What do I do?!

[GlassCaseOfEmotions]

Long time lurker, first time poster!

I am 'step mum' (dad's partner, not married, using the term for ease) to 2 DSS'S (7 and 12). On the whole, lovely kids and generally easy to be around.

My dilemma is this:

• DSS7 is constantly pushing boundaries and rules with dad and I. It can be small things (moaning when asked to put shoes on) to bigger things like using swear words to abuse other family members (including the c word...). DSS7 gets angry and upset when asked to do just about anything or being told no!
• DSS7 is becoming nasty to my dogs. Pushing 1 off the sofa when they were sleeping and DSS had plenty of other seats to choose from. Rubbing their face all over the dogs when they're sleeping. Laughing and saying he wanted the other to bite him and then proceeded to blow in that dogs face, which caused the dog to snap (no contact made. Only blew once in the dogs face and then dog snapped). DSS's have been around dogs all their lives, and acknowledge they wouldn't behave like this with their mum or grandparents dogs
• DSS12 seems insistent on getting 1 over on DSS7 all the time. If DSS7 is told to stop doing something, DSS12 immediately chimes in with 'but I'm still allowed to aren't I?'. It's quite tedious and I'm at a point I'm ready to snap back, but for the minute manage to stay calm and reply 'no'
• DSS7 has constant meltdowns, at least once a day, over absolutely nothing. This can be because they've been asked to brush their teeth (never remember unless told), go for a poo (won't unless told. Couldn't wipe their own bum until 6 months ago!!), losing a game of Monopoly, being asked to do homework, dinner not being chicken nuggets and chips, being asked to use their fork, being asked to get dressed, being told no... You get the idea 🤣 they then proceed to hit dad/ DSS12, slam doors, throw things around, stamp their feet, cry hysterically and speak in the most squeaky voice imaginable. DSS makes a face if being calmly told their behaviour is not acceptable and, at that point, there's no point in continuing the conversation.
• DSS12 being constantly nosey and in my business all the time. I WFH and my work is highly sensitive in nature. I stay out the way of everyone else when I'm working due to this. DSS will just invite himself in to any room, plonk down and then either listen in or sit watching videos on his phone very loudly. Even if I ask DSS to leave the room, he will take a good 5 to 10 minutes to do so
• neither DSS have boundaries and respect for private space. I own the house we live in, and yet I never go in their bedroom. They are constantly in and out of the room DP and I share. If I tell them to leave, they are in 5 minutes later. This can even be DSS7 getting up at 7am on a weekend and coming in to see the dogs, or sitting outside the room and loudly calling the dogs to them!!
• DSS12 is awkward to be around. It hasn't always been this way. They've intelligent (not amazingly so, they won't lead any vital life saving research but they're academically capable) and quite funny. However, he flounces this in people's faces and acts superior. Conversations are strained as he just wants to spend the time making fun of his brother or speaking in riddles. DP and I both find this tiring.
• this is a DP problem and I'm aware of that, but need help on how to tackle it!! DP works shifts. School runs often fall to me. I am 24 weeks pregnant and have said I will struggle in another month or so to keep doing school runs. I've also said I don't want to spend my maternity leave running round after DSS's or entertaining them during the school holidays while DP is working. Whilst I appreciate they will be around a lot (we have them 50/50) and it will take a while to adjust, I also want it appreciated that this will be my first and only child and I want to use my time off to enjoy them and bond with them!

-ExW can be a nightmare. I am totally NC with her as I won't entertain her BS. When she drops the kids off and knows my DP is at work, she will just turn up when she feels like it rather than the time agreed with DP. She often drives off before I've answered the door, so I have no choice but to let the kids in. DP has told her numerous times that I am working and times are agreed in advance to cause the least disruption to my work. It always falls on deaf ears. She expects me to drop everything for the kids, even questioning why I couldn't go to a school event for DSS7 when she and DP couldn't make it. She then miraculously managed to go when she realised DSS would be on his own. She lies through her teeth, even saying she couldn't attend DSS7 school event due to work. When we collected a bag from her house after this event, she was drunk in the garden and had been out all day for her boyfriends birthday. No issue with that, just don't lie about it!!

How can I make any of this better?! I feel like I'm sacrificing my life for DP and his kids. I do care for them and mostly enjoy having them here, but I didn't quite realise they would take over my life as much as they do!!

@mikado1 thank you.

