I think my little boy is being pushed out :-(

[Diamondhalo]

What the title says really .. my ex moved on a year after we got divorced.. I divorced him because he was literally never at home always working, or said he was working when really he was out with mates and lying to me. I don’t think he cheated or anything but looking back it was obvious he didn’t want to be at home with me , didn’t see it at the time, and we never did anything together in all the years we were a couple apart from the odd weekend away. After our little boy was born he didn’t change then I had enough and we got divorced. He was single for a bit then he met the woman he’s with now and he’s changed so much he literally worships her and does everything for her and they’re always going on holiday and out for dinner and so on.. I’ve got a few mutual friends who tell me this and it’s plastered all over Facebook aswell..
anyway they had two kids very close together in age and since the first one was born my little boy has been left out I feel , they go on holiday a few times a year and sometimes they ask him then sometimes they go just the 4 of them and my ex misses contact and my little boy feels upset that he’s not included
also since the first baby was born his dad reduced contact from 2 nights a week to just 1
and my son always tells me every time he’s there they do activities aimed at the two toddlers which are boring for his age and he is going to lose his bedroom there too because dad’s girlfriend doesn’t think it’s fair her two kids share when my son doesn’t live there .. I don’t think this is fair I think the two toddlers should share and my son keep his space but can I say this to my ex ? Can i confront my ex on any of this ?
I feel like their 2 toddlers are living the family life that my little boy didn’t ever get and it makes me feel awful also I think his girlfriend is having the family life I never got cos he never really wanted it with me this was one of the things he said to me when our marriage ended :-( they will get married next and im already dreading people telling me and seeing it all on Facebook
please everyone tell me what your thoughts are ?
Also what’s peoples thoughts on this why do some men spend years with one woman , then marry them , then either leave or it turns out to be a lie ? Exact Same thing happened to my best friend they had their dream wedding then when it came to talking about having kids he left her and now he is married to a woman who already had kids and has had another with her?
Sorry for long post

I know I shouldn’t expect anything of her.. I know times have changes and now she has two very young kids I get that.. I just hate the thought of him now being a nuisance or being in her way type thing. And from my sons point of view it’s like she doesn’t want to bother with him anymore but I guess all I can do is try and make him understand from a 7 year olds point of view that she has two young kids that need a lot of looking after and she can’t do the same things with him

His Dad is the one who needs to step up. Cuddle him, spend time with him, chat with him, treat him. If he’s not getting much time or attention there this is due to his dad. So ask the question about 1:1 time.

It’s possible your ex doesn’t realise how toddler focused everything has become. It’s possible he’s just an idiot. But either way, it’s worth raising.

You know you shouldn't expect anything of her....but yet you do.

She no longer provides you free babysitting if you fancy a night out. And you think that's because she finds your child a nuisance?? It's because she had the time and now she doesn't. Her children come before your social life. Well before.

The more you update, the more it sounds like you and your own unreasonable feelings/expectations are the problem. You shouldn't expect your child to come first. He is one of three children in that household, not the priority child.

She sounds like a good person?? While Dad should be taking parental reponsibility for his child, she has stood back, and I bet encouraged her husband reduce his contact in half so he see his child 52 Days a year.

Also, while again shes misapproriating blame, she deserves a life. Having your child 99% of the time means she never gets a break. Never ever get's to have a night's out. Every Parent deserves a break and yet she actively a main part in having a family with a man who basically abandons his kids and puts the whole workload on her.

Your ex's relationship with his partner - you really need to let that go, and take as little interest as possible.

But, this:

dad reduced contact from 2 nights a week to just 1

The dad is beyond awful for doing this, and I can see why you are hurt on your son's behalf at how he is being treated by him and his partner. He's 7. He's not stupid and he can see that things have changed in how they treat him.

Encourage the dad to have 1-1 time with DS, but other than that I think you'll just have to wait it out until your DS decides he no longer wants to go there. In the meantime you make sure he is never in any doubt about how much his mum loves him.

Hi OP!!
Completely understand how you and your son are feeling! Your son was me growing up! As I got older I started to step back more and more and doing things my way!!! my mam moved us over to Wales from England when I was 3 and when it was happening to me I stopped saying over my dad's and stayed with my grandparents, there was alot of arguments over this as it went on for years! They were all doing all these nice things and going on lavish holidays and then when I came over there was nothing.. not even taken out, I'm his only child so it really upsetting to me. I'm 26 now and last year I stayed over for a night for the first ever time in donkey years! but as time got on he realised about it and also my stepmum became alot nicer as they did split up for just over a year. But I am now alot closer to my stepmum than my dad🫣🤣

The way your son is feeling comes first! I was lucky that my mam fighted every corner I was put into until things eventually changed.. which I am so thankful for but as your little boy grows up he will see and understand every decision you make ❤️❤️ love and hugs to you both ❤️

I'd also like to add that I am in a long term relationship and he has a stepson.. that I love very much and will be loved the same way to our kids (when the time comes to have kids) ❤️ he's apart of who my partner is 💓

Sorry what?

