is he?

He is happy to live in your house.

• He is happy to dump his kids on you to parent (you organised the mother's day gifts, you buy and wrap presents, you do their washing, you clear up the mess they make and flush the toilet! I expect you do the cooking as well?)

• He doesn't even try to teach them to flush toilets and not put sticky fingerprints and their clothes everywhere.

• He doesn't spend time with you afterwards, preferring to go to the pub.

• He takes over your room so you have to move out when they are there.

• He lets his kids piss in your bed and (I'm guessing) doesn't clear it up or get you a new mattress.

• He lets things get so bad that you cry and does nothing to change the situation so shows how little he cares for you.

Yes, I'm diagnosing him with acute cocklodging syndrome.

What should he be?

Your Ex / mistake / just somebody that you used to know (delete as appropriate)

It is your house so please do as others have suggested and change the locks with his stuff bagged up and outside. Then don't ever have contact with him again.

More importantly, please ask yourself why you allowed him into you and your son's life. Please promise yourself that no-one else will be allowed to get that close to your child unless you have spent years checking them out and are very confident that they are a good parent and a decent person.

@CantGetDecentNickname you have literally hit the nail on the head.
And I know what I am going to do and what needs to be done!

We are all here for you if you need support OP.

I wasn't sure if "I have" meant renting or owning. OP clarifies ownership later, about one hour after my question.

That’s the spirit OP, you can do this. You can make positive changes and take control and have a lovely life in your house :)