Page 17 | “Weekends of unspoken annoyance and resentment”

HebburnPokemon · 2024-03-20T09:43:42+00:00

I read this phrase on an old 2011 thread here, and goodness it resonated. Living with other people’s children and their demands and chaos but unable to act on the discontentment or even mention it. I feel like a NPC (non playable character) in a video game. The person no one pays any particular attention to; just sitting in the background and reacting to the dynamics of a situation I have little agency in creating. Does anyone feel like me? Discontent, agentless (aside from the one and only choice we have: leave) and voiceless. Raising concerns with OH is pointless. It always ends in argument/defensiveness and there’s little they can do about the setup anyway. I know this sounds like a self indulgent winge, and I guess it is. Being a stepparent is lonely, so reaching out to others for solidarity is a source of comfort for me. I made my bed.

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

bananasaredelicious · 15/04/2024 17:08

Floofydawg · 15/04/2024 16:06

Then the Step grandkids will arrive

Ah no, fuck that. We're moving abroad when we retire. Time for us.

Ooh now that's a thought. In fact, DP has talked about going abroad for large periods of time, several months at a time. But he always talks about Florida, and golf.. and it doesn't appeal to me. Suddenly it appeals much more!...

Original poster

HebburnPokemon · 15/04/2024 18:07

I’m going to live on a cruise ship

OP posts:

socks1107 · 15/04/2024 19:11

I've always said I'm moving to a one bed bungalow!

Floofydawg · 15/04/2024 19:34

I'm not even joking. It's in the 5 year plan.

Original poster

HebburnPokemon · 16/04/2024 09:48

Our eldests are 13, so when they get to 18ish we are going to make it crystal clear: have kids if you want them but leave us out of it.

OP posts:

bananasaredelicious · 16/04/2024 10:40

I feel pretty selfish about this, but my general thoughts re my own DS and grandchildren are that I won't be their first port of call, their wive's mothers probably will. (I realise this can all change, eg if they aren't close to their mother/ live abroad etc). I used to call my Mum if I was unwell, rather than my (ex) mother in law so I just figure I won't be very called upon.

But, my DP can't wait to be at the beck and call of his daughters for his grandkids....I'm going to need to work out my boundaries!!

BigAnne · 16/04/2024 11:04

bananasaredelicious · 16/04/2024 10:40

I feel pretty selfish about this, but my general thoughts re my own DS and grandchildren are that I won't be their first port of call, their wive's mothers probably will. (I realise this can all change, eg if they aren't close to their mother/ live abroad etc). I used to call my Mum if I was unwell, rather than my (ex) mother in law so I just figure I won't be very called upon.

But, my DP can't wait to be at the beck and call of his daughters for his grandkids....I'm going to need to work out my boundaries!!

You figured wrong. Most parents work, so child care often split between both grandmother's IME

Original poster

HebburnPokemon · 16/04/2024 11:15

my DP can't wait to be at the beck and call of his daughters for his grandkids....I'm going to need to work out my boundaries!!

What a grim retirement you will have. I’d LTB while you can.

OP posts:

bananasaredelicious · 16/04/2024 11:25

lol, I'm being told to LTB and I didn't even ask yet whether I should or not 😂😜

bananasaredelicious · 16/04/2024 11:26

I need to really get a commitment to a foreign bolthole and establish that pattern before the grandkids arrive don't I?!

Original poster

HebburnPokemon · 16/04/2024 11:37

You do indeed

OP posts:

Floofydawg · 16/04/2024 12:55

This whole narrative around being around to look after grandkids really pisses me off. I've raised my child thanks, and when I retire I want that time for myself. If this makes me selfish then so be it. People are retiring later, and in turn their children are having kids later. So there will be generations of 70somethings killing themselves running round after small kids when they're too old and knackered to do it. No thanks, it's not for me.

BabePaley · 17/04/2024 16:36

HebburnPokemon · 13/04/2024 10:24

His daughter acts out in many ways but he's got his head in the sand, won't address it, won't admit there might be a problem. If I say anything he gets defensive, he parents from a place of guilt. The result is that me and his DD don't really have a relationship, we're more or less separate family units living in the same house and I'm on eggshells when she's here.

Are you ME?? How often is your stepdaughter in your home? Any coping tips? I find keeping myself to myself is the only thing that preserves my spoons! (And even then, there’s still drama).

I think some of these husbands could do with therapy to work through their guilt and recognise the impact it's having on their wives, but ultimately, they are willing to throw you all under the bus rather than insist on manners from their children and decent behaviour.*

This hit hard. But it makes sense from their POV. Why risk rocking the boat with your kids when you can just piss off your spouse (who is less important than the kids). They don’t realise they’re not helping the kids.

*BabePaley good luck with your studies! I too am juggling full time stressful management job and postgrad. My spoons for dealing with shit are limited,

She's here maybe seven or eight nights a month. He usually brings her to his home place a few hours away on weekends he has her all weekend so it's not much. It's not enough for her to settle though or for us to get used to having her here.

