What do I do?!

[GlassCaseOfEmotions]

Long time lurker, first time poster!

I am 'step mum' (dad's partner, not married, using the term for ease) to 2 DSS'S (7 and 12). On the whole, lovely kids and generally easy to be around.

My dilemma is this:

• DSS7 is constantly pushing boundaries and rules with dad and I. It can be small things (moaning when asked to put shoes on) to bigger things like using swear words to abuse other family members (including the c word...). DSS7 gets angry and upset when asked to do just about anything or being told no!
• DSS7 is becoming nasty to my dogs. Pushing 1 off the sofa when they were sleeping and DSS had plenty of other seats to choose from. Rubbing their face all over the dogs when they're sleeping. Laughing and saying he wanted the other to bite him and then proceeded to blow in that dogs face, which caused the dog to snap (no contact made. Only blew once in the dogs face and then dog snapped). DSS's have been around dogs all their lives, and acknowledge they wouldn't behave like this with their mum or grandparents dogs
• DSS12 seems insistent on getting 1 over on DSS7 all the time. If DSS7 is told to stop doing something, DSS12 immediately chimes in with 'but I'm still allowed to aren't I?'. It's quite tedious and I'm at a point I'm ready to snap back, but for the minute manage to stay calm and reply 'no'
• DSS7 has constant meltdowns, at least once a day, over absolutely nothing. This can be because they've been asked to brush their teeth (never remember unless told), go for a poo (won't unless told. Couldn't wipe their own bum until 6 months ago!!), losing a game of Monopoly, being asked to do homework, dinner not being chicken nuggets and chips, being asked to use their fork, being asked to get dressed, being told no... You get the idea 🤣 they then proceed to hit dad/ DSS12, slam doors, throw things around, stamp their feet, cry hysterically and speak in the most squeaky voice imaginable. DSS makes a face if being calmly told their behaviour is not acceptable and, at that point, there's no point in continuing the conversation.
• DSS12 being constantly nosey and in my business all the time. I WFH and my work is highly sensitive in nature. I stay out the way of everyone else when I'm working due to this. DSS will just invite himself in to any room, plonk down and then either listen in or sit watching videos on his phone very loudly. Even if I ask DSS to leave the room, he will take a good 5 to 10 minutes to do so
• neither DSS have boundaries and respect for private space. I own the house we live in, and yet I never go in their bedroom. They are constantly in and out of the room DP and I share. If I tell them to leave, they are in 5 minutes later. This can even be DSS7 getting up at 7am on a weekend and coming in to see the dogs, or sitting outside the room and loudly calling the dogs to them!!
• DSS12 is awkward to be around. It hasn't always been this way. They've intelligent (not amazingly so, they won't lead any vital life saving research but they're academically capable) and quite funny. However, he flounces this in people's faces and acts superior. Conversations are strained as he just wants to spend the time making fun of his brother or speaking in riddles. DP and I both find this tiring.
• this is a DP problem and I'm aware of that, but need help on how to tackle it!! DP works shifts. School runs often fall to me. I am 24 weeks pregnant and have said I will struggle in another month or so to keep doing school runs. I've also said I don't want to spend my maternity leave running round after DSS's or entertaining them during the school holidays while DP is working. Whilst I appreciate they will be around a lot (we have them 50/50) and it will take a while to adjust, I also want it appreciated that this will be my first and only child and I want to use my time off to enjoy them and bond with them!

-ExW can be a nightmare. I am totally NC with her as I won't entertain her BS. When she drops the kids off and knows my DP is at work, she will just turn up when she feels like it rather than the time agreed with DP. She often drives off before I've answered the door, so I have no choice but to let the kids in. DP has told her numerous times that I am working and times are agreed in advance to cause the least disruption to my work. It always falls on deaf ears. She expects me to drop everything for the kids, even questioning why I couldn't go to a school event for DSS7 when she and DP couldn't make it. She then miraculously managed to go when she realised DSS would be on his own. She lies through her teeth, even saying she couldn't attend DSS7 school event due to work. When we collected a bag from her house after this event, she was drunk in the garden and had been out all day for her boyfriends birthday. No issue with that, just don't lie about it!!

How can I make any of this better?! I feel like I'm sacrificing my life for DP and his kids. I do care for them and mostly enjoy having them here, but I didn't quite realise they would take over my life as much as they do!!

