What do I do?!

[GlassCaseOfEmotions]

Long time lurker, first time poster!

I am 'step mum' (dad's partner, not married, using the term for ease) to 2 DSS'S (7 and 12). On the whole, lovely kids and generally easy to be around.

My dilemma is this:

• DSS7 is constantly pushing boundaries and rules with dad and I. It can be small things (moaning when asked to put shoes on) to bigger things like using swear words to abuse other family members (including the c word...). DSS7 gets angry and upset when asked to do just about anything or being told no!
• DSS7 is becoming nasty to my dogs. Pushing 1 off the sofa when they were sleeping and DSS had plenty of other seats to choose from. Rubbing their face all over the dogs when they're sleeping. Laughing and saying he wanted the other to bite him and then proceeded to blow in that dogs face, which caused the dog to snap (no contact made. Only blew once in the dogs face and then dog snapped). DSS's have been around dogs all their lives, and acknowledge they wouldn't behave like this with their mum or grandparents dogs
• DSS12 seems insistent on getting 1 over on DSS7 all the time. If DSS7 is told to stop doing something, DSS12 immediately chimes in with 'but I'm still allowed to aren't I?'. It's quite tedious and I'm at a point I'm ready to snap back, but for the minute manage to stay calm and reply 'no'
• DSS7 has constant meltdowns, at least once a day, over absolutely nothing. This can be because they've been asked to brush their teeth (never remember unless told), go for a poo (won't unless told. Couldn't wipe their own bum until 6 months ago!!), losing a game of Monopoly, being asked to do homework, dinner not being chicken nuggets and chips, being asked to use their fork, being asked to get dressed, being told no... You get the idea 🤣 they then proceed to hit dad/ DSS12, slam doors, throw things around, stamp their feet, cry hysterically and speak in the most squeaky voice imaginable. DSS makes a face if being calmly told their behaviour is not acceptable and, at that point, there's no point in continuing the conversation.
• DSS12 being constantly nosey and in my business all the time. I WFH and my work is highly sensitive in nature. I stay out the way of everyone else when I'm working due to this. DSS will just invite himself in to any room, plonk down and then either listen in or sit watching videos on his phone very loudly. Even if I ask DSS to leave the room, he will take a good 5 to 10 minutes to do so
• neither DSS have boundaries and respect for private space. I own the house we live in, and yet I never go in their bedroom. They are constantly in and out of the room DP and I share. If I tell them to leave, they are in 5 minutes later. This can even be DSS7 getting up at 7am on a weekend and coming in to see the dogs, or sitting outside the room and loudly calling the dogs to them!!
• DSS12 is awkward to be around. It hasn't always been this way. They've intelligent (not amazingly so, they won't lead any vital life saving research but they're academically capable) and quite funny. However, he flounces this in people's faces and acts superior. Conversations are strained as he just wants to spend the time making fun of his brother or speaking in riddles. DP and I both find this tiring.
• this is a DP problem and I'm aware of that, but need help on how to tackle it!! DP works shifts. School runs often fall to me. I am 24 weeks pregnant and have said I will struggle in another month or so to keep doing school runs. I've also said I don't want to spend my maternity leave running round after DSS's or entertaining them during the school holidays while DP is working. Whilst I appreciate they will be around a lot (we have them 50/50) and it will take a while to adjust, I also want it appreciated that this will be my first and only child and I want to use my time off to enjoy them and bond with them!

-ExW can be a nightmare. I am totally NC with her as I won't entertain her BS. When she drops the kids off and knows my DP is at work, she will just turn up when she feels like it rather than the time agreed with DP. She often drives off before I've answered the door, so I have no choice but to let the kids in. DP has told her numerous times that I am working and times are agreed in advance to cause the least disruption to my work. It always falls on deaf ears. She expects me to drop everything for the kids, even questioning why I couldn't go to a school event for DSS7 when she and DP couldn't make it. She then miraculously managed to go when she realised DSS would be on his own. She lies through her teeth, even saying she couldn't attend DSS7 school event due to work. When we collected a bag from her house after this event, she was drunk in the garden and had been out all day for her boyfriends birthday. No issue with that, just don't lie about it!!

How can I make any of this better?! I feel like I'm sacrificing my life for DP and his kids. I do care for them and mostly enjoy having them here, but I didn't quite realise they would take over my life as much as they do!!

@Namerequired dad and ExW had an agreement that worked around his shifts, but was 50/50. I said I wanted structure and it would be better for the kids, so it changed to set days.

I don't want any resentment to build and agree it's probably a lot very quickly. That's why I wanted to find out others experiences and tips, so that we can actually all return to the happier life we had before.

@randombloke15 thank you, and I absolutely agree with you!!

