I think my little boy is being pushed out :-(

[Diamondhalo]

What the title says really .. my ex moved on a year after we got divorced.. I divorced him because he was literally never at home always working, or said he was working when really he was out with mates and lying to me. I don’t think he cheated or anything but looking back it was obvious he didn’t want to be at home with me , didn’t see it at the time, and we never did anything together in all the years we were a couple apart from the odd weekend away. After our little boy was born he didn’t change then I had enough and we got divorced. He was single for a bit then he met the woman he’s with now and he’s changed so much he literally worships her and does everything for her and they’re always going on holiday and out for dinner and so on.. I’ve got a few mutual friends who tell me this and it’s plastered all over Facebook aswell..
anyway they had two kids very close together in age and since the first one was born my little boy has been left out I feel , they go on holiday a few times a year and sometimes they ask him then sometimes they go just the 4 of them and my ex misses contact and my little boy feels upset that he’s not included
also since the first baby was born his dad reduced contact from 2 nights a week to just 1
and my son always tells me every time he’s there they do activities aimed at the two toddlers which are boring for his age and he is going to lose his bedroom there too because dad’s girlfriend doesn’t think it’s fair her two kids share when my son doesn’t live there .. I don’t think this is fair I think the two toddlers should share and my son keep his space but can I say this to my ex ? Can i confront my ex on any of this ?
I feel like their 2 toddlers are living the family life that my little boy didn’t ever get and it makes me feel awful also I think his girlfriend is having the family life I never got cos he never really wanted it with me this was one of the things he said to me when our marriage ended :-( they will get married next and im already dreading people telling me and seeing it all on Facebook
please everyone tell me what your thoughts are ?
Also what’s peoples thoughts on this why do some men spend years with one woman , then marry them , then either leave or it turns out to be a lie ? Exact Same thing happened to my best friend they had their dream wedding then when it came to talking about having kids he left her and now he is married to a woman who already had kids and has had another with her?
Sorry for long post

Please separate your feelings about your ex and his new set-up from the relationship between your son and his dad.

The thing that jumped out to me was that he barely sees him and when he does it's always with the GF and toddlers. So perhaps a good place to start is to ask ex about 1;1 time for him and DS.

It doesn't have to be the whole day but it should be meaningful and focus on what DS wants to do - football in the park, lunch out together, museum, cinema, even gaming together with no interruptions.

Without this, it's no wonder you son feels alienated from the household. Keep the chat calm and factual.

Sorry you're having such a shit time, OP.
Park everything apart from halving contact with your son. I'm all for a SM being allowed a bit of space when she's just given birth but to permanently cut contact is really poor. No wonder the poor boy feels cut out.
Everything else would not feel like such an issue if the contact hadn't been cut IMO, so start there.
I agree with PP about taking to your DS about the reality of his family relationship and framing things positively.
He's not "losing his room" any more than his younger siblings are "not being given one". He will be sharing his room one night a week, versus the siblings sharing seven nights a week.
My DSD has her own room and our sons together share but this makes sense as different gender, larger age gap and she's here about 60/40 in mum's favour so this is the most sensible allocation of space in our home. In your ex's shoes I'd be doing the same thing. Why should they pay for an empty room while their children share?
Hard to say about the GF giving her children things and leaving out your son. At face value that's shitty but I don't always trust the word of young children after my DSD repeatedly landed me on hot water with her mum. She's older now and we are friends again 😁 but at the time I refused to be alone in a room with her in case I breathed wrong and DH got angry tirades from his ex about it later on. Oddly this behaviour coincided with the arrival of DS1.
Lots to unpick for you, but contact is the thing to address with your ex, and maybe mention DS feelings on things. Anything else will just make them defensive. You can't tell them how to run their home, when they can go on holiday, that new GF should be buying your DS stuff or hiding the dirty secret of providing for her own children in a way that won't become a battle.

Hard to say about the GF giving her children things and leaving out your son. At face value that's shitty but I don't always trust the word of young children after my DSD repeatedly landed me on hot water with her mum.

