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Step-parenting

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Original poster

SD wakes her mother up every night and we're both exhausted

171 replies

Mtjscott · 29/12/2023 01:52

My girlfriend (40) and I (M26) moved in together at the start of November. We have her daughter 5 days out of the week. And since moving into the new house together, I can count on my hand the amount of nights that me and my gf have slept on in the same bed for a full night.

Like clockwork, 15 mins after my girlfriend's head hits the pillow, her daughter (9yo) will come into the room and complain that she can't get to sleep.

We start the bed time routine at 7:30 / 8 on a weekend. Shower, hair brush, teeth, cream for exma on, noise machine and night light on and mummy sits with and cuddles her then she's off to sleep.
We leave the landing lamp on just in case.

When we first moved she was up and down the stairs until we'd go to bed. And often my girlfriend would just disappear when called and I wouldn't see her again until the morning.

After the first month we managed to get her to stay in bed. But as I have said, it's like she has some magic 6th sense. We could be in bed, talking and cuddling and then as soon as my girlfriend closes her eyes, 15-20 mins later, she would come in and wake her up with "I can't sleep". Even though she has been flat out snoring in bed up until then.

And she won't go to sleep until her mother either goes to sleep with her or at least strokes her hair until she falls asleep at which point my girlfriend is shattered and sleeping in the same bed anyway.

There have been three occasions in which her daughter has ended up in our bed sleeping with us. Usually as my girlfriend has, whilst half asleep, just lifted up the covers and let her in. Each time I have put my foot down for all the obvious reasons. That can't be allowed to happen.

It has set me on edge every night and I can't get to sleep because I'm listening to every creak and noise dreading that the next one will be her coming in to disturb us.

I'm extremely frustrated because my girlfriend is exhausted and is constantly tired. Her daughter scratches, kicks and grabs in her sleep and my gf doesn't sleep well at all when in the same bed.

And it's killed any intimacy we have in our relationship because we can't get a minute to ourselves. Any day we do have together without SD is spent trying to catch up on lost sleep or jobs we couldn't do because she needs her mother to sleep.

Before I started to stay over, they slept in the same bed at their old house. However, I've been staying at their house on a regular basis, sometimes a week or more at a time, a year now. She has had her bedtime routine pretty much together.

We knew it would be a struggle for her with mood and sleep moving into her new house but I can't seem to help or change anything and it's killing me.

It doesn't help that when my gf and her ex split, he moved into a caravan with a tiny room for their daughter. So instead of sleeping in her own room whilst at her dad's, they sleep in the same bed and don't plan to change that as far as I'm aware.

I don't want to insert myself into their relationship or tell my girlfriend or her ex how to parent but I don't think this is healthy at all.

I've had several conversations about it during the day with my girlfriend voicing my concerns but my frustrations about her lack of sleep just get palmed off with a "don't worry about it. I'm used to it". And the fact that she is still leaving our bed to sleep with her daughter is responded to with "we knew this was going to be an issue and it will take time, we just need to get her skin better and then things will get better". "I'm her comfort blanket and she needs me right now".

But what if her skin doesn't get better? Why are we jumping to the nuclear option of her sleeping with her every night without question or chance of change?

And trying to reason with my gf at night when it happens is a no go because she half asleep and I usually just get a kiss "don't worry about it" and she leaves the room.

Don't get me wrong. I completley empathise with SD. It's all a big change to a place she isn't used to and the skin condition is hard to deal with to boot.

I just can't stand the lack of sleep and lack of intimacy or closeness, as well as the change in mood due to tiredness/frustration in our relationship now without having a plan to fix it.
I can't keep pushing it off and saying it will change eventually and pinning it on an arbitrary "when she gets better" date because who knows when that will be. And when I suggest putting her to bed and coming back, or telling her to go to bed without leaving. Or working up to that I'm shot down.

I'm pulling my hair out here. I just want the best for everyone. Please, any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
StellaGibson2022 · 29/12/2023 07:27

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 29/12/2023 06:49

No 9 year old should need to be sat with to go to sleep or sharing a bed that’s just batshit. This is the result of lazy parenting in the past and won’t change because it doesn’t sound like either of the parents can be arsed.