The child has been there 2 nights a week. Is still there one night a week (if this is from Saturday morning to Sunday evening, that's two days) and this is Dad having him 1% of the time?

Ok.

Why do you "bet" she reduced the contact? OP continually used the wife as a free babysitter when the dad was working, and OP wanted a night out, and now thinks it's unfair that this woman won't prioritise OPs nights on the town over looking after her own children, even having the audacity to try and pass this off as "well, she must find my poor little sweetheart a nuisance if she won't babysit for my nights out." The wife did all that babysitting voluntarily. But OP, grateful? No. Now complaining how her child who's at the house one night a week should have their own room, whilst the children there every night should share a room, leaving her son's vacant for 6 out of nights. And she genuinely thinks she's entitled to that for her child. It's ludicrous.

Beggars belief, the first wives club. Actual beggars belief.

Yes. Seeing him One Night a week and spending no one on one time with him is basically 1%. In my eyes, It's basically a nicer way of being a deadbeat. This way the Dad can say 'Look, I'm involved with my kids', while not acutally being involved with his kids much at all.

Considering that fact that the contact was halfed as soon as the baby was born, I think it's a reasonable assumption and even if this isn't the case, she has certainley given it her approval if it has been going on for this long. In my opinion, staying with a partner who emotional rejects the child is contributing is cowardly. She is a willing participant in this.

Currently, this women has to literally 99% of the work. All OP does is make sure his child is physically safe, while literally planning everything else around his new kids. I agree that his new wife shouldn't be babysitting the kid. However, you supporting the reduction in custody because of this preposterous. Why should must the child be victim of this? What should have happened is she should have said no to babysitting. That's literally all that needed to happen. Reducing custody is taking it out on a innocent kid.

I completly understand the need for sharing a room. My Stepkids and BioKids share a room but look at the pattern. This child has already seen his time with his dad cut in half. He then gets contact time cut even more when they decided to go on Holiday (which he rarely gets). Everytime he sees his Dad it's about his new kids and he has to see them get new toys and gifts everytime hes there.

If the kids share a room he needs a proper bed. Not a Pullout bed that's made for a guest. He also needs an area for his toys and such. However, considering all the other stuff that has gone on, he won't be sharing a room. It'll be his brother room, decorated how his brother wants with all his brother's toy all over it, while all OP's kids get is a pullout bed and nothing else. It'll be like a guest room for him.

Finally, I am second wife. I have both Stepkids and Biokids. I just have a diffrent opinion because I don't want to emotionally damage my kids in to adulthood and I don't have permanent victim complex. Stepparenting is hard a people are allowed to vent, that being said there is a diffrence between venting and damn right hating a child and the fact your partner had a life before you.

If they have this kid just under two days, let's call it 1.75 days, then they have him 25% of the time.

Bearing in mind for the other 5.25 days (75%) of the week, he's in full time education for most of the time he's awake.

Yet, "in your eyes" OP does 99%

Well, if that's your understanding of maths, there's not much any of us can do about that.

You're being obtuse.

He has them 1 day a week. The fact that you're trying to get it up to 1.75 is ridiculous. Do you not know how pathetic that sounds? No good parent needs to try round up and inflate their contact time with their kid to make them look look better.

Also, he has missed several contact days with them as he swans off holiday while OP's son gets fuck all but yet more feelings of heartbreak and abandonment.

Also interesting how you chose to ignore the rest of my comment. Rather insult my maths try and make your case in why think OP is horrible and that this situation is completly normal. Maybe it's indefensable...

Side Note: If we take your ridiculous statement that he's there 1.75 Days then he would be 21% of the time. So OP has him 80% of the time. You round down not up...

She's probably absolutely shattered if she's looking after 2 toddlers all day whereas before she would have had more energy. Before she had her kids she would have been able to pick an age appropriate movie for him or do an age appropriate activity. The situation is different now. She's now knackered and expected to supervise 2 toddlers while also keeping a 7yo, who won't be interested in what the toddlers are watching or doing, occupied. This is where his dad should be stepping in which he obviously isn't. I think you need to give the gf a break.

He has them one night.

He has to have them two days whether that be part days or full. Unless you think he would be collected in his pyjamas, put to bed, and delivered back when he woke.

Two full days is 28.5%. Which I knocked down to 25%. Because he probably comes part way through one day, then is back to mums part way through the second.

I don't know why you think you round down not up in every instance? Bizarre. Your maths is quite, quite wrong.

Also, why are you inventing that anyone has said OP is horrible? She's unreasonable, and self admits, jealous.