I hate to say it, some of the lesser annoying stuff is just the product of a child being 7 and 12.

The hitting and dog related stuff is unacceptable behaviour though. There definitely needs to be more boundaries and expectations. It’s not fair that you’re expected to do parental related running around after these kids, without being able to enforce your own boundaries.

I think writing down some rules and expectations, sitting down with the kids and discussing these with them might help. In addition, the consequences that they will face for breaking the rules you have in place. If they do break the rules then it is incredibly important to follow through with consequences. You obviously need your dp’s backing with this (he needs to be there too) and he need to pull his finger out. At the end of the day, they are just children and children are naturally going to push the limits, they’re going to be a lot worse if there are no natural consequences to their actions.
You’re about to have a baby, so these need to be set now so any changes made aren’t associated with the baby’s arrival, leading to resentment towards the baby.

@Ruffpuff thank you!! I wasn't sure what was normal kid stuff at those ages and what wasn't to be honest! I grew up in a very strict house, so wouldn't have dreamed of doing some of the stuff my DSS's do. That said, at 13 I was pushing the boundaries my parents set in far more extreme ways and can only pray these kids and the baby don't do the same 🙏🏻🤣

I am able to set boundaries with the kids, but these are often only respected for short amounts of time and then it's back to square 1 sadly. I don't want to feel like I'm on their backs, and I think this makes me really mindful of 'nagging' (which it often feels like I'm doing!).

Do you have any ideas in mind (outside of no hitting/ leave the dogs alone/ set bed time/ homework when you come in from school etc) of rules/ boundaries/ consequences that we could impliment?

I am also very mindful this has to be done sooner than later, as the resentment for the baby will set in otherwise! I'm already dreading the backlash of the baby arriving from ExW (she's already made comments to the kids) and us not always being able to focus our time around the kids/ do everything they want to do! It's likely she will either continue to drop them off when she feels like it, or run back to CMS if she has to have them an extra hour at times. When 50/50 first started, she went to CMS and claimed my DP wasn't paying any money to her and he only had then 2 nights a week. It was a long, drawn out battle to get it corrected. We obviously want to avoid this happening again, but I equally don't feel I should be restricted in what I do with the baby on days my partner is working and we have the kids, during school holidays for example. Perhaps I'm not being fair there?

DSS7 is probably the centre of majority of the issues due to his behaviour and outbursts and inability to regulate his emotions/ understand what's appropriate. We attend a 1st birthday for my DPs neice/ DSS's cousin a few months ago, and he kicked a large inflatable unicorn at her when she toddled off to do something else. He was told this wasn't acceptable and laughed. He was told more firmly that he wouldn't be allowed to continue playing if he was going to try and hurt her, to which he did the pouty face and proceeded to have a meltdown/ be rude to everyone for the rest of the party!

Wanted to add to this (baby brain, sorry!).

I feel like I can't get excited about my pregnancy because of the kids. Any time anything baby related is discussed, DSS12 becomes upset or withdrawn. DSS7 doesn't appear to be as impacted by it, my DP thinks he likely doesn't understand as he's never had change related to a baby before.

I've tried to include DSS as much as possible (helping to think of names, choosing clothes, talking about things we can all do together) but DSS12 reactions to this have made me stop mentioning anything relating to the baby.

DSS7 showed their first 'negative' reaction a few days ago when DPs SIL was discussing baby journals with me and giving me some maternity clothes to borrow. DSS7, DSS12, DP and DPs brother were all in a seperate conversation. DSS7 then asked what we were talking about, SIL responded to say 'the baby' and then DSS7 became rude, argumentative and a bit nasty to anyone who tried to engage with him following this.

I don't know if this is all normal and expected reactions. But what can be done to help here?!

What is the timeframe of:

Parental break-up

Your arrival

You and your partner moving in together

Pregnancy announcement

That's potentially a lot of major changes for your partner's children in a relatively short period of time.

With having your step sons 50/50 I think you're going to need to let go of your idea of having much time alone with the baby, when your step sons are with you. Unless your partner is willing to do 100% of the parenting, leaving you to parent the baby. However, I can see you not being a fan of that.

I think that some of your frustrations sound reasonable, but you really don't sound like you like your step sobs very much, particularly the younger one. Comments about their intellect are really unnecessary.

