Mother's Day sadness

[mum2twoDs]

So, back story my own DM passed when I was very young, today - Mother's Day is also her birthday- a very sad time for me - especially after my 20 year relationship with my ExH broke down 2 years ago (he had an affair now lives with OW) and I very much feel alone in the world.

Despite repeated requests not to allow his new GF to be involved in gifts for me from our DS (SEN) as I feel she does this to rub my nose in things rather than out of kindness, and despite being told I didn't want to celebrate Mother's Day this year, he allows the GF to take my DS shopping and purchase gifts - DS proudly announced GF insisted he get me something- poor DS obvs doesn't get why I am upset but I have also tried to be as gracious and welcoming of the gift as I can- but it is a very clear reminder that I am on my own as a parent - think Mum and child on their own item-

She knows her interfering upsets me- he must have told her it was my DM's birthday- why are some people just so cruel

I would ask your son to return the gift as you can't accept anything from her and tell him not to accept anything from her again.

Your husband is a loser.

You should definitely get a divorce. I wonder why he is not keen on a divorce?

it might be hard but it is true, you can try and hold onto it but will it help you?

OP I really sympathise with you. I was with my exh for many years and one of the hardest parts of the split was letting go of his family. Especially his mother as we were very close. No affair or anything but still it was horrible watching his new partner being integrated into the family I once had. Time will allow you to move on though and you won't feel like this forever I promise. You do need to move on though as at the end of the day they are his family and not yours now.

As for the gifts I'd perhaps just go along with it for the sake of your son as he seems to like it. Smile, nod and move forward 💐.

I wasnt allowed to go to FIL’ 75th birthday party because she was going she doesn’t think it’s my place now as she is ExH’s partner - this has been the case with a number of family events, for a family i have been a part of for 20 years

OP, quite gently, it's not your place now. They may have been your family, but first and foremost they are your ex-husbands family. I am divorced and wouldn't be expected to be invited to any family events whatsoever.

I would ask your son to return the gift as you can't accept anything from her and tell him not to accept anything from her again.

I think this is awful advice and will hurt her son more than it would hurt anything else. You've got to try and move past the anger and see it as a gesture from your child. Does it really matter if it was her or the ex-husband who took the DC shopping? Not in the scheme of things. It feels like very misplaced anger.

I would never even discuss my feelings on the gifts with my DS he is only young - primary school age- I smiled and said thank you and then got my hug which I told him was my favourite bit.

Thank you for all the responses- perhaps I am needing to realise that along with losing my husband I lose what has been my extended family for such a long time.

There is no doubt in my mind that the OW is being cruel, however I recognise that she will be thriving on my upset.

Now to find a way to not let either of them know I’m upset…..

adulting is not fun

She is probably not trying to deliberately hurt you, but try and ingratiate herself to your DC by demonstrating. "look how lovely I am buying your mum a present for mother's day. I know I trashed your childhood and made your mum very upset, but I'm a nice person really".

I think you need to take back control and divorce him. It seems you have little control here and are trapped in the misery they cause you.

Tell him you want a divorce. That he has to step up and pay, and help with the DC as you are getting your life back.

Also, whilst you are at it, tell him that both he and his skank are bottom feeding pond scum.

There is no doubt in my mind that the OW is being cruel, however I recognise that she will be thriving on my upset.

There is that OP. If you do think she is poking you on purpose, don't give her the pleasure. As annoying as it is, I would just try to forget it and move on.

I’m not entirely sure why you think the OW cares about you at all?!

YOU care, but I don’t suppose she cares about you one bit!

I wouldn't tell her to stop - if she's doing it on purpose she'll just get a kick out of upsetting you further. You need to hide what you really feel from both her and your ex.
If you could accept the gift in the spirit of what your son intended, that would be best. If it means nothing to him, then just bin it.

Sorry people are being downright rude to you, OP.

For what it's worth, someone in my family has maintained relationships with the in laws in this situation, so you're not unreasonable to have hoped this may have been the case for you.

I agree with many of the PP.

You can still have a relationship with his family but that will be separate to him and OW's. You can visit and chat and do things with them and your son. But I wouldn't expect to go to events where they will be present, nor would you probably want to. And she will be there.

Just conduct your life with yourself and your son away from them. Don't request or not request any gifts, involvement or anything. If you cut them off aside from any necessary contact about your son you will feel better for it.

As for the divorce, he can not want it all he likes. Tell him you are filing for it, and it will be happening.

Adulting isn’t fun at all 🙁 I’m glad you’ve taken on board what most have said. I feel like him not wanting a divorce is somewhat controlling but you don’t need his permission- you can do it yourself. I’ve no doubt his family love you but ultimately the new woman is the one who will go to the celebrations now. You need to move on and live your life now. Good i look pick OP although somehow I feel you’ve got this!

