What do I do?!

[GlassCaseOfEmotions]

Long time lurker, first time poster!

I am 'step mum' (dad's partner, not married, using the term for ease) to 2 DSS'S (7 and 12). On the whole, lovely kids and generally easy to be around.

My dilemma is this:

• DSS7 is constantly pushing boundaries and rules with dad and I. It can be small things (moaning when asked to put shoes on) to bigger things like using swear words to abuse other family members (including the c word...). DSS7 gets angry and upset when asked to do just about anything or being told no!
• DSS7 is becoming nasty to my dogs. Pushing 1 off the sofa when they were sleeping and DSS had plenty of other seats to choose from. Rubbing their face all over the dogs when they're sleeping. Laughing and saying he wanted the other to bite him and then proceeded to blow in that dogs face, which caused the dog to snap (no contact made. Only blew once in the dogs face and then dog snapped). DSS's have been around dogs all their lives, and acknowledge they wouldn't behave like this with their mum or grandparents dogs
• DSS12 seems insistent on getting 1 over on DSS7 all the time. If DSS7 is told to stop doing something, DSS12 immediately chimes in with 'but I'm still allowed to aren't I?'. It's quite tedious and I'm at a point I'm ready to snap back, but for the minute manage to stay calm and reply 'no'
• DSS7 has constant meltdowns, at least once a day, over absolutely nothing. This can be because they've been asked to brush their teeth (never remember unless told), go for a poo (won't unless told. Couldn't wipe their own bum until 6 months ago!!), losing a game of Monopoly, being asked to do homework, dinner not being chicken nuggets and chips, being asked to use their fork, being asked to get dressed, being told no... You get the idea 🤣 they then proceed to hit dad/ DSS12, slam doors, throw things around, stamp their feet, cry hysterically and speak in the most squeaky voice imaginable. DSS makes a face if being calmly told their behaviour is not acceptable and, at that point, there's no point in continuing the conversation.
• DSS12 being constantly nosey and in my business all the time. I WFH and my work is highly sensitive in nature. I stay out the way of everyone else when I'm working due to this. DSS will just invite himself in to any room, plonk down and then either listen in or sit watching videos on his phone very loudly. Even if I ask DSS to leave the room, he will take a good 5 to 10 minutes to do so
• neither DSS have boundaries and respect for private space. I own the house we live in, and yet I never go in their bedroom. They are constantly in and out of the room DP and I share. If I tell them to leave, they are in 5 minutes later. This can even be DSS7 getting up at 7am on a weekend and coming in to see the dogs, or sitting outside the room and loudly calling the dogs to them!!
• DSS12 is awkward to be around. It hasn't always been this way. They've intelligent (not amazingly so, they won't lead any vital life saving research but they're academically capable) and quite funny. However, he flounces this in people's faces and acts superior. Conversations are strained as he just wants to spend the time making fun of his brother or speaking in riddles. DP and I both find this tiring.
• this is a DP problem and I'm aware of that, but need help on how to tackle it!! DP works shifts. School runs often fall to me. I am 24 weeks pregnant and have said I will struggle in another month or so to keep doing school runs. I've also said I don't want to spend my maternity leave running round after DSS's or entertaining them during the school holidays while DP is working. Whilst I appreciate they will be around a lot (we have them 50/50) and it will take a while to adjust, I also want it appreciated that this will be my first and only child and I want to use my time off to enjoy them and bond with them!

-ExW can be a nightmare. I am totally NC with her as I won't entertain her BS. When she drops the kids off and knows my DP is at work, she will just turn up when she feels like it rather than the time agreed with DP. She often drives off before I've answered the door, so I have no choice but to let the kids in. DP has told her numerous times that I am working and times are agreed in advance to cause the least disruption to my work. It always falls on deaf ears. She expects me to drop everything for the kids, even questioning why I couldn't go to a school event for DSS7 when she and DP couldn't make it. She then miraculously managed to go when she realised DSS would be on his own. She lies through her teeth, even saying she couldn't attend DSS7 school event due to work. When we collected a bag from her house after this event, she was drunk in the garden and had been out all day for her boyfriends birthday. No issue with that, just don't lie about it!!

