I think my little boy is being pushed out :-(

[Diamondhalo]

What the title says really .. my ex moved on a year after we got divorced.. I divorced him because he was literally never at home always working, or said he was working when really he was out with mates and lying to me. I don’t think he cheated or anything but looking back it was obvious he didn’t want to be at home with me , didn’t see it at the time, and we never did anything together in all the years we were a couple apart from the odd weekend away. After our little boy was born he didn’t change then I had enough and we got divorced. He was single for a bit then he met the woman he’s with now and he’s changed so much he literally worships her and does everything for her and they’re always going on holiday and out for dinner and so on.. I’ve got a few mutual friends who tell me this and it’s plastered all over Facebook aswell..
anyway they had two kids very close together in age and since the first one was born my little boy has been left out I feel , they go on holiday a few times a year and sometimes they ask him then sometimes they go just the 4 of them and my ex misses contact and my little boy feels upset that he’s not included
also since the first baby was born his dad reduced contact from 2 nights a week to just 1
and my son always tells me every time he’s there they do activities aimed at the two toddlers which are boring for his age and he is going to lose his bedroom there too because dad’s girlfriend doesn’t think it’s fair her two kids share when my son doesn’t live there .. I don’t think this is fair I think the two toddlers should share and my son keep his space but can I say this to my ex ? Can i confront my ex on any of this ?
I feel like their 2 toddlers are living the family life that my little boy didn’t ever get and it makes me feel awful also I think his girlfriend is having the family life I never got cos he never really wanted it with me this was one of the things he said to me when our marriage ended :-( they will get married next and im already dreading people telling me and seeing it all on Facebook
please everyone tell me what your thoughts are ?
Also what’s peoples thoughts on this why do some men spend years with one woman , then marry them , then either leave or it turns out to be a lie ? Exact Same thing happened to my best friend they had their dream wedding then when it came to talking about having kids he left her and now he is married to a woman who already had kids and has had another with her?
Sorry for long post

Make sense for the kids to have their own rooms... as they live there full time

I think its just a good idea to tell the father that your so feels a bit lonely and isolated.

The feels pushed out due to bedrooms, toys and kisses/hugs.

Hopefully that will alert the father to spend more time when he is there for than one night.

I don't think you can't really demand about the room

As a stepmum to a 7 year old and with my own DD 14 months old I can only reiterate what others have said about the set up not sounding unreasonable. I also want to add that my SD7 often tells her mum she's upset about things being unfair at our home, for example she was extremely upset that we celebrated my little girl's milestone first steps at Christmas. She hadn't been left out at all, but we (rightly) were very excited about my DD hitting this milestone and were encouraging the baby to continue walking. SD had an epic meltdown which lasted hours. when we talked it through with her she said it wasn't fair that she didn't get the same attention. From her perspective she wanted equal celebration and excitement about her ability to walk. These are her words! Her mum and my husband have both spoken to her about this and it's a work in progress still.

We try very hard to be fair but it's super hard at this age - 7-9 year olds are generally irrational and emotional. We try our best to explain things and advocate for her feelings but we won't leave my DD out just to spare SD feelings.

We're also looking at changing the bedroom situation. The baby shares with us and SD has her own room for 2 nights a week. That's got to change and sadly the house isn't big enough for everyone to have their own room. It's a tough decision we know, but it's not because SD will be left out or loved any less. It's just life! I really hate that every decision a step mum makes has to be under this warped lens of unfairness to the SC. Sometimes it's simply life. Most of us are trying our best to balance what is usually a very tricky situation.

@Workingmammabear do you celebrate the SD milestones and achievements?

Workingmammabear - one day per week, not on overseas holidays and no appropriate activities are all acceptable in your mind.

Your bar is very very low.

The bedroom thing is difficult but try to see if from your DSDs point of view new sibline, being told you are not here enough to have a bed - where is she going by the way?

Seriously some of the standards on here are so ow they are embarrassing.

Your Ex sounds useless.

I think it's insensitive for SM to buy stuff fir her kids IN FRONT of your son. That's just mean. She had enough other tine to do that.

Reducing the time he sees your son, does sometimes happen in these situations. It could be because the SM doesn't like your son coming over and prefers it to just be their family unit.

A lot of stepmothers dread the stepchildren coming over. It interfers with their family set up.

The real problem here is your Ex, because he let's this happen. He doesn't care enough about your son and he's a crap dad to him.

Be probably isn't father of the year to his younger kids either.

I agree with the poster who said their life probably isn't as great as you think. Even if he's not happy, he's going to be broke paying child support for 3 kids. He will also not want people to think he's the common denominator in 2 failed relationships.

If his wife isn't happy, she knows that he'll probably get with another woman, who will resent her kids, the way she probably resents yours, just for existing and her not being able to have her own nuclear family, without the constant reminder of her husband's past.

This is a reason that many SMs I've spoken with don't leave the relationship.

Continue to provide stability for your son. If your son expresses not wanting to sleep over at dad's house, don't go down the road of asking for more child support.

I'd bet if you told your ex that DS didn’t want to sleep over anymore, he wouldn't care. It would make his life easier.

I think you're looking for ways to be difficult, he spends 4 nights per month there and you expect a room
and bed to be kept for him?
You seem very difficult.

I wonder if the whole contact arrangement can be set up better. If you say weekly contact and it has moved from two to one night per week, what exactly are the days and times DS is with exh? Sounds like he is or was spending most of his quality time with his dad? If dad also has two young DC I can well imagine that the weekends- ie quality time- are indeed spread a bit thin.

Is there possibility for a better split so you would get more quality time with DS at the weekend and then exh could focus more of DS during his time there?

