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Step-parenting

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Original poster

SD wakes her mother up every night and we're both exhausted

171 replies

Mtjscott · 29/12/2023 01:52

My girlfriend (40) and I (M26) moved in together at the start of November. We have her daughter 5 days out of the week. And since moving into the new house together, I can count on my hand the amount of nights that me and my gf have slept on in the same bed for a full night.

Like clockwork, 15 mins after my girlfriend's head hits the pillow, her daughter (9yo) will come into the room and complain that she can't get to sleep.

We start the bed time routine at 7:30 / 8 on a weekend. Shower, hair brush, teeth, cream for exma on, noise machine and night light on and mummy sits with and cuddles her then she's off to sleep.
We leave the landing lamp on just in case.

When we first moved she was up and down the stairs until we'd go to bed. And often my girlfriend would just disappear when called and I wouldn't see her again until the morning.

After the first month we managed to get her to stay in bed. But as I have said, it's like she has some magic 6th sense. We could be in bed, talking and cuddling and then as soon as my girlfriend closes her eyes, 15-20 mins later, she would come in and wake her up with "I can't sleep". Even though she has been flat out snoring in bed up until then.

And she won't go to sleep until her mother either goes to sleep with her or at least strokes her hair until she falls asleep at which point my girlfriend is shattered and sleeping in the same bed anyway.

There have been three occasions in which her daughter has ended up in our bed sleeping with us. Usually as my girlfriend has, whilst half asleep, just lifted up the covers and let her in. Each time I have put my foot down for all the obvious reasons. That can't be allowed to happen.

It has set me on edge every night and I can't get to sleep because I'm listening to every creak and noise dreading that the next one will be her coming in to disturb us.

I'm extremely frustrated because my girlfriend is exhausted and is constantly tired. Her daughter scratches, kicks and grabs in her sleep and my gf doesn't sleep well at all when in the same bed.

And it's killed any intimacy we have in our relationship because we can't get a minute to ourselves. Any day we do have together without SD is spent trying to catch up on lost sleep or jobs we couldn't do because she needs her mother to sleep.

Before I started to stay over, they slept in the same bed at their old house. However, I've been staying at their house on a regular basis, sometimes a week or more at a time, a year now. She has had her bedtime routine pretty much together.

We knew it would be a struggle for her with mood and sleep moving into her new house but I can't seem to help or change anything and it's killing me.

It doesn't help that when my gf and her ex split, he moved into a caravan with a tiny room for their daughter. So instead of sleeping in her own room whilst at her dad's, they sleep in the same bed and don't plan to change that as far as I'm aware.

I don't want to insert myself into their relationship or tell my girlfriend or her ex how to parent but I don't think this is healthy at all.

I've had several conversations about it during the day with my girlfriend voicing my concerns but my frustrations about her lack of sleep just get palmed off with a "don't worry about it. I'm used to it". And the fact that she is still leaving our bed to sleep with her daughter is responded to with "we knew this was going to be an issue and it will take time, we just need to get her skin better and then things will get better". "I'm her comfort blanket and she needs me right now".

But what if her skin doesn't get better? Why are we jumping to the nuclear option of her sleeping with her every night without question or chance of change?

And trying to reason with my gf at night when it happens is a no go because she half asleep and I usually just get a kiss "don't worry about it" and she leaves the room.

Don't get me wrong. I completley empathise with SD. It's all a big change to a place she isn't used to and the skin condition is hard to deal with to boot.

I just can't stand the lack of sleep and lack of intimacy or closeness, as well as the change in mood due to tiredness/frustration in our relationship now without having a plan to fix it.
I can't keep pushing it off and saying it will change eventually and pinning it on an arbitrary "when she gets better" date because who knows when that will be. And when I suggest putting her to bed and coming back, or telling her to go to bed without leaving. Or working up to that I'm shot down.

I'm pulling my hair out here. I just want the best for everyone. Please, any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
ShippingNews · 29/12/2023 02:01

I don't think it's going to change any time soon. SD sleeps with her father (!) and until last year she slept with her mother all the time. So for 8 years she has never slept alone . Both her parents have contributed to this situation unfortunately.

I've no doubt that she does sleep when she first goes to bed, then she wakes momentarily as we all do ....and out of habit she goes to her mother's bed. It seems that her mother is actually fine with this - so it will continue .

My only advice is that you will either have to put up with it for an infinite amount of time, or make plans to break up with your girlfriend and move on. Good luck.

BalletBob · 29/12/2023 02:04

I mean it sounds like the little girl and her mother are both happy with the way things are. Her mother doesn't see any need to address it at the moment and prefers to be led by her daughter's needs. Everyone has their own opinion on kids sleeping habits but ultimately you aren't in a position to make any changes. This is the way it is. You can either accept it or move on.

penjil · 29/12/2023 02:07

No advice on the child's behaviour, but advice on the spelling.

It's spelt 'eczema'.....not 'exma'.

👍

WavingCatsandDogs · 29/12/2023 02:12

What did you expect? parents separated, she wants her Mum. My kids were the same, it is human. You've taken on a family mate, your knob comes second best.

Torchdino · 29/12/2023 02:12

The reality of moving into a household with a mother and child to be honest. Sure its important to set boundaries with children, but mum is happy and whilst your wants and needs are important too, they'll never trump her daughters. You could speak more seriously about a compromise but honestly did you not consider the realities of living with a child?

KittytheHare · 29/12/2023 02:14

There’s a massive age difference between you both, and this will never work out. Just leave, for your sake and everyone else’s. Poor little girl tho, this is literally not her fault.