Have to agree with @Bananasandtoast.

It isn't clear how old the eldest of the two toddlers is, but my DD was able to show people including other children the new stuff she got that week even if it was 5 days later, from aged 2. So the gf could quite easily have bought the stuff on Monday and the older toddler would still be showing it off the next Saturday.

My DD was also able to squabble with SC at 16 months.

There's a lot to unpick here.

Firstly, tell mutual 'friends' you don't want to be informed of your ExH and his DP life. Let them know how unhelpful this is for your wellbeing. If you're looking at their social media, which it sounds like you are, then give your head a wobble and stop. Their relationship is nothing to do with you. It is only adding to your unhappiness and negative feelings towards them, which will end up impacting on your DS.

You say your DS gets asked sometimes to go on holiday, other times he doesn't. This is perfectly normal in a blended family. Especially if ExH DP is financing this, or you're not allowing DS to be taken out of school during term time. You and ExH need to set an expectation for DS that he won't be included in everything, that's just a fact of life. You could ask ExH when he will be making up that contact. Sadly, if he doesn't, you can't force him.

Reducing contact to so little isn't in DS best interest, especially given his age. You could speak with ExH and frame it as DS wanting more 1:1 time with dad, as well as additional time outside the 1 day a week. Could he go for dinner? Dad take him to an activity after school? Stay over a full weekend rather than just 1 night?

The activities for toddlers is difficult to get around. Perhaps suggest to ExH that DS would like to do a certain activity with dad on their next stay? Don't mention this to DS, to avoid disappointment. The activities may be booked and paid for by ExH DP. It doesn't make it OK that she isn't considering DS, but it's up to ExH to prioritise and provide for his son, not the new DP.

You can't dictate the set up in their house based on what you deem is fair. The 2 toddlers are living there 100% of the time. DS is there once a week. You haven't had a conversation with ExH about this, and we all know a 7 year old can get the wrong end of the stick. In my eyes, you're taking what DS said as gospel and have got upset over a potential non issue. Maybe the 2 toddlers will share the night DS is there? This would still give DS their own room when they are present.

ExH DP likely buys her kids things the other 6 days a week. She probably cuddles and kisses them and tells them how much she loves them the other 6 days a week. Should she start treating them differently 1 day a week because DS is present? If she is only doing these things when DS is present, then it's cruel. If this is normal behaviour for her, why should she become a different person because DS is there? She can be more tactful about it, but you're only hearing things from a 7 year olds perspective.

Your post, while heartbreaking that your DS feels this way (although I am also sensing your emotions around this are effecting him too), comes across as bitter and jealous if I'm being blunt. Who cares why ExH is treating DP differently than he treated you? Who cares how soon after divorce he moved on and had more kids?

The only thing you should care about here is DS. You need to have a conversation with ExH and not frame it as how awful him and his DP are and how unfair you perceive things to be, but instead that DS is upset and you want to understand the actual situation.

Edited my previous post as pressed post too soon!

I have a male friend who did similar. He was useless to be honest, and the ex was deluded. Your OP could be written about them.

So, they met, they got married, had a kid. He never wanted to marry her. We could all see it. But they'd been together a few years, moved in, she was pressuring, he took the path of least resistance and got married. She banged on and on about starting a family, you could see he didn't want one. Not enough to stop shagging her, the idiot, so voila, out popped the child. He stayed late at the office, made excuses not to be at home etc. Finally divorce. He's now with someone he loves, a child he wanted, and so dotes upon both of them. He's not a changed man. He was too spineless and lazy not to let things snowball with someone he never really wanted to be with.