I feel quite sorry for them.

@Littlefish

Just shy of 4 years since DP and ExW broke up. She has a new partner, no idea how long they've been together but before I came along.

DP and I have been together nearly 2 years. He moved in to my house 5 months ago.

Pregnancy was announced when I was about 13 weeks (can't remember exactly when, but know it was very soon after 12 week scan as that's when we first told anyone!).

I don't have any idea of having only time for myself and baby when DSS's are here, that's absurd and I would never have got in to a relationship with a man with children if I wanted a nuclear family. What I do have an idea of is not being the 1 to pick up the slack constantly during all half terms/ summer holidays and have a new born baby and 2 DSS here when partner is at work all day, with no help whatsoever. I don't think that's an unfair expectation at all? Of course I'm happy to do it 1 day a week or for a few hours until DP gets home from work. But having to do that between 3 and 5 days, all day, a week every week? No thanks 😊

I'm more than happy to parent my own child solo while DP entertains DSS's, why would I have a baby otherwise? Everyone has to compromise somewhere, and that's a compromise I'm willing to make!! It can't only be me compromising though...

The younger 1 is hard work lately. Sometimes I love him, sometimes I can't stand to be around him. Same with DSS12. Same with DP. Same with myself to be honest 🤣 I'm confused how being a realist and saying that DSS has an overinflated perception of their own intelligence is unnecessary when describing their behaviour? Great that he has that self confidence, and I've never knocked him for it.

I'm glad you feel sorry for 2 kids that have the world provided to them by a caring SM; who is the only 1 in 7 years to invest time in to teaching a child to use a fork, wipe their own bum, who attends 99% of their school events (when their own parents can't be bothered to!), who tries to ensure their emotional/ physical/ mental needs are met, who actually takes them to activities and enriches their lives, teaches them about the world outside of their front doors and who has picked up the pieces time again when their own mother hasn't. That's not to add in the financial assistance I give day in, day out (not just bills and food. New clothes, skincare, haircuts, school trips, days out with friends, new game consoles/games etc. All of which I've done since before they and DP moved in).

You've got a point, what a terrible step mum I am!!

I feel sorry for them because regardless of your actions, the tone of your opening post makes it sound like you don't like them very much. You are obviously frustrated with them.

In the last 4 years they have seen their parents split up (with all the ensuing disagreements before that)

They have had lived in their family home, possibly the house their dad moved to, and now your home.

They've seen their mum with a new partner.

Add to that, in the last 2 years, their dad has become involved with you, moved in with you and now, they are having to come to terms with the idea of another child.

That is a massive number of major changes for them.

These changes will affect their attachment and their sense of security. Their behaviours are all communicating this.

@Littlefish of course I'm frustrated. Not just with them, with myself and DP as well. Add pregnancy hormones in to that, and it can become a recipe for disaster. Which is why I'm reaching out on here to prevent that from happening. Not to be told by someone on mumsnet how I think and feel towards my DSS's based on an online post...

I'm asking for help. You're telling me things I am already aware of. Do you have any suggestions of how to change things so we can all return to the happy existence we had previously? This behaviour has only escalated recently.

What is your dp doing when they have tantrums? What are the consequences for being rude or for annoying the dogs?

You are going to struggle. You need to accept that as a 50 50 arrangement is in place and you are doing parenting when your dp is away, then you are a parent to two boys as well. This does mean that the lovely maternity leave you were envisaging will not he the way you think it will be.

So...your 'd'p (and his children) lives rent free (?) in your house, you do the childcare for his children and he doesn't discipline them?
I really hope he's got very many many good points.

@cansu it really depends on what the tantrum is about to be honest with you! Sometimes DP will laugh and point out how ridiculous it is. Other times, when the tantrum becomes physical, he will raise his voice and tell him to go to his room.

The only negative there is, DSS7 will sit with the door open while DP and DSS12 laugh and 'mock' the behaviour. I'm not sure if mock is the right word, but they'll have a laugh about it. This then causes DSS7 to spiral again.

I'm slightly different in the sense I will calmly remind them it's not acceptable and ask them to respect others. If they can't, I ask DSS to go to his room until he feels calm. Normally after 5 minutes, I'll go and have a conversation about why the behaviour wasn't acceptable and what can be done differently next time.

