“Weekends of unspoken annoyance and resentment”

[HebburnPokemon]

I read this phrase on an old 2011 thread here, and goodness it resonated.

Living with other people’s children and their demands and chaos but unable to act on the discontentment or even mention it. I feel like a NPC (non playable character) in a video game. The person no one pays any particular attention to; just sitting in the background and reacting to the dynamics of a situation I have little agency in creating.

Does anyone feel like me? Discontent, agentless (aside from the one and only choice we have: leave) and voiceless. Raising concerns with OH is pointless. It always ends in argument/defensiveness and there’s little they can do about the setup anyway.

I know this sounds like a self indulgent winge, and I guess it is. Being a stepparent is lonely, so reaching out to others for solidarity is a source of comfort for me. I made my bed.

I have 3 stepkids and no bio kids. I didn't have my own kids for several reasons. I didn't meet the right person, I loved my career and I loved the freedom of doing what I wanted when I wanted. I never had any overwhelming urge to have kids so I didn't think it was fair to have them just because. I've always liked kids. I came from a big family and I was the oldest so I've looked after little kids most of my life.

I always said I'd never date a single dad, not because of the kids but because of the horror stories I'd heard from friends about the exes. I've known DH since high school. When we started dating both of us weren't looking for anything serious but we ended up falling for each other. He had his kids 50% and seemed to be doing a great job. There was routine, he had no qualms about pulling the kids up when they needed it. That has never changed. When I got to know the kids and we moved in together I used to ask his permission to do things or I'd say "it's your call". He would always say "no, it's our call" or "I trust you, do what you think is right". We discuss parenting as a couple. We are truly a team and I think that's the only way things will work. Same goes for conventional families.

I've literally said to DH on the phone today about DSS17, "you're going to have to speak to him again about his hygiene because he's stinking and he's stinking the house out". Did DH take offence and claim I must hate his son? No, he agreed with me, called him a lazy smelly get and said he'll have a word with him when he's home.

I have never been made to feel like I'm not a priority. DH worships the ground I walk on and has always made time for me. Even if we don't manage a date night we'll schedule in an early night with a movie or a game of card and a bottle of wine. He has always shown his appreciation for what I do for the family. He also doesn't pander to the ex. If she asks for us to have the kids extra nights he always runs it past me first and if we have plans she is told no.

It seems from ready the step-parenting board that I'm one of the lucky ones, or maybe there's loads more of good dads/partners out there and they're not on MN because everything is hunky dory. My point is, it is possible to be prioritise your marriage and your kids. It is possible to be a happy stepmum. A lot of it does come down to your OH though.

Excuse me? You won’t reply because you have no response. It’d be very easy to not bring strange men around my children, and my partner had an awful step parent so is in agreement with me.

It’s a public forum 😘 sorry if I’ve hit a nerve. I was responding to someone’s comment they tagged me in.

She hasn’t replied because you’ve been so ridiculous. Let me tell you, all couples are ‘on the same page’ until they aren’t.

If you think your now partner would be exactly the same if you broke up, then you are deluded.

the end.

Yes but youre being rude you havent hit a nerve with me I just don’t like people assuming things about other people theres no need.

Maybe look up abuse rates of step parents to step children compared to bio children, including emotional abuse, then tell me it’s a good idea to have a resentful stranger around your kid.

Do you actually think that’s good parenting? Children know if they are disliked, so even if they aren’t being abused it’s still a bad environment for them. Use common sense.

If it's joint money then it absolutely is her business.

So you'd rather be in your situation now than single? Miserable most of the time, feeling resentful of your partner and his kids? It doesn't make sense that you'd rather this situation which is making you unhappy, over being single and not having to deal with this, with the potential to be happy more often. At the end of the day, he is not a good husband if his actions regarding his kids is making you unhappy, and he knows this and isn't willing to change how he manages his kids behaviour. Even if he is lovely, charming, treats you well the rest of the time - him knowing you are frustrated and unhappy because of his actions does not make a good husband, sorry.

