What do I do?!

[GlassCaseOfEmotions]

Long time lurker, first time poster!

I am 'step mum' (dad's partner, not married, using the term for ease) to 2 DSS'S (7 and 12). On the whole, lovely kids and generally easy to be around.

My dilemma is this:

• DSS7 is constantly pushing boundaries and rules with dad and I. It can be small things (moaning when asked to put shoes on) to bigger things like using swear words to abuse other family members (including the c word...). DSS7 gets angry and upset when asked to do just about anything or being told no!
• DSS7 is becoming nasty to my dogs. Pushing 1 off the sofa when they were sleeping and DSS had plenty of other seats to choose from. Rubbing their face all over the dogs when they're sleeping. Laughing and saying he wanted the other to bite him and then proceeded to blow in that dogs face, which caused the dog to snap (no contact made. Only blew once in the dogs face and then dog snapped). DSS's have been around dogs all their lives, and acknowledge they wouldn't behave like this with their mum or grandparents dogs
• DSS12 seems insistent on getting 1 over on DSS7 all the time. If DSS7 is told to stop doing something, DSS12 immediately chimes in with 'but I'm still allowed to aren't I?'. It's quite tedious and I'm at a point I'm ready to snap back, but for the minute manage to stay calm and reply 'no'
• DSS7 has constant meltdowns, at least once a day, over absolutely nothing. This can be because they've been asked to brush their teeth (never remember unless told), go for a poo (won't unless told. Couldn't wipe their own bum until 6 months ago!!), losing a game of Monopoly, being asked to do homework, dinner not being chicken nuggets and chips, being asked to use their fork, being asked to get dressed, being told no... You get the idea 🤣 they then proceed to hit dad/ DSS12, slam doors, throw things around, stamp their feet, cry hysterically and speak in the most squeaky voice imaginable. DSS makes a face if being calmly told their behaviour is not acceptable and, at that point, there's no point in continuing the conversation.
• DSS12 being constantly nosey and in my business all the time. I WFH and my work is highly sensitive in nature. I stay out the way of everyone else when I'm working due to this. DSS will just invite himself in to any room, plonk down and then either listen in or sit watching videos on his phone very loudly. Even if I ask DSS to leave the room, he will take a good 5 to 10 minutes to do so
• neither DSS have boundaries and respect for private space. I own the house we live in, and yet I never go in their bedroom. They are constantly in and out of the room DP and I share. If I tell them to leave, they are in 5 minutes later. This can even be DSS7 getting up at 7am on a weekend and coming in to see the dogs, or sitting outside the room and loudly calling the dogs to them!!
• DSS12 is awkward to be around. It hasn't always been this way. They've intelligent (not amazingly so, they won't lead any vital life saving research but they're academically capable) and quite funny. However, he flounces this in people's faces and acts superior. Conversations are strained as he just wants to spend the time making fun of his brother or speaking in riddles. DP and I both find this tiring.
• this is a DP problem and I'm aware of that, but need help on how to tackle it!! DP works shifts. School runs often fall to me. I am 24 weeks pregnant and have said I will struggle in another month or so to keep doing school runs. I've also said I don't want to spend my maternity leave running round after DSS's or entertaining them during the school holidays while DP is working. Whilst I appreciate they will be around a lot (we have them 50/50) and it will take a while to adjust, I also want it appreciated that this will be my first and only child and I want to use my time off to enjoy them and bond with them!

-ExW can be a nightmare. I am totally NC with her as I won't entertain her BS. When she drops the kids off and knows my DP is at work, she will just turn up when she feels like it rather than the time agreed with DP. She often drives off before I've answered the door, so I have no choice but to let the kids in. DP has told her numerous times that I am working and times are agreed in advance to cause the least disruption to my work. It always falls on deaf ears. She expects me to drop everything for the kids, even questioning why I couldn't go to a school event for DSS7 when she and DP couldn't make it. She then miraculously managed to go when she realised DSS would be on his own. She lies through her teeth, even saying she couldn't attend DSS7 school event due to work. When we collected a bag from her house after this event, she was drunk in the garden and had been out all day for her boyfriends birthday. No issue with that, just don't lie about it!!

How can I make any of this better?! I feel like I'm sacrificing my life for DP and his kids. I do care for them and mostly enjoy having them here, but I didn't quite realise they would take over my life as much as they do!!

i dont know if this would work, but given the threats she has made in the past, when the exw drops them off early, could your dp say he will inform cms that due to those extra couple of hours he now has them more than 50/50 so will be pursuing cm from her?

@Aquamarine1029 I think has the best answer.
For the happiness of your dogs and the safety of your baby. For your peace of mind.
I would be seriously worried about the baby getting "accidently" hurt, especially by the 7yr old.
DP can get his own place and parent his sons. He can sort out childminder/out of school clubs/school runs. Get this done asap BEFORE your baby is born. HIS childcare arrangements are not your responsibility.
You can enjoy your baby and maternity leave.
Your dp can have time with you & baby when he doesn't have his older sons. They need his full attention whilst it is his contact time or resentment towards the baby, and you could spiral and exacerbate the poor behaviour.

