SD wakes her mother up every night and we're both exhausted

[Mtjscott]

My girlfriend (40) and I (M26) moved in together at the start of November. We have her daughter 5 days out of the week. And since moving into the new house together, I can count on my hand the amount of nights that me and my gf have slept on in the same bed for a full night.

Like clockwork, 15 mins after my girlfriend's head hits the pillow, her daughter (9yo) will come into the room and complain that she can't get to sleep.

We start the bed time routine at 7:30 / 8 on a weekend. Shower, hair brush, teeth, cream for exma on, noise machine and night light on and mummy sits with and cuddles her then she's off to sleep.
We leave the landing lamp on just in case.

When we first moved she was up and down the stairs until we'd go to bed. And often my girlfriend would just disappear when called and I wouldn't see her again until the morning.

After the first month we managed to get her to stay in bed. But as I have said, it's like she has some magic 6th sense. We could be in bed, talking and cuddling and then as soon as my girlfriend closes her eyes, 15-20 mins later, she would come in and wake her up with "I can't sleep". Even though she has been flat out snoring in bed up until then.

And she won't go to sleep until her mother either goes to sleep with her or at least strokes her hair until she falls asleep at which point my girlfriend is shattered and sleeping in the same bed anyway.

There have been three occasions in which her daughter has ended up in our bed sleeping with us. Usually as my girlfriend has, whilst half asleep, just lifted up the covers and let her in. Each time I have put my foot down for all the obvious reasons. That can't be allowed to happen.

It has set me on edge every night and I can't get to sleep because I'm listening to every creak and noise dreading that the next one will be her coming in to disturb us.

I'm extremely frustrated because my girlfriend is exhausted and is constantly tired. Her daughter scratches, kicks and grabs in her sleep and my gf doesn't sleep well at all when in the same bed.

And it's killed any intimacy we have in our relationship because we can't get a minute to ourselves. Any day we do have together without SD is spent trying to catch up on lost sleep or jobs we couldn't do because she needs her mother to sleep.

Before I started to stay over, they slept in the same bed at their old house. However, I've been staying at their house on a regular basis, sometimes a week or more at a time, a year now. She has had her bedtime routine pretty much together.

We knew it would be a struggle for her with mood and sleep moving into her new house but I can't seem to help or change anything and it's killing me.

It doesn't help that when my gf and her ex split, he moved into a caravan with a tiny room for their daughter. So instead of sleeping in her own room whilst at her dad's, they sleep in the same bed and don't plan to change that as far as I'm aware.

I don't want to insert myself into their relationship or tell my girlfriend or her ex how to parent but I don't think this is healthy at all.

I've had several conversations about it during the day with my girlfriend voicing my concerns but my frustrations about her lack of sleep just get palmed off with a "don't worry about it. I'm used to it". And the fact that she is still leaving our bed to sleep with her daughter is responded to with "we knew this was going to be an issue and it will take time, we just need to get her skin better and then things will get better". "I'm her comfort blanket and she needs me right now".

But what if her skin doesn't get better? Why are we jumping to the nuclear option of her sleeping with her every night without question or chance of change?

And trying to reason with my gf at night when it happens is a no go because she half asleep and I usually just get a kiss "don't worry about it" and she leaves the room.

Don't get me wrong. I completley empathise with SD. It's all a big change to a place she isn't used to and the skin condition is hard to deal with to boot.

I just can't stand the lack of sleep and lack of intimacy or closeness, as well as the change in mood due to tiredness/frustration in our relationship now without having a plan to fix it.
I can't keep pushing it off and saying it will change eventually and pinning it on an arbitrary "when she gets better" date because who knows when that will be. And when I suggest putting her to bed and coming back, or telling her to go to bed without leaving. Or working up to that I'm shot down.

I'm pulling my hair out here. I just want the best for everyone. Please, any advice would be appreciated.