Run far far away. You are young and can do so much better than this.

Edited

Why is this lazy parenting?

tara66 · 29/12/2023 07:29

Re. Eczema - this is cured by withdrawal from steroid creams and an adapted diet with no nightshade plants which include tomatoes, potatoes, peppers, aubergines - also other foods need cutting out. Find a doctor who will help. The withdrawal from steroids can be very hard indeed the longer it is used. My child used to wake up to 7 times a night with eczema.

letstrythatagain · 29/12/2023 07:30

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 29/12/2023 06:49

No 9 year old should need to be sat with to go to sleep or sharing a bed that’s just batshit. This is the result of lazy parenting in the past and won’t change because it doesn’t sound like either of the parents can be arsed.

Run far far away. You are young and can do so much better than this.

Edited

A 9 year old whose parents have split up and who finds herself in a strange house is likely to need extra support. My daughter did. She soon adjusted but there was nothing at all with her wanting me at night.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/12/2023 07:31

I get all this sounds weird for a non parent. And plenty of parents don’t agree with this either. I know I didn’t get it until dd and I started co-sleeping when she was about 7. She still had sleepovers both at her friends’ houses and ours btw and it stopped when she was 11 and we upgraded her room.

Are you in this for the long haul op? In your gf’s shoes I’d get a double for her dd’s room. You have 2 nights a week to have sex, which with a child around isn’t that bad. So if you’re not in this for the long haul, it’s not going to work. It sounds as if you moved in way too early in the relationship.

Plumful · 29/12/2023 07:33

You’re 26. Find someone your own age without baggage.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 29/12/2023 07:41

This is not about sleeping, this is about a little girl desperately seeking reassurance and comfort when placed in a new situation with a new man placed in her life not of her choosing.

My advice is to read more on Mumsnet about parenting, being a step parent etc.

anothernamechangeagainsndagain · 29/12/2023 07:43

Not being able to get back to sleep isn't uncommon at 9 but a little comfort then being left is the answer not climbing into bed with her which currently your dp does. Also at bedtime it should be book, kiss goodnight and leave not stay until sleeping by 9. If the child was 3/4 then the behaviour was more normal. My youngest would trot in and climb into bed with us but not that old, until 7 but infrequently by then

MalaiseMoon · 29/12/2023 07:49

I think quite a few assumptions are being made here. A lot of people posting about the DD needing support/reassurance.

I'm not so sure this is coming from the DD... From what OP wrote It is not clear that DM has actually attempted to encourage DD to sleep all night in her bed/not to co-sleep. It also is a long-standing situation prior to dp. There is also something in the attitude - OP mentions there is only a small room for DD in her dad's caravan - that is still a room, it's not like she hasn't got a bed and has to co-sleep?

It doesn't sound like either parent has any intention to encourage independent sleep for DD. I do think that is lazy really, and not something to inflict on a new partner without at least being honest about it.

MistletoeRegrets · 29/12/2023 07:51

You don’t seem to appreciate either the family / domestic disruption, or the eczema preventing this child from sleeping, @anothernamechangeagainsndagain .

And unfortunately stress makes eczema worse.

This child is having a horrible time at the moment.

chewsandwhine · 29/12/2023 08:08

@user1492757084
”Put a simple lock on your SD door and install a baby monitor and always have your GF go into her daughter's room not vice versa, never to share a bed but to comfort back to sleep and then leave and lock.

Decide for GF to sleep every second night with you - then you get every second night a full uninterupted sleep.”

Absolute no to a lock. Guaranteed to make things worse.

Your gf seems happy.
You’re not.
Either wait it out ( no end in sight as this is normal for them both), or break up and move on.

MistletoeRegrets · 29/12/2023 08:10

The idea of locking a child in to their room makes my blood run cold.

I would call the police if I encountered such a thing.

