“Weekends of unspoken annoyance and resentment”

[HebburnPokemon]

I read this phrase on an old 2011 thread here, and goodness it resonated.

Living with other people’s children and their demands and chaos but unable to act on the discontentment or even mention it. I feel like a NPC (non playable character) in a video game. The person no one pays any particular attention to; just sitting in the background and reacting to the dynamics of a situation I have little agency in creating.

Does anyone feel like me? Discontent, agentless (aside from the one and only choice we have: leave) and voiceless. Raising concerns with OH is pointless. It always ends in argument/defensiveness and there’s little they can do about the setup anyway.

I know this sounds like a self indulgent winge, and I guess it is. Being a stepparent is lonely, so reaching out to others for solidarity is a source of comfort for me. I made my bed.

Separate houses - that's the answer! He can indulge (and be totally responsible for) his kids on his time and you all can have peaceful, respectful homes and a partner who presents his best self when he's with you and not the Disney dad, feeling guilty because he's divorced, version!

I wish we'd done this, hindsight is a wondrous thing.

Separate houses looks ideal on the face of it, however I’d miss my partner. I don’t want a part time spouse.

If I'd had limitless money I'd have 3 houses in a row - me and dh could have had one on each end and the kids couldve lived in the middle with a nanny

I have separate homes as one of his DC is quite unbearable in behaviour and my own DC do not like it. It is sad but the best way. I try very hard not to dislike the child, because it is caused by the parenting but this weekend I was at the end of my tether and it was very fractious.

In all honesty I have never met a child with the level of entitlement that his child has. His other child is nothing like this, but she is a girl and not mummies favourite like the special boy Prince. He is old enough to know better but I keep catching him snatching things off toddlers, when it comes to helping out with anything his arms and legs don’t work but if it’s something that he thinks isn’t fair or he wants to get first he would shove his own granny over to get to it. He was thirsty so I bought him some water while we were out and he complained it wasn’t the drink he wanted. We also have to use a timer for taking turns with anything and he will relentlessly badger you the entire time it’s not his turn about when it will be his turn and Then it comes to his turn he will just try to haggle extra seconds out of it and keep demanding the timer is reset on his turn so he gets longer. Sometimes I want to smash the timer into smithereens and run away to Australia

@OfficeProbx your partner would rather live separately than deal with his kid’s shitty behaviour?

My ex became a completely different person when step children were present. It was like I didn’t exist anymore even though it was my house he had moved into and where the children were visiting.
I tried my very best for the first five years or so but eventually got worn down and couldn’t face it anymore.
My ex could not grasp how hard it was for me accommodating his children and contact with/ needs of his ex wife. I had no children and no contact with my first husband so he never had to experience it from the other side.

@Blackcats7 I hear you. Having an ex constantly floating around like a fart trapped in an elevator is the worst.

Kid doesn’t respect dad either, it is a losing battle situation. The child has a stereotypical ‘boy mom’ mother who absolutely idolises him (and teaching him he is the second coming), whilst really neglecting their DD. Their DD is a delightful sweet kind soul who is quite wounded by this. DP supports me being fed up as he is also fed up about the behaviour. He's not a weekend dad (50/50) so I see them once or twice a week and we see each other mainly on the child free days as it’s just too much. Problem is she won’t hear of him being anything but perfect so he’s constantly backchatting both of us. I recently asked him why he thought this was ok, did he not believe what I was saying was true? He said no he didn’t and yes he knows everything. This was in response to why he couldn’t have something that was meant for adults and not suitable for children.

He is like this with DP too and he is constantly battling it, I’m not being funny but I do worry about how this child is going to fare as an adult with his disregard for boundaries or authority. It is a sad golden child problem

I feel for anyone who is trapped in the little Prince/princess dynamic as a step parent, it’s not just girls. It happens to boys too.

DP supports me being fed up as he is also fed up about the behaviour.

Sounds like the kid needs professional help. What’s he like at school?

Absolutely bloody perfect to a point, he’s very clever so he manages to get away with a lot of the egotistical behaviour in this sense as he’s smart with it. He’s relatively innocuous on the surface but he has this real mean and cruel streak that gets out sometimes. It took a long time for him to stop hurting animals by being too rough and aggressive with them and the family pets do not really like him. He also tells constant tales on everyone else so I think it can bamboozle you as to whether he really is the wronged party.

I can predict all his behaviour before he even clocks me, I know exactly what he is going to do. If a toddler has a toddler toy, he will want it just because someone else has it. And he will not give up until he gets it

I can't explain how nice it feels that others feel the same as me and I'm not going mad. Although, I suppose you all know that as you are here too experiencing the same :)

I now have 2 child free weeks, with just a few evening visits, no sleepovers :)))

This was actually my problem. We were living apart, and I felt like it was a part time relationship because we didn't see each other at all on the weekends he had his kids. I thought things would be better if we moved in together. (We aren't married). I didn't actually realise that nothing would change, and I still wouldn't exist EOW, despite being in our shared home!

But, I can't turn back the clock. There is no solution, because I do believe we would have split up if it had to continue as it was, and this isn't ideal now either.

But, as I've said upthread, this is the only issue between us, so I suppose I just choose to bear it... in the hope it will improve as they get older. I know that bigger kids = bigger problems, but I do hope things do ease up. They certainly have with the older SD who never stays anymore and I have a reasonable relationship with now, which I'm very happy about!

