Mother's Day sadness

[mum2twoDs]

So, back story my own DM passed when I was very young, today - Mother's Day is also her birthday- a very sad time for me - especially after my 20 year relationship with my ExH broke down 2 years ago (he had an affair now lives with OW) and I very much feel alone in the world.

Despite repeated requests not to allow his new GF to be involved in gifts for me from our DS (SEN) as I feel she does this to rub my nose in things rather than out of kindness, and despite being told I didn't want to celebrate Mother's Day this year, he allows the GF to take my DS shopping and purchase gifts - DS proudly announced GF insisted he get me something- poor DS obvs doesn't get why I am upset but I have also tried to be as gracious and welcoming of the gift as I can- but it is a very clear reminder that I am on my own as a parent - think Mum and child on their own item-

She knows her interfering upsets me- he must have told her it was my DM's birthday- why are some people just so cruel

I am really sorry to read about the loss of your Mum. It must be especially hard that today is her birthday.
Do you think perhaps you ex's girlfriend thinks she's doing something kind by buying you a gift? Is that possible?

Unfortunately I don’t think so, Ive asked ExH a couple of times now to have the gifting stop, I specifically asked him in run up to today not to send anything.
They had an affair, and she is actively trying to replace me- I wasnt allowed to go to FIL’ 75th birthday party because she was going she doesn’t think it’s my place now as she is ExH’s partner - this has been the case with a number of family events, for a family i have been a part of for 20 years

That sounds so hard. I really wish that I could give you some good advice.

I am sorry to hear this but she is probably just trying to be kind.
i think in any relationship breakdowns , families take sides. They aren’t your family so why would you be invited over your ex’s new partner? I know it’s hard but it’s natural in the circumstances

They have been my family for over 20 years! I’ve taken my FIL to hospital appointments- just at Xmas he could get hold of my ExH and his boiler wasn’t working do he rang me to see if I could help.
she is not kind, she had affair with a married man who has children, she actively is trying to replace me in my own life

Disagree with people saying she is trying to be kind. Being kind would be not sleeping with a married man who has a child with special needs. I would be telling her personally to stop with the gifts if your ex can't. Or worse if he has told her & they are doing it anyway then I would be gifting her the same present back on her birthday. They shouldn't be playing mind games if they are aware you're having a hard time and don't want gifts and are going ahead anyway.

Sorry for the loss of your mum OP x

I’m sorry OP, it sounds hard.

I mean this with kindness.

You need to take some control back. It’s irrelevant whether the OW is being kind or not, you cannot control her behaviour only how you react to it.

just bin the gifts as they are meaningless.

More importantly, it’s your ex who bought her into your lives, stop telling him things. He may be getting pleasure out of upsetting you so don’t let him know. He may have done nothing (or not got his lackey to) if you hadn’t mentioned it.

You are split he doesn’t need to consider your feelings and prob didn’t before if he had an affair.

The family parties are a harder one. Maybe visit before the event with gift and card.

You've been shat on but you will get through this.

Your son should be encouraged to celebrate mother's day with you however I am sorry if the ow involvement is causing you upset. Please direct your attention elsewhere and primarily on you, sadly your marriage has broken down and you need to try to move forward, your ex husband hasn't featured much in your post, however he is the one who cheated and broke up your family.

It isn’t your life anymore. I’m sorry. But you’re clinging on to something that doesn’t exist. You’ll feel much better about everything if you cut ties and move on with your own life. Focus on you. Not her.

I’m very sorry the sad thing has happened to you. Based on the language which you are using, e.g., “trying to replace me”, It sounds like you still feel like you are locked in a struggle and possibly hoping this other lady will vanish. For your own sake, I hope that you can move on and build a happier life for yourself and work through to some closure soon.

I can think of a relationship I personally know of, where there was an “other woman” and that person seemed to want to step in to take over a ready-made life and did so. There is a lot of unfair demonizing of the ex-wife going on there as the new wife struggles to justify it and not feel guilty about it. But if it’s any consolation, I know that this new wife and husband have a lot of bitter fights And they’re not particularly happy. Not much of a surprise, given that it wasn’t a relationship built on good beginnings (Wherever you go, there, you are.)

It sounds like your husband is not who he seemed to be. He played a stupid game, and has probably won a stupid prize. Meanwhile, as hard as it is, you and your son can move on to better things and away from what is a very unhealthy dynamic and a person who didn’t live up to expectations. I hope you can maintain an independent and positive relationship with your former in-laws. It sounds like they still have affection and respect for you.

"They had an affair, and she is actively trying to replace me- I wasnt allowed to go to FIL’ 75th birthday party because she was going she doesn’t think it’s my place now as she is ExH’s partner "

I think she is right, you are not married to your exH anymore. If you still have a good relationship with your exFIL just visit them any other day.

