What do I do?!

[GlassCaseOfEmotions]

Long time lurker, first time poster!

I am 'step mum' (dad's partner, not married, using the term for ease) to 2 DSS'S (7 and 12). On the whole, lovely kids and generally easy to be around.

My dilemma is this:

• DSS7 is constantly pushing boundaries and rules with dad and I. It can be small things (moaning when asked to put shoes on) to bigger things like using swear words to abuse other family members (including the c word...). DSS7 gets angry and upset when asked to do just about anything or being told no!
• DSS7 is becoming nasty to my dogs. Pushing 1 off the sofa when they were sleeping and DSS had plenty of other seats to choose from. Rubbing their face all over the dogs when they're sleeping. Laughing and saying he wanted the other to bite him and then proceeded to blow in that dogs face, which caused the dog to snap (no contact made. Only blew once in the dogs face and then dog snapped). DSS's have been around dogs all their lives, and acknowledge they wouldn't behave like this with their mum or grandparents dogs
• DSS12 seems insistent on getting 1 over on DSS7 all the time. If DSS7 is told to stop doing something, DSS12 immediately chimes in with 'but I'm still allowed to aren't I?'. It's quite tedious and I'm at a point I'm ready to snap back, but for the minute manage to stay calm and reply 'no'
• DSS7 has constant meltdowns, at least once a day, over absolutely nothing. This can be because they've been asked to brush their teeth (never remember unless told), go for a poo (won't unless told. Couldn't wipe their own bum until 6 months ago!!), losing a game of Monopoly, being asked to do homework, dinner not being chicken nuggets and chips, being asked to use their fork, being asked to get dressed, being told no... You get the idea 🤣 they then proceed to hit dad/ DSS12, slam doors, throw things around, stamp their feet, cry hysterically and speak in the most squeaky voice imaginable. DSS makes a face if being calmly told their behaviour is not acceptable and, at that point, there's no point in continuing the conversation.
• DSS12 being constantly nosey and in my business all the time. I WFH and my work is highly sensitive in nature. I stay out the way of everyone else when I'm working due to this. DSS will just invite himself in to any room, plonk down and then either listen in or sit watching videos on his phone very loudly. Even if I ask DSS to leave the room, he will take a good 5 to 10 minutes to do so
• neither DSS have boundaries and respect for private space. I own the house we live in, and yet I never go in their bedroom. They are constantly in and out of the room DP and I share. If I tell them to leave, they are in 5 minutes later. This can even be DSS7 getting up at 7am on a weekend and coming in to see the dogs, or sitting outside the room and loudly calling the dogs to them!!
• DSS12 is awkward to be around. It hasn't always been this way. They've intelligent (not amazingly so, they won't lead any vital life saving research but they're academically capable) and quite funny. However, he flounces this in people's faces and acts superior. Conversations are strained as he just wants to spend the time making fun of his brother or speaking in riddles. DP and I both find this tiring.
• this is a DP problem and I'm aware of that, but need help on how to tackle it!! DP works shifts. School runs often fall to me. I am 24 weeks pregnant and have said I will struggle in another month or so to keep doing school runs. I've also said I don't want to spend my maternity leave running round after DSS's or entertaining them during the school holidays while DP is working. Whilst I appreciate they will be around a lot (we have them 50/50) and it will take a while to adjust, I also want it appreciated that this will be my first and only child and I want to use my time off to enjoy them and bond with them!

-ExW can be a nightmare. I am totally NC with her as I won't entertain her BS. When she drops the kids off and knows my DP is at work, she will just turn up when she feels like it rather than the time agreed with DP. She often drives off before I've answered the door, so I have no choice but to let the kids in. DP has told her numerous times that I am working and times are agreed in advance to cause the least disruption to my work. It always falls on deaf ears. She expects me to drop everything for the kids, even questioning why I couldn't go to a school event for DSS7 when she and DP couldn't make it. She then miraculously managed to go when she realised DSS would be on his own. She lies through her teeth, even saying she couldn't attend DSS7 school event due to work. When we collected a bag from her house after this event, she was drunk in the garden and had been out all day for her boyfriends birthday. No issue with that, just don't lie about it!!

How can I make any of this better?! I feel like I'm sacrificing my life for DP and his kids. I do care for them and mostly enjoy having them here, but I didn't quite realise they would take over my life as much as they do!!

I just read that your dog's won't eat if you aren't in the room. You need to get a behaviourist to work with you on that or they are at risk if, for example, you need a long hospital stay when you have the baby.

