I can’t stand my DSC

[holywow]

I already know how this is going to go but i need to know how to unpick my feelings or change how I feel before it gets worse.
I will try not to harp on with myself but I just can’t bare my DSS any longer. He verging on probably the most irritating person I’ve ever met and I can’t work out how it’s come to this. It’s at the point where I am considering ending my marriage because I can’t bare to see him on a weekly basis any longer and I hate myself for feeling this way towards an 8 year old boy and worried about the damage that’s it’s going to do or already doing to him and the relationship between him and dh. The dread and anxiety that I feel as the weekend approaches is getting worse and worse. This started around the end of my pregnancy with my own DS (3yo) and has got gradually worse up till this point.

I’m so fed up of our home being chilled and calm during the week but then pandemonium every weekend when he arrives.
Im sick of the pity party for him off dh and his family.
Im sick of having to ask DSS mum permission every single time we want to book something like an abroad holiday or a few days break and then the arsing around choosing dates that she agrees to when I just simply want to book a holiday for my family and for my own ds to enjoy.
I hate hearing ‘daddy can I have can I have can I have’ all weekend.
I hate that I try my best to parent my 3 year old a certain way then all my hard work coming undone at the weekend when DSS arrives.
i hate that my 3 year old can’t play with his toys in peace instead of being teased and wound up by an older child who isn’t here during the week.
I can’t stand that every single Friday and Saturday night, without fail, we’re woken several times a night because DSS wants dh to get in his bed.
I resent how I want another baby so badly but they won’t get their own bedroom and will have to share with DS as DSS absolutely has to have his very own bedroom at our house even though he has his own bedroom at his mums.

I resent absolutely everything and I don’t know how to stop it. I never used to be like this before my own child was born!!

My stepkids would be horrified if I tried to claim that I was now their mum just cos I married their dad. As would their actual mum.

I couldn't love anyone who hated my children.

This thread makes me wonder if step parenting is a bit like adopting a child. Before you are allowed to adopt you have to do a course where they drum into you in no uncertain terms the reality that adoption is not the same as parenting your own child. Adoptive children are often difficult, scarred by past traumas and not everyone is up to the task of helping to rear them. Perhaps step parents should have to undergo similar training. A pp said she carries secret hatred for her adult sd. I can’t imagine having to socialise regularly with someone I actively hate and having to cover it up. At the very least there should be support groups for step parents where ugly emotions can be expressed, accepted and dealt with by others who understand because, from what people are saying on here, that is no way to live. For anybody.

So many stepmums complain how their useless partner doesn’t step up to the ex, or is Disney dad with his first DC, but they usually go on and have kids with them, so why inflict a useless dad on their own kids and make it harder to walk away?

So having kids is a deal breaker for you, that's fine. It isn't a deal breaker for lots of women.

Many of us are perfectly fine with the idea of having a child/more children in our lives.

You aren’t their mum you’re their step mum. Doesn’t mean they’re not your step children.

Some people seem to think stepmum means second mum though.

They’re still “someone else’s children” by your definition.

When you marry the father the child is now yours as its step mum. You are in loco parentis.

One of my best friends lived with her step father from when she was very young and saw her dad EOW. She had a much closer relationship with her SF than she ever did with her dad. That’s not uncommon. It’s also not uncommon for the birth father to fuck off entirely.

This thread has just turned into one big argument between lots of people. I wanted to come here and vent anonymously and that’s what I did. I knew I would be judged and I knew what people would think of me. But the truth is I feel the way I feel and I need to unpick it all and make some choices.

in the heart of all my choices (first wives and step daughters won’t like this) is of course going to be my DS. Yeah my DSS didn’t ask for his parents to get divorced and for dad to start a new family, but my DS didn’t ask for a jealous big brother or a horrible ex dictating his life.

lots of people have suggested therapy and I agree I need therapy. I also need to book an appointment with my GP. And have an honest conversation with my husband. So this is my plan moving forward

just to add - I have a lot of private messages and have been told off a few people of another forum I can go to for step mums where I can vent anonymously without backlash off first wives/partners and step daughters.

I think I will steer clear of MN from now on. I just don’t understand why there is even a step parenting board if these women are going to haunt them??

My SD is not some angel just because she happens to be a SC. She also grew up with lots of involvement from her DH AND Me! When she was at ours and at her DM it was all about her - she grew up spoiled and entitled. She basically wanted to be a passive aggressive bitch to me for reasons I can't fathom, and for her DF to choose her over me and our DC. So yes I hate her. And I don't care. She's in her 30s and I can live with it, just like I would if I hated any other adult!
Her DF chose me. If I'd have been out of line he may have chosen her but he chose me. He loves her unconditionally because it's his DD but he knows and acknowledges that she's quite unpleasant.