I understand how hurtful is to be cheated and have to see the OW living your life but you should move on, stop trying to control what they do with their family, look after yourself and your son and appreciate exH girlfriend is trying to make something nice for you and your son.

Sorry to be blunt but He is your exFIL not FIL and is not your life anymore. You can have a better life!

I am still married, he doesn’t want to get a divorce, I have suggested we should consider it and he doesn’t see the need.

as for her, she is absolutely not trying to do something nice for me, she is trying to rub my nose in it.

I couldn’t care less what the two of them do together, however my FIL and others have been a massive part of my life for over 20 years, that is a long time - to just say aww well it’s her life now not mine is very hard!

Op I get you. I have a brother in law in a similar situation to you. He’s been part of the family for 25 years and very close to PIL. They also saw him as a son. It’s very hard. You have my sympathies.

You can choose how you react to the gifts. Are you sure they're sent with malice? You don't state what they were. My MIL is the master of P/A gift giving, e.g. sending size 18 underwear when I'm a 4/6.
The thing that jumped out was you thinking twenty years of being involved with the inlaws makes them your family. Sadly, it doesn't work that way. Evenif theree was no new partner, it would be weird for you to be invited to his family events. I know I wouldn't be and we've been married thirty years.

I don't know you but from your comments I think you should start therapy, heal and move on.

You don't need his permission to divorce. Contact a solicitor and they will explain to you how to do it. Some give free 30 min.

Also your exH family is not your family, it does not matter how long you were together. If you still care about them and them about you you could meet another day but I think they have sided with their son, this was your exFIL birthday, he chose who was invited. ExH is their son so they will always invite their son's partner whoever it is.

You have been through a tough time and it must be truly awful to see the OW living your life now. It must be doubly tough this year with it being your DM's birthday. But you shouldn't declare that you won't be celebrating Mother's Day. I would think that all of your son's friends will be celebrating their mothers and buying them gifts and cards and your son will want to do the same. You don't say how old he is but not sure if old enough to get a card and present himself but kids do want to do that, so don't make it awkward by not graciously accepting whatever he brings you. It's hard but you need to be the bigger person here.

Also if you genuinely believe that she knows your interfering upsets her and is doing it to be unkind and get a kick out of it, then the best thing you can do is the opposite of what you are doing now, and don't give her the reaction you think she wants.

She might be doing it to be unkind but they are both stuck between a rock and hard place with occasions like mother's day or your birthday as they will look bad if they don't bother doing anything and bad if they do.

Of course you wouldn't be invited to your ex FIL birthday party. You and his son split two years ago. I agree with PP saying you need therapy to move on. In laws are always going to side with their own, however badly they've behaved.

This. As painful and awful as it is, and I wouldn’t wish this situation on anyone, this is how it is. Sometimes we have to let things go in order to heal, trying to hold on to things just prolongs the suffering in the end. No need to cut ties with family just take a step back from some things, it’s a kind thing to do for yourself in the end. It’s a grieving process, trying to get through it by trying to change the inevitable and try to live in the past can be harmful. You do this for you, not for them.

I think you have to go along with it for your son. Put a big smile on and accept the presents even if you get rid of them another time when he has forgotten.

Oh I see from your op that you do that. That’s all you can do op.

I think that if OP isn't family enough to be invited to fil's birthday celebration, then she isn't family enough to help him with his broken boiler! Next time, direct him to ow!

I hope that everyone who thinks in-laws aren't family and that OP should quietly disappear, remind other posters that in laws are not real family at Christmas and Mother's Day etc, when women all over MN are being pressured to do the Christmas shopping and host and prioritise in-laws above their own wishes!

OP, bin anything that you feel isn't really from your son and that neither of you have any emotional attachment to.

And see a solicitor - whether your h wants a divorce or not is immaterial. You need to find out what benefits you financially (and emotionally) and go with that. For ex, is your home joint tenancy? Because that means he automatically inherits it if you die. What about pensions? You need to get it all sorted because you cannot rely on him to do right by you in the future.

I'd contact her directly and ask her not to purchase gifts with your son for you.

Advise her it is not her place to do so, and that yer intentions, as with all her conduct so far, are not good. Tell her you will always be polite for the sake of your children but that she has over stepped and she should focus on her relationship with her partner as the children are not her responsibility.

Advise your ex that is it is inappropriate for her to be doing this and that you want a divorce, you don't give a hoot about what he seems as necessary and you no longer wish to be married to someone with such little respect for his vows, his wife and mostly his role as father.

File for divorce. Separate financially and get something in writing about child care particularly your child with SEN.

Your feelings - totally normal and totally understandable. But unfortunately, rightly or wrongly it is what it is and people will often take the easy way out - accepting this woman into their family may not be what they want but they will have little choice with your ex being their son.

And finally

You've got this.