Repeatedly offering help and solutions and those offers being knocked back would tell you something surely - she doesn’t want you to fix anything she’s happy to vent to you and continue on with the way things are with her daughter for now. She’s even said it to you repeatedly. I’d use my ears and back off it for a bit. If you can’t sleep find a solution for yourself for a while perhaps the spare room?

it's hard for you all. it gets better with age and time

After my gf and her ex husband's break up and move out, they all started co sleeping as a comfort thing. They all slept well and it kept everyone happy. Her daughter and dad have kept up the cosleeping as her daughter doesn't like the room she has at her dad's because it has her toys in there and it's too small. Which, in reality, yes it isn't massive, but it has a perfectly good bed in there. But I don't want to and haven't imposed at all on that.

However, before I met her daughtet she introduced the idea of her having a boyfriend to see how it would go down, and we agreed that we would only proceed and with caution if she was okay with everything. So over the course of the next few months she kept communicating with her daughter about me and the possible changes that would come of introducing me, what everything meant and we had a lot of talks with her ex who is lovely and has been supportive also.

Eventually my gfs daughter, of her own volition asked a few times when she could meet me. So we reconfirmed and set a date.

After having some days out and eventually moving to days in the house her daughter started to ask if I was staying over that night and her daughter started inviting me over for sleepovers. But obviously that needed some conversations before that could happen. We all needed to be comfortable and sleeping arrangements needed to be sorted.

My gf explained that she was going to start asking her daughter to sleep in her own bed. She asked why, so she asked her daughter where would I sleep. Her daughter responded with, I could sleep in her bed as she doesnt use it. My gf explained that that wasn't what she wanted and that that's not how grown ups in a relationship work. Unfortunately her and her ex hadn't slept in the same bed for a long time so it wasnt the easiest to explain.

However over the next couple of weeks my gf slowly transitioned moving her daughter over to her own bed. Obviously it wasn't perfect but it was doable.

Eventually I stayed over and things went very well. We eased into me staying over more often usually leaving two weeks or so in between but her daughter was asking to spend more time together so we went with what she was comfortable with.

After a year of me staying over on a regular basis, most weekends and then a few days during the week she's had a successful bedtime routine in place and we've slept in our own beds since I've started coming over. And to be honest we haven't had any problems with her coming in. Probably less than 10 occasions. Obviously there was a lot of in and out of bed whilst we were awake. Sometimes it was her emotions, or feeling sick, or just wanting some extra time, or just being cheeky and sneaking into the kitchen for a peice of chocolate 😅.

I'd say for the 4 months prior to us moving we haven't had any real struggles with getting into bed and staying there at all.

Now we knew there would be upheaval when we moved and for a while. But it has been relentless. And more than anything I want her daughter to feel safe, comfortable, have no problems with her skin, sleep well and be rested. But at the moment, the only recourse her mother has is at the expense of her own sleep mood and sanity and that's unfortunately taking a toll on me too. I don't want to see either of them like this. Our relationship as it was has gone. My ability to act independently as I used to has gone. I'm now trying to learn the ins and out and day to day stuff that not just my girlfriend does and needs but her daughter too.

It's like there's a whole bunch of problems going on in my house and with the people I love but everyone's advice is to either leave, do nothing, stop being selfish or stop thinking with my cock. I can't fix these issues everyone's advice is just to be more isolated from the situation and communicate less about what is going on.

I'm not going anywhere and a lot of the suggestions are condusive to a happy and healthy relationship.

I can't remedy the situation at her father's home.

What I can try to do is make her life easier here.

I can't just disappear. This is my home as much as it is there's.

It certainly is an awkward and difficult age for her.

But people can't put their lives on hold because their kid is going through pre-puberty.

This isn't exactly sudden. I explained in further detail in my other comment but she has been sleeping in her own bed for a year now.

She has a double bed. my gf does sleep in bed with her if she needs/wants that. It's the coming in and waking my girlfriend up that's the problem. And then my girlfriend sleeps awfully or doesn't sleep at all when cosleeping because her daughter kicks, scratches herself and her mum, sprawls out, snores and grabs during the night. And so whenever she cosleeps she's frustrated by being woken up and then exhausted because she hasn't slept. But seems to put off any suggestions to change anything because it's easier to keep things as they are because theres already enough changes going on.