Luckyduc · 29/12/2023 08:10

Seems like all you care about is getting it on with the mum....but that's just it, she's a mum and that's her job first. Her mum isn't knackered, just too knackered for you. Feel sorry for the kid. You say she's sound asleep and yet she clearly isn't as something wakes her up. This is why I'd never have any new relationships ever 🤣 you'd be booted out the bed before my kid . Infact. My husband hasn't been allowed near mine in 6 years and now I'd never go back.

marcopront · 29/12/2023 08:21

WanderingTheHills · 29/12/2023 07:13

End this relationship. It will not work out for you. The parents of the girl need to work on what they are providing for her (stability/proper accommodation) and teach her to sleep in her own bed, all night. A child of this age should not be wandering into her mother every night like this (I could understand it if she was poorly though).

You will end up very resentful.

The daughter has eczema just because it is chronic not acute doesn't mean she isn't poorly.

fluffyduvetcover · 29/12/2023 08:22

Nothing wrong with a child of any age sharing a bed with his / her parent ( as long as parent agrees)
Not appropriate for her to be sharing a bed with her Mum's boyfriend
I think you're getting yourself into risky territory OP, it would only need the child to say something untoward had happened or for her to tell school friends about the sleeping arrangements, or for the child's father to find this inappropriate. You see where I'm going? Before you know it this little girl will be in puberty.
Mine bunked in with me when I became a lone parent, no way would I ever have allowed an unrelated person of any sex to share the bed while they were there

AlisonDonut · 29/12/2023 08:27

Perhaps she doesn't want to hear you humping her mum every night? This age gap is simply awful. You are almost as close to the daughter's age than you are to her mother's.

Deeply creepy.

Starseeking · 29/12/2023 08:41

You don't need this sort of hassle at your age.

Leave and find someone a similar age to you, without DC so you can build a life together.

opalescent · 29/12/2023 08:58

Good god.
There is no issue here, other than you wanting more sex.
This little girl has been through a massive upheaval and needs her mum.
The age gap here is very odd.
The whole post makes me feel weird.

AuntMarch · 29/12/2023 09:01

user1492757084 · 29/12/2023 03:14

Options ..
You leave.

Put a simple lock on your SD door and install a baby monitor and always have your GF go into her daughter's room not vice versa, never to share a bed but to comfort back to sleep and then leave and lock.

Decide for GF to sleep every second night with you - then you get every second night a full uninterupted sleep.

WTF!

DO NOT lock her in!!

maddiemookins16mum · 29/12/2023 09:01

You won’t get a reasonable answer on here for many reasons I’m afraid.

Why? You’re a male. Also, MN are obsessed with co-sleeping and any kind of adult relationship takes 2nd place when co-sleeping is concerned.

CanImakethisbetter · 29/12/2023 09:04

Would love to see that conversation happen

’partner, I don’t get enough sex from you. So I am installing a lock on your daughters door so we can get some sleep and shag’

if she didn’t kick him out immediately, social services should be involved.

I know the Op didn’t suggest locking the door? But whichever dickhead sat there and typed that didn’t think the consequences or the abuse factor through.

Imagine suggesting locking a child away so a man get shag his girlfriend.

TinyYellow · 29/12/2023 09:04

When I was younger than your dsd I used to do the same. It was because I didn’t like my step dad as he was a nasty bastard and in my child’s mind I thought I’d be able to get him to leave if I annoyed him enough. It half worked.

ohdamnitjanet · 29/12/2023 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

😂

Snowforabit · 29/12/2023 09:09

Plumful · 29/12/2023 07:33

You’re 26. Find someone your own age without baggage.

this 100% if you were my son I would be telling you to run

Snowforabit · 29/12/2023 09:10

maddiemookins16mum · 29/12/2023 09:01

You won’t get a reasonable answer on here for many reasons I’m afraid.

Why? You’re a male. Also, MN are obsessed with co-sleeping and any kind of adult relationship takes 2nd place when co-sleeping is concerned.

so true...

Malarandras · 29/12/2023 09:11

When my husband died my 9 year old daughter slept with me for months. It was emotional upset obviously and she needed to be with me. The situation here is not the same but it will still be causing emotional upset for the little girl. In my case my daughter outgrew it and I would think the same will happen here. I don’t really have any advice other than to say please be mindful of her feelings, 9 is very young.