If they are so excessively attached to you I would suggest there are also potential problems ahead when you actually have the baby. That's not a healthy attachment you are describing in your dogs at all.

I also note that you would rather split up with your partner than re-home the dogs. What on earth are you doing with him then?

Move on, have your baby on your own, and maybe one day meet someone nice you will prize above an animal.

(And I love my dog too. But he's a dog - I don't love him more than the people I love).

Honestly OP I have two dogs, your Dss is pushing boundaries that could end up with him scarred for life and a dog being put down or rehomed.
You won’t be able to look after a newborn, two dogs and two stepsons who are pushing boundaries now let alone when you start to show/ baby is born as obviously the jealousy will get worse as baby will have a full time dad whilst they get him 50 % well less than that if your doing most of it.
As lovely as the idea of structure for the boys is they need their dad to be there, he is meant to be looking after them. You need to change it back

@Ilovelurchers yes and no. In some respects, I expect things will carry on the same way (wanting to be their mate, lack of consequences) but this is why I have reached out so that I can set a better example as a parent and give that standard to live up to that I expect. If not, I can do it on my own no questions asked.

I know of this as, when we first got together, she was actually quite amicable and nice to me. There were times I would sit and chat with her in the house when we would pick the kids up. And then the calls from DSS12 would come saying they hadn't eaten for days. When I would ask why not, they would tell me mummy and her boyfriend had gone to the shop for wine instead. When we would pick DSS's up, there would be bottles everywhere and some mouldy food on the kitchen side/ table. Both DSS's have also told me of some horrific things that their mother has done. DP rarely talks about their life together in detail, and I've always been clear I won't tolerate him speaking badly of her given things must have been good to have 2 kids and stay together for so long! I actually went NC with her when she tried to attack me in a drunken rage, and was then verbally abusive about me every time DP had any communication with her.

Why does your DP have them 50/50 ID he's not around to look after them. If he's not there the kids shouldn't be, they're either with their mum, dad or paid chilscare. If I were you I wouldn't be doing any school runs or looking after them, if you do you'll not get the maternity leave you wanted.

An easily predictable disaster that has resulted from adults making entirely selfish choices.

A dime a dozen on MN, sadly.

@Aquamarine1029 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼

I have two dogs who follow me from room to room and won’t eat if I’m not there too. They are medium sized companion dogs and that’s what the breed of dog they are known to be like.
I can’t understand why OP is getting slated, she is just asking advice. Her stepsons are struggling as most kids do when parents divorce and she is genuinely trying her best.

@Jamjaris any ideas on how to approach this subject with DP/ ExW? Obviously I'm aware it's me (and DP) rocking the boat and already know there will be backlash from ExW if arrangements are changed again.

The last thing I ever wanted was to be chopping and changing when it comes to DSS's. The need stability and structure, and unfortunately we just can't provide it in the same way since DPs role change at work.

You are far too involved in the children's lifes, your dp sounds useless and I'm not sure why you think he will be decent father to your dc. If I were you I would step back and leave the parenting of the dc to their parents. My own dc have had my dp in their lifes for over a decade (since pre-school), they have a lovely relationship but he has never disciplined or parented them (and they only have one parent as their df is dead).

@Jamjaris thank you, honestly. The slating I can take (some of it is very much a reflection of other people, looking at you @Aquamarine1029 and @ludicrouslycapaciousbags )

My dogs are small/ medium breeds and the breeds are known as velco dogs. They're also known to be extremely docile and family orientated. They've been around babies and children, of all different ages, and when I have been present. Never once have they displayed any jealousy/ aggressive behaviour.

They are dogs, and like people have limits. I've made it clear I'm not willing to see where that limit is for it to go beyond a warning snap.

I would be truthful with DP about how much of a struggle it is and say you realise the structure they need is dad to be there when they are at yours. I would explain that as your pregnancy advances you are going to be less able to cope too and you’re scared for the dogs being teased picked on.
His exw is going to play up no matter what happens so balls to her.

@DaphneMoo I have felt, especially recently, that I am far too involved. More involved than their own parents, which has recently been a realisation when their own mother expected me to take time off work when she apparently couldn't!!

I now need help on how to take a huge leap back from this situation, for my own sanity but without shunning anyone in the process.

@Jamjaris thank you, that is really helpful. DP is finishing a long shift shortly. While I want this nipped in the bud, I think it's best to wait until he isn't tired from work/ we don't have DSS's around so it can be spoken about calmly and constructively.