My stepson spent the weekend actively avoiding being in the same room as me. Way to make me uncomfortable in my own home.

Due to crossed words before their arrival, my partner thought he would “punish” me by picking them for dinner and taking them back to their mothers. Told him this not a punishment at all. So I didn’t see them Friday evening, didn’t see them Saturday as I was busy. I had from Sunday 10am through to 4pm to cope so wasn’t that bad. They were ridiculously spoilt this weekend so I’m sure they were so so happy!

Morning all.

My stepson spent the weekend actively avoiding being in the same room as me.

Bizarre, any idea why?

@EG94 he punished you by keeping his kids away from you? You should be naughty more often!

They were ridiculously spoilt this weekend

Any reason why?

@HebburnPokemon i know that’s what I said to him 😂😂 spoilt to prove a point to me. He knows that when we have no money which is most of the time I say can we do a cheap or free activity? So because we had a row and he decided to see his kids without me, he ending up spending £150 on them and had the outright cheek to tell me I owe him £2,50 for the deodorant he got me. This has always been a bone of contention. Before we lived together he was taking his kids out every weekend spending £100 + a time. At this point none of my business right. We moved in together and that’s when I discovered he had debts (now cleared) he was working 75 hour weeks to avoid to spoil his kids. I said this is excessive and needs to stop. Time is the most valuable gift you can give someone. You can afford to knock the second job on the head and have time with us but the lavish days out end. He was ok ish with it but will make a point of going mad on them if we have had a row. Of course tho I’m unreasonable for daring to have an opinion

@HebburnPokemon who knows, but on Friday I came home to him coming down the stairs, said 'hi, you ok?' to which he mumbled a reply and turned straight around and went back upstairs!

What are you actually getting from this relationship? It sounds miserable and you don't seem to be a team at all. He seems extremely petty and childish. Spending money he doesn't have to try and piss you off? Just wrong on so many levels.

@EG94 apart from the money issue, taking them out for most of the weekend sounds bliss!

@Floofydawg SD does that as a matter of course here anyway... I prefer it! No idea why, I honestly do try and I think I am nice to them all.

I actually find it hard to make conversation, which means that I often end up not saying anything, and then I can't say things like 'would you mind putting your shoes away'... (when they are one in the middle of the hall and the other in the kitchen right in the middle of the room!)... because if these are the only things I say, I seem so uptight... I just leave it for their Dad to put away, and I count down the hours.. hopefully in a room I have all to myself.. reading what you lot are all up to..!

I have children so I struggle not to see the glaring differences in behaviour between his and mine. I am not even a particularly strict parent but I can’t believe what DP tolerates for an easy life sometimes. My kids could be badly behaved but they needed boundaries and were expected to have manners. DP doesn’t seem to notice the lack of please and thank yous and even when I point it out, I think he is deluding himself that his kids are polite when they are clearly not. Just because they aren’t having tantrums doesn’t mean they have good behaviour

and do not start me on the fall out effects from baby led weaning (which I did not take part in), all you have now is fussy children who mostly prefer beige crunchy, salty or sugary foods who have been allowed to pick at their food and only eat the bits they like. We will be going out for the day with a child who has just eaten a few pieces of cucumber and crisps for lunch and DP will say ‘well it’s a vegetable…’ yes but it’s got no nutritional value to sustain an active child for the next 4 hours at a park and lo and behold, ‘I’m hungry and my legs hurt’ starts after 30 mins

He also gets cross at them for messing around at the breakfast table when he has given them waffles and syrups (chocolate sauces) for breakfast on a school day. This is why I dont want to live with him, the diet they eat is dire and I dont want this rubbing off on my kids

That’s the current question I have and what the argument was about. I think I have one foot out the door. Whilst I have seen improvements the battle to get them is unreal. He is petty and he is childish but when I question this spending I get.. they’re my kids, their happiness is important and I should stop being controlling. My response is your children’s happiness doesn’t have to come with a price tag and you do not have the money so for you to be able to afford this, you’ll have to do some hours in the week so your children’s happiness comes at the cost of mine and I’m pretty fed up with that tbh

And is your happiness not important?

Most of the activities my DSD enjoys are free. He can spend time with his kids and make them happy without spending £150. Going to the park, bike rides, nature walks and day at the beach. You're not telling him to stop spending time with his kids you're asking him not to blow cash when he can't afford it. And of course he twists this and accuses you of being controlling. If he's always going to play "my kids come first" card then you're never going to get anywhere.

Does he realise how close he is to losing you?

@EG94 what on earth are you doing lovely, putting up with this shit?
I'm honestly horrified by MN sometimes, seeing how many nice, reasonable women, are putting up with such awful, childish behaviour from men.

I know when you're living it, it's hard to see the wood for the trees, but as an outsider looking at the posts on here, I sincerely believe the majority of you would be far happier, separating your home lives and finances from these men.

I think that blending families is very hard, that it must be almost impossible to raise children with different parents, value systems, home circumstances and general habits, in a way that is harmonious and works for all concerned. Especially when there's a husband and father who isn't capable of managing all the different strands.

In an ideal world everyone would be able to live together and be happy but this isn't happening for so many of you - the kids clearly aren't happy, and you are living in dread of their visits.
I know it's easy for an outsider to say but I honestly think it might be better to see less of your partners but 'better' than forcing yourselves to be together full time but stressed and miserable for great chunks of it!