“Weekends of unspoken annoyance and resentment”

[HebburnPokemon]

I read this phrase on an old 2011 thread here, and goodness it resonated.

Living with other people’s children and their demands and chaos but unable to act on the discontentment or even mention it. I feel like a NPC (non playable character) in a video game. The person no one pays any particular attention to; just sitting in the background and reacting to the dynamics of a situation I have little agency in creating.

Does anyone feel like me? Discontent, agentless (aside from the one and only choice we have: leave) and voiceless. Raising concerns with OH is pointless. It always ends in argument/defensiveness and there’s little they can do about the setup anyway.

I know this sounds like a self indulgent winge, and I guess it is. Being a stepparent is lonely, so reaching out to others for solidarity is a source of comfort for me. I made my bed.

I think it's hypocritical. "I know I couldn't put up with someone elses' kids, but I expect you to put up with mine."

Hypocracy is centred around moral beliefs/actions where you judge someone for that which you are guilty of. There is no victim of the "hypocrisy" in this scenario as you just move on past those that don't meet your dating criteria. No harm done.

What would be hypocritical is to date someone also with kids and criticise their kids for behaviour that went unchecked in your own kids. Probably plenty of examples of that on Mumsnet.

That you take this view gives some insight into why you've ended up in what sounds like an intolerable position. It's all about being clear on your boundaries and wants. If the prospective partner doesn't like it they can move along.

Yes you have made your bed, OP, sorry.
I wouldn't be a parent, let alone a step one.
Not helpful, I know.
I would take the only choice mentioned and leave.

Honestly, it's the hardest job... My own and my stepkids are all grown up now, and we didn't have any together - but I had over ten years of it, and it almost split us up many times. I never really told him how I felt, or I think it would have.

I used to dread weekends, I worried how my own coped with the other two, they were all quite close in age, but so completely different. Add to the mix that the sdc came from a far wealthier background, and their mother was/is a crashing snob... I had the Disney dad to cope with too, the children had completely different rules and boundaries, and at times it was hellish. Although it's fine these days, they're all in their twenties and all left home, and we all have decent healthy relationships, I will never forget how awful it was, and how if I had my time again I would never, ever get involved with a man with children. It's just too hard. But once you're involved with it all... you have no idea at of knowing what it will be like. You have all my sympathies x

Topics…varied.

Money, as you can see from my post. That was very much me believing young adults should either earn their own and if they don't they can't have.
At times we had discussed that I would carry on with ‘my way’ with my own, and he with his.
DP would cover up the fact that he was giving money. Often it would come up in conversation by his DC’s and I would challenge DP everytime, saying I wasn't prepared to be lied to.
Many tough conversations.
I think he felt he was in the middle of my expectations and what his DC’s had always expected.
It changed through tough conversations, including me talking about my views to his DC’s. DP also realised he was being taken for a fool when one of his was borrowing money each month, yet had bought a private number plate for his car!

Being tidy. Rules for all DC’s about the shared areas and their own bedrooms. My children were messy too. New rules were agreed for all.

Helping with household jobs. Mine did, except for one, his didn't. Again, clear conversation, rules and accountability for everyone.

I did find it really hard, initially, to hold his DC’s to account. Mine were always pulled into line. I would remind DP and expect him to do it. That has improved overtime.

Other annoyances. His DC’s and one of mine are avid TV/screen watchers, especially youtube - I hate the constant noise but we compromise. Time for me to be elsewhere in peace or perhaps expectations that we all go out for a walk, or the more active go out.

Planning ahead for the more stressful times worked. I hate family gatherings, including the GP’s where we all sit hour after hour, so I plan a meal out, a walk or a visit to do something so that we avoid the sitting. Being active and busy is easier.

I was a teacher, and maybe that impacts. I find I can be really objective about my own children too and not always feel that DP and his children were always the ones in the wrong.

This is my life every other weekend. The dread of my house becoming a mess not being said hello to and goodbye when they leave . Not being able to say if something annoys me as he gets defensive and angry with me . Feeling like im a visitor in my house. Being told i should say hello to them when they come and stop over thinking everything! Not being thanked for joint presents that ive gone halves on. Its so hard.

Some of that is basic manners.

Does your DP not expect that his children have good manners.

I would be addressing it with him, expecting that you both sit down and explain to the DC’s what good manners are required. Then you both praise when they remember and both hold them to account when they don't.

I have and he just doesnt like when i say anything about them he gets so defensive.

Sometimes not having children is not a choice, for various reasons. I do but my boyfriend doesn't for example. I certainly wouldn't be blending families with somebody else's kids

But then how often would he excuse their behaviour because their mum died? I think this would just come with a pile of different problems. Dealing with grieving children would be so difficult.

Why have you stayed?
If you can’t build a life outside the home to make this bearable - then you need to build a respite inside. A garden room or loft space and retreat there to listen to music. Paint. Watch films.
Unless I had this I wouldn’t consider staying.

Because a lot of the time the woman is the main carer so stepdads often aren't doing a whole lot rather than being present. Whereas a lot of fathers meet a woman and dump the childcare onto them. It also seems to be more common for the mum to be high conflict and want to cause problems.

I'm going to create a "Step-Parenting" Bingo Card.

Hence why I would never be a step mum. No one is dumping their childcare on to me.

"but I suspect they are torn between marriage-first and kids-first"

We are evolutionary designed to put our offspring first. When I read comments by parents of their marriage first I feel very sad.

