“Weekends of unspoken annoyance and resentment”

[HebburnPokemon]

I read this phrase on an old 2011 thread here, and goodness it resonated.

Living with other people’s children and their demands and chaos but unable to act on the discontentment or even mention it. I feel like a NPC (non playable character) in a video game. The person no one pays any particular attention to; just sitting in the background and reacting to the dynamics of a situation I have little agency in creating.

Does anyone feel like me? Discontent, agentless (aside from the one and only choice we have: leave) and voiceless. Raising concerns with OH is pointless. It always ends in argument/defensiveness and there’s little they can do about the setup anyway.

I know this sounds like a self indulgent winge, and I guess it is. Being a stepparent is lonely, so reaching out to others for solidarity is a source of comfort for me. I made my bed.

My happiness is important to me and him when it suits.

absolutely I’m not saying don’t see your kids I’m just saying don’t fuck our finances up in the process. Id never dream of spending £150 without a conversation with him. But I guess don’t expect of others what you’d be prepared to do for them or you’ll just be disappointed.

uhm I think he does because usually I’m the peacemaker but I’m at a point where I know the future is not with him based on current circumstances. I made no issues to resolve our disagreement, I told him if he wanted to leave he was free to do so. I didn’t fight for him or for us. I think this unsettled him, but straight away goes spending money on his kids. Then Saturday he was out from 11.30am and I took dogs for a walk had plans myself. I asked if he could sim to be home for 7 ish so dogs not alone for ages. He made a big issue about me being controlling and how his kids were having so much fun how rare I say to end it. I said they’ve been having fun since 11.30 am. They have bed at 9 so 7pm is reasonable. I told him you have the opportunity to make your kids happy which you have done and to make me happy or to make your kids happier and me unhappy. You decide but me always being told I come below your kids will not need well. He came at 7.25 with a ream of messages about how he shouldn’t have to come 🙄 the more he speaks atm the more I realise this isn’t a relationship I want. Life is not easy atm in this house x

I agreed.

@EG94 the money would have me ending the relationship. He has utter contempt for you.

If you don't leave him, at the very least separate out the finances, and don't sub his irresponsible spending.
What happens if he can't meet his share of bills because he's blown more money than he has?

I actually find it hard to make conversation

Me too, because every time I try I'm met with a minimal response.

Counting the hours indeed.

It's a crap life, isn't it?

Yep sometimes it really seems so. And I do try with his kids I try my hardest but when he is in excuse my language cunt mode, I shut down to him and his kids quicker than you can blink. I know it is ridiculous and shameful to admit but I’ve worked out why step parents can feel jealousy of kids. They are treated better and pushed to the top no matter what in most circumstances.

add to the stress of him, I have just changed my job as my company we’re laying people off and I had a genuine worry for my mortgage. I start my job 2 weeks today. I have taken a pay cut. I have a bit of debt (less than 5k) which I’m clearing and aim to have done by Jan. Pay cut makes this tighter on top of the house I just brought needing renovating. I have made it clear if he wants to go, go I’ll manage but if he wants to stay, he thinks we have something rare to fight for and I agree it was, at the beginning. I’m not making effort but whilst he is here I’m financially not so bad off and will benefit from that for as long as I can. I know that sounds so grabby but I helped him to clear in excess of 15k worth of debt. He is in a better position now than when we met. I don’t want to struggle more than I have to after freeing him from debt.

the time will come but given my debt will be done by Jan 25, if I can suck it up a bit longer, lesser of two evils for me

Whilst I have seen improvements the battle to get them is unreal.

100% this. Life shouldn't be a continuous battle.

I'm feeling really sad and pessimistic today :( Probably because I'm in the middle of a visit and one of the stepkids stole from me a few days ago. The atmosphere is shite.

I don’t blame you and the weather is awful that always puts me in a bad mood.

omg how are you so calm. If they stole from me I would actually tell him to take them home.

That's awful. It seems like you are trying to be reasonable but it's never enough for him. 7 hours of fun is not enough for his kids, free activities are not enough for his kids. He is spilling his entire cup into his kids and there's nothing left for you yet in his eyes you're the controlling one. He is never going to meet you in the middle because he's not willing to compromise at all when it comes to his kids and he expects you just to accept that.

I think you're right that's there's no future for this relationship. It doesn't seem like you are getting anything positive from this relationship. You deserve to be happy. You deserve someone who respects you, you will treat you as a priority, who will listen to your concerns and take them on board, who will strive to make you happy. And if you can't get that then you're better off on your own. Spending your time and money how you choose. Doing what you want without having to factor in other people.

My DH and I wrote our own wedding vows. Included in his to me was "I promise that you will always come first, you will always count" "I promise to be worth it. Worth the time, the energy and your love". Any time I've felt that I wasn't coming first or that I was being taken for granted, I've spoken up, he's listened and he's changed things. Over the time we've been together I've had to deal with his psycho ex, court cases, money troubles, asshole teenagers but I can whole heartedly say that it's all been worth it.

Relationships can be hard work. Relationships when stepkids are involved make things even harder. Life is never a breeze but it should be worth it. I don't feel like you OH is worth all the grief, stress, time and energy you've put into the relationship. I don't think he has any intention of making sure that he is worth it.

I think that blending families is very hard, that it must be almost impossible to raise children with different parents, value systems, home circumstances and general habits, in a way that is harmonious and works for all concerned.

