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Step-parenting

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Original poster

SD wakes her mother up every night and we're both exhausted

171 replies

Mtjscott · 29/12/2023 01:52

My girlfriend (40) and I (M26) moved in together at the start of November. We have her daughter 5 days out of the week. And since moving into the new house together, I can count on my hand the amount of nights that me and my gf have slept on in the same bed for a full night.

Like clockwork, 15 mins after my girlfriend's head hits the pillow, her daughter (9yo) will come into the room and complain that she can't get to sleep.

We start the bed time routine at 7:30 / 8 on a weekend. Shower, hair brush, teeth, cream for exma on, noise machine and night light on and mummy sits with and cuddles her then she's off to sleep.
We leave the landing lamp on just in case.

When we first moved she was up and down the stairs until we'd go to bed. And often my girlfriend would just disappear when called and I wouldn't see her again until the morning.

After the first month we managed to get her to stay in bed. But as I have said, it's like she has some magic 6th sense. We could be in bed, talking and cuddling and then as soon as my girlfriend closes her eyes, 15-20 mins later, she would come in and wake her up with "I can't sleep". Even though she has been flat out snoring in bed up until then.

And she won't go to sleep until her mother either goes to sleep with her or at least strokes her hair until she falls asleep at which point my girlfriend is shattered and sleeping in the same bed anyway.

There have been three occasions in which her daughter has ended up in our bed sleeping with us. Usually as my girlfriend has, whilst half asleep, just lifted up the covers and let her in. Each time I have put my foot down for all the obvious reasons. That can't be allowed to happen.

It has set me on edge every night and I can't get to sleep because I'm listening to every creak and noise dreading that the next one will be her coming in to disturb us.

I'm extremely frustrated because my girlfriend is exhausted and is constantly tired. Her daughter scratches, kicks and grabs in her sleep and my gf doesn't sleep well at all when in the same bed.

And it's killed any intimacy we have in our relationship because we can't get a minute to ourselves. Any day we do have together without SD is spent trying to catch up on lost sleep or jobs we couldn't do because she needs her mother to sleep.

Before I started to stay over, they slept in the same bed at their old house. However, I've been staying at their house on a regular basis, sometimes a week or more at a time, a year now. She has had her bedtime routine pretty much together.

We knew it would be a struggle for her with mood and sleep moving into her new house but I can't seem to help or change anything and it's killing me.

It doesn't help that when my gf and her ex split, he moved into a caravan with a tiny room for their daughter. So instead of sleeping in her own room whilst at her dad's, they sleep in the same bed and don't plan to change that as far as I'm aware.

I don't want to insert myself into their relationship or tell my girlfriend or her ex how to parent but I don't think this is healthy at all.

I've had several conversations about it during the day with my girlfriend voicing my concerns but my frustrations about her lack of sleep just get palmed off with a "don't worry about it. I'm used to it". And the fact that she is still leaving our bed to sleep with her daughter is responded to with "we knew this was going to be an issue and it will take time, we just need to get her skin better and then things will get better". "I'm her comfort blanket and she needs me right now".

But what if her skin doesn't get better? Why are we jumping to the nuclear option of her sleeping with her every night without question or chance of change?

And trying to reason with my gf at night when it happens is a no go because she half asleep and I usually just get a kiss "don't worry about it" and she leaves the room.

Don't get me wrong. I completley empathise with SD. It's all a big change to a place she isn't used to and the skin condition is hard to deal with to boot.

I just can't stand the lack of sleep and lack of intimacy or closeness, as well as the change in mood due to tiredness/frustration in our relationship now without having a plan to fix it.
I can't keep pushing it off and saying it will change eventually and pinning it on an arbitrary "when she gets better" date because who knows when that will be. And when I suggest putting her to bed and coming back, or telling her to go to bed without leaving. Or working up to that I'm shot down.

I'm pulling my hair out here. I just want the best for everyone. Please, any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
StepAwayFromGoogling · 29/12/2023 09:11

Why shouldn't GF co-sleep with her daughter? I do not understand the MN obsession with making kids sleep alone. There is nothing but positive evidence of the benefits of co-sleeping and it's so normalised in other cultures.

ballsdeep · 29/12/2023 09:15

penjil · 29/12/2023 02:07

No advice on the child's behaviour, but advice on the spelling.

It's spelt 'eczema'.....not 'exma'.

👍

Well you win the award for the most pointless post on this thread! 🤦‍♀️

Mumtime2 · 29/12/2023 09:16

MistletoeRegrets · 29/12/2023 04:10

This child doesn’t want you there.

To be frank I cannot think of many things worse for a girl at or approaching puberty than having a strange man in the house. (Strange as in unrelated, even if not actually a stranger.)

It is blatantly clear from her behaviour that she is uneasy with your position in the house. Just at the point where she should be emerging into herself she is actually regressing in her behaviour.