My childs needs will always outrank everything. Their wants need to be balanced but never their needs.

DP would cover up the fact that he was giving money. Often it would come up in conversation by his DC’s

Do you think these conversations were strategic on the stepkids' part? i.e., they wanted you to know your spouse had prioritised them?

They don’t start the relationship by saying when you meet my kids I’ll take a step back and it’s on you 😂. Hence why we don’t always know what we’re walking into to.

They make out their children are the best thing since sliced bread. Well mannered respectful etc etc. and they are to start. You think oh I can do this, this isn’t bad. Then they get comfortable and you realise the kid you met was on their best behaviour as not comfortable. Then you see the behaviour you don’t like and it goes one of two ways. Dad agrees and parents or dad doesn’t agree and you either decide I’ll deal with it or you stay quiet and unhappy.

Most women naturally I think make sure kids are fed, watered, clean, have enough sleep so without meaning to we do a lot because it’s just in us. But this isn’t our responsibility! Some dads let this happen and put more and more on SM and you wonder why she resents looking after a kid she didn’t created unpaid and disrespected and unable to speak!

I thought it would be easier than it was. If I was to become single again I’d try to meet a guy with no kids but given they’re popping them out at 12, it’s unlikely!

Fair enough. I put marriage first as the marriage is the foundation of the household.

Everyone's "needs" are obviously important. But as far as the relationship that rules the roost - the marriage every time.

I am fairly new to this and have found this thread/board with relief. Other people feeling and thinking the same as me when I am too ashamed to admit it.

I adore my partner but I don't like him as a parent. I feel like the underachieving maid at the weekends they are with us. I feel awkward in my own home. If I want to do something it has to be alone because what they say goes. They are entitled, rude, have poor manners, untidy and can do no wrong. Actually, the last one isn't true. He knows they have faults but doesn't know how to or want to resolve it.

I feel lonely and I feel sad for my children who are older but have boundaries and rules and expectations and manners. Already I can see/predict a disparity in how much my own children get and how the DSC will fare as they reach that age.

It's hard isn't it. Early days for me, so maybe things will improve.

He knows they have faults but doesn't know how to or want to resolve it.

Scared of the repercussions? It's bizarre how mothers are seldom scared to parent their kids. 🤔

Just go. It really won't get better.

Honestly I don't like other peoples kids so it wouldn't happen anyway. I would rather be single. There's enough threads on mumsnet for me to be certain I would never ever date a man with children and I'm very glad my own children will never have a step mum.

Yes. He wants everything to be perfect because he feels guilt that he is not with their mum anymore. So they get away with everything. Nobody ever says no to them, but I do, and am expected to say no to my own children at every turn.

I also believe the marriage should always come first as long as the child's needs are being met. The marriage is a solid foundation for the family so if neglected will inevitably fall apart which will impact the children. When the kids move out it's just you and your spouse. I think a lot of marriages end after the children are grown because the couple haven't nurtured their own relationship and have only focussed on the kids.

I also think it's important to demonstrate healthy relationships to kids. My stepkids have great respect for me and I think a lot of that is down to them seeing my DH treat me with respect. I've never had any problems with "little wife syndrome" because my DSD isn't threatened by me and knows she's loved just as much. My parents always made time for each other when I was growing up and I always wanted to have the marriage they have. They've been married nearly 50 years.

There's a difference between needs and wants. I don't think it's healthy to bring up children believing they are the only priority and the world revolves around them.

My stepkids are well looked after and want for nothing really, but my DH also makes sure he makes time for our relationship.

I honestly believe it’s guilt. And the fact that ex wives can be absolutely dreadful.

Dads try to mitigate this by being the good guy.

my husband and I have very similar parenting styles and expectations but his ex has gone so far the other way to be their mate and influence how they feel about him , my step kids are very different to my kids. I will happily pull them up on their behaviour and my husband will back me up but he doesn’t always see the issues I do ( which he would see in my kids) I think we all have a natural tolerance for our kids that we don’t have for others!

But, none of this makes any difference to the fact that no one is as relaxed and happy when they are here, the house isn’t the same when they are here. My husband isn’t the same when they are here ( more stressed / tired / easily annoyed) so I also breathe a sigh of relief when they go and when all the tidying and washing is done and everything is back to its relaxed state. Then we repeat.

It is what it is, it’s not forever and whilst I would have loved to meet a man with no kids, I didn’t meet a single one who was ok for me to have kids who didn’t want some of his own. so really things aren’t that straight forward. ( thanks to all the step parent day trippers who got lost and thought their opinion matter here like it’s AIBU 🤣)

This is what I think. I know my personality would not lend itself to being a step-mum. I’ve been jealous of pets that boyfriend’s have had with ex-partners so I knew I couldn’t tolerate kids. I would be jealous of that shared history, but I would also hate having to share my home with other people’s kids. I’m the type of person that is delighted when guests go. That is just my personality, I was like it at 14 and still like it at 44. Those first years of dating, where you just eat out, cinema trips, holidays, those were the golden years that solidified my relationship, I can’t imagine doing all that with his kids in tow. Similarly it’s the thought of my children being sent to some woman’s house that makes me ensure my marriage will never break-up. If my DH makes my blood boil, and I think ‘sod this’, it’s the thought of my DH and a new GF picking up my children on a Friday night and taking them off for the weekend that makes me wind my neck in.

I appreciate this is not remotely helpful, but what did you think it would be like??