SD wakes her mother up every night and we're both exhausted

[Mtjscott]

My girlfriend (40) and I (M26) moved in together at the start of November. We have her daughter 5 days out of the week. And since moving into the new house together, I can count on my hand the amount of nights that me and my gf have slept on in the same bed for a full night.

Like clockwork, 15 mins after my girlfriend's head hits the pillow, her daughter (9yo) will come into the room and complain that she can't get to sleep.

We start the bed time routine at 7:30 / 8 on a weekend. Shower, hair brush, teeth, cream for exma on, noise machine and night light on and mummy sits with and cuddles her then she's off to sleep.
We leave the landing lamp on just in case.

When we first moved she was up and down the stairs until we'd go to bed. And often my girlfriend would just disappear when called and I wouldn't see her again until the morning.

After the first month we managed to get her to stay in bed. But as I have said, it's like she has some magic 6th sense. We could be in bed, talking and cuddling and then as soon as my girlfriend closes her eyes, 15-20 mins later, she would come in and wake her up with "I can't sleep". Even though she has been flat out snoring in bed up until then.

And she won't go to sleep until her mother either goes to sleep with her or at least strokes her hair until she falls asleep at which point my girlfriend is shattered and sleeping in the same bed anyway.

There have been three occasions in which her daughter has ended up in our bed sleeping with us. Usually as my girlfriend has, whilst half asleep, just lifted up the covers and let her in. Each time I have put my foot down for all the obvious reasons. That can't be allowed to happen.

It has set me on edge every night and I can't get to sleep because I'm listening to every creak and noise dreading that the next one will be her coming in to disturb us.

I'm extremely frustrated because my girlfriend is exhausted and is constantly tired. Her daughter scratches, kicks and grabs in her sleep and my gf doesn't sleep well at all when in the same bed.

And it's killed any intimacy we have in our relationship because we can't get a minute to ourselves. Any day we do have together without SD is spent trying to catch up on lost sleep or jobs we couldn't do because she needs her mother to sleep.

Before I started to stay over, they slept in the same bed at their old house. However, I've been staying at their house on a regular basis, sometimes a week or more at a time, a year now. She has had her bedtime routine pretty much together.

We knew it would be a struggle for her with mood and sleep moving into her new house but I can't seem to help or change anything and it's killing me.

It doesn't help that when my gf and her ex split, he moved into a caravan with a tiny room for their daughter. So instead of sleeping in her own room whilst at her dad's, they sleep in the same bed and don't plan to change that as far as I'm aware.

I don't want to insert myself into their relationship or tell my girlfriend or her ex how to parent but I don't think this is healthy at all.

I've had several conversations about it during the day with my girlfriend voicing my concerns but my frustrations about her lack of sleep just get palmed off with a "don't worry about it. I'm used to it". And the fact that she is still leaving our bed to sleep with her daughter is responded to with "we knew this was going to be an issue and it will take time, we just need to get her skin better and then things will get better". "I'm her comfort blanket and she needs me right now".

But what if her skin doesn't get better? Why are we jumping to the nuclear option of her sleeping with her every night without question or chance of change?

And trying to reason with my gf at night when it happens is a no go because she half asleep and I usually just get a kiss "don't worry about it" and she leaves the room.

Don't get me wrong. I completley empathise with SD. It's all a big change to a place she isn't used to and the skin condition is hard to deal with to boot.

I just can't stand the lack of sleep and lack of intimacy or closeness, as well as the change in mood due to tiredness/frustration in our relationship now without having a plan to fix it.
I can't keep pushing it off and saying it will change eventually and pinning it on an arbitrary "when she gets better" date because who knows when that will be. And when I suggest putting her to bed and coming back, or telling her to go to bed without leaving. Or working up to that I'm shot down.

I'm pulling my hair out here. I just want the best for everyone. Please, any advice would be appreciated.

Agreed that a 9 year old should not be sharing your bed. And your GF should know better than to permit it with a much younger BF who is not the child’s father (no offence meant to you, but it is inappropriate and it’s clear that this concerns you too). Your GF shows no willingness to change. In the circumstances I would leave if I were you. Fast as you can.

"A 9 year old shouldn't be sharing a bed with any parents"
Why?
OP is 26, and is so upset about sleeping alone, that he's posted about it on an internet forum.

If this was a 26 year old woman posting about being in a relationship with a 40 year old man people would be questioning the age difference and the power imbalance.

At 26 I would advise anyone, male or female, to run a mile from getting involved with a 40 year old with children.

And the mum is doing her 9 year old no favours by still co-sleeping. I presume the child is unable to have sleepovers, at grandparents, at friends’ houses, in a couple of years time she will be going off on residential school trips and how’s that going to work?

Seriously cuddling a 9 year old to sleep is not healthy, irrespective of the mum’s relationship status.

And as for the 9 year old still sharing a bed with her father? Alarm bells are ringing on so many levels here with regards to the welfare of this child, and personally this isn’t a shitshow I’d want to be a part of.

The time scale for this issue is months or years, not days. The child has eczema which can seriously disturb sleep. I’m an adult awake in the middle of the night (in my time zone) right now because I can’t stop itching and I’m waiting for my meds to kick in. Meds they won’t prescribe to children so the kids just have to tough it out even on their worst nights.