How can I make any of this better?! I feel like I'm sacrificing my life for DP and his kids. I do care for them and mostly enjoy having them here, but I didn't quite realise they would take over my life as much as they do!!

He needs to formally request flexible working. If he’s Civil Service (apologies if not, I took that from the role being government based) they are one of the most flexible employers there are. I’ve worked in two different departments (what was the DSS and then IR) and people did late starts/early finishes/compressed hours.

My friend is an HEO and does a 4 day week and my DB used to do a 9 day fortnight. DB now can work around my DNs school times unless he has to be in for an early meeting, for example.

Id get him to put a request in ASAP. Oh and no way would I be doing childcare/drop offs/pick ups regularly for them anymore.

Because one day your ddogs will bite home and he will get his own way making his df get rid... Maybe hoping you will follow with your ddog... Df all to himself.... Job done. Maybe before the baby arrives and he is further down df's list.

@GlassCaseOfEmotions I genuinely think the behaviour to date is mild compared to what is to come. You have referenced a background of neglect. And if that is the case why on earth did their father not go to court get full custody?

I am very sorry but you really are not with a good person and adding in a Baby to this situation is only going to add more pressure and impact behaviour.

As a parent if my children were experiencing neglect I would take full custody and provide a stable non changing environment, because that is what good parents do, prioritise children's needs.

And op just to be clear, im fully supportive of you. I think your dp isnt making much effort to deal with the situation as you are there.

He was told more firmly that he wouldn't be allowed to continue playing if he was going to try and hurt her, to which he did the pouty face and proceeded to have a meltdown/ be rude to everyone for the rest of the party!
then what happened? I would have removed my child from the party if their behaviour didnt improve after trying to hurt another. What did your dp do? As for the rest of the party looks like he just watch the child get worse.

Are you very new to mumsnet? Surely you have read the step parent boards and didn't think it would all be lovely and playing happy families.
And if the youngest boy couldn't even wipe his own bottom until he was 6/7? then you had a clear indication that your DP is hardly 'dad of the year'. I don't believe you when you say none of it was obvious, I think you chose to ignore it in your desperation to have a child. Do you honestly think he'll be a good dad to your baby?
I don't know what the answer is apart from asking them all to move out .. as a PP said, he saw you coming, a lovely comfortable home, sex and a step mother for his DC.
I dread to think what your posts will be like in a few months ...

First of all, get a wedge for your door, easily as effective as a lock but unobtrusive so very much less dramatic than a key turning in a lock. Non dramatic solutions will always work better in this kind of supercharged atmosphere.

As a stepmother myself, I do recognise the situation where you naively make a change without realising all the ramifications. I would encourage you to seriously Consider going back to working contact around his shifts so that DP is always present when his DC are on the premises.

You can then agree together consequences for the really serious behaviour and let everything else slide. With your door wedged closed, and your DDogs in the office with you, you can leave DP to get on with things without you.

All the best, good luck xx

OP if I was in your shoes (and I was, many years ago), I’d arrange after mat leave to go work full time in the office. No more free childcare for the DSS and put your baby in a nursery from day 1. It will be the saving of your sanity until this feral family grow up. Or just leave.

If you stay, you need to take a huge step back. You are no-one’s substitute parent. You need to be the likeable but absent minded aunt figure and let the parents get on with their job. If their standards fall short of yours you need to accept that. You have decided to take on a parent role but now you feel aggrieved that the actual parents are gleefully leaving you to it. It is almost impossible to parent other people’s children when the parents have a different view of how parenting should work to how you see it, which is of course their right. So step back. No more lifts, no babysitting. Give the DSS a key so if you are out they can let themselves in. Whatever, they must just get on with it - and your DP needs to step in and pick up the slack.