We had a horrible year last year when it all came to a head. He said that he wanted this house to feel as much her home as her mother's. How can it feel like her home when she's not here that much, has no friends in the area and is a good drive away from school? Her primary home is with her mother who brings her to school most days, who buys all her clothes (in the seven years I've been with him he's never bought her a stitch of clothes) and who lives on her own with her without the complications of a partner and another kid. I don't think there'll ever be equivalence there.

He can't see it. He thinks they can be equal parents and they can't. On top of that her mother is hostile and has not looked him in the eye since they split up almost ten years ago, will only communicate through text and email. So oceans of unresolved guilt for him and probably massive attachment issues with his daughter who's almost 12 but acting about 7. It's an absolute clusterfuck.

How I cope is shut down, avoid as much as possible, don't say anything and go out as much as I can. It's very sad. For all of us. But I can only fix what I can fix and I can't fix either of them.

Caffeineneedednow · 17/04/2024 18:18

Floofydawg · 16/04/2024 12:55

This whole narrative around being around to look after grandkids really pisses me off. I've raised my child thanks, and when I retire I want that time for myself. If this makes me selfish then so be it. People are retiring later, and in turn their children are having kids later. So there will be generations of 70somethings killing themselves running round after small kids when they're too old and knackered to do it. No thanks, it's not for me.

This I equally don't plan on being full time care for my kids kids either.

I'm happy to do some babysitting and occasional care but not full time. I want to enjoy my retirement.

Original poster

HebburnPokemon · 22/04/2024 12:27

How can it feel like her home when she's not here that much, has no friends in the area and is a good drive away from school?

If you ever find out how to crack this conundrum, please let me know!

He thinks they can be equal parents and they can't.

Despite not having 50/50?

On top of that her mother is hostile and has not looked him in the eye since they split up almost ten years ago

Why did they split?

OP posts:

BabePaley · 23/04/2024 15:17

If he wanted to be equal parents he should have got 50/50 but as far as I know that was never suggested.

They split up because they just weren't getting on. They were living in the same house, he stayed out one night and she got annoyed. I know the 'crazy ex' cliche but she is actually quite an odd person and not someone I'd want to deal with.

EG94 · 24/04/2024 09:33

Need some tips for how to get through this weekend and the coming weeks. It appears we have ended things but his is still living here for a bit (financially suits us both) his kids don’t know and he doesn’t want to tell them until he has moved out. They will be coming EOW until he goes. How the hell am I going to manage the emotion of the ended relationship and his kids not knowing but also deffo not being able to say a single word to them about any behaviours I don’t like?

ABirdsEyeView · 24/04/2024 09:55

If this was me I would correct any behaviours that were disrespectful to me or my home - fuck whether he supports that or not! If you aren't together then you don't have to pussyfoot around his delicate feelings. If you can't be respected in your own home then sharing a house (even temporarily) won't work.
Have a conversation with him before their arrival and try to get some ground rules sorted.

EG94 · 24/04/2024 10:00

ABirdsEyeView · 24/04/2024 09:55

If this was me I would correct any behaviours that were disrespectful to me or my home - fuck whether he supports that or not! If you aren't together then you don't have to pussyfoot around his delicate feelings. If you can't be respected in your own home then sharing a house (even temporarily) won't work.
Have a conversation with him before their arrival and try to get some ground rules sorted.

yea I want to but also don’t want the dialogue with him afterwards. I’m trying to avoid contact whilst he is trying to encourage it 🤦🏼‍♀️ I’m going to try and busy myself for this first weekend and stay out the way. I will see how it goes and if anything happens see how he responds. If no response to bad behaviour I will have to have a conversation with him. I’m trying not to be cruel but maybe will have to be contact happens away from my home until he leaves if it becomes unbearable. Thank you for the advice

ABirdsEyeView · 24/04/2024 10:36

How long do you think you will be likely to share a house? If you're talking a few weeks at the most then avoiding the conflict is probably the way to go. But if you're talking months, then it's not fair for you to be subjected to behaviour that's more than the usual kids being kids. If it's likely to be months of sharing, then it might avoid conflict more by having clearly defined house rules for the duration. Sharing is messy - you aren't a couple anymore and it's probably better for both of you if expectations and obligations are established before the kids are thrown into the mix.
Hope it all goes smoothly for you

EG94 · 24/04/2024 11:00

ABirdsEyeView · 24/04/2024 10:36

How long do you think you will be likely to share a house? If you're talking a few weeks at the most then avoiding the conflict is probably the way to go. But if you're talking months, then it's not fair for you to be subjected to behaviour that's more than the usual kids being kids. If it's likely to be months of sharing, then it might avoid conflict more by having clearly defined house rules for the duration. Sharing is messy - you aren't a couple anymore and it's probably better for both of you if expectations and obligations are established before the kids are thrown into the mix.
Hope it all goes smoothly for you

I think it will maybe be 2-3 months. I start a new job next week which keeps me out the house and he is working nights too so as of next week we will not see each other which I think will make things a million times easier. I think by mid May will be very clear if 2 - 3 months is manageable or not. It’s always the weekends that are the hardest, I need to busy myself on the weekends especially. The only thing I’m dreading is he has already made clear he can’t wait to be single and get back on scene, in fact made that clear as soon as I ended it. There is a part of me that feels it’s disrespectful / unjust. He is living in my
home really cheaply saving to move on and fucking around dating etc. I’m emotionally all over the place whilst managing the house, new job, kids EOW. Depending on how the next few weeks go re not seeing each other at all, will show the right way to proceed with the kids. I suspect he will still want them to come and I will be made out to be an absolute bitch if I say please see them not in the house. Guess will just have to see how things go and as we are keeping up appearances for the kids, I’ll consider just continuing how I would be with them even tho we aren’t together.