I am still married, he doesn’t want to get a divorce, I have suggested we should consider it and he doesn’t see the need.

It's really concerning that you would accept this, @mum2twoDs.

It doesn't matter what he thinks. You can't want to remain married to this creep? So take some advice on starting divorce proceedings.

I assume he is delaying as it will impact him financially. Take control of your life, and the OW's behaviour will likely bother you less.

But why haven't you started divorce? Is it because you still want to be part of the wider family, FIL etc?

Op I grew up with a mother who kept saying 'he won't 'let' us / doesn't 'want' us to divorce - she just got more and more bitter watching my dad move on and be happy with another woman (now his wife as after many years he did divorce when it suited him

You are sounding passive and weak as though whether or not you divorce has nothing to do with you - take control! Move on and get therepay - and no, you are no longer the partner so sadly you dont go to the family events - I absolutely get the feeling of heartbreak but that is part of relationshionship breakdown.

Have you thought how hard it is for your son to not be allowed to celebrate mothers day? as other children do?

I think you might see that even if the woman is a bitch she may be trying to help your son celebrate

your mum is gone and that's a devastating loss - but your son has you! let him celebrate, take ownership of the day and give him the chance to enjoy it.

by the way - re. family events - I think sorry but it's natural he takes a current partner - but if you do really care about the familly, you can keep your own relationship with them - why would you want to attend a family event at his side? If he has moved on and living with someone else.

Perhaps time to stop being the helpful wife on call for his family. If you love them and want to stay in touch do so on your own terms.

What a strange and nasty post. You OW?

It’s not nasty , I think the OP should just stop obsessing, my view is that if the OW cared about the OP then she wouldn’t have been the OW in the first place? The OP said she think the OW purposely does stuff and I really bet she doesn’t. I bet she barely thinks about her at all.

im just trying to reframe it for the OP so she can see that her energy would be better used for her recovery and this obsession isn’t helping.

I wasn’t being nasty at all. In fact, the opoosite.

OP, I’m sure you know what passive aggression is. It’s when someone does something horrible to you, then feigns innocence or misunderstanding. It seems unlikely to me that this OW “isn’t thinking about you at all” tbh. She was thinking about you enough to buy a Mother’s Day present. A rather cruel one in fact. Giving someone a thoughtless present can certainly be passive aggression. In fact, someone dismissing your clearly hurting post on a discussion/help forum as “obsessing” seems to fit that bill, too. It’s certainly not “the opposite of nasty.” Moving on and away from your horrible Ex and his trashy OW is a sound thing to do, but you certainly didn’t need to hear those other cruel comments.

You will always be connected to your former in-laws through your son, because they are his grandparents. Even though you won’t be attending family functions anymore, I imagine they will always be glad to see you in other situations where you and your son encounter them, such a visitation handover or whatever. However, please don’t be at their beck and call and fix their boiler. You are not a slave to the family of someone who has treated you so poorly. I think if this happens again, you should politely decline and simply tell them that in the circumstances you don’t feel comfortable helping out with such things anymore But that surely, if they get in touch with his son and his new girlfriend, one of them can sort it.

Good luck.

The hell the OW doesn't think about the op! What business of hers was it who came to a birthday party when she'd know the FIL two years and the op knew him 20.
You are not being unreasonable to be upset op and well done for not showing your son this.
She'll trip herself up eventually, she's insecure as she knows karma is coming for her.

She's not being kind, she's being a bitch. Who the hell does she think she is? I had this with ex-h's OW. She used to send cards to our home telling my SEN DS how much she loved him and being all sickly sweet, it was purely to wind me up. The fact she was abusive to him to his face while doing this makes it all the more sickening. I totally understand your hurt and I'd ask your ex not to bother in future and organise something lovely on the day yourself. Also, if you want to go to events, go. It never stopped me!

Because like it or now, the OW is the family not, the OP.

@Youcannotbeseriousreally

OP is living the life and knows what gone on. You don't, so what you think is irrelevant anyway, but to put your point across like you did was nothing but nasty.

My mum kept ties with my dads family when they divorced, she loved them and they were our family. Everyone was grown up about it and she still gets invited to cousins weddings etc. it helps that dad is no longer with OW . But it's not as simple as forget them . It was very important to me as a child when everything else changed because of divorce (dad buggering off with 28 year old)

You can think that if you like , you’ve obviously got some issues of your own if you read my post in that way. But I can tell you from experience that acting like the OP is , is making her life so so much harder than it needs to be.

giving herself space and focusing on herself is a much better use of her time.

I had already posted higher up the thread too, but all the OP seems to care about is the OW. That isn’t healthy or conducive to moving on. Also, the OP seems to want everyone else to still behave like she is married, that’s not going to happen and yes it’s sad to not have that family in your life anymore but trying to continue to insert yourself is only going to be more damaging in the longer term.