SD wakes her mother up every night and we're both exhausted

[Mtjscott]

My girlfriend (40) and I (M26) moved in together at the start of November. We have her daughter 5 days out of the week. And since moving into the new house together, I can count on my hand the amount of nights that me and my gf have slept on in the same bed for a full night.

Like clockwork, 15 mins after my girlfriend's head hits the pillow, her daughter (9yo) will come into the room and complain that she can't get to sleep.

We start the bed time routine at 7:30 / 8 on a weekend. Shower, hair brush, teeth, cream for exma on, noise machine and night light on and mummy sits with and cuddles her then she's off to sleep.
We leave the landing lamp on just in case.

When we first moved she was up and down the stairs until we'd go to bed. And often my girlfriend would just disappear when called and I wouldn't see her again until the morning.

After the first month we managed to get her to stay in bed. But as I have said, it's like she has some magic 6th sense. We could be in bed, talking and cuddling and then as soon as my girlfriend closes her eyes, 15-20 mins later, she would come in and wake her up with "I can't sleep". Even though she has been flat out snoring in bed up until then.

And she won't go to sleep until her mother either goes to sleep with her or at least strokes her hair until she falls asleep at which point my girlfriend is shattered and sleeping in the same bed anyway.

There have been three occasions in which her daughter has ended up in our bed sleeping with us. Usually as my girlfriend has, whilst half asleep, just lifted up the covers and let her in. Each time I have put my foot down for all the obvious reasons. That can't be allowed to happen.

It has set me on edge every night and I can't get to sleep because I'm listening to every creak and noise dreading that the next one will be her coming in to disturb us.

I'm extremely frustrated because my girlfriend is exhausted and is constantly tired. Her daughter scratches, kicks and grabs in her sleep and my gf doesn't sleep well at all when in the same bed.

And it's killed any intimacy we have in our relationship because we can't get a minute to ourselves. Any day we do have together without SD is spent trying to catch up on lost sleep or jobs we couldn't do because she needs her mother to sleep.

Before I started to stay over, they slept in the same bed at their old house. However, I've been staying at their house on a regular basis, sometimes a week or more at a time, a year now. She has had her bedtime routine pretty much together.

We knew it would be a struggle for her with mood and sleep moving into her new house but I can't seem to help or change anything and it's killing me.

It doesn't help that when my gf and her ex split, he moved into a caravan with a tiny room for their daughter. So instead of sleeping in her own room whilst at her dad's, they sleep in the same bed and don't plan to change that as far as I'm aware.

I don't want to insert myself into their relationship or tell my girlfriend or her ex how to parent but I don't think this is healthy at all.

I've had several conversations about it during the day with my girlfriend voicing my concerns but my frustrations about her lack of sleep just get palmed off with a "don't worry about it. I'm used to it". And the fact that she is still leaving our bed to sleep with her daughter is responded to with "we knew this was going to be an issue and it will take time, we just need to get her skin better and then things will get better". "I'm her comfort blanket and she needs me right now".

But what if her skin doesn't get better? Why are we jumping to the nuclear option of her sleeping with her every night without question or chance of change?

And trying to reason with my gf at night when it happens is a no go because she half asleep and I usually just get a kiss "don't worry about it" and she leaves the room.

Don't get me wrong. I completley empathise with SD. It's all a big change to a place she isn't used to and the skin condition is hard to deal with to boot.

I just can't stand the lack of sleep and lack of intimacy or closeness, as well as the change in mood due to tiredness/frustration in our relationship now without having a plan to fix it.
I can't keep pushing it off and saying it will change eventually and pinning it on an arbitrary "when she gets better" date because who knows when that will be. And when I suggest putting her to bed and coming back, or telling her to go to bed without leaving. Or working up to that I'm shot down.

I'm pulling my hair out here. I just want the best for everyone. Please, any advice would be appreciated.

You sound fundamentally incompatible, due to the age gap and completely different life stages… this child has been through a lot and is understandably her mother’s top priority. This situation is unlikely to get any easier over time tbh, if you were my son I’d advise you to move on and find someone your own age

It is not ok to lock a child into their room at night.

You could use a baby monitor so she can call out and her Mum can go in to her. Add a double bed so they can sleep comfortably. As for the rest, you've just moved house, she's had a lot of changes in the last year plus she has a medical condition which can be very painful and distressing. Whether you like it or not it will take time. There are no quick answers here and it sounds like your GF is doing the right thing and putting her child first. If you can't cope with that you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone with a young child.

Due to the age gap and difference in life stages, I think you should just call it a day.

I’m not really concerned about you like I would be if you was a 26 year old woman and your boyfriend was 40 with a kid. That scenario is a whole different ball game due to the way so many dads behave. Especially men in their late 30s/ early 40s who think they can pull a 26 year old woman and use her to facilitate his man child existence.

What I will say though is that you are young and there are plenty more fish in the sea. There are women without kids who you can have an happy and uninterrupted life with. I have kids and I’m mid 30s. I wouldn’t expect a younger man to give up his life and freedom for me.

I find the all the 'we' talk about this girls bedtime routine creepy.

What do you mean 'we start the bedtime routine' etc etc.

Why is her mum's 26 year old boyfriend at all involved with her bedtime?

Back the fuck off if you are. That's not appropriate.

They are a family. You sound ridiculous.

If you don't like it, then go and find someone else who suits your lifestyle and stage of life better.