She says that she is her daughter's comfort blanket and that she is her safe space and doesn't want to take that away from her. And says that even thought she gets the shit end of the stick with her attitude and can't sleep one day she won't want those things, and furthermore, it's easier to wait it out for a potential lul or when everything gets easier to make any changes.

Absolutley not. I/we will not be locking her in her room or anywhere for that matter.

We're all on here to talk about something.

I in a city far away from family and friends with little time to just myself. I don't have the time and space to talk about these things on the phone with my gf and daughter around.

I/we got woke up at 2am, my gf left to go sleep with her daughter and I needed to get some of this off my chest.

I don't think anyone is prepared to be in this situation if they haven't had a kid before.

And it's not like I've been involved and seen her from up and know how the pair of them work inside and out as if I would if she was my own. It's a bit learning curve.

I'm not going anywhere. I'm constantly reading and learning and researching about parenting and trying to understand the things that are going on even if I'm not directly parenting or getting involved.

My gf is her parent and she has parent problems. It's best if I take a vested interest in that otherwise I'd be a shitty boyfriend and person.

Plus I have a little person who sees me every day. She wants me to spend time with her and play games together and help her with her packed lunch andask her questions about the Egyptians and Greeks that she has just learned about and come with her to school when her mum takes her etc. I can't just not be involved. She wants me there and I want to be there for the both of them.

But obviously that comes with a lot of other not great stuff that we're all working through. Age related stuff. Family related stuff. The house changes. Issues with friends at school. Etc etc. And all of these things come up.

So when people say, you're not her parent, or don't give advice, or back off. It's hard to know where to draw the line and as a "not parent" where is my opinion on things not warranted. How much effort should I put into learning about parenting? It's a dilemma.

People on here obviously have such a small window into our life right now based on the information I've given and make some really harsh snap judgements.

As a child I went through this stage. Moms solution? I got a matress and sleeping bag next to her bed. Each week it moved closer to the door, eventually the hallway then my own room

Absolutley she takes priority. I just want to make her life better. Relationship issues are secondary but obviously it doesn't mean those don't exist.

Anyway.

I have suggested the idea of putting a bed in our room and explaine that I'm happy if we're woken up an she needs to talk or have some comfort from her mother just so long as she doesn't get into our bed. As it means that they still have that interaction there but my gf can actually get a good night's sleep still as she isn't being kept up by the kicking, scratching, grabbing and sprawling that her daughter does in her sleep.

She listened and said maybe it's a good idea but says almost dismissively "well I/we just need to get through these next few days/week" or "we just need to wait until this thing happens" or "we just need to wait until her skin clears up". But she's has eczema since she was a baby and after those dates/thingns have happened nothing changes.

And every night my gf is woken up and every day she is exhausted. She suffers, our relationship suffers, and she just keeps saying "I'm used to it, I'll be alright".

I don't want to be the needy boyfriend trying to take priority over her daughter, I care about her and she's clearly not okay. She's not on her own anymore and she can't be exhausted 24/7 and just getting by anymore. Furthermore it's not just her that she has to think about anymore. I am around and I am being affected by this. I can't just be kept separated from all the trouble and then spend our wonderful whirlwind few days a week together anymore. I'm here 24/7 and for as long as she wants me to be. And so if she is suffering to keep her daughter happy, I share some of the problems along with her.

I have suggested this once or twice but she just says, maybe we'll try it after xyz event in the future or we just need to wait until xyz happens but then things don't change.

I don't want to keep bothering her and I don't want to overstep any boundaries by telling her how to parent.

So I'm stuck leaving suggestions and doing research.

It isn't. Sex is a very small part of what I'm talking about here. Intamacy is a whole LOT bigger than that.

Quite frankly I don't need sex, I can take care of that myself.

But that doesn't mean that if most or all intimacy (kisses, cuddling, hugs, smiles, I love you, hand holding, the touch of an arm, or just 1 on 1 conversations) disappears when my gf is tired, and she is trying to keep her daughter healthy at the expense of her own that I can't be concerned for her and the route that she is choosing. I can't work to understand and learn why these things are happening, and she knows her child better than anyone, so open and honest conversations are happening so I can support her better. And I shouldnt feel isolated when my space, time, interests and contact with other people are significantly reduced due to the needs of the family. But I'm then told that she isn't my child and she has a parent and I should let them get on with things and stay out of it.

