Mother's Day sadness

[mum2twoDs]

So, back story my own DM passed when I was very young, today - Mother's Day is also her birthday- a very sad time for me - especially after my 20 year relationship with my ExH broke down 2 years ago (he had an affair now lives with OW) and I very much feel alone in the world.

Despite repeated requests not to allow his new GF to be involved in gifts for me from our DS (SEN) as I feel she does this to rub my nose in things rather than out of kindness, and despite being told I didn't want to celebrate Mother's Day this year, he allows the GF to take my DS shopping and purchase gifts - DS proudly announced GF insisted he get me something- poor DS obvs doesn't get why I am upset but I have also tried to be as gracious and welcoming of the gift as I can- but it is a very clear reminder that I am on my own as a parent - think Mum and child on their own item-

She knows her interfering upsets me- he must have told her it was my DM's birthday- why are some people just so cruel

There’s a lot of upset/jealousy towards your ex’s partner but you don’t seem to say much about him. He is the one who had an affair, yes she was the other woman and that’s wrong to go with someone who is married but it is more wrong for a married person to have an affair! He ruined your family. Whether she’s being kind or cruel does that matter if your DS wanted to get you a gift and she helped? Ignore her involvement in it and just think of your DS.
As for the FIL situation that’s up to you and them if you want to keep contact but unfortunately in these circumstances it does tend to be we loose people we’ve had in our life for years.

@Youcannotbeseriousreally yes, I saw your other replies, which only makes the other one even more unnecessary and goady.

I’m sorry you’re clearly having a bad day and are trying to take it out on strangers on the internet.

take care.

Get angry, stop being sad. If he's living with the OW there is no better time than now to get divorced. Right now, he's housed. Therefore you will likely get a bigger share of assets (assuming there are any) if it doesn't work out with her and he has to get his own accommodation then you could lose at. There is no time to waste.

OP, I don’t know the people involved, but a dad should help a primary aged kid with a Mother’s Day present and I wouldn’t be surprised if your ex has fobbed this off on her.

I am picturing the gift as one of those twee mother holding a child wooden ornaments. I can well believe she went into Clinton cards with him, grabbed it from the Mother’s Day shelf and thought no more about it.

Of course, she may have spitefully steered him away from flowers to something hurtful but it doesn’t seem super likely.

I am not intentionally making my life any more difficult than it is, and what I care about are my children.

I absolutely do not want anyone to behave like I am still married, but I also do not want to be excluded as if I don’t exist either.

The instruction regarding me not going to FIL’s party came from OW via ExH - I doubt FIL was given a say in who was invited.

I will always consider my FIL, and MIL and her husband as my family, they are my boys Grandparents, I will always be a part of their lives and help them when they need for as long as they need because my issue is with ExH and OW not them. Of course I know she now has a place in their life and my place has changed but that does not mean I will write them off as a her issue not my family.

I was hurt by the behaviour of the OW on a day that ExH should have had the gumption to stand up to her - but didn’t.

I also took your initial post as being hurtful rather than helpful, but tone and language can be interpreted differently when written.

Your point that all I care about is the OW is wholly inaccurate- I care about my children, I want my younger son to be shown that co-parenting can be done without continual conflict- I do not want my adult son to see his mum upset because his dads new partner can not respect boundaries.

ultimately my initial post was me looking for a wee bit of affirmation that I am not alone in the world and that others too have life situations that are challenging.

We should be adjusting each others crowns not trying to steal them or inflict more upset with cruel posts

And agree with progressing the divorce.

There was nothing from me apart from:

I know where you’re coming from

But your post was ALL about the OW. You don’t get to determine all the boundaries now, maybe your ex asked her to do the Mother’s Day stuff etc? Regardless of where that came from, your son was pleased to give you the gift and that is the only thing that should matter.

You should focus on YOU, because you are more important than her - don’t waste your energy anymore.

Unfortunately families do take sides, it doesn’t matter who decided the OW would go and you wouldn’t. Essentially it’s their son that’s the most important to them. You can keep your head held high by giving the space for that to happen in a dignified and controlled way , where you are in charge.

I just wanted to shout TAKE CONTROL OP - make it about you and your son and forget about the OW.

sorry if you took it as nasty or criticism , it wasn’t coming from that place at all, I want you to feel empowered to forget her and move on and have a happy life

It seems a shame only to respond to a critical post, when many of us have tried to help, OP.

I get that you just wanted some solidarity, but people saying "yeah, OW sounds a nightmare" (she does) can only help so far. It may even hold you back by keeping the focus on others and not what you can do so that you feel different this time next year.

"I was hurt by the behaviour of the OW on a day that ExH should have had the gumption to stand up to her - but didn’t"
why he should stand up to his partner ? I dont understand it.

Really? You don't understand? The ex husband might have had the common sense to not allow his affair partner to buy a goady present for his struggling wife. It's the contempt. I've been at the end of this myself and it's really shit.

ExH is not emotionally tied to her anymore, he has a new partner and he has to care about new partner feelings.
If he would care about OP he would not had cheated on her. You and OP are asking for respect and loyalty but he needs to be respectful and loyal to his new partner not the ex.

I understand it's difficult to move on after so many years together but the reality is if a man can behave this way after 20 years together he has made OP a favour. She can move on and someday find someone who respects her.

I don't get why he should "stand up to her" either. His new partner is his priority, not his old one.

And I repeat, because it's a bloody cruel and unnecessary thing to do, allowing your affair partner to buy a gift for your wife to remind her she's now a single parent. I'm struggling to understand why some of you can't see this and that they are a pair of cunts. Also, he's still married to OP!! Regardless of whether he lives with her or not, treating her with such contempt after turning her life upside down, is not ok. Same message to @Pinkmushrooms who also has a "poor affair partner" attitude to this. I can only presume neither of you have ever experienced this!

Yes it can be cruel but exH cheated on OP, why to expect respect from someone who has thrown 20 years together? For him this OW was always his priority, unfair and cruel yes but it is what it is. He is with a new partner, it does not matter if she is the OW or a new one, it's his current partner and obviously for him she is the priority.

Just send the present back in the post, every single time, and slightly damage it just so it can't be taken back to store, I guarantee this shit will stop
💐

OP, one of the hardest things to get your head around is that your exh is no longer your friend and doesn't have your back in any context. He won't ever upset his ow on your account, even if she's being a total bitch!

Re the in-laws, if this was me I would have talked to my pil and asked them what their preference was re attending the party and then I would have followed their wishes.

Mind you don't get lumbered doing all the running around/chores for pil while being excluded from the family get togethers - either you are family or you're not but they don't get to have it both ways.

Ah OP I am so sorry this has happened.

Obviously you don't want them to know you are upset, but equally, I don't think you should have to tolerate her buying your mother's day gifts. Could your adult son arrange something for both of them? If so you could just say thank you but it is all sorted for next year...