I wonder if Op will come back do a surprise reveal like on the other age gap one from yesterday.

Then get it deleted. 🙄

Oh god another ignorant post on diet and illness.

Not everyone with eczema has it due to "nightshades"

Seriously where do you quacks come from?

Your problem is that this is normal for this child. Both her parents have normalised collecting. For them this was fine. It is hardly surprising she needs her mum to sleep. You may well have chosen to live together too soon.

OP I get you may like older women but this particular older woman is not the right one for you as she has another more pressing commitment.

I suggest you call it a day on this relationship. If your preference is older women choose a childless one, or one with adult children.

Oh and be warned ensure you use contraception properly until she has definitely reached the menopause unless you want to be a father unexpectedly....

Normalised cosleeping

Locking her in?

That is utterly insane. And abusive.

I have a 9 and 10 year old

They still get into bed with us

I probably sleep in with each of them a couple of times a month which they love

They have double beds for that purpose

They are children for such a short time I'm not going to push them away

This nine year old needs her mum clearly. You build strong attachments by keeping them close and showing love. Stop rushing this and stop thinking of yourself.

Yes. Locks on the outside of children's doors? Absolutely. And in fact have reported.

The risk of reporting versus not reporting is tiny.

I’d report too, for sure.

Totally agree.

It really has the feel of someone very young and lacking in life experience, who is enjoying the novelty of being a 'step parent' and has no idea what it really is to raise a child.

I’m waiting for the drip-feed where it turns out the mother split from the father 7 month ago and has been with the OP for 6 months.

Dude, stay out of this little girl’s bedtime routine. It’s weird.

Cannot believe I just read this ! Not a cat in hells chance I’d vacate my bed for a 9 year old. Neither would I tolerate my partner not sleeping in bed with me (obviously unless there was illness or a valid reason) letting the child choose and have everything as they desire is not parenting.

This. It is not in the child’s best interest for you to be moved in to her home. If the mother wasn’t prioritising her kid, you should have the sense to.

Date away from her kid, or date a woman from your own generation and life stage.

Being pestered for sex (I bet you do OP) is absolutely exhausting on top of mothering a child through a massive change. No wonder the poor woman says she's tired.
It sounds like you get the bed to your self most nights, have a warm milk and get some shut eye. Then get up and do some house work, believe me not having to cook and clean is a big turn on.

Tolerate?

So if you partner preferred sleeping alone your wouldn’t tolerate it?

Surely an adult gets to sleep where they feel is best.

I think I have a different perspective on this and I am in a similar situation only genders are reversed. Is have had to straight up tell my husband he cannot sleep all night in bed with his daughter when his wife is in another room if he wants the marriage to last. It is normal and healthy for a child to learn to sleep in his or her own bed and self soothe on waking. If your other half is not willing to get her child sleeping alone through the night she will struggle to maintain an adult relationship.

Your husband. Not a BF you moved in with 20 minutes ago.

Right…but how are they supposed to progress a relationship when a child is manipulating the situation by refusing to allow her mother to sleep with a partner through the night? It was an issue in our relationship from the start because it was a way his child could try and exert control over our partnership. The mother needs to take control here and stop enabling her daughter to control her like this. You take the child back to her room, give her a kiss and remind her ‘grown ups sleep with their partner, children sleep on their own.’ Not doing this is going to end an ability to forge a healthy adult partnership.

So a marriage can only last if they share a bed?

Do you not see the irony of saying a child should be able to sleep alone. But an adult in a relationship shouldn’t also be able to sleep alone.

The fact that you then go on to decide the that it’s deliberate manipulation on the part of the child suggests you don’t think of the child involved kindly. The fact that you assume this child is deliberately manipulating the mother, despite the massive differences in the 2 situations and not knowing the child suggests you don’t have the ability to understand children and how external influences can impact them.

When I had young kids if dp had ever told me how I should and shouldn’t look after my child and threatened to leave over it, I would have happily showed him the door. He doesn’t have to like how I parent. I don’t have to parent how he believes is correct. And if he wants to leave over it then we aren’t compatible.

Your husband bending to your ultimatums isn’t a flex. Especially, when you think this is anywhere near the same situation.

If your husband moved in with you after dating for a short time, then parented his child how you said he should, that’s a massive negative.

@CanImakethisbetter yes, children manipulate. I have children. We are living in a time when parents think they should cater to every emotional fluctuation a kid has, rather than teaching them to cope and manage difficult emotions. See results: massive mental health crisis in young adults, who don't know how to regulate their emotions.

Any child, given the chance, would sleep all night with mum and dad in the same bed, so most people who want to maintain e.g. a sex life teach their kids that they have to sleep in their own bed at some point (I fully support co-sleeping until about 2, when the kid starts to individuate, but then the work of parenting is 'go back to your bed, I love you, I'll see you in the morning').

It's not an unusual or unique situation the OP is presenting: that a parent who has been single for a while got closeness and comfort from co-sleeping with an older child, and now it's a problem. You see this issue a lot in stepparenting forums, and literature. This is why divorce counsellors often suggest you don't use your children for comfort sleeping after a break up in this way.

Yes, I have boundaries in my relationship, one is: I want to share a bed with my husband and not have his kid waking us up/coming in and sleeping with us. Most people have to accomodate a partner in a marriage, and there are times where you put intimacy with your spouse above a non-essential need of your child.

Not sure what you expected. Her daughter comes first, always will. So, you’ve three options, like it, lump it or move out.