I think my little boy is being pushed out :-(

[Diamondhalo]

What the title says really .. my ex moved on a year after we got divorced.. I divorced him because he was literally never at home always working, or said he was working when really he was out with mates and lying to me. I don’t think he cheated or anything but looking back it was obvious he didn’t want to be at home with me , didn’t see it at the time, and we never did anything together in all the years we were a couple apart from the odd weekend away. After our little boy was born he didn’t change then I had enough and we got divorced. He was single for a bit then he met the woman he’s with now and he’s changed so much he literally worships her and does everything for her and they’re always going on holiday and out for dinner and so on.. I’ve got a few mutual friends who tell me this and it’s plastered all over Facebook aswell..
anyway they had two kids very close together in age and since the first one was born my little boy has been left out I feel , they go on holiday a few times a year and sometimes they ask him then sometimes they go just the 4 of them and my ex misses contact and my little boy feels upset that he’s not included
also since the first baby was born his dad reduced contact from 2 nights a week to just 1
and my son always tells me every time he’s there they do activities aimed at the two toddlers which are boring for his age and he is going to lose his bedroom there too because dad’s girlfriend doesn’t think it’s fair her two kids share when my son doesn’t live there .. I don’t think this is fair I think the two toddlers should share and my son keep his space but can I say this to my ex ? Can i confront my ex on any of this ?
I feel like their 2 toddlers are living the family life that my little boy didn’t ever get and it makes me feel awful also I think his girlfriend is having the family life I never got cos he never really wanted it with me this was one of the things he said to me when our marriage ended :-( they will get married next and im already dreading people telling me and seeing it all on Facebook
please everyone tell me what your thoughts are ?
Also what’s peoples thoughts on this why do some men spend years with one woman , then marry them , then either leave or it turns out to be a lie ? Exact Same thing happened to my best friend they had their dream wedding then when it came to talking about having kids he left her and now he is married to a woman who already had kids and has had another with her?
Sorry for long post

You’re focusing far too much on your Exs relationship with his new partner. You and him didn’t work out however it seems to be working out for him and his new partner. It sucks for you but that’s just life.

I personally don’t think it’s unreasonable for the children who are in that home 24.7 to have their own rooms and your son share when he’s there so little.

You cannot control how they run their house and as long as their is no abuse or neglect happening you shouldn’t be telling them how to live their life

its not unacceptable for them to holiday without your son. As long as he is involved in some holidays it’s fine.

edited to add: it would be totally unacceptable to cut overnights. You would literally be damaging their relationship. It’s not the end of the world if you son has to sleep in one of this brothers rooms when he’s there.

5) Men do not go from being a lazy dick to a perfect father. He behaves exactly the same way to her as with you. She simply raised both babies/toddlers alone because she's desperate to have her happy ending photos for social media.

I really agree with this. You're only seeing the picture perfect image they want everyone to see. He's still the same man you divorced.

My friend divorced her DH then he went on to meet a much younger woman, had a baby with her - filled his social media with loved up pics, etc. they split a few years later because he was an abusive bastard to his new wife too. They rarely change.

@User2356542 or he's found the person he genuinely loves and wants to be with? He's now happy and they have a happy life. Such a wierd take on it. I think lots of projecting here which is not going to help the op.

A lot of projection here claiming people remain assholes or bad people their whole lives. People grow, change and learn from past experiences and relationships.

or they just simply find the person they are meant to be with and are a better fit with.

Why is everybody focusing on the poster's potential jealousy and not the fact that this dickhead has actively halved his time with his son. Choosing to see your son 48 days a year is disgraceful.

Also, I know people have diffrent views about stepkids going on holiday but going on Holiday on his scheduled custody time is a fucking disgrace. He sees him 48 Days a year, and he dosen't even get that. Imagine feeling how that poor boy feels as his Dad chooses his new family over him every chance he gets.

Genuinely insane that people on this thread point fingers at OP's jealousy rather than calling out how much of a shit father he his.

Give your little boy a hug from me, OP.

Because that's the only thing OP can actually do anything about.

Sadly she can't force her ex to be a better dad or spend more time with their son, all she can do is try to reframe her own mindset so she's better able to explain to/comfort her son, and suggest to her ex that their son needs more time.

In my experience this is "second marriage syndrome". I've seen it quite a bit and also been at the receiving end. Men are good at compartmentalising emotions. So, his first child was the product of a wife he didn't like (for want of better wording). Therefore the child is tainted with the same brush. He wants to forget about that "mistake" and drops, or at least minimises, contact with the child.

Women don't view their children in this light. They might be separated from an abusive monster, but the child from that union will not (usually) be marginalised or rejected.

I don't think it's about focusing on the OPs jealousy. Of course the ex sounds like a shit dad but OP can't really control that. She can't control the choices he makes, she can't control how the girlfriend behaves, she can control what she chooses to focus on, she can control how much she accesses the exes social media.

The post is about her son feeling left out which should be what the OP is focusing on and of course she is, but she's also focusing on her ex's new relationship and why he seems happier with her than he did with OP.

She needs to stop analysing the ex and GFs relationship and her marriage and focus on the real issue here. Ultimately though, there's not a whole lot she can do. It's up to the ex step up and be a better dad.

You can get beds with a pull out bed underneath. I understand how he'll feel marginalized but you can't expect to reserve a room for his use when he's there so rarely. On the holidays, he shouldn't be missing contact but also I presume he's going during school term time when it's much cheaper. It's a tough situation all round, I'm sorry.

Why is everybody focusing on the poster's potential jealousy and not the fact that this dickhead has actively halved his time with his son. Choosing to see your son 48 days a year is disgraceful.