This is very illuminating and your choice of words, here says far more about you than your stepdaughter. There are two sides to every story.

Why do you think that the people who have commented adversely are "first wives and stepdaughters"?

How odd. I'd guess that most of us are neither. I'm not a first wife and I'm certainly not a stepdaughter. I still think that the way you've maligned a young child here is reprehensible.

If you and your husband split up, you'll be an angry (second) wife yourself. Then you'll experience the same negative feelings towards your husband's third wife and child.

You just don't get it.

If your thread is busy it will pop up in active which is the first list of discussions people see, therefore no, posters are not seeking out step-parents to have a go at, you need to lose the victim-mindset. But something tells me that's an outlook that sits well with you.

And at the risk of repeating myself ad infinitum 🤦🏻‍♀️ I never been a step-child or jilted wife. Is that the only way you can rationalise people disagreeing with you?

I’m not the member of the first wives club, and I would be seriously questioning someone who blindly supports all SMs, especially when the OP is demonstrating such vitriol towards the child stuck in the middle of this shitshow.

I’m glad you are looking at therapy.

But if you do get your wish of a second son, just be aware they didn’t ask for a jealous older sibling (your first son) either

Why do you think that the people who have commented adversely are "first wives and stepdaughters"?

Because that way, they can absolve themselves of responsibility and not change. Anyone who hates any child is not going to be a great parent to any child they birth, either. Toxic parents are toxic parents.

And having been involved with safeguarding with schools if I heard an adult talking about a child within their care the way OP had been talking about how she feels about her DSC I would have serious concerns, not be praising her attitude

No. Marrying a child’s parent does not bequeath you with legal obligations or rights, not in the UK anyway.

Legally they are your spouses children. They do not become yours.

No. Marrying a child’s parent does not bequeath you with legal obligations or rights, not in the UK anyway.

Legally they are your spouses children. They do not become yours.

It's worrying isn't it.

Op before you go think about this, two children are being failed at the moment by all the adults. And yes this is failing your son because you are at the moment ruining and preventing decent sibling relationship, your actions are in part causing your DSS dislike of your son and unless you solve quickly he will miss out on the potential joy of a decent sibling bond.

step parents issues are in the main adult based ones, partners failing to step up, Disney dad guilt, exes being difficult, step parents finding normal behaviours much more difficult because as you rightly say you don’t love them unconditionally and my god parenting teens is hard enough when you do. It works sometimes when adults stop behaving immaturely abd work together for consistency and balance.

here you can’t factor for the ex but you can work with your partner about have sensible boundaries in place for both children

and please get therapy, your birth experience sounds horrendous and working on that might help because o think a five year old got caught up in a trauma cycle and breaking thst might help

In my experience, when SCs behave badly/selfishly/spoiled, it's not the child's fault, it's the dad's fault for never exercising any discipline when their DC visits and giving in to them every time.

So let me get this straight from what I read on this board...

If you’re struggling as a stepmother, not acting like their mum is an appalling offence. How dare you consider them differently to your bio children?

But…acting like their mother, when they already have an actual mother is an appalling offence, you overstepping bitch.

I think that’s about right.

This thread is complete madness. As they all are. Well done on your honesty OP, and for having a plan going forwards. Because this isn’t sustainable, as you know. All the best.

@holywow

Please take care of yourself.

If this is the first time you’ve been on MN take it with a pinch of salt.

The first time I ever went on was with a personal issue. I knew nothing of it. Within minutes my phone was going off madly, endless judgemental and argumentative messages. Some pointedly cruel, lots of in fighting between Team A, B, C. Post now removed.

Be aware of the demographic you’re speaking to. Some SAHMs some economically forced to be SAHMs, new mums or mums with several small kids who are exhausted, women with too much money and not much to do, women who have work and not much else going on, retired people with a lot of opinions, a tonne of physically and/or mentally disabled, heaps of neurodiverse. Basically everybody has issues of some sort and they bring them to the table.

The average woman with mentally balanced opinions, perspective and empathy will not be on MN.

If you have no experience in being the OP's position you're not qualified to advise really, are you?

Or did you just want to have a go at her?

Pissed off step mums were also aghast at the idea of disliking a child, once upon a time. Lived experience changes people.