I think my little boy is being pushed out :-(

[Diamondhalo]

What the title says really .. my ex moved on a year after we got divorced.. I divorced him because he was literally never at home always working, or said he was working when really he was out with mates and lying to me. I don’t think he cheated or anything but looking back it was obvious he didn’t want to be at home with me , didn’t see it at the time, and we never did anything together in all the years we were a couple apart from the odd weekend away. After our little boy was born he didn’t change then I had enough and we got divorced. He was single for a bit then he met the woman he’s with now and he’s changed so much he literally worships her and does everything for her and they’re always going on holiday and out for dinner and so on.. I’ve got a few mutual friends who tell me this and it’s plastered all over Facebook aswell..
anyway they had two kids very close together in age and since the first one was born my little boy has been left out I feel , they go on holiday a few times a year and sometimes they ask him then sometimes they go just the 4 of them and my ex misses contact and my little boy feels upset that he’s not included
also since the first baby was born his dad reduced contact from 2 nights a week to just 1
and my son always tells me every time he’s there they do activities aimed at the two toddlers which are boring for his age and he is going to lose his bedroom there too because dad’s girlfriend doesn’t think it’s fair her two kids share when my son doesn’t live there .. I don’t think this is fair I think the two toddlers should share and my son keep his space but can I say this to my ex ? Can i confront my ex on any of this ?
I feel like their 2 toddlers are living the family life that my little boy didn’t ever get and it makes me feel awful also I think his girlfriend is having the family life I never got cos he never really wanted it with me this was one of the things he said to me when our marriage ended :-( they will get married next and im already dreading people telling me and seeing it all on Facebook
please everyone tell me what your thoughts are ?
Also what’s peoples thoughts on this why do some men spend years with one woman , then marry them , then either leave or it turns out to be a lie ? Exact Same thing happened to my best friend they had their dream wedding then when it came to talking about having kids he left her and now he is married to a woman who already had kids and has had another with her?
Sorry for long post

aswell I didn’t say this in the first post but my little boy always seems sad when he comes back from his dads and he said dads girlfriend is moody with him and will hug and kiss her kids and say she loves them and just ignore my son . And apparently she will go shopping and buy her kids something like an outfit or a toy and my little boy never gets anything but I think it’s mean to do this Infront of him :-(
he will ask his dad to play with him or whatever and dad says he can’t cos he is busy with the little ones

Very sad to read this. If your relationship with your ex is amicable, maybe you can explain how your son feels? Also it is important not to project your own feelings to your son

I'd try and talk to dad let him know how ds is feeling. Tbh I'd suggest cutting out the overnights if he is going to loose his room though. I'd definately not want him sleeping on the sofa or similar. Sadly dad will probably agree to this and ds will o ly see him rarely but at least he won't have to out upbwith the visible favouritism so often.

How old is your boy?

This is sad to read.
Reduce contact maybe if its making your son unhappy?

Block on social media and your mates to stop telling you. It's not helpful.

Maybe your ex has grown up, maybe it's all an act with his new family, who knows. You may never know. When one moves on and one doesn't (or not with someone else at least) you're bound to have these feelings, it's natural.

Time to focus on you and your son.

I’m sorry I didn’t even say it my first post he’s 7

Thanks I’ve been thinking of saying something for a while but don’t know how to word it without causing an argument or me getting too emotional , I never say bad things to my little boy about his dad even though it’s so hard not to

I said to my friend I might stop the overnights and my she said if I do then I need to ask my ex for more maintenance but I don’t want to go down this road.
I asked my little boy where he would be sleeping if he loses his bedroom and he is going to sleep in the oldest toddlers bedroom as it’s the bigger room and dads girfriend doesn’t want him on a bunk bed cos he’s so little so god knows what my son will sleep on

Sorry aswell I posted this on step parents because I want other step parents or people in my situation to give an opinion, is this what happens when the dad moves on and starts a family again is it common for their child from first marriage to be left out ?

I don't think you can unilaterally stop over nights because your son has to share with his little brother.

I think a lot of what your feeling is hurt from your exes partner seemingly getting a better version of your ex than you did. Please try not to let this cloud your sons relationship with his dad and little brothers.

A lot of what is happening isn't unreasonable and I'd try explaining why to your son to help him understand. For example, you must buy outfits/toys for your DS and you don't get something for these other two kids do you? No. When their Mum goes shopping she buys stuff for them (because that's her job) and not for DS (because that's your job). Similarly, he must have holidays or days out with you and do you invite these other children? No. In the same way they will have days out and holidays that he doesn't go to. The room one is much harder but it does make sense as the toddlers get bigger for them to have their own rooms and not share 7 days a week because your son is there one day a week. Your DS has two rooms, these kids have half a room each. That's not really fair is it?