The ex is at home fuming, at the (new) wife living "the life that should have been mine.". But sorry, ex, that's not the case. That life was never yours. The ex tells a great story of how in love they were (they weren't) how they had so wanted their little family (again, no that was just her) and endless tales of the love of her life, how could he do this? And we all look on, thinking, he wasn't the love of your life, he was literally hiding from you, whilst you lied to everyone and yourself that you had a lovely marriage. And deep down she knows it, but it's easier to deflect it all on to him being a shit, rather than say, "actually I chose to keep a child with someone who honestly didn't want one with me and now the child suffers the consequences of that." She thought a child would make him want to stay around, that's why she was so keen to have one. She's kept him in her life that way even now, I guess she's "achieved" that.

All her venom is at the wife. Stealing her life. OP to get closure, you need to understand this was your fantasy in your head, not the life you were ever going to lead. You and this man would never have had this.

I know that's hard to read, but it's true, and it's how you get over this x

Truly depressing how many people can justify a father seeing his child one day per week, not do activities with him and sometimes take him on holiday

I haven't seen any posters saying that they think this is acceptable.

oh op this broke my heart. Your ex sounds like a shit. Firstly try and tell him how he is making his son feel… if he is losing his bedroom there, I’d stop the overnight stays tbh; that will be a horrible experience for him! And I would make it clear to ex that you will not allow your son to experience that. Also don’t let your son know how you feel about this - be with him if he is sad and talk to him about how he feels as much as you can, be his best friend, but don’t let him know how worried you are for him as this might stress him more. If your ex doesn’t step up I would be reducing contact to prevent your son from being hurt and traumatised by this horrible exclusion. If you are on good terms with ex could you do fun things together the three of you? That way your son would have time with his dad but in a setting where he is the priority.. that would be something I’d consider. Best of luck xxxx

Is mother taking DS on holiday and to activities regularly, or is just the father expected to do that? Op hasn't replied to anyone to make it clear whether she also provides these things, just initially stated how unfair it is that father doesn't plan his entire life, and his partner and 2 other children's lives, around DS. OP also unfairly expects dad's partner to plan things around DS. This isn't her responsibility to do!

Not a single person has said its OK that he only sees his child once a week.

It's truly depressing that people, male or female, aren't allowed to seperate and live a different life than 1 someone else expects of them. It's truly depressing that a new partner and future children are expected to go without to ensure that the first family are catered for 100% of the time.

As I said in my comment; you can't be included in everything in life and sometimes will miss out.

We don't know the full situation here, just a scewed perspective of someone who feels themselves and their child are being treated unfairly based on their unhappy feelings following a failed relationship and a 7 year olds perception. I'm sure we can all agree, neither of those things are going to give a 100% accurate account of the situation.

This may be true but I strongly don’t like the line you’ve written about the ex ‘choosing to keep a child with someone who didn’t want one’!!! He shouldn’t have had sex with his ex then should he - your post heaps blame on his ex but imo it is HIM that is at fault and it took two to tango and now whilst @Diamondhalo is continuing to be a great parent, the other person is not taking any responsibility!!

I agree with some of what you've written in this comment and your previous 1. However, we don't know the full situation to say anyone is great or anyone is shit.

Perhaps ExH has tried everything with OP to maintain a great relationship and been prevented from doing so. Perhaps ExH is a shit parent. Perhaps OP has been a nightmare towards ExH and his DP. Perhaps they've been a nightmare towards her. Perhaps ExH DP put her foot down and said she wasn't continuing to do all the childcare. Perhaps OP found out ExH DP was very involved and didn't like this, and tried to harm that relationship. Perhaps ExH was abusive. Perhaps OP was abusive.

There are too many 'what ifs' from the post and a real lack of accountability to step up and advocate for her DS. These are not 1 off incidents based on what OP has written. OP, based on their post, has made no attempts to confirm or challenge any of what a child has told her. It fits with the narrative described throughout the post, which is someone that is aggrieved following a relationship breakdown, and so OP has let it go on and on.