"almost impossible" sums it up.

add to the stress of him, I have just changed my job as my company we’re laying people off and I had a genuine worry for my mortgage. I start my job 2 weeks today.

Wow, I too have changed jobs and will be starting my new one around the same time as you! The stress is real.

omg how are you so calm. If they stole from me I would actually tell him to take them home.

It's not the first time either. This particular 13 year old has stolen from me several times. I'm anxious every time I buy something. When I react, my spouse will retort "she's not a hardened criminal! She probably thought it was okay."

FFS. Several times, and told each time it's not okay! Give me a fucking break.

My DH and I wrote our own wedding vows. Included in his to me was "I promise that you will always come first, you will always count"

Damn. Wish I had done that. Maybe time to renew the vows...

Our vows are framed and on our bedroom wall.

We are super cheesy, I know haha!

I fully agree and I think the thing that just fucks me right off.. when we met he said I would always come first because without me there is no family. Without me there’s nothing. So I come first always.

oh my that has not be the truth at all. We have had good times yes we have but the bad just outweighs the good.

i Think he is a gaslighting narcissist and he definitely has traits. He never takes accountability for any of his wrong doing. When I say this isn’t ok, whilst sometimes after repetition it will change it’s always turned back on me that I’m the issue. I question myself. I question am I the villain. But sadly for him I’m a strong woman with my own mind and mouth and I know I’m not the things he says. I know it is not unreasonable to ask him to be home for 7 for the dogs. That’s family life. I know I’m not unreasonable for asking for his kids to go to bed at 9 so we have an hour together. I know I’m not unreasonable. I think I am incredibly fair and balanced but because he is not he has made me question if I am controlling many times.

@ABirdsEyeView he takes delivery shifts so him not being able to pay is never a problem but to replace the £150 he now has to work three evenings so his kids wants have impacted our life after they’ve left. I’m not angry about it now. Now I just shrug my shoulders and say you choose them again and enjoy my time alone with my dogs who are my priority over his kids which he fucking hates

Take her shit out of her room and when she asks for it back asks her to return all the items she’s taken in exchange. I can be a bitch 😂 I won’t have my house fucked or my possessions

Talk is cheap. It sounds like he's said all the right things to lure you into a false sense of security. But ultimately his actions show that not to be true.

It sounds like you've already decided that the relationship is over but it's in your best interests for him to stay from a financial point of view. I'd take a leaf out of his book and put yourself first from now on. Use him to get yourself in a better financial position, pay off your debt then ask him to leave. Make plans without considering him or the kids.

You say they moved into your house. Would you be able to downsize once they're gone? Maybe that would allow you to split up sooner than January.

Re the money, there's 2 options.

1. Try to get him to repay what you've spent bailing him out of debt. He could get a loan or increase his contribution to the joint account. This means completely separating finances, get his share up front when he's paid and refuse to sub him at all.
2. Accept that this money is gone and cut your losses. Get rid of him and have a less stressful life.

No woman should ever bail a man out of debt, unless she's super wealthy and can afford to take a loss.

my house is owned and fully affordable I have no desire to sell. The house I brought is not affordable only with his presence. It’s my credit card I want to clear ideally before he goes as I’m skinting myself to get it done.

I have already started to have my own life independent of him and his children.

to be clear I didn’t pay the debt off but I absorbed costs to allow him to clear it. I wrote letters and emails to have debts written off the largest being one with the ex for £12k. At the time I could afford to absorb costs elsewhere to allow him to focus on his debt but now I need to prioritise my own finances.

I have also always paid for everything for my dogs he has never contributed. I have recently refused to pay for his kids birthday and Xmas, dinners out or days out.

I have slowly detached to make the final break easier.

shame because when we first met before kids came along, life was better and we talked and sorted out everything. Now we just fight 😂

I have already started to have my own life independent of him and his children.

Does this mean what I think it does? ;)

Hahah no one else no. And I swear if the next says I have kids I think I’ll just there and then say yea no thanks bye 😂 or create a series of questions of what would you do in the following situations

this has without doubt put me off of getting with someone with kids again. First time I’ve done it and likely will be the last I think.

I'm sat here sobbing to myself (thank god I work from home) simply because I've been reflecting on my shitty situation and the fact I've got at least 10 more years before I get any relief.

I'm having a real wobble.

@HebburnPokemon oh no... we're all here for you too.... sometimes I feel that way too. I was just thinking the other day, that realistically this could go on until they are around 30... (isn't that the average age now that 'kids' leave home?!), which is another 11 years for me. In terms of our relationship it means we have longer to come than we've had...

Let's appreciate the good times in between the 'WUAR' and I hereby declare that we should use that now instead of 'EOW'!!

Let's think of small steps that can help?

Then the Step grandkids will arrive 🙄

And with a thud you brought me back to reality.... I actually dread this. There are broadly two outcomes:

The one I would like, where me and the SK get along great by then, and WUAR are a thing of the past, and I really do love babies and things are all lovely....and if one of them ended up living abroad that could also be good ;)

The one I dread, where things are still tricky, and the SDs continue to be as entitled as now, and demand babysitting often, and last minute, and DP asks how high when they ask him to jump.

Then the Step grandkids will arrive

Ah no, fuck that. We're moving abroad when we retire. Time for us.