Sounds like my idea of a nightmare.

DP must have thought he’d landed the jackpot when he moved him and his sons in…

Your opening posts shows contempt. Two adults have acted on their own selfish needs to bring a baby without consideration of two existing children. Your excuses about having a baby are insulting to these two children who have been let down by their parents. You've picked a winner there op.

Op you must see that these kids have been through an awful lot of change in 4 years. For the 7 year old, that is half his life that has had constant disruption. They are traumatised and acting in a younger manner and pushing boundaries are predictable reactions. They are probably targeting the dogs because that gets a quick reaction. Kids often treat all attention as good attention.

They need a stable home, lots of love and preferably professional support. If their parents can't or won't provide that then it is unlikely they will magically turn into angels. Your partner should be showering them with love and attention right now.

How has he prioritised you above his kids?

Well. Their parents getting divorced can be traumatic for kids. But there are plenty of things the parents can do to mitigate this. A major thing is to show the kids that they still love them, even if they're separated. Another thing is to make damn sure the kids know it wasn't their fault. But by moving on so incredibly quickly and getting you pregnant, their father was telling them loud and clear that he doesn't want them any more, he has a new family now, a better one. You may think that's ridiculous, but kids can absolutely catashrophise.

A parent who prioritised his children would be doing all he could to reassure them he loves them, it wasn't their fault. This ain't it.

You wanted a baby, and you've said age isn't on your side. So he prioritised your desire for a baby (and being cynical as many people have pointed out, it is very much in his interest to have a baby with you for child care/housing purposes) above what his boys may feel about this.

You've said the boys mother neglects them. Then a decent father would be giving them a secure stable home, not bringing new people in to it.

Even in a nuclear family, elder children needs lots of reassurance when a new baby comes along. I realised very quickly when I had dd2, it was dd1 who needed me most in those first few months. Having me all to herself was all she'd known till then.

So, of course the boys are playing up now you're pregnant. Of course they are. That is parenting manual page 1. That your partner didn't expect this to happen, and did nothing to prepare for it, is genuinely staggering to me as a committed parent. He doesn't seem to have a clue.

As to what can YOU do. Nothing. But your partner needs to step up big time now. And I'm afraid he won't.

It sounds far more like he has prioritised himself.

I agree with @TheIsleOfTheLost the boys are struggling with such big changes in the last four years. The change in routine with their dad’s job and not having him look after them whilst they at yours isn’t doing them or you any good.
When they come over and he’s at work will feel like another abandonment to them, you are not their parent nor should you try to be as they have a mum. Adding a baby to the mix and quite frankly it could be a dangerous combination as they will feel they are losing their father even more, it might be baby flying off the sofa.
You will be having nights of barely any sleep once baby arrives and just enough energy at first to get dressed and take dogs out. You are going to have to rely on partner’s help to pick up the slack in the house as well as looking after his sons, helping with baby etc before and after work. It’s going to be chaotic at first till you get into a routine but the boys will be in fear of every change at the same time.

Yes, sorry, that's kind of what I meant. By giving the op what she wants, he gets what he wants.
Selfish man's 5 point plan. What's. In. It. For. Me.

I agree with PP's that the behaviour is a reflection of their chaotic childhood so far. A broken marriage, new partners, new house, 50/50 shared custody and now a new baby. I think the 7 year old is crying out for attention from his parents but you seem to be doing the majority of parenting while his father is working during his time. When I read the boys had been left with a neighbour because no one was home, my heart went out to them.
Your baby may have been planned but I think their father definitely wasn't thinking of the boys. In my view he needs to put their needs first and adding a new baby into the mix isn't going to do that.
You've got a very difficult road ahead OP.

Thanks for all your replies and I apologise its taken me a few hours to respond.

I've had a conversation with DP when he got in from work (their lives don't stop for me, so why should mine stop for them?). I've made it clear I'm not doing this any more.

No more school runs. He either changes arrangements with ExW and has the kids less, or utilises alternative childcare. This was met with some initial resistance, but when I pointed out he actually sees his kids less around his shifts he seemed to have a lightbulb moment.

No more having the kids when he isn't here. I've explained my home is my sanctuary, and not a wild animal 1 where the kids come and do whatever they like at the detriment of everyone else.

Kids are to be informed of rules and boundaries (no entering our room, no interacting with the dogs until they can be trusted to do so appropriately, keep their own room tidy and make own beds, homework when they get in etc. Show a bit of damn respect for my property and I, same goes for DP). ExW will also not be doing drops off unless DP is here. He can then choose how he deals with her lack of boundaries and disrespect when it's him it's impacting on.

I'm not thinking this is going to be a quick and overnight fix. There's lots of complex moving pieces here and there will be things each and all of us will have to compromise on. However, my happiness, time and sanity will no longer be considered in the long list of compromises!

I've also ordered a lock for our bedroom door!

Here's hoping the message has sunk in and DP will do something about it.

Good for you op.

Hopefully their father will deliver their new boundaries with love and kindness.