My DP has got it wrong more times than he's got it right, by his own admission! When I mentioned solely about DSS's mother, I had in mind specific incidents (not feeding them because she spent money on alcohol, prioritising her boyfriend, bringing up events they had found traumatic and taunting them about it meaning I was the shoulder to cry on etc etc. Areas where I had to step up and be that maternal figure in their lives). Everything else, I agree that he should have stepped up sooner. I can say he now has in the aspects I've listed, but not in all areas sadly.

Some things I certainly will and can tolerate. But when it becomes physical or disrespectful to the point of hurtful for ANYONE in the house, I can't turn a blind eye.

Was wondering how long it was going to take you to rip into the EW

So predictable

So boring

A bit like you bringing another child into this shit show

Christ I wish these 'step mums' would take a read at the step parenting board before they have the shock horror contraception fail. Yawn yawn yawn

@ludicrouslycapaciousbags Give your head a wobble.

Oh, and the baby was very much planned 😊

I hope your New Year is filled with happiness. Christ knows you need it based on that comment...

Letting your ddogs be abused is disgusting.. Kick them out. Or trust me you will be back here discussing pts when dss is bitten.

Even worse you planned to have a baby with someone you barely know...

Then drag 2 poor wee boys through it...

Now claim to be a better parent than their actual parents 😂

@Christmastreestillinonepiece to make it clear, I am straight away telling DSS's off when they do anything that's not acceptable to the dogs. Even if they say anything that's not nice. When the dog was pushed off the sofa, I was walking down the hall to the living room and it was the only time I've raised my voice to DSS7. When same DSS blew in the dogs face, he was told not to do it when making the comment about being bitten and laughing. He did it immediately after I warned him not to, and was sent to his room.

I do not allow my dogs to get abused by anyone and make it very clear what's acceptable. That doesn't mean DSS's always listen, but it's a boundary I have already set.

@ludicrouslycapaciousbags first day back at work is hard for all of us.

I'm sorry my posts are so close to home for you! 💐

Some things I certainly will and can tolerate. But when it becomes physical or disrespectful to the point of hurtful for ANYONE in the house, I can't turn a blind eye.

So you have your boundaries, now you've got to decide what the repercussions will be if those boundaries are repeatedly crossed, it is your home after all.

The rest you have zero control over, you can try and guide your DP into becoming a better parent, (not that you should need to) and hope that better parenting from him will improve the situation.
The exw you just need to put out of your mind, nothing to do with you.
Good luck and all the best.

@randombloke15 thank you. You're right, I think it's time to have more severe consequences (depending on behaviour) to reaffirm those boundaries.

I agree, no one should need to parent a parent! I am hopeful that setting an example might rub off on everyone.

ExW I do my best to distance myself from and not give head space to. It can be tricky at times but has already improved!

Thank you, I think I will need it 🤣

your DP needs to be there with the boys when he has them, I think you changing things because you want structure for the boys has backfired. Your the one who gets interrupted early through exw dropping them off early, your on your own with the boys and dogs are getting picked on. You will have to put your dog down if one bites your SS! You are struggling now so in a few months you won’t cope, best to change them coming when DP home now else they will associate the change with new baby. I would get a lock on your bedroom door so when you’re working they can’t come in and distract you and your dogs need keeping away from them.
if he sends one son to room and laughs, jokes about it with the other one is awful OP and just causes bad behaviour

If you don't want to do the part of the 50:50 care you helped rearrange to suit you, your DP is going to have to do what thousands of women do. Find a family friendly job, reduce hours, take unpaid leave.

Maybe before the baby arrives he can do some parenting courses, because apparently he doesn't understand toilet hygiene if he didn't bother teaching his first two DC. What the hell else has he failed on!

If you insist of keeping him around, rehome the dogs, you might be stopping the children's behaviour, but not quickly enough that it won't be traumatic for the dogs. I don't think in the circumstances it would be unexpected for them to snap at the DC or baby.

I can't understand deliberately planning a baby with a proven shit parent, in an already crappy situation.

If it was you who requested the contact schedule changed to set days, knowing your SO would be doing shift work, what was the plan supposed to be for the times he’s not in and you’re working from home?

Most of this sounds like annoying kids being annoying kids, but you do need some serious consequences for going in your room and annoying your dogs, which are implemented by your SO.

@Jamjaris I agree. I thought it would make life easier and it's actually made things so much harder!! I thought it was better than days/ nights around shifts, pick up for dinner and drop home the next morning etc. I can see now, of course, that was naive of me.

I've been very clear that, if the dogs are being harassed, DSS's won't be allowed to be around them any more without supervision as I'm not willing to risk them being PTS over stupidity and lack of respect. I'm at a loss as to why they do this with only my dogs, but don't display the same behaviour to other family members dogs?

We are already looking at sorting a lock for the bedroom door, so I will make sure this is done sooner than later.

I'll also talk to my DP tonight about changing the arrangement for DSS's coming over.

And finally, I agree. I've tried to explain to DP and DSS12 that this isn't kind or helpful.