My DP's EX looked like mother of the century from the outside and he looked like a deadbeat dad who didn't want to be near his kids. The truth of the matter, and I've witnessed it myself as well as been told by her own family and the kids, is that she never did anything with the kids and was strictly limiting his time with the kids in order to claim more CM. To the point she lied to CMS saying he had 1 day a week even when he did finally manage to have them 50/50. The kids never had new clothes, shoes, school uniform, days out, proper meals, holidays, activities etc unless DP paid on top of CM for them all without her contributing. They didn't even get Christmas presents 1 year because he refused to pay for all the expensive gadgets she wanted to gift from just her, and she binned and sold the gifts from him to make it look like he never bought them anything!

Not everything is black and white. Not every mother is an angel, and not every father is the devil.

That's why I said "chose to keep" and not "conceive."

Yeah it takes two to tango. It takes one to choose whether that pregnancy becomes a child to raise for 18yrs.

The ex takes no accountability that he didn't want to raise a child with her. She just went, oh, we've conceived so we're having the baby. And seems to think it's solely his problem that she chose to keep the baby he clearly didn't want. When do these women get held accountable for their part? Don't make that choice then try and make out it's all his fault he's not there every day for the child. She knew he wouldn't be. But went ahead anyway, and now complains that she's got the exact hand she knew she was being dealt.

Good for her being a good parent. She bloody should be. She kept a child she wanted. I don't see why she should be commended for raising her own child that the father didn't want from day one...that's exactly what she knew she would have to do, and still chose to keep the child.

It is depressing tht so amny peple justify leaving the children from the first relationship out of so much of their parents lives. The parents are entitled to a new life, new family, new DCs and new holidays etc - none of that need truly involve the old children.

That is the over riding message coming out of so many posts on here.

Glasscasd - if you read my posts - you would see I have been very measured in saying the OP nees to separate her issues.

At the end of the day it is not her job to compensate for his DF and replace the things he misses with his DF because he can not be arsed - scary that you are actually advicating a parent walks away does minimum and the RP does everything.

OPs child has as much right to a relationship with his Dad as his half siblings have, just a shame so many peope on here seem to think he should suck it up because the new famiy rule and have rights that he does noe.

So many dads in this situation treat their children like guests rather than a family member.
And then wonder why they stop coming over as they get older.

Ugh I really felt this. My situation isn't the same but I feel all of this.

My ex was a liar and told me again and again be wanted to raise children with me but then left me when I was pregnant for his ex. I had him on social media but blocked him after he put a picture of them kissing on the day of one of the scans. Even if I try and avoid photos of their relationship he seems to find a way to flaunt it to me (updating his WhatsApp photo days after I gave birth). I tried to maintain contact for my son to have a relationship but again and again it seems his relationship with his now fiance is more important than the son he begged me for.

It's so hard to know what the right thing to do/say to my child when he's older but it hurts how my ex treated me and my son and I feel sad for both of us.

That said these people posting that he obviously is happier and a better partner/father now - they are probably better suited but usually it's true people don't change just their new partner tolerates different things. I thought my ex was much better with this new woman/doing all the things I wanted and it made me sad, but his sister recently told me he's exactly the same (I.e. no help in the house, sponging off her etc) but she's fine with that. Seem like there are a lot of 2nd wives on here getting defensive.

It is right what the other posters said that you have to separate your feelings about the relationship and your child's relationship with their father, but I really feel you as often they feel intertwined. We have to protect the feelings of our children first and foremost and so have to suppress of remove our own feelings in these situations.

@uneffingbelievable blended families don't work by involving everyone 100% of the time. It just isn't possible. No one should be intentionally left out, I agree.

This DC has 2 parents, who are both responsible for providing for them equally. However, if 1 parent doesn't does that mean the DC should miss out just to make a point and for 1 parent to appear better than the other? No! Whichever parent is providing needs to step up in that situation and do the right thing, especially when it's a 7 year old involved!! It doesn't excuse a parents shit behaviour, but to intentionally not allow your child the same opportunities because you want to point score is disgusting!!

Why should ExH DP focus her and her children's lives around DS? She shouldn't. It's only women this is ever expected of. If she chooses to treat her children differently, so be it. It's on ExH to care for his own child.