At the same time I'd talk to your ex about his DS is feeling. He should carve out time to spend with DS, be a bit more sensitive about activities and purchases when DS is around.

It's a difficult situation all round. All you can do is each try and see the others point of view.

This sums the situation up perfectly. Yes it's sad that the little boy doesn't have the same family unit as the 2 toddlers but that's life. That's just what happens when people split up.

The girlfriend has no obligation to your son, however dad should definitely be making time for him since he only sees him once a week. Having 2 toddlers must be a lot so I don't think you can blame the GF for focusing on them. Dad should however take his DS out to do something more age appropriate while the GF deals with her kids.

I think it would be worth having a chat with the ex and letting him know how his son is feeling. But you need to take your feelings about your ex's new relationship out of it.

My DH was with his ex for 12 years and never wanted to marry her. He told me he wanted to marry me after 2 months, proposed after 16 months and we were married 8 months later.

It's not that you did anything wrong it's just that you weren't the one. Maybe the relationship was good and there was no obvious reason to leave so he stayed, got married and had a kid because that's what is expected in a LTR. But ultimately there was something missing. No one's fault although that can be hard to accept.

I was married previously and at the time thought he was the one. We divorced because he cheated. When I met my DH he absolutely blew me away. Every previous relationship felt like nothing. This was proper fairytale love and I'd never felt anything like it or been so sure about someone. I knew I was going to marry him after 2 dates.

You need to stop cutting yourself up about why your marriage didn't work. Stop comparing yourself to the new GF and ask your friends to stop passing on stories from social media.

One day you're going to meet someone who you'll have amazing chemistry with and you'll he asking yourself why you ever gave this ex a second thought.

I’m inclined to agree here if I’m honest. It must be really hard but if you actually think about it, why would two boys share a room when another room is empty 6 nights a week? I’m sure if roles were reversed you’d make similar decisions too.

imo your job here is to reassure your son that it’s normal to feel a bit of out it but it doesn’t mean he isn’t important to his dad or his brothers and I’m sure it will get easier as they are older.

don’t let your sadness take over and absolutely don’t start trying to dictate how they live - that will not go well.

Those 'mutual friends' who kept telling you about his wonderful new life are not your friends. Dump them, block them. Stop looking at social media. 2 toddlers will put a strain on any relationship, social media is bollocks and nothing on there is real.
Ultimately I think your son will end up not wanting to go to his dad's if he is not taking his needs into consideration and his partner is being cold.
If he's paying the bare legal minimum maintenance I absolutely would be asking for a review given the reduction in overnights.

I think you are framing this all wrong and it’s making things worse.

You've posted in stepparenting because you seem focused on your DS’s stepmother (and your own feelings of sadness and regret that your ex didn’t want a family life with you).

But your ex is who you should be focusing on. He’s a father of 3 and he needs to make sure he spends time with and meets the needs of all his children. If your DS feels pushed out, his father is responsible for that. He has agency. He makes choices.

Ask yourself why you are framing things as his partner’s fault rather than his.

It’s also worth considering how your feelings about being a single mum and not getting the life you wanted might be colouring your DS’s feelings.

How amicable are you with your ex? Do you think he'd be open to a conversation?
Whilst it's a bit mean to give the toddlers gifts or whatever in front of your DS, it should be his dad buying him things, not the girlfriend.
I also wouldn't make a fuss too much about sharing a room because it's inevitable that as the toddlers get older they'll need their own rooms, especially as they are there 7 days a week. It would be silly to keep a room for your son that sits empty 6 nights out of 7. I would want to know what he's going to be sleeping on though!
At the end of the day, your DS feels sad and his dad doesn't sound like he's making enough of an effort with him. I'd have a chat if you can.

Chat to his dad. I understand their point about the rooms if DS is only there once a week. It might be good for his dad to have 1-1 time with him . What sort of relationship does the dad want with him?
Does he want him every other weekend and one night a week and half school holidays or does he want to just have occasional contact. If the latter he doesn’t need overnight contact .

They don’t sound like they see him as a proper member of their family and that is wrong .

A random thought, are you absolutely certain the relationship between your ex and his gf is truly as perfect as it appears? It could be a classic case of desperately showing the good moments on social media while everything is crumbling behind the scenes. It's not outside the realm of possibility that she'd doing it deliberately for YOU to see or hear about from mutuals. A typical tactic of the current GF towards the ex partner.