@Grilly at the time, my DP was in a different role in the same job, which offered much more flexibility with shifts. DP has recently (as in, a month ago and unexpectedly) moved to a new role which offers less flexibility. Previously, I was doing maybe 1 pick up/ drop off a week. Now, I'm doing the majority.

I agree on the consequences.

@ludicrouslycapaciousbags good for you. Enjoy that perfect life you lead 😊

What do you do ?
leave, before your dogs react and bite the child.
leave, before puberty and hormones make these boys utterly impossible
leave, before these impossible boys hurt your new baby

leave, and run a very long way away so this useless man does not parent your child

'Prioritising her boyfriend'

So, exactly the same as your dp did by prioritising you above his boys, by getting you pregnant so blooming quickly despite surely knowing how that would feel to his young boys. That was selfish. He should have waited till they were more settled with you.

The problem as I see it op, is that you have your dp on a pedestal, for some utterly unfathomable reason. You seem kind, tolerant and giving, all lovely traits. He has shown himself to be a crap parent so far, and you defend, defend, defend him,

@lunar1 my partner had a much more flexible role until a month ago. The 50/50 structured arrangement suited both of us until then. It was an unexpected role change and we've just had to go with it.

It's only DSS7 who has had toilet issues, both mum and dad being responsible for this. DSS12, although leaves many a skid mark in the toilet, has been perfectly capable since a young age to my knowledge.

DP and DSS's will go before the dogs do. They are both very placid dogs, but will only tolerate so much. Neither DSS are allowed or get away with harassing them. Given how bonded the dogs are to me (won't even eat if I'm not in the room, even when my parents look after them if I have a F2F meeting), it would be far more traumatic to rehome them in my opinion.

Our situation wasn't crappy until recently. This behaviour has only shown itself/ escalated in the last month or so.

Do you feel confident that your partner will be a better parent to your baby than he has been to his first two children? You describe him not teaching the younger one to wipe his own arse; him joining the older one in mocking the younger one when he is sent to his room etc; various things that are really quite harrowing to read to be honest.

I think I would be considering leaving and raising the child on my own.

The mother failing to feed her kids and spending the money on alcohol instead is of course completely awful - but can I ask how you know of this? Not trying to be horrible at all, but it is a common trait of abusive men to lie and denigrate their exes.....

And your partner does sound abusive, to his kids at least, from what you describe. His merely giving a nod of his head when you discuss massively important things with him also, while maybe not quite classing as abuse, is disrespectful and degrading to you in the extreme, I would have thought....

It's sometimes not easy to see when we are being abused and mistreated. Believe me, I have been there too, and have nothing but sympathy - for you, the poor kids, and potentially the ex-w, who may not be nearly the monster she has been portrayed as to you......

Why would you plan a baby with a man who’s 7 year old has only just learned to wipe his own Butt? Or cracks open his brothers head with game controllers? Especially after not trialling living together/the impact it would have on the boys and you too?

I’m sorry but he seems like a pretty lazy parent and has dumped these kids on you a little bit (I think it’s a vision of what’s to come!!) Maybe that’s why the ex wife if so hostile to you both - she probably had the same issue when they were together and now she’s trying to screw him a little bit.

Where has a 7 year old learned the C word from too? And to know its meaning and use it? Sounds like your DP and ex do not know how to parent very well.

I feel sorry for you OP as you may have been duped by this man into making his life a little bit easier - now you’re tied to him with a child. He needs to sort out his children first - after school and breakfast clubs need to be arranged.

Maybe you need to arrange a meet up with ex wife and discuss with her how she would be comfortable with you parenting. If she’s not willing to give you control as a parent then you drop all parental duties, not your problem. Just try and be a support in a kind way to the kids and leave the parents to do the hard stuff.

@arethereanyleftatall sorry, how has he prioritised me above his kids? I am genuinely curious how you've come to that conclusion.

I don't know how much longer we could have waited to let them settle? Neither of us are young, both DSS's chose the role I played in their lives and nothing was ever forced on them. Did we expect I would get pregnant on the first try? No, absolutely not given my medical history. We thought and were told by Dr's it would be a long road. Given our ages, we wanted to start sooner than later to minimise the risk of having to go through IVF.

Of course there are.certain things I will defend him on. There's other I can't and won't. That doesn't mean he's on a pedastal. I certainly wouldn't want it to come across that way.

How is your DP going to change the arrangements for his DC again so soon? It's not his EX's responsibility to go with his whims.

As for the dogs, you are presuming you will know when a line has been crossed with the DC, the dogs might have very different opinions on this. You are the only advocate they have, you have tolerated shocking behaviour towards them, and will be the culpable adult if they bite back and are destroyed.

DP needs a new job then, or to arrange childcare. How long are you taking for maternity? If this isn’t sorted ASAP you’ll end up picking up all the slack for SC and bitterly regretting that half your bonding time with your baby was spent parenting other people’s kids.