BootsByTheBed · 29/12/2023 02:18

🙄

junebirthdaygirl · 29/12/2023 02:22

It's actually quite regular for dc to want to sleep in their parents bed and some are more attached to it than others. But they do grow out of it. There is huge upheaval for this girl having a new man in her mums life and her having to accept all the change that brings. If she was your own dd you wouldn't be affected by all this as the natural bond would be there.
Saying that l couldn't imagine my young adult son taking on all this responsibility at 26 so l think you need to really think is this the right relationship for you. The little ones needs come first so maybe keeping your own place and only staying over a few times is the best solution to getting proper sleep and to the little one being comfortable in her own home. Or ending the relationship as its not working for you.

CuriousGeorge80 · 29/12/2023 02:24

Can’t see why you aren’t getting any sleep or are tired? How is it impacting you other than not getting laid?

DrJump · 29/12/2023 02:24

Children are children for a long time. They slowly change. It's not even two month and you are worried about forever. Two full on months too. Christmas and holidays and a new person in the house. Of course she wants mum for comfort and safety. With most sleep stuff with kids you either spend a lot of time and energy making them change or you wait it out. Maybe your partner finds the wait it out approach easier. I know I do.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/12/2023 02:25

We knew it would be a struggle for her with mood and sleep moving into her new house but I can't seem to help or change anything and it's killing me.

It's been less than two months. That's a nanosecond in parenting.

You're young, your GF is an older mum. Incompatibilities were going to show up. You've probably both hand-waved them away. Here's where you get to find out if the relationship is worth it.

SALWARP2023 · 29/12/2023 02:25

I agree this is a little ott for a 9 year old. By 10 my kids putt themselves to bed. Just needing a quick check on and kiss goodnight. SD is acting like a 5 year old tbh. That said if she is away 2 nights a week that time should be spent reconnting and not doing chores. I suspect your gf is using SD to avoid intimacy. I agree with the other post that your relationship is unlikely to last and I recommend you move on.

CanImakethisbetter · 29/12/2023 02:30

Yeah kids can be a pain.

and some people may not agree with how the parent chooses to deal with it.

Doesn’t mean either the parent or the non parent is right though.

I have always said to anyone, that is going into a step parenting role that if you don’t like how partner parents do live with them. It’s that simple.

Though I suspect I know where this thread is going.

Hamsterinaball · 29/12/2023 03:00

I couldn't put up with this. A 9 year old shouldn't be sharing a bed with any parents. The odd night if unwell yes, of course but this sounds like pure habit and basically she isn't settling until she knows she can sleep with mum.
The girls mother should be encouraging her to sleep in her own bed! I take it you didn't know about this before moving in together? If I was you I'd be back out the door.

rwalker · 29/12/2023 03:04

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user1492757084 · 29/12/2023 03:14

Options ..
You leave.

Put a simple lock on your SD door and install a baby monitor and always have your GF go into her daughter's room not vice versa, never to share a bed but to comfort back to sleep and then leave and lock.

Decide for GF to sleep every second night with you - then you get every second night a full uninterupted sleep.

newfriend05 · 29/12/2023 03:16

OP I think your getting a hard time here .. she's 9 she should be sleeping in her own bed .. the sleeping arrangements with her dad , I agree needs to change, sounds like both parents are treating her like a baby give it more time tho as it's still very early days .. and your age gap has nothing to do with this .. however I do think your both at different stages of life and this will become more apparent

CanOfGerms · 29/12/2023 03:18

A lock?!!! No!

huggyhoo · 29/12/2023 03:21

Do not lock your SD in her room. Un-fucking-believable advice

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/12/2023 03:22

CanOfGerms · 29/12/2023 03:18

A lock?!!! No!

Quite. Insane post. For everyone, ever... don't put locks on children's doors unless it is vital for their safety. Vital, as in tried literally everything else.

BTW I was a social worker and I work inside people's homes now and would report to social services if I saw locks on children's doors. Especially with a new stepfather involved.

PeekABoo22 · 29/12/2023 03:44

Could her mam try giving her a hoody or t-shirt so DD has her mother's scent at night? I know a little girl who struggled at night and this worked. Ultimately there is feck all you can do until mam decides its time to change the habit! Stressful on everyone involved. Best of luck

Whataretheodds · 29/12/2023 03:47

How long had you been together?

Your GF is right that you knew her daughter co-sleeps and that was unlikely to change when you moved in. She's used to it, she and her mum seem happy with it plus she's got an added incentive to assert her territory over yours.

MindHowYouGoes · 29/12/2023 04:02

You’re only 26…I’d leave and find someone without children to go and have fun with. The child needs her mum right now, whatever that looks like, and with time this would likely all stop. You putting pressure on isn’t going to help.

MistletoeRegrets · 29/12/2023 04:10

This child doesn’t want you there.

To be frank I cannot think of many things worse for a girl at or approaching puberty than having a strange man in the house. (Strange as in unrelated, even if not actually a stranger.)

It is blatantly clear from her behaviour that she is uneasy with your position in the house. Just at the point where she should be emerging into herself she is actually regressing in her behaviour.

And on top of that she has no personal space at her father’s home?

Poor girl.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 29/12/2023 04:11

This is a big change for a 9 year old I think they are being selfish, they used to sleep in a bed together now there is a new partner she is meant to suddenly sleep on her own

Set the 9 year olds room with a double bed and if the 9 year old needs to co sleep your DP goes in there so it doesn’t disturb your sleep.

You have 2 nights a week where you will sleep next to each other and the 9 year old will adjust and grow out of it soon… You moved in with a woman with a child you need to be adaptable to this being a big change in this girls life not the other way around

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