He definitely isn't constantly scolded, if anything his behaviour goes largely unchecked. Which is probably part of the problem as he won't know whether he's here or there! He has so much fun and laughter day to day when here (I can't speak for at mums, of course). However, when he's asked to do something he doesn't like or if he's reminded saying/ doing something isn't nice, then he will act out. He cracked his brothers head open for speaking while he was on a game (actually just speaking, not winding him up or being overly loud etc). It's very much his way or no way. He will ask to take the dogs on certain walks he enjoys. We do it, and then he complains the whole time he's bored or didn't want to go anyway. I'm at a bit of a loss how to please him to be honest, it feels nothing is good enough some days!!

I will gently mention those bits to dad and see if he will take it on board.

@InAPickle12345 thank you, I will suggest this. I have previously indicated perhaps he needs more help, but no parent wants to hear their child might need some professional help!

Absolutely, completely get that, you never want to hear your child needs professional help. I was the same tbh, but my boy went through a period of disruptive behaviour at one point, totally out of character for him so I brought him to play therapy.... 6 weeks later I had a complete understanding of what the issues were, addressed them and it never happened again. Hopefully the parents will take it on board.

All of that is the behaviour of an unhappy child. Unhappy because all the changes maybe but also because of no proper limits for him. It really sounds v difficult. I would be imposing consequences for sure if hurting others or household items being damaged for sure. Explained all in advance of course. He's 7, it can be turned round.

Well done OP - it sounds like you had a very good conversation with your DP.
Regarding your question about stepping back without the DSS feeling rejected, it’s actually great timing to do this as you will be busy with the baby anyway so the shift will be less noticeable. You will still provide the DSS with love and support, dinners and a nice home, and participate in family life, but any time their behavior needs parental type intervention, you just tune out and let DP handle it. When DSS7 goes crazy, get up and go check on the baby. Any messages that their mum is delivering them early can be met with “please text your dad, he is arranging this”. Same with school and other arrangements. It will be easier if the contact is changed to be around his shifts, which he seems to have agreed to.
You need to limit your intervention to only the things that are critical to you - eg no interference with the dogs or the baby. And be very firm on this, but let DP take the lead on everything else. Good luck! It’s difficult but my DSC are now early / late 30s and we all survived and our home still provides stability in their lives.

@InAPickle12345 great to hear that it was so effective for you and your DC. I will try and approach the subject gently and see if DP will take it on board. I'm completely NC with ExW, so can't approach the subject with her. I do think there's help that he needs, even if just to learn to regulate emotions and display them in a much safer way!

@mikado1 thank you. Hopefully my DP and his ExW can get to the route of these issues. He's a very different child at school; won't even ask other children if he can move around them to be collected, plays on his own usually, very polite respectful and helpful to his peers and teachers. He's always volunteering to help at open days and in assembly!

I had wondered if there was some bullying elements going on at 1 point, as he would make reference to some kids being bossy or not wanting to go to school. However, his teachers assured DP he does interact positively with others and vice versa.

Aw he sounds like a sweetie but right now quite a mixed up kid. I'm a play therapist myself and I do agree it could be really helpful for him. There's a middle ground also where your dp could have a parental consultation with the PT and get some good guidance and support in terms of how to handle situations that arise. I find quite often that things can be sorted without meeting the child. He might prefer to try that first and it would be great for you to have someone else guiding him rather than you feeling you have to tell him what to do. Just a thought. He's lucky to have you.

@Mercurysinretrograde thank you, I think it was a much needed conversation. DP is off today and has taken the kids out the house, so I can work in peace. It's bliss 🤣

Unfortunately, when I reply with texts like that they go completely unread. I know they will have been seen, as DSS12 has his phone glued to his hand. Fortunately, I've now said I don't want ExW doing drop offs unless DP is here.

Thank you for your advice, it really is appreciated. Especially from someone who has experienced difficulties navigating this family dynamic too!

@mikado1 he really can be!! He can be the most loving, selfless and kindest (not to mention hilarious!) child imaginable. And other days it's like he wakes up as 1 of the gremlins 🤣 we don't know which version we are getting 1 minute to the next.

Thank you, that's really helpful to know that things can be put in place for the parent as well as the child. I do think my DP needs to adjust some things, as he wants to be their mate too often and not their parent. And I'm just winging it, having limited experience of raising kids, so often met with some resistance if I make suggestions or say something isn't right (from both DSS's and DP!). I do get that though, at the end of the day I'm not a parent. It would be like a plumber telling an electrician how to do a rewire!

Thank you, I just want everyone to live in a relaxed and stable happy home!