Because focusing on the ex’s new partner is not helping the OP. Is it?

I think your ex just grew up. I do think it's unreasonable to leave a bedroom empty when your DS is only there once a week. He can share with his half brother. I'd speak to your exh about leaving your DS out of holidays though. That seems unfair especially if you don't take him on holiday. Otherwise could you take your DS on holiday same time his Dad takes his other DC?

I mean it's entirely possible to mention two things at once, and the entire post wasn't even about that?

I have no problem with anyone mentioning her jealousy but everyone here has ignored the emotional neglect of a child because she, rightly or wrongly, dared to criticise a stepmother/second wife.

I mean I think it totally normal for kids to share a bedroom. However, once you add this to his father hardly deciding to see him, and everything they do is centred around his new family kids when he is there and the fact they get to go on Holidays all the time while he doesn't, I think it fair to to ask questions about whether this is about practicality, or just adding to the long list of his dad putting his new family in front of him.

Also choosing to go on holiday because it's cheaper isn't a 'tough decision all round', he's actively deciding to see his son less than 48 days a year.

This is a sad thread.

But realistically what can OP do to change how the ex interacts with their child?

I would raise the issue about holidays & contract time by simply saying: oh, you are away on X days, would you like to see DC before/ after holidays?

Talk about being a visitor and where a visitor would sleep in your home... not ideal and only sticking a plaster over the cracks. But I think being positive and supportive is the only way forward.

As for outings being toddler friendly, it's shit, but understandable. Especially if dad does not organise these...

In the end, unless Dad steps up, nothing will change. DC will eventually see him for what he is and stop visiting.

The other two are under school age.

It is cheaper to take them on days out and on holiday when they aren't at school. Also it means they can do stuff that is just for toddlers.

Finally if the gf wants to spend her money on just her children and partner including going on holiday in term time then that up to her.

But she’s pinned it all on the new wife (who she’s jealous of) rather than the child’s father.

The bedroom decision is apparently all the wife’s doing. But the OP’s assumption there is classic blaming the woman for the failings of the man. He’s a father with agency.

Same with weekend activities or buying things. The SM is focusing on her children. It’s the ex’s fault if he’s not making sure his son’s needs are met.

The jealousy matters because it gives the OP a distorted view of the situation

OP - I think we can all feel your hurt, not just for yourself but your darling little boy.
Ignoring the SM - second family have to have a life brigade who are laying into you, you ahve every right to feel as you do and I think anyone but the ost pig headed will see you little boy is being squeezed out.

His DF is responsible for this but some of the actions of his DP contribute to this.
1 day per week is truly pathetic and to then not focus some things on him is despicable.
His DP buying toys and clothes for her two and giving them infront of him - is intentionally cruel She has 6 days per week to do this and to do it on the day he is there is plain nasty. Not saying she has to buy him something but doing it and giving infront of him is intentionally cruel. This is her childrens brother.

Sadly the bedroom makes sense in this family as they have intentionally excluded your son but he should have bit of his own space in his fathers home, even if that is a bed in the corner of one room

You are your childs advocate at 7 yrs old. I would have a word with your EX - mention the lack of 1:1 time and him feeing insecure about where he is going t sleep. More than that and you will come across as the bitter EX.

Hug your little boy and show him how mice people behave. They are o what you have said both being intentionally cruel. He will in a few years speak with his feet but at no point can you be seen to have blocked his relationship with his dickhead Dad.

As the EX you learn to bite your tongue so many times and pasting a smile on your face when your children tell you their bedroom is in the laundry room and the new DP likes putting the washing on when they go to bed 9 my expereince) - but honestly your boy will love you but do not criticise his Dad to him, he knows it and wil learnt he reality in his own time.

Sorry aswell I posted this on step parents because I want other step parents or people in my situation to give an opinion, is this what happens when the dad moves on and starts a family again is it common for their child from first marriage to be left out ?
My grandchild was in the same set up for years and it wasn't until their mum was able to let go of all her negativity that it stopped hurting. They stay over one night a month (dad didn't put up a fight for more) and if they can get out of going they do - 15 now so has a lot of say! They know mum loves them to bits as does the rest of her family and dad and 2nd family might have exotic holidays and flash cars but he's missing out on his first born growing up - his loss.

You're focusing on your ex's partner, it's his responsibility to ensure his son isn't feeling left out or ignored.
Your anger is misplaced.

A lot of what is happening makes it clear the son is only a guest and not part of the family.
It is why lots of kids stop going to their dads as they get older.

NuffSaidSam - please enlighten us as to why the hell the OP should understand the point of view of her EX who sees his son once per week and his partner who like to buy presents for her DCs and give them on the one day of the week another child is in the house.

This is calculated cruelty and abandonment of this poor boy.

I absolutely agree that the Dad needs to pull his finger out of he wants an ongoing relationship with his son.

It's not realistic to expect the other children to never have an outfit/toy/activity/holiday unless the OP's son is included though. They'll each have things from their mum's that the others won't. It's just the way of blended families.

Ok at this age Dad can certainly be looking to set aside Dad/boy time. Does your boy play for any sports clubs yet? Would be good if his Dad can take him to play at his local football/rugby/cricket club for much needed them time away from his new GF & young children.

I think the idea of him carving out some one on one time with his son is lovely. But this should be in addition to what he normally spends with his dad and step mum and brothers. One night a week is so little time already and his relationship with his younger brothers is important.

No one has said the younger children can not have presents new clothes without the OPs son being included. What is cruel is to give those presents in front of him, when this child is there on his one miserly day of the week.