@SusanKennedyshouldLTB Unfortunately it goes by overnights only. And even when he had them 6 nights a week at times, CMS would only consider what ExW told them.

I know this for a fact as I laughed when my DP told me CMS would do that, and so asked to listen in to a call to them. They actually said 'we will note what you've told us and ask her if it's true. If she says it's only 2 nights, then that what we will go by' and I was gobsmacked!! Actually researched a lot of their policies myself and quoted them to the call handler on a seperate call, who told me they'd have a team leader review it. Next minute, he gets a letter demanding more money and threats of it being taken directly from his earnings, as she reported he had them 1 night a week and reported missed payments (that he didn't owe, as he had them 50/50!).

It's an awful system and 1 I wouldn't wish on anyone to experience!

I meant to mention to you as well op since I'm not sure anyone else did - a 12 yr old doesn't need childcare. The only thing they still need is lifts if there is no public transport available (which they can get on their own), and it's too far to walk/cycle. But a 12 yr old can't be in charge of a 7 yr old.

I would be prepared for the kids not wanting to come over at all...

You've done the right thing, but there will be consequences.

@arethereanyleftatall thank you. I just hope the message sinks in for DP.

As for the kids, how he delivers it will no longer be my issue. He has to step up and parent, rather than me shouldering that burden.

I do feel terrible for laying down these rules, it's just not in my nature to inconvenience anyone. But I have to put myself, my baby and my dogs first at some point!

@arethereanyleftatall sadly there is no public transport to school where I live (we are only 20 minutes away, but very rural. We are lucky to have a bus to the next village!!).

He is quite self sufficient and will cook his own lunch/ entertain himself. Although the mess to clean up after he's cooked leaves a little to be desired (I don't mean washing up, but raw eggs and egg shells left all over the kitchen sides etc!). It's a work in progress!!

From what I can understand, he's been left to parent the 7 year old a lot over the years. This has naturally caused some resentment, and means the 7 year old is very demanding of everyone and takes no responsibility for things. Even if you say 'have you drank enough water today? I haven't seen you have a drink all night', he will respond along the lines of 'no one asked me to/ no one reminded me'. Which is sad really, as their 1 year old cousin can pick her own beaker up when she needs a drink!!

Good for you OP, he needs to really be there for them before baby arrives, boundaries and reassurance.
The exw is shooting herself in the foot if your dp decides to only have sons the amount of times she claims, that might be the route he has to take until she stops lying.

@Whattodo112222 thank you. I'm sure there will be backlash from this (whether that's DSS's, DP or ExW). I'll just have to roll with the punches and hope things improve for everyone.

The last thing I want is to come between DP and his kids, and I think that could happen if this isn't handled with sensitivity and care.

@Jamjaris I have said the same to him. CMS worked out, based on what she said, that he had shared care for 52 nights a year. So I've said let her eat cake!! She would not cope with having the kids 6 nights a week, she barely manages the arrangement they have now given she's changing days (adding to our care, not ever repaying) she has them now!! It would be a shame for the kids too given comments they make about being at her house.

I've also questioned DP on why ExW's partner can't help out and do more, and pointed out he's held to a different standard than I am in regards to the kids. I'm expected to be SM, provider, babysitter, maid etc etc. Meanwhile, he's expected to be mums partner... Seems a little unfair!!

It sounds like you have really found your strength to put yourself in the background and let dp do the parenting. I’m glad as once you’ve had baby and your lives settle in the new normal hopefully the boys will see their dad is still parenting them when they come to stay.

@Jamjaris I think posting here was the reality check needed to say 'enough is enough'. We tell ourselves these things 100 times, but it often doesn't sink in until someone else says it!!

I hope that things will get better for all of us, myself included. I don't want to bring a baby in to chaos, and if things had been this bad back when we started TTC I never would have even considered a baby!!

You've had loads of advise here OP and seem to be happier now with a plan etc. I'll throw in my tuppence nonetheless. The thing that strikes me, as well as how draining and difficult this must be for you, is that these aren't happy children right now, particularly 7yo, who really is still a baby. You'll see when you look back in your own! (Congratulations BTW!) I agree there needs to be firm boundaries for him but I'd go easy on punishments right now, I think it will only lead to more resentment from him. You want cooperation fro him, you want him on board. How is he spending his days? Is there fun and laughing in his life? I feel like he's constantly acting out and is getting constantly scolded but it's having no impact on him. So I'd up his joy while also upping the firm boundaries, Inc logical consequences in this if necessary. But I'd remember that this is recent and he is reacting to the situation, he's struggling and he's asking to be seen here. And I'd name that for him, or I'd get his dad to do so, ideally. I agree you're too far in but I can see how you got there! Dad needs to step up now.

How to talk so children will listen would be a good approach for the SC and their dad. Some problem solving together etc. Lots of acknowledgement of feelings etc. This sounds like a pretty difficult and strained situation right now. It won't be an easy fix. Wishing you all the best.

Just a suggestion but okay therapy for the 7 year old could be beneficial to get to the root cause of this behaviour and prepare him emotionally for the arrival of a new baby.

Not something for you to arrange obviously but could suggest to his father

Should read *play therapy