I can understand the bedroom thing is annoying but it’s practical in the circumstances, it seems you are attaching a lot of emotion to the pull out aspect and it being removed when he isn’t there? Presumably DS has his own bedroom at your home most of the time, why is it you think the other children don’t ever deserve their own rooms?

Thats a good point. Your ds has a bedroom at your house plus his space at his father's. The 2 dc get a bedroom each and one shares for 1 night a week so your ds actually has more bedrooms than anyone else in the scenario...

I didn't have a bedroom when I went to stay at my dads house with my step mum and step brother/sister, I slept on a mafe up bed in the front room and is was totally fine.

I don't understand the expectation of a permanent bed/bedroom with storage at someone elses house.

Even when my step sister died, I didn't sleep in that bedroom. In face, there was about six months where I didn't go to the house as clearly my step mother was suffering considerably and it wouldn't have been positive for either of us. And I never felt pushed out or treated unfairly.

I think it's unreasonable to expect a bedroom in someone elses home, you are a guest when staying anywhere other than your family home, and that's a good thing.

I have the closest most beautiful relationship with my dad and step mum, I can't imagine being without her she's wonderful.....and I slept on a made-up bed in the front room.

Xx

I went through similar with my ex even down to the cutting down of contact I warned him he was pushing his kids away he didn't listen its been over 12 months since he saw one and almost 12 months since he saw the other he is still "living his best life" they put out public Facebook statuses when they do something like go on expensive holidays or buy a new car it's aimed at me but his son (teenage) takes the hit instead I tell him don't look vut he does then he gets angry then resigned then shrugs it off

Warn your ex if he listens great if not just continue to be a safe space for your son

@Westsussex you have said exactly what I am saying. You were treated like a guest, not as a family member.

That's not how I read it.
My 2 step sons slept in chair beds in the dinning room at one point.
We love them both very much and in fact see them more often than the others (all adults now)
They had their own rooms at their mums.
As long as they had fun when they came over they didn't care ....think they camped in the garden once ..

But I always was treated like family, if I had a family member over to our house tomorrow, they wouldn't have their own room. They would stay on a made up bed, it doesn't mean they don't feel treated like family. They are being fed, cared for and housed in my home. Being treated like family doesn't mean you get a room.

Many families have multiple children in different rooms, using front rooms as bedrooms and doing anything they need to, to get by.

It made no difference to me I never even gave it a second thought.

I've never been made to feel so welcome, I didn't need a permanent room or bed there to feel that way. The expectations need changing. X

Haha yes exactly, and they were lucky to have you loving and caring for them like you have! Step mums/dads and families are such a blessing. The love I've had from mine is incredible and honestly I'll never forgot how amaizng my step mum has been to me. She bought me my bouquet for my wedding recently. He only daughter passed away. I'll never replace her daughter but she was so so happy for me and I loved including her in all the planning and her love for me has been so very special. It makes me sad to hear people coming down on step parents it's complicated and most of us are doing our best and love our step children very much xx

@Westsussex you are talking about having family to stay in YOUR home. For the step children that should be their home as well. They should not be a guest.

But I was a step child, I didn't have my own bed or room, and it didn't even occur to me to be out out by that. I'm living proof it isn't a problem!

@Westsussex you were a step child to your step mum. You were a daughter to your dad,

As you keep arguing the guest point, what if the ds wanted his siblings to have a sleepover at his house when they are bigger, should the op give up her bedroom?

Why do you think the 2 children don't deserve a bedroom of their own, plus sharing once a week with their brother, when he has a room at his primary residence?

@Toadstool1985 I think there is no issue sharing with a step brother. But it should be a shared room properly.
A sleepover is just that. And OP is not a mother or father to those children and has no role at all in caring for them. It is not the same.

Yes exactly, and I never felt "pushed out" or "unloved" when with my dad because I didn't have my own room when staying with my dad. Again, I am proof children don't need their own room/bed and storage when staying with their dad. It never bothered me at all. That's life we all live in different ways and under different circumstances, I never felt less loved or less like family.

She's their siblings mother so there is a 'relationship' of sorts.

You didn't answer why one child should get a room and a half and 2 children should only get half a room ever?

It's good that they got to go swimming together.

I would say to focus on what you can control of possible. I understand that you're hurt, that you're son feels sad. That's natural as a mum.

Leave the bed situation to play out and see what your son says even that starts. Follow his lead. He may find the pull-out bed fun.. you never know.

I also think that if you move on yourself in terms of a relationship, you will not think about the life he lives with his GF.

He wasn't your person...someone else might be. If you don't want a relationship, that's also fine...but don't neglect your own needs and future. Kids grow up quickly and they need you less,as they become independent.

@Toadstool1985 the relationship is a paper one only. OP does not see the children or have any role in caring for them.
You want to make it "fair" by punishing a child because he has two homes? You can easily say why should he have a bed at his dads as he already has a bed at his mums? The child has two homes, he needs things at both those homes. I am sure he would much rather have one home with his mum and dad.

I think that's projecting considerably as we have no idea. It's not punishing him, it's the reality of having 2 places he has family, as @Westsussex illustrared perfectly... 1 primary, where he sleeps 6 nights a week, 1 once a week where he is still taken care of and shares with a sibling. No one punished. Just logical and practical, doesn't mean he's any less loved

And you've still not answered why the other 2 children don't deserve even 1 room in their home rather than half ever?

But this literally isn't true, he doesn't need a room in both homes. He lives with his mother, and visits his father. Exactly as I did, I didn't need a room at my fathers home, I was only there one night a week and then one every other when a little older. I didn't need or want a room there, I don't see how anyone can say otherwise as I lived that experience. It's unreasonable to expect your own room under those circumstances in most situations. If people like myself who did it are openly saying it wasn't an issue, then it isn't an issue.