And on top of that she has no personal space at her father’s home?

Poor girl.

I am sure they have been in a relationship for some time now and not just met and moved it.
Gosh, imagine a mother being in a new relationship and the child will have to accept mums world does not revolve around parenting only.
A 9 yr old should be sent back to her bed and if she claims she can not sleep by some melatonin online.
🤣

opalescent · 29/12/2023 09:17

maddiemookins16mum · 29/12/2023 09:01

You won’t get a reasonable answer on here for many reasons I’m afraid.

Why? You’re a male. Also, MN are obsessed with co-sleeping and any kind of adult relationship takes 2nd place when co-sleeping is concerned.

I don't think this is necessarily fair. My daughter still comes into our bed, and we are trying everything under the sun to change this. But that is in the context of a stable and healthy marriage, where she lives with both parents.
If I split up with her dad, and moved a 26 year old boyfriend in, I can imagine her night time needs would become more pressing.

opalescent · 29/12/2023 09:18

I should just add- no judgement in terms of not living with both parents- I also have a son from a previous relationship! But the issues around this little girls sleep are very likely linked to the massive changes in her life. And her eczema!

Asifiwouldnt · 29/12/2023 09:19

penjil · 29/12/2023 02:07

No advice on the child's behaviour, but advice on the spelling.

It's spelt 'eczema'.....not 'exma'.

👍

You really want to be this kind of person?

Anewuser · 29/12/2023 09:30

There’s no way this relationship will last. A 26 year old bloke wants sex, the 40 year old woman prefers sleeping with her daughter.

A nine year old should not be sleeping with either parent unless ill or some kind of special need.

DO NOT lock the child in - what happens if there’s a fire, apart from anything else.

Time to move on, mate.

MistletoeRegrets · 29/12/2023 09:32

Actually, for anyone without a specific reading / learning difficulty, I would think it problematic if they were unfamiliar with the spelling of a condition affecting a child in the family.

It would certainly suggest the adult has undertaken no research into the condition - which would not be reassuring or responsible.

But here it could easily have been a typo or a careless mistake, so …

Spidey66 · 29/12/2023 09:34

user1492757084 · 29/12/2023 03:14

Options ..
You leave.

Put a simple lock on your SD door and install a baby monitor and always have your GF go into her daughter's room not vice versa, never to share a bed but to comfort back to sleep and then leave and lock.

Decide for GF to sleep every second night with you - then you get every second night a full uninterupted sleep.

I'm not a parent but even I was shocked by this advice, and was trying to think of situations where it would be OK advice and still came up with more appropriate actions!

(In case you're interested the two examples I thought of were if the child was a sleepwalker and went out, but actually double locking the front door was better, or she had Prada Willi syndrome and would eat all the food, but locking the kitchen door or the cupboards and fridge would be the better option.)

CeeceeBloomingdale · 29/12/2023 09:37

Regardless of what you or anyone else thinks neither of her parents think it's a problem. If you have a problem with it move on. You sound like a jealous kid and she's got enough in her plate with her actual kid. Find a girlfriend without a ready made family as it doesn't sound like you're ready for that phase yet.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 29/12/2023 09:41

At the start of November 2023? As in less than two months?

that is nothing when it comes to parenting and children getting used to new living arrangements.
I would expect it to take at least a year (if not more) to get her bedtime routine truly settled. provided the mother actually wants the change you’re clearly expecting.

I also can’t help but notice that you have a fairly large age gap. Are you sure that this is the relationship for you?
Have you considered the issue of children / wanting to be a father one day?
It’s incredibly unfair but women do unfortunately have a biological clock. And your girlfriend is 40…

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2023 09:41

user1492757084 · 29/12/2023 03:14

Options ..
You leave.

Put a simple lock on your SD door and install a baby monitor and always have your GF go into her daughter's room not vice versa, never to share a bed but to comfort back to sleep and then leave and lock.

Decide for GF to sleep every second night with you - then you get every second night a full uninterupted sleep.

Lock her door?

Are you nuts??

That'd work well if there was a fire, she was ill in the night or a myriad of other reason.

You DO NOT do that

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2023 09:44

MayThe4th · 29/12/2023 04:35

If this was a 26 year old woman posting about being in a relationship with a 40 year old man people would be questioning the age difference and the power imbalance.

At 26 I would advise anyone, male or female, to run a mile from getting involved with a 40 year old with children.

And the mum is doing her 9 year old no favours by still co-sleeping. I presume the child is unable to have sleepovers, at grandparents, at friends’ houses, in a couple of years time she will be going off on residential school trips and how’s that going to work?

Seriously cuddling a 9 year old to sleep is not healthy, irrespective of the mum’s relationship status.

And as for the 9 year old still sharing a bed with her father? Alarm bells are ringing on so many levels here with regards to the welfare of this child, and personally this isn’t a shitshow I’d want to be a part of.