Thank you for all of your help and advice, and for understanding.

Can I ask who made the decision for your DP to change roles? Was it his choice or did his company tell him he had to change to this less flexible role?

I'm glad you feel sorry for 2 kids that have the world provided to them by a caring SM; who is the only 1 in 7 years to invest time in to teaching a child to use a fork, wipe their own bum, who attends 99% of their school events (when their own parents can't be bothered to!)

And this is the parent you have chosen as the father your child?

@LutonBeds it was the company who told him that the role would be changed. He did try and push back on this, and has tried to put in for flexible working etc. His only options are to swap with another employee within the same role, which isn't easy as there's only a handful of them and others have their own lives/ commitments too.

He has been in the company for nearly 20 years. It isn't a role that can be changed to a competitor company to make things easier either. It is Government only based. Given his age, it would be difficult to retrain and earn the same salary as he does now doing something else.

I'm sorry but why on earth did you choose to get pregnant with this man? You're parenting all of his children!

@Whattodo112222 because I was already between 18 and 20 weeks pregnant when these issues started. I wasn't to know his job would change, my responsibilities to his DS's would increase and that DSS's behaviour would escalate in the space of maximum 6 weeks!!

Sadly, we can't predict the future. But if I can make changes now, perhaps I can at least influence it.

You're an absolute mug, op.

you've been with your boyfriend under two years. Youve lived together for only five months. and you’re six months pregnant. Youve rushed into this massively. And you are clearly seeing what poor parenting your boyfriend is doing.

this is a DP problem and I'm aware of that, but need help on how to tackle it!! DP works shifts. School runs often fall to me. (we have them 50/50)
Stop that. If he wants 50/50 he needs to facilitate 50/50. What did he do before he moved into your house? Where did he live before he moved into your house?

@SusanKennedyshouldLTB as I said in a PP, neither us or medical professionals expected me to fall pregnant so quickly. The risk of it even happening naturally was slim!

How do I now stop that? That's my question!

He had 50/50 around his shifts. Job role changed a month ago, so this wasn't an issue until then. He lived on his own.

I think it's messy.

The children are probably upset about acquiring a sibling. It doesn't mean they won't love him or her, but it represents yet another change. I don't know how long their Mum's partner/boyfriend has been around, but that's yet another upheaval.

The dogs will probably be upset by the arrival of a baby too.

The routines to do with care for the stepchildren will be changed again when the baby arrives.

And, if the two boys aren't behaving considerately around the dogs, it can't be guaranteed that they will be that brilliant with a baby - e.g. - they won't be quiet because there's a nap going on, or they will carry on quarrelling even if raised voices/slammed doors are upsetting.

It doesn't sound as if you've had long to 'blend' as a household, or as if your partner is a particularly consistent Dad. I think it's always difficult for a split couple to continue to collaborate about matters to do with parenting - they may not have collaborated well to start with. So you're involved with two children who just don't know where the boundaries are, because they're getting different, and inconsistent, messages from all the significant adults in their life.

I think a lot depends on your partner's willingness to change his work routine, and his ability to set appropriate, consistent boundaries.

Honestly everyone is taking you for a fool. I honestly think you need to be the firmest you can be.

You're not married so you are not their step parent. Stop calling yourself that. Stop acting like it. He needs telling you cannot be the one doing drop offs and pick ups and parenting of his children. You are not the nanny. He needs to find a solution that is not you.

I don't think 50/50 is at all fair to these kids.

I'm at a loss as to why they do this with only my dogs, but don't display the same behaviour to other family members dogs?

It's because they don't respect you, your space or your "things", children are very intuitive, they've watched their dad treat you in a disrespectful manner by shifting his parental responsibility on to you and they are behaving accordingly.

It should be made very clear to the kids that you are not there to do the daily parenting tasks, that is their dad's responsibility.
Of course you will do things for the step kids because you're a good person, but it should not be an expectation. The kids need to see this.

I'm sorry but you are allowing yourself to be treated in a disrespectful manner by your DP and then wondering why his kids are doing the same.

Oh dear, he really saw you coming. He's living rent free in your house with you doing all the school runs/parenting. Why oh why did you have a child with him when he has shown himself to be an absolutely useless parent.
I would make plans to get them out of your house unless you want your child to turn out like his brats. This is soooooooooooooo not normal behavior and mine are not angels by any stretch
People will encourage you to stay as they feel sorry for his kids but they have two parents, albeit useless and they are not your responsibility