The fact that they're planning to get married means nothing about the state of their relationship. They share two kids so marriage is the logical next step. Also, wedding planning is a massive project that tends to distract from day to day problems. Here are some of the things I see reading behind the lines:

1. Your marriage broke down because he was barely home and didn't enjoy the drudgery of a baby and toddler. Extremely common amongst men. This probably happens in 80% of all marriages after a baby. 50% end in divorce and the rest pull through because the woman just sucks it up and does everything alone.

2. He moved on very quickly and had two babies with another woman. I'm willing to bet at least 1 of them was unplanned. This is usually the case with very close age gaps.

3. Going on holiday with two toddlers sounds like absolute hell. I cannot imagine any of those trips are genuinely fun and relaxing for either of them. This is not the "happy family" setup you imagine. It's a shitshow that ends with everyone screaming at each other.

4. The reason he reduced contact to 1 day and wants to switch rooms is that he's overwhelmed with juggling the day to day bullshit in his current life. To repeat, having two toddlers is not the "happy family" stage. His GF is probably overwhelmed and angry all the time. He's probably thinking of leaving every day.

5. Men do not go from being a lazy dick to a perfect father. He behaves exactly the same way to her as with you. She simply raised both babies/toddlers alone because she's desperate to have her happy ending photos for social media.

6. We never know what goes on behind closed doors. People always overestimate the level of happiness and perfection in other relationships/families when in reality, everyone is human and deals with the same ups and downs.

None of this has anything to do with your son. You've created a calm and happy environment for him 6 days a week. You try to ensure he has a relationship with his father but you can't control all of that. It might drop away at some point but that often happens with blended families. Your job is to continue being there for your son and accept you can't force his step-family to include him in everything. Chances are high that they have enough problems of their own to deal with right now and you don't want your son getting caught in the middle of that.

Or the new partner is just living her life and not giving the op a second thought? Strange take and don't think it's helpful to the op to plant more negative seeds. It's the fathers issue, not the woman hes marrying

I don’t see how encouraging this OP to focus more on the new partner and the quality of her relationship with the OP’s ex could possibly be helpful.

It would be much better to work towards becoming entirely indifferent to that relationship or what’s going on with them. For the OP and her son.

It simply doesn’t matter whether they’re really happy or not.

I’m also baffled as to why the OP should focus on creating a negative narrative in the ex’s partner. This poster is clearly in a similar situation and uses this as her defence mechanism but it is not healthy, at all!

maybe their life is just nice and why on earth is that a bad thing? Why do you care so much about their relationship? You have to move on!

I’ve been stalked on socials by the ex and her friends but I don’t lie about life. We’ve told her many times ( when she complains about what is there) that her friends are doing her no favours by reporting back. Stop all that nonsense immediately.

What on earth have I just read...

OP I can see how all of this feels awful to you, especially as it's so soon after your ex saying he didn't want X,Y and Z with you and not behaving in the same way as a partner and father. I don't blame you for taking it personally.

However, some of this is reasonable/normal - days out/holidays with and without your DS, switching rooms around. Your best bet is trying to look at it from the other point of view and then you can try and help DS to understand that eg. he will still have a room, it will just be shared, he still does fun things with his dad but they just have to include the little ones too...

However, your ex definitely sounds like he needs to put more effort with your son. If he was spending quality time with him your son may not be finding all the other bits so hard. Don't focus on ex's new partner as it's not her issue and tbh for all you know he could be leaving all the parenting of the younger 2 to her anyway, just as he did to you.

As PP has said, if you're relationship with ex is fairly amicable - or even if not tbh - I'd send a message just letting him know how DS is feeling. Without any blame/tone attached, I'd send something like "Hey, DS has been chatting to me tonight and he's feeling a bit sad that he doesn't get much time playing with you. I think he's feeling a bit left out as obvs things are busy with your 2 little ones. Just a heads up, if you can try and carve out some time just for him when he's over I think he'd really love it".

This is all you really can do, just advocate for him and then it's up to his dad to act on it, and hopefully he will.

I know!

I think this poster has created this narrative as a coping mechanism to deal with the fact that her ex seems happy without her and is advising the OP to do the same.

I think it would be far healthier for the OP and her son to build an independent life of her own so that she doesn't need to sit around making things up about her exes relationship.

I think this is, sadly, fairly common. Men move on to a second relationship and the kids get a very different experience of parenting than the children from the first relationship.

I think it is worth a try talking to your ex. Maybe approach from the perspective of “little Johnny has been upset about a few things and I thought you might want to know”. Then see where it goes. However I think you also need to accept that your power to do anything about how his dad and partner treat him is minimal. Might’ve best to focus on continuing to give him as happy and stable a home with you as possible. Maybe put extra effort into doing things with your family/his cousins/his friends, so he has deep connections with others. Essentially if his dad is a bit of a shit parent to him then it is unlikely to change. I suspect he will choose to stop staying there before long.