But presumably the OP wants to cuddle his girlfriend to sleep...

willWillSmithsmith · 29/12/2023 09:44

user1492757084 · 29/12/2023 03:14

Options ..
You leave.

Put a simple lock on your SD door and install a baby monitor and always have your GF go into her daughter's room not vice versa, never to share a bed but to comfort back to sleep and then leave and lock.

Decide for GF to sleep every second night with you - then you get every second night a full uninterupted sleep.

Do you really think a lock is acceptable? Would you like to be locked in a room?

tara66 · 29/12/2023 09:46

One NEVER locks a child in a room, very very bad.

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2023 09:46

maddiemookins16mum · 29/12/2023 09:01

You won’t get a reasonable answer on here for many reasons I’m afraid.

Why? You’re a male. Also, MN are obsessed with co-sleeping and any kind of adult relationship takes 2nd place when co-sleeping is concerned.

Evidence?

I'm not a fan of co-sleeping and didn't do it with my kids past babyhood

But this family are used to it and stopping it RIGHT NOW is going to send a pretty clear message to the child, isn't it?

FriedasCarLoad · 29/12/2023 09:53

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/12/2023 03:22

Quite. Insane post. For everyone, ever... don't put locks on children's doors unless it is vital for their safety. Vital, as in tried literally everything else.

BTW I was a social worker and I work inside people's homes now and would report to social services if I saw locks on children's doors. Especially with a new stepfather involved.

Show quote history

You'd report a family to Social Services simply for there being locks on the children's doors?

I pity the poor family who are perfectly happy and loving and simply haven't bothered to remove the locks the previous owners installed. What unnecessary stress for a family, and what a waste of time for an overstretched service.

Ottersmith · 29/12/2023 09:54

I don't think this is real.

MistletoeRegrets · 29/12/2023 09:58

Probably most online problem threads aren’t real, @Ottersmith - but they sometimes throw up interesting questions …

2024BigWhoop · 29/12/2023 09:58

How old were you when you met?

How long until you met the daughter?

How long until you moved in together?

And from what you’ve said it sounds like you’ve bought a separate property together as opposed to you moving into their home?

Your GF is acting completely appropriate as a mother.

As a 26 year old man with no children is completely appropriate for you to not fully understand this and feel unhappy with the situation.

As many other posters have said - I think the age gap is only going to become more apparent as you start to see more the reality of being a parent and where you understandably will fall in the pecking order.

What you want and need out of life is miles apart from that of your girlfriends. She is a parent to a young child and that comes with challenges as you are now learning, and as the daughter gets older there will be new challenges to come.

Your girlfriend’s priority will always be what she believes to be best for her daughter (as it should be) and I think at your age you should remove yourself from this situation and enjoy your youth with women who are at the same stage of life as yourself.

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2023 09:59

FriedasCarLoad · 29/12/2023 09:53

You'd report a family to Social Services simply for there being locks on the children's doors?

I pity the poor family who are perfectly happy and loving and simply haven't bothered to remove the locks the previous owners installed. What unnecessary stress for a family, and what a waste of time for an overstretched service.

Show quote history

Depends whether they use them or not

StepAwayFromGoogling · 29/12/2023 10:07

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2023 09:59

Depends whether they use them or not

Show quote history

Or whether they are on the OUTSIDE of the door surely?!

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/12/2023 10:11

Have they moved in with you or did you get a place together? I think it was naive of you to move in together knowing what the sleeping arrangements were in both your gf and her ex’s households. It wasn’t going to get better with another big change was it.

I’d go back to living apart, you can see each other when SD is at her dad’s. Or, if you want a full time committed relationship I’d move on. You could meet someone nearer your own age and enjoy freedom instead of the restrictions of family life because of a child that isn’t even yours.

Mummyofbananas · 29/12/2023 10:13

MockneyReject · 29/12/2023 04:19

"A 9 year old shouldn't be sharing a bed with any parents"
Why?
OP is 26, and is so upset about sleeping alone, that he's posted about it on an internet forum.

agree totally with this.

My 9 year old still comes in with me most nights, I have no problem with it. She'll grow out of it soon she's already getting to an age she wants a bit of privacy so I don't see it lasting much longer.

You need to give this time, and sensitivity.

I do agree though she shouldn't be coming into bed with you, a double bed in her room seems like the best Idea so her mum can go in there with her.

DriftingDora · 29/12/2023 10:27

OP, read the room. This situation won't change, so the only option is to remove yourself from the situation. It sounds as though both the child's parents 'baby' her to some degree, and I agree she should not be sleeping in her father's bed - this is just wrong and rather concerning that both parents don't realise it. Does this complicated situation have any future? I wouldn't think it likely - your partner is at a different stage in life to you, and you are still young to be coping with having a 9 year old child around.