@LutonBeds it was formally requested and rejected, on the grounds that the workforce for that specific role is small (5 people, front line work), 2 are already part time and to run in the manner the company requires they need a minimum number of staff on each shift/ rotation. So his options are suck it up or leave!

I’m sure without paying anything towards the mortgage he can afford to put kids in childcare? They’re at school so this would only be after school club/breakfast club.

@SusanKennedyshouldLTB we did leave shortly after. DS'S sat at a table and sulked/ was rude to anyone who approached. I can't say what DP did, as I went off to socialise and not have my day ruined by DSS.

I agree, I think I'm probably more invested in making changes/ making things work than the people who actually have that power/ influence!

Ah, I’d definitely have a talk though to your DP. He may have to change jobs/roles to participate in bringing up his children.

@Ragwort new to posting but have followed the boards for a while. Even whilst reading others stories, it doesn't prepare you for reality when everything turns on its head and life does a 360 overnight! I like reading true crime books, doesn't prepare me for what being murdered might be like... 🤔

There was of course some bratty/ bad behaviour but nothing to the extreme it has been recently. I didn't go in to this with rose tinted specs on, but have clearly been naive in some of my choices. Which I hold my hands up to.

Perhaps you could offer support and guidance rather than a superiority complex and judgement?

@LutonBeds I will definitely be having a chat with him and see what can be done. I'm aware he can move base location (although it isn't as easy at I've just made that sound!). However, that doesn't mean he will have more luck when it comes to flexible working. Sadly, he also wouldn't know if he's got a chance until he moved too, and then he would have to stay for a minimum term before moving again.

It's a very complicated service!!

@Nttttt after school clubs/ breakfast clubs is something I will be bringing up to him. I've got the figures for DSS7 school, although can't find anything for DSS12 school. Is this something they do for older children? Or do I need to look outside of the school for this?

The thing is op that parents make choices and changes all the time to assist and manage family life, from taking 3 months of Mat leave instead of 12 months, to a term time job: part time role instead of full time as that’s what is needed for children/family.

if your dh doesn’t parent fully then Life will be challenging for you and the children, and he also needs to manage his hours/ work as well as arrange childcare and navigate with ex.

he has to do these regardless of you or not.

it’s what parents do

school can provide support for the boys, get him to engage with school and explore extra support. Look at counselling for them.

you need to have strong words with dh as to his parenting and what is expected from you.

things are only going to get harder with a new baby, you being tired, not sleeping well, etc get him sorted now!

@Mercurysinretrograde I really wish I could work from the office. Sadly, it's 150 mile round trip. This would put a huge strain on me financially (fuel, dog walker, nursery etc) to do daily. However, I will be able to return to travelling for meetings following maternity leave, and I will no longer be planning around DSS's as I have been.

Any tips on how to do that without the kids feeling rejected? I definitely don't want them having a key and being here when I'm not. I can't even trust them when I go for a wee 🤣

The best decision you could make right now is to have your partner move out into his own residence and force him to parent his own children. He can stay with you when his ex has the children. As it is going now, this relationship is doomed. It is a pressure cooker of sadness, bad behaviour, lazy parenting and soon-to-be insurmountable resentment on your part for shouldering all of this mess.

The best thing you could ever do for those kids is to force your partner to be a proper father, because right now, and clearly for a very long time, he has been taking the absolute piss.

4 years ago there parents were splitting up and Less than 2 years together you've met them they moved in and your pregnant and clearly don't like them. You both haven't considered his dc in this at all. I was going to advise to leave as you don't seem cut out to be a step parent I couldn't do it but then read further your pregnant. This is a recipe for disaster.

But again this is YOU finding a solution. Not either parent.

there should be after school clubs for the 12 year old.