No family comes above the other. The children should come before the adults, it's that simple. It's awful that any children are being played off against each other. I hope OP isn't pushing her views on DS that these half siblings have so much more and they matter more over trivial issues like a bedroom, or a hug from someone who isn't their parent.

Can you explain that your son seems consistently sad on return from a night with dad. Ask that he has time 1:1 with your son each week, if he doesn’t already do so.

At the end of the day this is all about how a 7 year old child is being treated by his dad.

So, you have a baby with someone that you married but never really loved or wanted to start a family with. You don’t form a bond with that baby only to push them away a few years later when they are a child who absolutely loves you and believes that you love them too. That is cruel and damaging and no decent person would do that.

@Diamondhalo I absolutely understand your concern for your son. The only thing that you can do is to go into damage control. Find a way to minimise damage. Make sure that your ds knows that he is loved and valued by you and that he doesn’t deserve to be treated as if he were inconsequential by anyone.

Put it in writing what you want to say to his dad about how he is treating his son. Discuss the best way forward for the best interests of your child. Do not be distracted by side issues. Focus on what your son needs and how he (just like all other children) deserves to be treated.

Listen to your son and advocate for him. But remember that you can’t entirely prevent him from being hurt.

I have a little boy and honestly this breaks my heart to read. Don't have any advice as my son's dad doesn't even have a gf yet but I can definitely imagine a similar situation happening. Your little boy is so lucky to have you, hope you can sort this out with his dad

Hiya everyone
ive finally had time to sit down and read everyone’s comments properly and can reply to you all.
I appreciate absolutely everyone of you who’s taken the time to talk to me on here and for your different points of view.
I really do need to separate my feelings about their relationship from my son yes I do feel hurt and a bit jealous that he seems to be a better partner and dad for her and their kids but there’s nothing I can do about that.
I am going to send a text to my ex at some point today before he comes to pick my son up later. I’m going to draft it first but I’m just going to say that he feels a bit sad that they don’t get to do things 1-1 anymore and I also want to say how he does feel left out of the family.
as for the bedroom situation I don’t feel like I can comment on that because their sleeping arrangements aren’t my business BUT when the bedroom swap does happen I do want to know what he will be sleeping on if they’re not allowed bunk beds.

as for dads girlfriend it’s tricky for me … it’s not nice my son coming home and saying she is moody with him and that she ignores him and puts all her attention on the toddlers..I know obviously she will love her own kids more than anyone but I honestly don’t think she likes my son or wants him there..I can’t explain it but it’s just a gut feeling. She never not once since her first baby was born has helped out with my little boy even though she would do if my ex was busy on the weekend or going out. I know I can’t expect this of her but my son always says she’s moody towards him and ignores him which makes me think that she’s in a mood cos he’s there?
again I’m just going off what my 7 year old is telling me..I really want to say something to my ex about her as well and the way our son is feeling about it but god Knows how i word it ?

As for the holiday thing, I try my best to take him away once a year but it’s never abroad I can’t afford stuff like with me having a low income. We usually do a caravan with my friends and their kids or with my side of the family
so I’m comparison to what my sons siblings get like going on a plane once a year sometimes twice plus caravan holidays too it makes me so sad for him I can’t even describe it :-(
also when it’s happened in the past and they he not taken my son my ex has just said a few months in advance that he won’t be having him on a certain date as they’re going away so he’s missed contact and one time it actually went over 2 weekend so he missed two overnights !

Sorry I didn’t word it very well on this about the girlfriend but I meant to say before her first baby was born she would help out sometimes If I had a random night out planned and ex was busy or at work, she would look after my little boy till his dad got home so I could go out or do overtime. This happened a handful of times also if my ex has something planned like once it his mates stag do, and it fell on a Saturday when my son was meant to sleep over , she said he could still go and she’d have a movie night with him. None of that happens now if my ex is busy or has to work a night shift then my little boy simply can’t go as she says no now..it makes me feel like now she’s got her own children that my son just gets in her way

Do you understand that by ever having DS as a favour to you before she was doing being unusually nice and accommodating? She sounds like a decent person who went above and beyond for her DP’s ex, never mind her DP and she can’t any longer now she has her own very young ones to care for.