I suppose the difference is DSS doesn't display any violence towards me, and rarely aggression outside of a slammed door or sock being thrown downstairs (I know, the sock is extreme!! 🤣).

I feel I'm constantly on his back about the dogs though. I ask calmly and the 2nd time tell him firmly but without shouting. I explain, when the dust has settled, why it's not acceptable. It works for about 24 hours, then starts again!!

I know my maternity won't be the bliss I perhaps initially imagined. What I'm struggling with is how I will parent my DSS's when their behaviour is as it is, for full days (sometimes until nearly 9pm!) with a baby as well. I've suggested holiday clubs/ DPs family helping out/ DP collecting from ExW after work (when DP finishes at 5, not the late finishes) but just get a head nod and nothing else... I don't want to end up resenting my DSS's!!

Your problem is simple - your dp does not deal with the behaviour consistently. It doesn't sound like anyone knows what the rules are or what the consequences are. You are not on the same page and that is why he is acting out. As they say on here you have a dp problem.

@arethereanyleftatall I don't know where you got that idea from?...

The only bill my DP doesn't pay is the mortgage (because I'm not an idiot who will allow anyone any entitlement to something they didn't work for!).

I do majority of school runs due to his work hours. That's not to say he doesn't do any, just that week on week it would majority of the time be me. He does try to change shifts around this, but it isn't always possible due to the nature of his work. Outside of school, I have my DSS's anywhere from 1-4 hours alone before he gets home. Weekends when DSS are here he isn't at work, so I leave it all to him (minus making a family meal on 1 of the days).

He does discipline them, but clearly the methods don't work!

@cansu thank you. I know some of this is a DP problem rather than DSS's problem. I have communicated that to him on occasion, and it is improving in some respects.

Any tips on how we can get ourselves on the same page and have consistency please?

I am sorry but I really think these children have been short changed. Twenty weeks ago they moved in and practically next few weeks learn of baby.

Those are two huge life changes that can take years individually to process. Where is their father in this? Have you become the nanny?

They need time and reassuring from their father. I appreciate you are doing your best but quite frankly their father has really let them down. I am not surprised they are very mildly misbehaving, honestly I'd expect escalation unless their father supports them

The best way would be for you and dp to discuss what the issues are and agree how you will respond.
I would suggest that you then sit down and have a family meeting where you tell the kids what the consequences will be and why. Then you stick to it.
Have v simple rules and don't go crazy. For instance I would say the dogs issue is v important as is hurting others. Start with these major ones. It could be as simple as you get one warning and then you must go to your room to calm down. Decide on a consequence for serious behaviour and stick to it. E.g you lose computer time that evening.

When did the 50/50 start? If that's only been in place since he moved in as you're now around to pick them up from school and have them etc then that will need to continue through your mat leave unless DP makes other child care arrangements. You can't expect ex to have them during his time on a 50/50 arrangement so you need to tell him to arrange something else if you dont want to be responsible for them then on mat leave

@Marblessolveeverything while I agree with some of what you've said, I disagree with other points.

Prior to moving in, DSS's stayed here often and I stayed at their father's. They constantly said they preferred being here rather than between 2 houses, which was a partial trigger for them moving in.

I do agree a baby is a huge life changing event for them!

Their father is here every day, but he does also have to go out to work. He tries to change shifts around his kids, but it isn't always possible to do due to the nature of his work. I'm by no means a nanny (although have felt like it at times! I took a huge step back to make it clear that wasn't continuing, and hasn't. Not from my perspective anyway!).

I don't think a 7 year old cracking their brothers head open with a controller, trying to get themselves bitten in the face by a dog (whilst laughing and saying I want him to), kicking their dad in the back of the head while he's driving or using the c word is considered mild behaviour. At least I don't see that as mild...

What can their dad do to support them? He sees them more than he did previously, he has 1 on 1 time with them, he provides as much as he can for them, he discusses things with them (school/ friends/ emotions/ fears etc) without me present. I'm genuinly curious what else he can do!

