“Weekends of unspoken annoyance and resentment”

[HebburnPokemon]

I read this phrase on an old 2011 thread here, and goodness it resonated.

Living with other people’s children and their demands and chaos but unable to act on the discontentment or even mention it. I feel like a NPC (non playable character) in a video game. The person no one pays any particular attention to; just sitting in the background and reacting to the dynamics of a situation I have little agency in creating.

Does anyone feel like me? Discontent, agentless (aside from the one and only choice we have: leave) and voiceless. Raising concerns with OH is pointless. It always ends in argument/defensiveness and there’s little they can do about the setup anyway.

I know this sounds like a self indulgent winge, and I guess it is. Being a stepparent is lonely, so reaching out to others for solidarity is a source of comfort for me. I made my bed.

Chances of finding someone without kids at our age - super slim. And also, hypocritical?

I have kids OP, but I would honestly not want step kids and I'm lucky that I'm in a relationship where my OH doesn't have kids. I think I'd find it exhausting.
Being honest, I did 50/50 and if I could go back I'd change that. I don't think it works for many kids and there's a lot of disruption for the resident kids/adults. I think it's too busy for everyone and nobody is really feeling "at home ". This is what my adult kids have since told me.
My experience though and it might work for some.

I can't stop the 50/50. My DC are young adults and insist on it!

I can feel your very real pain & frustration and upset x it can be a sodding relentless nightmare

He potentially wouldn't be a disney dad if his ex were dead. The disney dynamic would no longer serve a purpose.

I agree with previous poster that a widow would be ideal.

Not really no I still don't get it, I have children myself and have decided not to date again as I would rather be single than date someone with children but plenty of mums do meet men without children so it's not impossible and does happen. Maybe this just a step mum thing? I never see step fathers complaining about their step kids and they have to live with them full time which is surely more difficult but step mum's seems to constantly complain about their step kids.

Is the joint house close to the one you own and currently live in? Would it be possible for him to live there with his kids at least part of the week? Or you all live there and you return to your house when they stay?

Failing that, maybe some couples counselling with an impartial referee third party to establish new house rules that you both agree to, so that you don't feel like an imposition in your own house.

Also, I know you say your kids are really chilled but o would check in on this because I don't see how it can have no impact, sharing the house for half the week with kids whose personalities are do different and whose dad is in conflict with you about them.

I'd be mad as hell at the notion of a man living with me who felt he didn't need to pay house insurance because he didn't want a house! Wtf is his logic - I think this could potentially have cocklodger vibes so I'd keep an eye on that attitude.
I'm also very wary of people who aren't kind about animals so I'd keep an eye on that too.

He potentially wouldn't be a disney dad if his ex were dead. The disney dynamic would no longer serve a purpose.

Maybe. But he doesn't like being bad cop, I don't think that would change.

plenty of mums do meet men without children so it's not impossible and does happen

Why would someone choose not to have kids then choose to be with someone who has them? Does not compute.

I don't think it's hypocritical to not want to date someone else with kids. I think it reflects an understanding of how difficult blending families can be.

And without wanting to generalise too much, women seem to manage to parent children without abandoning any actual expectations or boundaries.

I also think it's possible to find either men without kids or with adult kids who are independent.

Otherwise, we just accept that living together isn't always right or possible and try to redefine what relationships can look like.

I think it's really sad that the OP and others are so willing to accept feeling miserable, stressed and overlooked.

I understand.

We have 6 between us. My DP’s were 10 years plus when we met. It hasn't got any easier as they get older and some of our basic differing values are at play. (giving the kids money for instance, we differ in, I was brought up to never ask my parents for money, mine don't ask me ( unless a massive emergency), his ask and were given repeatedly…until I asked DP to tot up the amounts….(thousands in dribs and drabs).

None of it is easy. Parenting is ‘different’ between families, not necessarily wrong or right.
Overtime, we have had to have some very serious conversations, sometimes to the point of knowing I would walk away if changes weren't made.
We have also always had a discussion around ‘ if that is what you want for your children and I don't for mine’ we can agree to differ.

To be more postive - If you could change one thing, what would it be?
What is it that is most difficult?
Start with that, good communication to agree a change. Involve all kids. If that change can be agreed and is a success, there is a motivation to improve other aspects.