☝️

haha oh dear.

You may find circumstances (and viewpoints) can change quite dramatically after breakup. After all, no one marries with intent to divorce.

I feel both for you and for your DSC in this scenario. Of course, a child shouldn't feel he or she needs to tiptoe around the home they live in, they didn't ask for this divorce or living situation but yet they are forced into unnatural and restrictive behaviors, which I think this is. OTH, your dogs have needs and you love your pets and should be able to live in harmony with them. Honestly, it sucks for the child and for you. No good answers, IMO.

He's in agreement with you now..! If you split, do you think he would stick to that arrangement? You are woefully naive.

This is really unhealthy. Can you get counselling, so that you can change your approach/response?

I’d expect anyone to be tiptoeing around at 6.30 am lol I know this isn’t your point. I did give a solution wake your father up. I don’t think not wanting to leave dogs and kids unsupervised is a bad thing. OH was too tired getting up at a ridiculous hour so put a stop to it, when it affected him of course but only when he was affected. Also not tiptoeing it’s more respect and courtesy. Different houses different rules down side of split parents it’s a bit tough tbh. They aren’t beaten or starved but there are rules 🤷🏼‍♀️

My bar is really high I suspect. They're just being kids - kids are egotistical, needy and disruptive (according to lore). So what can my partner do if the kids are just being kids and it's me that's intolerant to chaos?

Can I ask why you chose to move in together?

I think if you can afford it, then living separately is always a better option.

It means you can have your own space and both have time with your individual kids, which I think is very important but you can still stay over each others homes and act like any other couple.

Most couples with kids, move in due to financial reasons but it sounds like you could afford to live separately and so I’m wondering why you thought this would be a better option?

How do you suggest counselling will help? (Genuine Q).

Reframing?

The way I look at it is if a child lives in my house (and dsd lives with us 109.% of the time) I get an equal say on how things are. Now she's now a young adult so not the same as younger kids but no way can you tread on egg shells. And if I'm not happy I tell her directly and inform dp that I have, he backs me 100% because he knows I'm pretty laid back and reasonable. She doesn't like it when I intervene over something but does understand that we share the house, I we did take her in unexpectedly when her mum's circumstances changed without warning.

Your basically saying all step mums are abusive and assuming they hate their step children no one has said that at all it’s your assumption again. Also you have a thing about thinking people have strange men around their children in the 11 years i was on my own ive only introduced one partner to my children and thats who im with now and we didn’t meet each others children until we had beem Together for a year. Stop being so judgemental based on what you may have heard or read.

Another reason why I won't step in and discipline: the kids report back to their other parent. Everything.

Every argument. Every minor discontent. Everything.

It's like having spies in my home on a regular basis.

Then if ex is feeling salty, they will text shit about it.

haha oh dear

You may find circumstances (and viewpoints) can change quite dramatically after breakup. After all, no one marries with intent to divorce

Not for me! Having seen the absolute evil abusive witch of a "stepmother" who was forced on my son by my ex-husband, end up with a Prohibited Steps Order due to her treatment of my (autistic) child, I would not ever bring a man into my household. Ever. I don't trust anybody, I have absolutely no inclination to date while my child is young. My ex husband chose to end his relationship with our child rather than her. It's not difficult to put your kids first. Similarly, I wouldn't date a man with children either. I love kids, but I'd rather concentrate on my own than end up in a hideous "blended family" situation which people do nothing but moan about in this site. It's easy to avoid, just don't do it 🤷🏻‍♀️

What was so hilarious about Strawberry's comment? I've been on my own for 6 years since I was widowed. Me and dc are fine on our own. It's not compulsory to blend with another family while the kids are still at home.

Sorry you're son went through this unfortunately there are people out there who are not nice im glad he is not around her anymore.

Prohibited Steps Order is to prevent your ex taking the child and not returning them.

Anyhoo, my point was that you cannot control what the other parent does, short of illegality.