The child just moved houses and is having to deal with having a new person in her home. She is going to be especially unsettled.

you have a big decision to make. Your posts seem to lack a real understanding of basic parenting and any real maturity. If you want to join a family, this is the kind of thing you have to deal with, day after day and night after night. You didn’t just move in with your girlfriend. She has a child. If you aren’t prepared for all that entails, you shouldn’t be there.

Poor child.

Are there other things your unhappy with your partners parenting over? Do you resent her being there in the evenings? At meal times?

Mine at 9 had a wobble and came into our bed during the night for a few months . We ended I with a floor-bed option for when she came in so she could be close but a stage removed. And she hadn't been sleeping with me for 8 years constantly.

This is such a huge change for her. And she's a child. Her emotions and fears trump yours.

This.

How long between DD being introduced to you, and you moving in? Should be years, but I’m guessing it wasn’t considering your age.

You should move out tbh. Poor girl.

Why is cuddling a 9 year old
to sleep not healthy?

What if the 9 year old is able to sleep on their own on sleepovers, Brownie camps, at their grandparents etc.

Why isnt the mum doing her daughter any favours?

You’ve got jumped on a bit here huh. We had the same issue. We made changes to her bedroom - picked new bedding, used sleep spray, a worry monster (she may be a bit old for this) and then consistently settled her but took her back to her room. It worked but it took time. She never gets up now unless poorly of course.

And she sleeps better for it too, and can have sleepovers without issues etc which wasn’t the case before.

She's not with you 2 nights a week - that is when you get your intimacy with your partner.

Meanwhile it's not uncommon for children to want to sleep in with a parent.

Get a camp bed ( a proper one with legs)and set it up right next to her mum's side of the bed with her own bed covers and pillows and toys etc. That way she has more space and can still hold her mum's hand and touch her but is old enough to understand her mum needs some sleep and they will both have more space but still be side by side. If she comes in she sleeps there, or just put her to bed in there too start with, then she's likely to stay asleep. It's she's scratching the eczema is she having some piriton at night to help,

You're not Stepdad. Just Mums boyf.

My daughter had real problems with dry skin and wanted to scratch at night. Co sleeping helped as I could cuddle her which stopped her scratching.

I don't get what is wrong with children wanting to have company at night.

So the skull is sleeping with two adult men? You need to get out of the situation and get your own place.

No 9 year old should need to be sat with to go to sleep or sharing a bed that’s just batshit. This is the result of lazy parenting in the past and won’t change because it doesn’t sound like either of the parents can be arsed.

Run far far away. You are young and can do so much better than this.

The girlfriend was 31 when she had her 9 years ago. Is that an older mum?

There's no such thing a 'shouldn't'. It may not be what works for you, but if it works for the mum and daughter then it's nobody else's business.

Back off. And if she climbs into bed with you both you get out the bed. It's only going to get better if the child knows her bond with mum isn't affected by your arrival.

OP your gf has made it clear that she's not bothered by this and doesn't feel the need to change anything. You need to decide if this relationship is really for you.

Regarding 'intimacy', surely you can abstain for 2 nights a week? It doesn't look like this arrangement is going to work either way.

Are you really only 26? At your age I'd just move on from this, way too much trouble.

I feel quite sorry for the girlfriend tbh

Her child is very unsettled. And want her mum with her. She has responsibilities to the child.

Then she has a boyfriend is also moaning he doesn’t sleep properly when she isn’t in his bed and wants her there. Also moans he doesn’t sleep listening out for the child when she is in her bed.

i don’t get the lack of intimacy tbh. Plenty of couples don’t share beds and have very loving relationships. If we are talking just sex, if she really wanted sex you would at least be having it when the daughter is at her dad’s. Even if she is tired, if she wanted to have sex with her partner she would. If there’s no sex it’s because she just doesn’t want it. Even if she is tired.

The girlfriend here has shown she is going to carry on dealing with it, the way she wants to deal with it. If you can’t cope with it, then it’s up to you whether you stay or go.

People who move in with partner with kids, who have issues with how their partner parents stay in the relationship baffle me. It’s always such an issue it’s causing problems in the relationship. It causes resentment and constant annoyance. And instead of being sensible and walking away they insist on staying while getting worked up all the time. Not good for either adult or the children involved.

End this relationship. It will not work out for you. The parents of the girl need to work on what they are providing for her (stability/proper accommodation) and teach her to sleep in her own bed, all night. A child of this age should not be wandering into her mother every night like this (I could understand it if she was poorly though).

You will end up very resentful.

1. I have eczema. It very often doesn't get better. It's more of a cyclical condition, it'll flare up and calm down but will likely not go away completely - and if it does, not for long.
2. so you want the (arguably much more vulnerable than you) kid to sleep alone so you don't have to sleep alone?

I had this problem with my daughter when her dad and I separated. She constantly wanted to sleep in the bed with me. It got very frustrating at times as I got little sleep.

Honestly just give her time to adapt. She'll grow out of it. My daughter suddenly turned a corner and is now way too cool to sleep with me 🤣.