Illpickthatup · 24/04/2024 11:06

EG94 · 24/04/2024 09:33

Need some tips for how to get through this weekend and the coming weeks. It appears we have ended things but his is still living here for a bit (financially suits us both) his kids don’t know and he doesn’t want to tell them until he has moved out. They will be coming EOW until he goes. How the hell am I going to manage the emotion of the ended relationship and his kids not knowing but also deffo not being able to say a single word to them about any behaviours I don’t like?

Sorry to hear your relationship has ended up given what you've said in your posts it's definitely the right thing to do.

Can you go out while they are there? Are you and your OH in separate bedrooms? Could you maybe retreat to there?

Illpickthatup · 24/04/2024 11:12

EG94 · 24/04/2024 11:00

I think it will maybe be 2-3 months. I start a new job next week which keeps me out the house and he is working nights too so as of next week we will not see each other which I think will make things a million times easier. I think by mid May will be very clear if 2 - 3 months is manageable or not. It’s always the weekends that are the hardest, I need to busy myself on the weekends especially. The only thing I’m dreading is he has already made clear he can’t wait to be single and get back on scene, in fact made that clear as soon as I ended it. There is a part of me that feels it’s disrespectful / unjust. He is living in my
home really cheaply saving to move on and fucking around dating etc. I’m emotionally all over the place whilst managing the house, new job, kids EOW. Depending on how the next few weeks go re not seeing each other at all, will show the right way to proceed with the kids. I suspect he will still want them to come and I will be made out to be an absolute bitch if I say please see them not in the house. Guess will just have to see how things go and as we are keeping up appearances for the kids, I’ll consider just continuing how I would be with them even tho we aren’t together.

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The fact that he's already thinking about dating tells you everything you needs to know and exactly how unimportant you were to him. You're 100% doing the right thing.

Also good luck to him dating with the attitude he currently has. I doubt many women will last long when they see how he panders to the ex and his kids constantly.

EG94 · 24/04/2024 11:35

Illpickthatup · 24/04/2024 11:12

The fact that he's already thinking about dating tells you everything you needs to know and exactly how unimportant you were to him. You're 100% doing the right thing.

Also good luck to him dating with the attitude he currently has. I doubt many women will last long when they see how he panders to the ex and his kids constantly.

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im really hurt. Just my final straw was he is currently working 9-5 day job. 5 - midnight night shifts Monday - Friday. We are not seeing each other. I need some cash so I’m doing every Saturday and every other Friday so he can see his kids. Last Sunday he fucked off out with his friend at 3pm and intended to come back at 10 and somehow thought this was acceptable. The friend he went with works the nights with him so he sees him every fucking day! I pointed out I am getting as much time with him as his kids are and he said making money was more important. Ok. I said he doesn’t drop his kids to see a friend because they’re important but I’m just not and you tell me every day through your words and actions how little I mean to you. For this reason, I believe our relationship is over as I will not beg to be loved, appreciated and prioritised any longer. He agreed no reassurance just said ok I’m not happy I’m not sad but it’s right. Then I asked if whilst we are living together we could out of respect not start dating. That’s when he told me if he is staying for 3 months he couldn’t agree to that as he has needs and he can do what he wants.

whilst it hurts because I am still in love with the man I met who was nothing like the man now. That’s what made me hold on for so long, the man I met was amazing in every way and I hoped he would return. I realise he can move on and the next woman will have the same problems because I have the same problems his ex had with him. Everything is my fault, he takes no accountability and I think I have been in love with a narcissist gas lighter and I am ashamed that a woman like me, strong independent has fell for it and involved 2 kids 🤦🏼‍♀️ I think we’re trauma bonded. I’m exhausted and drained and it’s only been 3 days.

I can’t wait to be strangers again. This loss isn’t a loss. He lost a fucking good woman who only ever asked for his time. The petty part of me wants him to have some kind of revelation and realisation that I was a diamond and he will look for me in every woman he meets. But his ego won’t allow him to. I know my worth and I couldn’t be minimised anymore.

thank you for advice and support. How can it be so painful doing the right thing? 😥

ABirdsEyeView · 24/04/2024 11:41

Please get him out of your house (am assuming it's yours, not jointly owned). Even if it's harder financially, if it's at all doable you'd be better without him there. Can't believe he won't even agree not to date while you're sharing a house - is he expecting to be able to bring another woman home?