I think my little boy is being pushed out :-(

[Diamondhalo]

What the title says really .. my ex moved on a year after we got divorced.. I divorced him because he was literally never at home always working, or said he was working when really he was out with mates and lying to me. I don’t think he cheated or anything but looking back it was obvious he didn’t want to be at home with me , didn’t see it at the time, and we never did anything together in all the years we were a couple apart from the odd weekend away. After our little boy was born he didn’t change then I had enough and we got divorced. He was single for a bit then he met the woman he’s with now and he’s changed so much he literally worships her and does everything for her and they’re always going on holiday and out for dinner and so on.. I’ve got a few mutual friends who tell me this and it’s plastered all over Facebook aswell..
anyway they had two kids very close together in age and since the first one was born my little boy has been left out I feel , they go on holiday a few times a year and sometimes they ask him then sometimes they go just the 4 of them and my ex misses contact and my little boy feels upset that he’s not included
also since the first baby was born his dad reduced contact from 2 nights a week to just 1
and my son always tells me every time he’s there they do activities aimed at the two toddlers which are boring for his age and he is going to lose his bedroom there too because dad’s girlfriend doesn’t think it’s fair her two kids share when my son doesn’t live there .. I don’t think this is fair I think the two toddlers should share and my son keep his space but can I say this to my ex ? Can i confront my ex on any of this ?
I feel like their 2 toddlers are living the family life that my little boy didn’t ever get and it makes me feel awful also I think his girlfriend is having the family life I never got cos he never really wanted it with me this was one of the things he said to me when our marriage ended :-( they will get married next and im already dreading people telling me and seeing it all on Facebook
please everyone tell me what your thoughts are ?
Also what’s peoples thoughts on this why do some men spend years with one woman , then marry them , then either leave or it turns out to be a lie ? Exact Same thing happened to my best friend they had their dream wedding then when it came to talking about having kids he left her and now he is married to a woman who already had kids and has had another with her?
Sorry for long post

It's sad that your little boy feels upset, but a lot of this isn't unreasonable and is unfortunately the outcome of having separated parents. Of course the two children there all week shouldn't have to share a room when there's another bedroom empty 6 nights a week.
I imagine you don't buy your son's step siblings clothes and toys every time you buy something for your son, so you can use that to explain to your son that while his feelings are valid, his step mum isn't being mean.
Maybe have a chat with your ex about him doing some activities with just your son occasionally, but it's hard when activities for your son's age won't be at all suitable activities for the younger children.

The usual consensus on here usually is the step parent knows they're marrying a man with a child already. Whether they go on to have more children or not, the step parent surely ought to treat their step child as their own? Especially given how young he would have been before siblings were here. Or is that opinion reserved for AIBU? If step mum is being moody and ignoring your DS that's really mean. So is taking his room and bed away and replacing it with a pull out bed. Is it not supposed to be his home too? As it is, contact has been reduced from 2 days to 1 which I think is awful for your son. Then he loses a proper bed. What a way to make a 7 year old feel welcome in his dad's home after 2 new half siblings come along. I fear as DS gets older he may stop bothering with his dad all together.

"I imagine you don't buy your son's step siblings clothes and toys every time you buy something for your son, so you can use that to explain to your son that while his feelings are valid, his step mum isn't being mean."

Sorry why the hell would OP buy her sons half siblngs clothes and presents. She ahs nothign to do with them. The SM does have something to do with this child and giving them toys as presents in front of him on the one day of the week he is there - -is calculated and mean.

Sharing a room with bunk beds has been nixed - why most kids find that exciting and would help him understand not having any room /space as his own has some plus points. i get the resident children having the rooms, but one of them sharing one day per week is no great hardship.

Seriously the standards of treating a child kindly are reaching an all time low o this forum.

@uneffingbelievable
she probably isn’t giving him toys and gifts in front of him - she’s probably buying her DC necessities but DSS can’t handle it because he’s used to everything being about him.

DSS needs to learn that his circumstances and his siblings’ are completely different…my DSD is on holiday with her mum at the moment and my DC have had to handle it in good grace, older siblings should learn to do the same (although the parents don’t help this by often refusing the acknowledge the different circumstances and insist everyone is treated equally when fair and equal are actually two different things).

How the hell is everything about DSS - he sees his family 1 day per week - hardly no 1 priority in their eyes.

The anti step child vitriol gets worse

If you genuinely can't see that this is what the mother is demanding, despite there being a whole family with equal needs at the house, then there's very little anyone can do to help you understand.

But there are two other children. Of course he's not no 1 priority.

Suggest you read my message -

1. I agree with the rooms but refusing even a bunk bed seems petty
2. She can buy her DCs presents whenever she wants maybe not give them to her DCs on the one day he is there - hardly a priority
3. Holidays - i do not get excluding one child, unless in term time and the others are all toddlers.
4. i think OP needs to separate the issues

The messaging that upsets this child comes from his DF in him accepting this. M

This family made it v clear he was less welcome when they dropped his time with them to 1 day per week. Irrelevant wht mum does in her time - this time is one day per week from 2. Any child would get that message, loud and clear. The second family get 313+days and nights to be "happy" perfect family every year.

@uneffingbelievable
i can’t remember the exact details but we don’t actually know why contact has been reduced (I thought it was just Sunday evening but I may be wrong).

OP hasn’t given reason why, it may be due to dad’s working pattern having changed. We can’t really pass comment/judgment without those details.

Again, we dont know what was given to DC and not DSC. It may have just been essentials like new socks, DSC may well get those things when DC doesn’t but a 7 year old isn’t going to recognise that. He needs to be taught to rationalise but he won’t be able to if a ‘poor me’ attitude is nurtured.

They all have different circumstances…both sets of kids lives have advantages and disadvantages. They need to learn to make the best of the hand they’ve been dealt just like everyone else.

"I imagine you don't buy your son's step siblings clothes and toys every time you buy something for your son, so you can use that to explain to your son that while his feelings are valid, his step mum isn't being mean."

but...are you saying that the two households are reciprocal? That the shared son’s relationship to his stepmother (who is currently married to his father) is the same as the relationship of his stepmothers kids to his mum? His mum and the stepmothers kids don’t form
a family in any sense at all! Isn’t the shared son part of the new family with the stepmother and his dad?

@uneffingbelievable

It is not difficult to understand that Mum does 86% of the caring and plannign for this child. How any one in their right mind, thinks Dad dropping his contact gives mum more quality time with her child for whom she does damn near everything is deluding themselves.

Thanks for this.

It amazes me that some people are trying to slate mum here and make dad out to be superdad. He's a useless as he always was quite frankly.

He does the bare minimum. Imagine, reducing the already minimal time you have with your child, because you have younger ones.

Equally, if you're with a man who reduces contact and are okay with that, it speaks volumes.

This is the kind of man who will feel hard done by in later life, when his son wants nothing to do with him.

@SandyY2K
We haven’t been told by disappearing OP why contact was cut…everyone is making assumptions