Would you rather she’d never been your ad hoc babysitter now she can’t cover your nights out or overtime?

Can you not do caravans/ camping abroad instead of the UK, so you get these experiences with your DS? We were a larger than average sized family growing up. We squeezed us all in to a 5 seater car and went on ferries to Europe. We camped all over the place and experienced a far better holiday than if we were all inclusive and stuck in a hotel. I say that from experience, having never gone on a plane or did all inclusive until I was nearly 14. I've been on a plane maybe 5 times in my life (much older than 14 now 🤣) and all inclusive twice. I don't remember our first holiday on a plane and all inclusive, but remember all the camping holidays!

It is terrible that your ExH just expects you to pick up the pieces when he decides to bugger off with his DP and their kids, and your son doesn't get to go. Costs may dictate this (possibly free child places for under 2/3s, cheaper during term time etc). Again, no excuse, but the lack of contact could also be driving this. ExH should be making that contact time up though, it's in DS best interest.

I regards to ExH DP, it sounds like she initially was trying to do the right thing (or what she thought was) and it backfired. I have been there myself, and it can cause a lot of misdirected resentment. Suddenly ExW was dropping the kids on me as and when suited, DP was working extra hours so I was having to do all parental tasks (but never allowed to actually parent them!) and I was left with little of myself remaining. There was a lot more to it, in my case, but it did cause me to resent having the kids around. Everything grated on me and I'm sure the kids felt it before I lost it with DP and laid down the law. Totally misdirected resentment, it was the adults causing the issue. Nothing excuses ExH DP if she is purposefully being horrible to your child, nothing! However, it sounds like she's been put on 1 too many times and has now straightened out her priorities, which is her own children. For all you know, ExH could be leaving it all to her when at home and your DS is there. I've been there, and it's soul destroying to be given the crumbs while everyone else gets the cookie and you're expected to be grateful for it.

As the DP, I don't think it can ever come across the right way if you say anything. Especially the examples you've given and because you haven't witnessed anything yourself. You don't know what's going on with her health or behind closed doors. Perhaps extending an olive branch would be better? See if she wants to take all the kids to the park; just you, her and them. It may have gone too far in her eyes for even that (the same county is too close for me and ExW after her behaviour/ treatment of us all!) but it does give her a chance to perhaps reconnect on some level with DS, without any responsibility solely being placed on her. Whilst DS may come to see her as a SM in future, she shouldn't have any parental role for him whilst he has 2 'involved' parents in his life (I say involved, it doesn't sound like ExH is as involved as he should be!).

It's a shit situation all round when families blend and are finding their way, and to the outside world things can look great but be like living in darkness.

I'd speak with your ExH and say that DS wants to spend more time with him and express how crucial this is for his development. Explain that he needs 1:1 time, but that he also desperately wants to be involved in time with the family too. Ask if arrangements can be changed to start accommodating a dinner/ activity 1 night after school and a full weekend, maybe EOW. Make it clear to ExH that, if he misses contact days, he needs to pick these up elsewhere but ideally factor DS in to plans on his days. Ask how DS is at his house; does he interact with siblings/DP and do they interact with him? How does he choose to spend that time? Any behaviour challenges (upset/ act out/ high or low energy/ self isolates/ too rough with siblings etc)? What is the usual routine when at ExH house? Remove all emotion from it, and don't make it seem like an interrogation. You can even use examples that you've found in your own house (e.g. 'DS has become difficult at bedtime and often tries to stay awake for longer by going to the toilet every 5 minutes. He used to be so great at settling for the night. Have you found he does this at your house? I'm just wondering how you've dealt with it, as I'm at a loss').

Things may not changed, but you can at least say you've tried.