Where is the balance between doing my best to be a good parent, guide and authority figure in the house (i.e. when it comes to meals and actives and routine as well as acting out and behaviour), being a supportive and caring boyfriend and not getting involved at all and just taking up the space and doing the things I need to do to get by in my own home so that I don't affect the way that my gf and her daughter's relationship and life operates.

And don't misunderstand what I mean by parent, guide and authority figure.
I'm not laying down the law here or trying to replace her dad. But someone has to say no when she wants to play games 5 mins before bed time or has stopped eating her dinner because she has been sucked into the TV. Or isn't listening to her mother because she doesn't want to get ready for drama but her mum isn't around. Things like that. Every day stuff that I can't not be a part of just by being around. I can't let her get away with everything that she wants, she is a child after all.

This probably isn't helpful but anyway.

I haven't had a really good night sleep since I was about 5 months pregny with my soon to be 13 year old. So while I appreciate the being woken up is distressing for you it's very normal for parents. Now I might get a full night sleep but that often happens on the night we have had late family activities and I have taxi duty for sports activities early morning.
In the end you learn to function on what you get.

How long have you and your gf been together? How long have you been moved in?

9yo still sleeps with me. She will stay all night in her room because she wants to please me but she doesn't sleep well. Over time she becomes tearful and withdrawn. Right now she's benefiting from that contact overnight. I suspect your gf would sleep fine with her child in her bed if you weren't there as well...

@Mtjscott Can I just say, you sound like a great boyfriend/step dad. You're doing a fantastic job in trying to support your girlfriend and daughter x

@Mtjscott can I make a suggestion based on what you were saying about lots of various interventions have been raised as possible solutions to this issue but get lost in the daily hurly-burly and endlessly postponed

Maybe it would be better to prioritise just one intervention - particularly thinking of the idea of obtaining private allergy testing -something that with your partners agreement you can largely explore autonomously and least intrudes on the emotional aspects of the mother-daughter relationship but which would potentially bring benefits to the whole family

@SunRainStorm
Creepy? You're really jumping off the deep end and getting hyper protective over nothing. But I appreciate your concern. But you may have missed the part where I don't want her daughter to sleep in our bed at all if I'm in it because of the implication and safety of her daughter and myself. If there was something nefarious going on, that probably wouldn't be the case.

I mean we in the sense that I had to learn and now know what she needs to do to get ready for bed.

If she wants to play a game 5 mins before bed time, or if she is pushing her luck and is doing everything she can to watch 5 mins more of TV, I can prompt her as it is bed time.

Her mum gets her to shower (if it's shower day), brush her teeth, put her cream on, get her PJ's on, take her medicine (kids antihistamine) and I'll finish up cooking our (mine and my girlfriend's) dinner then clean the pots/pans and wipe the kitchen down. I can time it by listening to where they are up to with their routine so I'm done cleaning and food is hot and on the table by the time she comes downstairs.

That being said, her daughter is at the age where she is starting to get her own ideas about what she wants to do, maybe being a little dismissive or rude and huffing and puffing about doing the things she needs to do to her mother. Being forgetful about her bedtime routine (on purpose or not). Etc. and so she needs prompting occasionally to go do the things she needs to do to go to bed.
Like reminding her she needs to take her medicine and getting the oral syringe and bottle out. Or telling her that before she jumps head first I to a story right as her mother has told her to go to bed, or has gotten sucked into the TV when she needs to be getting ready, that she needs to go brush her teeth and hair first.

When it's time for bed we start the bedtime routine... Nothing nefarious here.

Other tha. Prompting and telling her to listen to her mother, she may ask me to read her the odd bed time story here and there. But other than that, she runs over to give me a hug, says good night and asks if I'll see her tomorrow (I often have to leave early for work) and then that's as involved as I am. It just means that I can sort other things out so we have our timings down.

