“Weekends of unspoken annoyance and resentment”

[HebburnPokemon]

I read this phrase on an old 2011 thread here, and goodness it resonated.

Living with other people’s children and their demands and chaos but unable to act on the discontentment or even mention it. I feel like a NPC (non playable character) in a video game. The person no one pays any particular attention to; just sitting in the background and reacting to the dynamics of a situation I have little agency in creating.

Does anyone feel like me? Discontent, agentless (aside from the one and only choice we have: leave) and voiceless. Raising concerns with OH is pointless. It always ends in argument/defensiveness and there’s little they can do about the setup anyway.

I know this sounds like a self indulgent winge, and I guess it is. Being a stepparent is lonely, so reaching out to others for solidarity is a source of comfort for me. I made my bed.

I totally agree i think my partner is scared that if he upsets them they wont want to come over anymore his ex wife treats him like shit and he never says anything to her . The pressures from their ex partners dont help the relationship either. It wad all nice when it first started i dont really know what’s happened all i know is they dont say two words to me but i also paid for the food they are eating or the day out we go on.

Feel for you OP- I really think couples therapy could help lots if you find the right therapist. It's incredibly fraught and difficult to have discussions about his parenting, your feelings about his kids etc, they can probably really only be had in a productive way that leads to change with the help of a neutral party guiding you both. But without that help your silent resentment will go unaddressed and nothing will change. You matter here.

Oh ffs. Young people have it much harder today in terms of finances. Wages are the same and housing is about 5x as expensive. Yeah I’m sure you could pay your own way boomer try being young in todays climate.

It’s none of your business if he wants to help his kids out financially. It’s what parents do. You sound bitter and awful and resentful and you shouldn’t get involved with his decisions regarding helping his children with money.

no one is as relaxed and happy when they are here, the house isn’t the same when they are here. My husband isn’t the same when they are here ( more stressed / tired / easily annoyed) so I also breathe a sigh of relief when they go

Amen. Word for word.

If no one is happy, why do we all continue with the setup?

Because for the other 10 days out of 14 it’s lovely?

because kids grown and leave?

because no family set up is perfect?

You are vile. Why are you here?

😂😂😂 the old saying don’t talk on things you don’t understand springs to mind. Take your lovely perfect unbroken family and opinions off of a thread you don’t understand.

In my view it was "be alone or be in a stepfamily" because I have kids and their other parent died. I couldn't have prevented that.

Choice might not be yours love.

Life is too short to live like this. We don't get to rewatch our life. If it was eow I might try to ride it out, but if over 50% of your life is living like this I'd make alternative. Maybe suggest you live separately until the children have left home? Or you live together 50/50.

"He potentially wouldn't be a disney dad if his ex were dead. The disney dynamic would no longer serve a purpose.

I agree with previous poster that a widow would be ideal."

Yeah, because grieving, traumatised children are just so well behaved. And widowed partners / motherless children definitely don't think of the deceased mum as faultless after her death. I can't actually believe that you said "a widow would be better". That's appalling^.

I say this as a woman whose mother died, whose father remarried and living in a blended family was absolute hell, as was the inevitable divorce. I'm sympathetic to my former stepmother now, it can't have been easy and no one was happy in that house, kids or parents, and it is no way to live.
You aren't happy 50% of the time , probably more so as you dread their arrival and I imagine argue a lot with your husband when they leave.
You said in an earlier post that you wouldn't want to stake your happiness on a man without kids - but you are already unhappy the majority of the time. Something needs to drastically change in your household and if it doesn't, something will snap, probably you. ^
^
I'm not anti stepmother by the way - yes I had a bad experience but twenty years on I can see it from a grown up perspective and not how I saw it as a teenager. But I think living in a blended family is incredibly hard, almost impossible at times to keep everyone happy, and if you or your husband aren't willing to change something then I'm afraid it doesn't look good. You need to sit him down and be completely honest with him about how you are feeling, work together on how things can be different. And if he doesn't want things to change then you have to decide if being unhappy so much is a price you really want to pay for this marriage.^

you dont know why people arent in relationships anymore so I should have stayed with my abusive ex husband. What a ridiculous thing to say also unless you’re a step mum you don’t know how hard and how lonely it is and why the resentment builds over time you have no idea so don’t make rude comments when you don’t walk in these shoes

all i know is they dont say two words to me but i also paid for the food they are eating or the day out we go on.

Same. To rub salt in, I'm the higher earner. If I didn't have stepkids, I wouldn't need this massive mortgage and could undoubtedly have a higher standard of living.

The people who whine non stop about their step kids are ridiculous. I wouldn’t want step kids personally and so I would never date a man with kids. I wouldn’t pick a man with children then resent said children. It makes no sense unless you are unable to get an eligible child free man.

And as for the woman complaining their partner god forbid spends money on their adult children, I work hard so I can help my children financially and that will extend into adulthood. I wouldn’t date some leech man who resented that. It’s non of your business if someone helps their own children financially.

Oh yay for you love, the question remains is , why are you commenting on a step parenting forum?

don’t you have anything else in your perfectly organised life to be doing?

It’s none of your business if he wants to help his kids out financially.

I know this was aimed at someone else, but I just want to give my view: when you're married and/or have joint finances it is absolutely both spouses business what their money gets spent on.

P.S. I'm a millennial.

Aaaaand bingo!

I agree. But I do have to wonder about the dads that are tetchy and stressed when their kids are around: you wanted this surely?

This is what people don't grasp - you're one death/affair away from a stepfamily!

I'm more in this camp. I am a parent with DP and he has never dismissed me so it would never occur to DSS to

You said in an earlier post that you wouldn't want to stake your happiness on a man without kids - but you arealready unhappy the majority of the time.

Needle in a haystack - childfree middle aged person who would happily live with your kids.

Why wouldn’t it be my choice? My parents divorced when I was five and my Mum never brought strange men around me. It’s not that difficult. She’d date but only when me and my sister were at my Dads at the weekend. If me and my partner were to split I’d do the same, if I did date I’d very much keep it separate for my children. My partner is also on the same page as me regarding step parents so wouldn’t be bringing any resentful women around our children.

😂 Ah I'd reply properly but I don't want to shatter your innocence.

😂😂😂 why are you assuming we have strange men around out children. Get off this thread you have no idea.