I can’t stand my DSC

[holywow]

I already know how this is going to go but i need to know how to unpick my feelings or change how I feel before it gets worse.
I will try not to harp on with myself but I just can’t bare my DSS any longer. He verging on probably the most irritating person I’ve ever met and I can’t work out how it’s come to this. It’s at the point where I am considering ending my marriage because I can’t bare to see him on a weekly basis any longer and I hate myself for feeling this way towards an 8 year old boy and worried about the damage that’s it’s going to do or already doing to him and the relationship between him and dh. The dread and anxiety that I feel as the weekend approaches is getting worse and worse. This started around the end of my pregnancy with my own DS (3yo) and has got gradually worse up till this point.

I’m so fed up of our home being chilled and calm during the week but then pandemonium every weekend when he arrives.
Im sick of the pity party for him off dh and his family.
Im sick of having to ask DSS mum permission every single time we want to book something like an abroad holiday or a few days break and then the arsing around choosing dates that she agrees to when I just simply want to book a holiday for my family and for my own ds to enjoy.
I hate hearing ‘daddy can I have can I have can I have’ all weekend.
I hate that I try my best to parent my 3 year old a certain way then all my hard work coming undone at the weekend when DSS arrives.
i hate that my 3 year old can’t play with his toys in peace instead of being teased and wound up by an older child who isn’t here during the week.
I can’t stand that every single Friday and Saturday night, without fail, we’re woken several times a night because DSS wants dh to get in his bed.
I resent how I want another baby so badly but they won’t get their own bedroom and will have to share with DS as DSS absolutely has to have his very own bedroom at our house even though he has his own bedroom at his mums.

I resent absolutely everything and I don’t know how to stop it. I never used to be like this before my own child was born!!

Well they say hindsight is a wonderful thing don't they. I would not take back my wonderful DC but I've had a harder time than I needed to. He had commitments and I should have run a mile.

None* of that is the child's fault
*
How often do we need to reiterate this until it penetrates the venom-filled skulls?

And I should have run a mile

There's still time.

I guess you should have.

Don't blame the kids.

I didn’t say it was the child’s fault. Just saying that in these situations they’re not the only victims when their parents are arseholes. It’s ok to acknowledge that an adult is suffering too. There’s enough room in the victim club for both.

She's not a kid. She had a good childhood but grew up to be a nasty bitch. It happens.

Yes there is.

You got together with her father when she was an adult?

Well, better to be the victim who's there by choice.

No. As I've said, I plowed my heart and soul into being a nice SM. I dislike her because of how she's behaved as an adult. Some people just grow up rotten.
It wasn't easy and with what I know now I wouldn't recommend it.

Would anyone really enjoy having to spend every single weekend with someone else’s child???

OP I wish you all the best. You sound like a decent woman who's at breaking point. Don't let the "advice" here get to you. It's not real world on mumsnet. It's a very pious and squewed view. Like a cult for jilted wives and damaged SC. Do what's best for you and your bio DC. I can tell you it probably won't be getting any easier. Hugs to you and all the other "wicked" SM out there doing their best xxx

Horrible parents raise a wonderful man who raises a horrible daughter.

I see.

Yes we all know women are in bad relationships through choice. But it is sometimes hard to get out even though she should absolutely get out.

Therefore why tf shouldn’t she celebrate when she finally breaks free?! That might be when the stepchild’s life improves too as they might actually see their father get his butt out of bed to look after them himself?

You don't have to do it, that's the point! So if you choose to because the benefits of the relationship are worth it to you, don't blame the kid who was a part of the situation you chose to enter!

Like a cult for jilted wives and damaged SC

Lol. I and many others here are neither. But keep telling yourselves that while you actively damage the children that we're naturally primed to protect.

?? Once your married to their parent it’s your (step) child!

Like a cult for jilted wives and damaged SC

If it really was ex wives club on here I don’t think there’d be such unanimous condemnation of the ex’s behaviour.

If there are damaged step children, then perhaps the OP should listen, because they must have experienced similarly damaging dynamics and the adults in this situation can do better for these two boys.

That (step) is very important. It's still someone else's child

The child is now yours. If you don’t understand/can’t accept that don’t marry the father.

Nobody says that about adopted children and people would be horrified if they did.

See if a man told me he has kids on a first date I wouldn't even be going on a second one with him. Not a case of being deeply involved at that stage.

My current partner has kids but they are both adults and live in different countries. If they had still been young and dependent on him on any way then he would've been a no go area.

And not being “mum’ when they have a mother is a vital distinction. They most definitely aren’t yours and you are NOT their mum.

You can behave like a kindly aunt or a great nanny or friendly face but you are not entitled to be seen as mother (unless it’s some very exceptional circumstance).

Nobody says that about adopted children and people would be horrified if they did.

That’s because adopted children are different to stepchildren. The child is now yours when you adopt them. Very big difference.

Yeah, your husband's. And that other child has the same rights as the ever so precious fruit of your womb 😏 to spend time with their father too. The fact the child's parents are too incompetent to reach an arrangement that works for everyone does NOT entitle the scapegoating/loathing of a small child.

I'm going to hide this thread because it's upsetting how many stepmothers are supportive of someone emotionally abusing a child - any tosh about her internalising her hatred is simply that: tosh.

The child is the husband or partner's child. If you choose your partner you do so with the knowledge that the child is part of him/her. The boy in this situation has the right to spend every weekend with his father. People complain about the "every weekend" part. But what if something happens to the boy's mother in this situation? Then the child may have to be with the partner full-time. It is the choice people make when they choose their partners. If it isn't working out anymore, then they have to make another choice and leave. The stepchild did not choose any of this. The adults have choices, a young child of 8 doesn't, and that's the big difference.

As for entering into a relationship/marriage with a partner with a stepchild and not knowing that the child may grow up to be different than at the beginning, that is the case with one's own biological children. The difference is that the step parent can still leave.

I am also finding this threat very distressing.