@Ilovethewild thank you. I agree, things have to operate almost as if I didn't exist. I have joked before saying 'what would you do without me?' (not about the kids, just in general!) but now I think it needs to be a more serious message and realisation for him.

I will ask him to reach out to the school for some additional support. I appreciate how difficult things are for kids in these situations, which I think is why I haven't rocked the boat and just got on with it. But it's making me stressed and miserable in the process!!

@PrimalOwl10 no where have I said I don't like my DSS's. Perhaps continue to read, very early on, and you'll see where I state I love them, sometimes can't stand them (or even myself. We are all human!!) and have provided the best I can for them. If I didn't care or like them, why in the hell would I be here asking for help and advice?!

@SusanKennedyshouldLTB thank you, you're right! I think it's just the way I am, trying to fix things and find solutions!!

I will tell my DP he needs to look in to these things and give him a deadline of when it needs to be sorted by!

The only way you can bring about change is set your own boundaries and stick to them.
Don't offer suggestions/alternatives, it's not your responsibility.
Clearly state you wont be doing school runs as you'll be establishing feeding/sleeping with a newborn, healing and resting.
You simply cannot have them in the house unless DP is there. You are unable to protect both the dogs and the baby alone. If their mum drops them on the doorstep then that's her choice, but you won't be there, able to care for them so dp will have to collect them/find care.
If they hurt the dogs they will not be allowed in the same room as the dogs moving forward. If they hurt the baby they'll not be allowed back in to the house. Make this very clear to them and dp.
Get locks on bedroom and work area door and lock yourself in/them out.
I'd be extremely careful and take the baby absolutely everywhere with me. The younger child sounds quite disturbed, not at all his fault due to the neglect from his parents but your first responsibility is to your child.
As for behaviour, simple, clear house rules would help and follow through on sanctions (WiFi/pocket money/game time/treats)if they don't listen.
Personally I'd think very carefully about whether DP is the best person to raise another child with. It doesn't sound like he did a particularly good job caring/protecting them or establishing a routine or any boundaries.

God OP this is tough, and I don't want to load on on top of the other PPs but this is all a bit of a mess of you and their parents making.

In the last 4 years these kids have lost their nuclear family, had Mums bf introduced and now living with them (?), met you and then moved in with you in less than 18 months and now you're pregnant so they'll have a sibling they didn't ask for to deal with and their dads 50% further cut because he'll now have another baby. And now the baby is on the way, there'll be further changes to their schedule because you and their dad didn't think this through properly. This is soooo much for young children to deal with, no wonder their behaviour is appalling.

In terms of what you can do to salvage the situation, definitely tell DP you're taking a step back, you're not doing school runs anymore, they are not to be at home when he is not at home, if they are to live in the house then these are the rules and agree on a system of discipline and consequences that are implemented all of the time, don't deal with any of this discipline, it's not your job or your place.

Your DP sounds pretty shit as well to be honest, you can blame the ex for her behaviour, but your DP has allowed the children to be in a home with their mother when their is serious concerns around neglect, he hasn't implemented any sort of meaningful discipline and is equally responsible for raising these boys to have terrible behaviour. I personally couldn't dream of procreating with such a crap parent, but you are where you are now and I hope for all of your sakes that ye can sort this out, it's only going to get worse and worse when the baby comes along.

What should you do, let me say it again. Leave.

if you leave now you have your dogs as they havnt bitten a child and needed to be destroyed

you have your home, also not destroyed by feral children

you have a job and maternity pay and no responsibility to look after anyone else’s children ( if you can’t see that both of these kids parents are seeing you sat at home for a year and absolutely no need for any other kind of child care, after all babies are dead easy to look after and portable for doing school runs )

you also have your sanity, and this will be destroyed by your partner and his first two children.

who was it who said that the most important thing you do is choose your children’s father ? All of us can see you have been blinded by ‘love’ and have chosen very very badly indeed.

start packing their stuff now