(ps: side note: 1.75 days is 25%. The calculation is 1.75/7. Unsure how you've managed to total 21% but perhaps check your calcs before you make an error like that)

You should comment on the bedroom situation. Not that he is losing the bedroom. That is unfortunate, but it happens and is their decision. Your son needs a proper bed and a space of his own. Whatever bedroom he is assigned to, he needs a real bed and his own space. He shouldn’t have to do overnights without one.

I would send the message just asking what they are doing so you can talk up the new situation to your son. His new bed and dresser. A spot for his toys. Being able to describe the plan will help him feel better about the change. Just assume dad is not being an asshole and giving the kid an air mattress when you ask him to describe the setup so you can reassure your son.

It is totally normal for him and her to go on holiday with their two toddlers, perhaps explain this to your son if he's feeling left out. It sounds like he wouldn't particularly enjoy it anyway from what he's saying about being around two toddlers when he goes over (totally understandable but this is a part of life)

We all learn over time the world doesn't revolve around us, often new babies coming into a family will be the time we experience this, at least he doesn't have to be around them all of the time as that would be full on so he's lucky there :)

Unfortunately I also agree with the mother of the toddlers, your son doesn't live in that home so him having a room isn't a necessity. Maybe support your son to understand these outcomes and see the other side.

Let go of how you feel about your ex or what anyone thinks of you, you need to move on and focus on yourself.

Wishing you the best of luck xx

The second family brigade are out in force on this one.

Justifying 1 night per week into 1.75, allowed to go on holiday overseas and not take his other child, give presents to kids infront of other child, no 1 on 1 time, no bed very soon, moody stepmum - who yes probably is tired but no need to let a child realise it.

Un bloody believable - I pity the step DCs in some of your families - the bitterness is palpable.

I'm happy to hear the comments have helped you a little, it sounds like you may be in a better place with youself now with it all.

One little thing, I'm not sure you should speak to your ex about his wife as she hasn't actually done anything wrong. I'd probably be moody too if I had two toddlers it's an incredibly hard time. I don't think mentioning what you said will be helpful? Maybe explain to your son how hard it is to have toddlers and most mums would be feeling exhausted/drained/moody and it's definitely not him. (Just reassure him even though your gut says otherwise) i know I'm not on form after weeks of no sleep lol

Wishing you the best you sound in a better place. Ps just block your ex and his wife on socials so you wont see anything about them. Xx

hiya
so I got a reply off his dad he said he wants to discuss it in person.. but when he came for our son earlier he said to him go find your swimming stuff me and you will
go swimming in the morning while the little ones have breakfast and get ready for the day and he looked so happy cos he loves swimming !

so while my son was upstairs getting his swimming bag ready I did say to him what’s the plan for the room swap that he’s mentioned ? My ex said yeah he will be going in the 2 year olds room as that’s the bigger room as the 1 year old is disturbing him and it’s a squash with toddler bed and a cot in there plus their toys.. so I said he will be sad to lose his space so is he going to have his own area of the bedroom and what’s he sleeping on? And he said he will have a toy box and a pull out bed !
I said I don’t want him sleeping on a pull out! Then he pulled his face and said don’t dictate to me who sleeps where there’s no point a bed being in there empty 6 nights a week taking up loads of space so he can go on a pull out chair then when the 2 year old is older they can have bunks!
am I wrong that a pull out bed is bad ?

I just think a pull out bed is insulting like he’s not a proper member of the family and they hide his bed away when he’s not there !

Why would having a bed there 6 nights when he's not to sleep in it make him 'more of a family member'? Genuine question, op

It makes logical sense for space and his siblings can't play on it etc in his absence

It makes it clear he is a guest. That is why.

But as long as when he is there he is loved and taken care of, the bed is just a 'thing'. A 7 year old won't think something being put away when he's not there (and they may and should do that only once he's gone) means he's not loved unless an adult attaches that meaning to it for him

What practically does loved and taken care of mean?
Does it mean considering his needs beyond being fed and kept safe? Children, like adults like to have a space to keep their possessions, keep their favourite toys and feel safe in. To wipe out all trace of his existence when he is not there is not fair. Presumably all his toys will go in the box out of sight. Because it is clearly not a shared toom. It is the other child's room that he sleeps in when he visits.

Don't get hung up on the bed. Your ex and his wife have made their decision on that.

Focus on your DS wanting 121 time with his dad. The fact he is taking him swimming is great. If you remind your ex that DS wants to spend quality time with dad, and be really enthusiastic when he arranges stuff like that, it might happen more. Also say how much DS liked it when you see ex the next time.

I know it's shit that I'm basically saying you have to encourage and reward/praise ex for spending time with his own son. It's a case of pick your battles.

Sleeping on a pull out bed sounds non-negotiable- he won't listen to you and it's not worth arguing about it.