You probably wouldn't be saying the same things if I was of an older age or the genders were reversed but I really do just want the best for them both here.

Her daughter would but my gf wouldn't.
Her daughter kicks, scratches, talks, snores grabs and spreads out during the night. Whenever they sleep together my girlfriend has an awful night and gets no sleep.

It was easier and more comforting to sleep in a bed together when her and her ex broke up to be fair but she still wasn't sleeping great.

That being said, there would be less disturbances if she did just go sleep together with her. But she'd be miserable and she wants alone time with me (not just sex) and her own bed too. But it's easier to just be tired all the time than have her daughter be tired and get moody, upset or naughty.

She's prioritising her daughter's health and mood over everything else at the moment which is absolutely necessary especially given all the changes that are and have gone on.

However the suggestions I've given for making their both lives a littler easier withing needing to completely strip away contact have fallen on deaf ears. More than likely because what she has been doing is what she has always done. And whilst it doesn't work for my gf it works for her child and that's the sacrifice she has been making.

She could make it through the week running on no sleep previously and remove or separate herself from all of that when we would see eachother as she wouldn't have her daughter.

However the reality of living together 24/7 hasn't changed things too much, which I wouldn't expect anyway. But it means that she is still constantly exhausted and it's easier to be that way than to try to implement self soothing techniques and try to work towards a better solution at some point in the future. But that means that she's unhappy and tired and I feel like i can't do much to help because I'm not her daughter's father and I dont want to impose too much.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that shes parenting like she is still a single mum living on her own with her daughter. Just doing what she can to get by and keep things settled. But it's at the expense of her own health and happiness And quite frankly our relationship.

Understandably that may be necessary and we just have to stick things out and I have to support her on this one.

But I can't seem to help to improve the situation for either of them and so everyone says back off. But back off to where? We live together. My life is now centered around this family unit. My routine and free time is centered around building a relationship and routines that works for the three of us. My habits, time, money to a big extent is now not just for me, it is for what's best for the three of us. That's the future I have accepted and that's the future that we all want to build together. But it's a LOT of change for me but I also need some give on my gf and her daughter's end to make this work otherwise I'll end up captive in my own house. Unable to say, do or change anything as their relationship is top priority all of the time and our relationship will just have to endure the suffering indefinitely. But that's not how a traditional mother, father, child relationship works at all. You work together, listen and communicate, make changes and compromises on all ends to get the best outcome.

I just need to find a way to deal with all of these changes from my end but not overstep or impose anything on my gf. The last thing I want to do is to make my gf feel under any pressure for not having QT for me because the angel that she is, she'll do it at her own expense which is the opposite of what I want.

I want her to feel better and be rested whilst being able to support her daughter through this tough time. That in itself will cause things to improve between us.

Family life wisdom from a childless 26 year old man.

Do you advise your girlfriend as well OP? Do you realise how silly it is for you to pontificate on this subject, given she is a parent in her 30s and you are the boyfriend?

You've entered their world. You're not equal, your needs and wants aren't equal. There's a child involved. She'll come first.

It will always be an imbalanced relationship. She is at a different stage of life to you and that's not changing soon either.

Suck it up, or move on.

not sure what you are getting out of this relationship, OP. She has different priorities to you and that won’t change. In her shoes I wouldn’t appreciate a younger, childless boyfriend trying to tell me how to parent my child. It sounds like this isn’t working for you - you are still very young and this situation sounds very intense.

And yes creepy and overstepping.

The level of detail and thought you've have here is inappropriate.

You are not the parent. Mind your own business about whether the child is 'tired upset or moody' or instructions are 'falling on deaf ears' or if she's following her routine or not. It's really none of your business. She has a competent parent- so step out and leave it to her mother.

You shouldn't be concerned with it, involved in the decisions about it, throwing in your opinion.

Writing this detailed manifesto about the child's behaviour and how a family should operate... dude.

You are a boyfriend in his mid 20s. This poor child having you play house using her one actual childhood as a prop.

You're not even a step dad.

Be a friendly supportive adult in her life. But not a parent.

And yes, the relative ages and genders involved make this extra inappropriate IMO.