You and dh need to be on the same page and he needs to be consistently communicating with his ds’s in terms of behaviours and what is acceptable. It is telling that YOU are worried about being defaulted to childcare but dh doesn’t seem to be bothered about who dies what?! Clubs is a must, school, sports etc, get it booked and paid for by dh for every holiday if required.

but there have been huge changes for dss’ so their behaviour is not unexpected.

behaviour is communication so what are they communicating? Much of their behaviour you need to say stop to or ignore.

pick the areas to concentrate on, put a wedge under yr office door to stop them coming in. You are working not providing childcare so someone else should be at those times. If they are dropped off then dh needs to be present. He is not pulling his weight and children and you are suffering. Change this dynamic, instead of them being dropped off randomly, dh can collect or after school club etc.

@cansu thank you. I will sit down with my DP tonight and talk through all of this. We have DSS's tomorrow so it would be good to start the NY on the right foot and get things in place sooner than later!

Who looked after them while their dad worked before he moved in 5 months ago? He needs to continue with that. You are have took on too much and too soon, you are going to resent it, and who could blame you. Dad should be dealing with all of this behaviour. Don’t let him fob you off, get it sorted before the baby comes for everyones sake

its a tough gig, being a step mum. It doesn’t really get any easier. I found my dh didn’t discipline his kids at those ages cause he was worried about upsetting them.

50/50 started several months before DP and DSS's moved in. Prior to that, DP did all school runs but 50/50 was based around their shifts rather than set days. When they moved in, I made it clear I wanted structure and that it would be better for the kids. That's when it changed to set days.

I've suggested after school clubs/ holiday clubs/ using leave more wisely etc, but just get a head nod. Leave is difficult we DP has to take it in 1 or 2 week blocks (just the way leave works for whole organisation) rather than random days here and there. Ad hoc days can be booked, but 5 weeks has to be block leave.

@Neodymium how did you cope? Wine sadly isn't an option for me 🤣

I think this is part of my DPs issue. He told DSS7 off the other week, but followed it with 'no one is telling you off'. I had to interject and make it clear he was being told off, because his behaviour was unacceptable!

@Ilovethewild thank you! I will get DP to start looking at clubs/ after school clubs/ activities etc soon. It needs sorting sooner than later in my opinion!

I honestly struggle to know what they're communicating. 1 minute they are very loving towards me and DP, and the next it's like WW3 and everyone is collateral damage. When asked why they said or did something, it's a usual child answer of 'they did xyz and I got annoyed' or 'I didn't ask for brocoli so I threw my plate'. Honestly it's exhausting some days trying to keep up!!

I'm not sure what to do about them being dropped off and DP being present. Even when he has agreed a time for him to pick up, I'll get a text off DSS12 to say 'mum says he will be at yours for xyz time'. I text back saying 'your dad is picking you up. I'm working/ out/ busy so mum needs to stick to the agreement' and then next thing, they're knocking at the door!! I have actually been out before and come home to 1 of my neighbours having taken them in, as mum dumped and left!! DP has communicated how unacceptable this is to ExW, but she simply replies 'they're your kids, not just mine'. Honestly, she's a bit all over the shop...

Hey OP
Apologies upfront if this post is excessively harsh, I'm a 50:50 co-parent myself and my kids also have a step mum, they wouldn't dream about behaving they way your SS kids do,

The paragraph that really stood out for me was

the only 1 in 7 years to invest time in to teaching a child to use a fork, wipe their own bum, who attends 99% of their school events (when their own parents can't be bothered to!), who tries to ensure their emotional/ physical/ mental needs are met, who actually takes them to activities and enriches their lives, teaches them about the world outside of their front doors and who has picked up the pieces time again when their own mother hasn't. That's not to add in the financial assistance I give day in, day out (not just bills and food. New clothes, skincare, haircuts, school trips, days out with friends, new game consoles/games etc. All of which I've done since before they and DP moved in).
^
Where was your DP in all of this, as a co-parent he shares equal blame for the list of failures your have described, you as a step parent will not be able to change their behavioural problems, it will be a long hard struggle with zero chances of success if the actual parents don't step up and work in a coordinated way.^
^
Deciding to bring another child into this is just a recipe for more problems, from what you've said your DP not a good enough parent to his current children, not sure why you thought bringing another child into this mix was a good idea (sorry!!)^
^
Your only course of action is to take a step back and excerpt some firm boundaries,
Leave the parenting of the step kids to the actual parents and hope that the negative effects of their bad parenting doesn't have a massive impact on your life.
Your just going to have to accept there are certain things you will never be able to change.^