We have made changes overtime, some my DP has had to see the negative effects for himself - hard lesson/tough love - some aspects we have agreed together beforehand.

Why would someone choose not to have kids then choose to be with someone who has them? Does not compute.

Because those men haven't necessarily chosen not to have them? They just haven't. Maybe fertility, maybe it was never right person/right time.

I’ve always said I’d rather have his kids full time. If we had them full time, it would be our rules full time, it would be our routine full time. They’d be part of our lives full time. At the moment they pop in and out causing problems their father doesn’t fix. Usually step dads live full time with the kids and the mother gets a grip. I think I’d be happier too. I think you find step mums complain because they have no routines with the other parent no boundaries and they come to our homes expecting to behave the same way which I don’t agree and then you have a dad who is scared to upset them just when sm’s ask for basic boundaries and respect.

Chances of finding someone without kids at our age - super slim. And also, hypocritical?

I don't think you understand the definition of hypocritical. This isn't hypocrisy. It's asserting a boundary.

You're getting me mixed up with another poster who owns their house - and they have a cocklodger in their midst. I jointly own mine with spouse, so neither of us have any other place to go.

Couples counselling is something we've seriously considered and I'm tinkering on the edge of booking.

sharing the house for half the week with kids whose personalities are so different and whose dad is in conflict with you about them.
This is true. I'm sure they'd prefer a conflict-free home, but they would not prefer a lonely parent. It's so difficult.

I think it's really sad that the OP and others are so willing to accept feeling miserable, stressed and overlooked.

It is indeed sad. I've cried a couple of times today in fact. I truly love my spouse, but I don't love the packaged deal.

How can I expect anyone to love my packaged deal either? Being the only party to bring kids to a relationship surely makes for an uneven relationship?

I think it's really sad that the OP and others are so willing to accept feeling miserable, stressed and overlooked.

It is sad, but in my case we also have a shared DC so now I have no choice but to lump it. But I made my bed, so I'll lie in it (saying that before someone else says it to me)

I hear you. Grabby kids is another difference in my house! I find it vulgar, entitled behaviour and not to be encouraged.

Overtime, we have had to have some very serious conversations, sometimes to the point of knowing I would walk away if changes weren't made.

What topics were these conversations?

To be more postive - If you could change one thing, what would it be?

To feel I'm a team with my spouse, rather than they are a team with their kids. I put my marriage first, but I suspect they are torn between marriage-first and kids-first.

Finding an infertile person that I'm compatible with is not a goal I'm statistically likely to achieve. I can't bank my happiness on it.

At the moment they pop in and out causing problems
This!

They pop in, cause turmoil, then depart the rubble for a few days before returning to do the same, again and again.

I think it's hypocritical. "I know I couldn't put up with someone elses' kids, but I expect you to put up with mine."

Indeed, I said "I made my bed" in my opening post.

Now I just need help making that bed less uncomfortable.

I really hope you find your voice. I was fortunate that when my partner was being Disney dad he did tell me I could deal with them but not to shout or swear which was reasonable. I issued consequences to the behaviour I didn’t want to see. Yes we would have rows outside of the kids earshot but the behaviours stopped so I was happy, kids had boundaries and eventually partner is seeing changes and benefits.

i.e youngest used to jump on my sofa after many “nice” chats from dad I caught him and told him I catch you doing that again you’ll be sitting in the floor. It has not happened once since. Daddy thought that was harsh but apparently disrespecting my shit wasn’t?!

Almost all the step parenting issues would disappear if women stopped having relationships with crap dads.

This really sounds like an issue with your DH not his kids at all- although they are different from yours, they’re just being kids. The weird powerless position you’re in is largely the fault of your DH failing either to parent properly or support you, it sounds like due to some unresolved conflict with his ex. I feel sorry for you and for the kids (all of them). I wouldn’t be willing to live like this.

I would also query whether your own children are actually as ok as you think. You described them as passive, which oddly was the word I initially wrote about you (then changed it to powerless). Sounds like there is a lot of tension and unhappiness at home and they are just being passive and largely uncomplaining - much like you are. Sounds as if they’ve picked up that this is how they are expected to be.