To those SPs on their knees. I quit step parenting a year ago and it’s bliss!

[IQuitStepParentingandILikedIt]

I know my pov is quite rare so I wanted to share about the most peaceful year of my adult life.

DSD and her abusive mother made my life hell continuously in large and small ways. I was ready to leave DH last Christmas due to the unhappiness I felt trapped within.

Instead, I told DSD (17) and her mother that neither were to come into my home again. Ever.

There was the predictable slew of abuse etc but nothing they weren’t returning my decade’s worth of kindness with anyway, so I took it on the chin and blocked them on all platforms.

In this one year, my mental space has opened up so much room for creative pursuits, friendships, lovely outings and holidays with DH and our DD. No drama, no abuse just peace and safety.

I’ve just had the most calm, warm and beautiful Christmas ever and I don’t regret my decision one bit.

As women, we are held to saintly standards and expected to love another man’s children, carry a huge burden of domestic labour and mental load to meet their needs. We’re expected to allow step children to get away with overstepping our own boundaries and often feel like strangers in our own homes. Weekends interfered with, plans changed, no thanks from anyone ever despite the enormous sacrifices.

Best decision I’ve ever made.

Sad it had to be this way but DSD and her mother wouldn’t even meet me half way so I was out. And it’s bliss.

Nobody has to put up with rude offspring. You discipline them and if you can’t you just don’t include them in too much in your life.

Sure.

But OP's version of this has forced her DH into an awful situation. He goes along with it or he'll be separated from two DC. He has the right to have his DD in his house. (Presumably it's not just OP's house)

That right has been taken away from him by OP.

It's not easy for her I understand but forcing a scenario where one child is treated preferentially is really wrong.

There must have been some terrible behaviour for you to be forced to make this decision and you tried for 10 years. It always seems to be the step mum who gets it in the neck, I hope DSD is ok and can find a relationship that works with dad but ultimately that isn’t down to you. Wishing Good luck for the future for all of you.

Hang on… you live three doors away from his abusive ex wife and step daughter? They make your life hell and you’re almost next door neighbours? Why?

There is way more to this dynamic than is being revealed here.

It sounds like you have done the right thing under the circumstances! I saw a thread on here recently about a women whos SS was physically abusing her and causing havoc in the home and potentially could of turned on her children next and everyone was urging her to get the boy (16) out of there immediately so why is this any different if your home has become unsafe for your child? Its up to your husband to talk to your SD and work with her on her behaviour so she can hopefully be allowed back into your family home again. The problem sounds like her mothers influence is going to make it harder for that to happen! 17 is young but also she needs to understand the harsh reality of consequences of bad behaviour now or shes grow up continuing to treat people like crap. You are not wrong for your decision.

When you are 17 and hurt a small child repeatedly.

You should expect not to be invited into a house to do it again.

This is not choosing one child over another, it's called safeguarding.

Yep. He's shown who he is. If the OP is honest with herself this will always be at the back of her mind now.

My DM and SM hated each other. SM had been the OW and my DF left when I was 6. I tried so hard to be what each parent wanted me to be, masked so hard, while all I really wanted was my DF. My SM saw me as my DM, no matter how well I behaved (which wasn’t hard, I was a good child) she would always be cold and distant with me. I loved my DF and put up with the boring, lonely weekends at theirs just to see him.
As I got older I started to rebel. My MH was suffering, my SM had given me an eating disorder from being over bearing when it came to food. My DF was henpecked by her and he wanted the easy life so went along with her ideas of how she wanted things to be. The only photo of me was in their spare room, I wasn’t allowed personal belongings in my room as it was a guest room. I just felt like a visitor every time. A ghost.
I’ve had a lot of therapy over the years, but these things still linger in me, feeling just not good enough. I’ve been NC with all my parents for a while now. They all damaged me, but apparently my SM loves me and their door is always open. Nope, I’m done chasing love.
The people who suffered in my story were DF and I. I know he loves me, but I can’t do it anymore. It’s too hard. The villains in my story were my DM and SM, both evil in their quest for power. It messed me up a lot as I’d had a big tragic event just after my DF left and really needed the love and support from the grownups around me.
I am the black sheep.

I find this one very difficult.

On the one hand, OP is absolutely entitled not to be abused and ill-treated in her own home. Her DD is entitled to feel safe in her own home too. If there were no children between OP and her DH, I would say that OP should have left him, rather than ban DSD from her home, but she has her own DD to consider and breaking up their family unit is clearly not on her agenda. It sounds as though OP tried her best to make it work but she doesn't have to tolerate abuse and disrespect towards herself and her DD, whilst her DH stands by and does nothing out of fear. This is such a massive problem with non-resident parents - they are so dominated by their own fear that the SDC will not choose to see them anymore that they allow unacceptable behaviour and boundaries become completely blurred and eroded. If he leaves OP, he then has two daughters he can't live with. Ultimately, DH is the problem, not OP. She reached her tolerance levels and acted to protect her own DD and herself. She could have chosen to leave but why should she take a course of action which would result in her not living with her own DD full time to enable DH and DSD to have a part-time home together? There is simply no easy way through this one and, when push comes to shove, DH has not parented DSD effectively when she has been in their home and has not maintained acceptable boundaries with his ex - these things were his responsibility. The result is that OP has been forced to protect her own boundaries, for her sake and that of their DD. I don't see what else she could have done without accepting damage of some kind to her own DD, who is and should be her first priority.

Tell me how naive you are without saying you're naive.

Well maybe he doesn’t like seeing his wife and daughter being treated like shit in their own home and maybe he also doesn’t want his stepdaughter there. Could you just stand by and watch two people you love, one being a young child, be abused in their home and turn a blind eye to it?

Another favourite line of MN is : “You have a DH problem” when it comes to unacceptable behaviour being allowed, especially when it’s in relation to how he allows relatives of his treat to his wife poorly.

I don’t see that line being trotted out on this thread though……..

Surprise, surprise, the error as always lies with the Evil Step Mother 🙄

Women take on the burden of looking after their partner's children from previous relationships far too often.
Shabby lazy fathers pass on the burden and the stress. I knew my DC were in safer hands when a witness/gf materialised.

I think if you’ve worked in prisons and mental health services for a while you can see the impact of ACES and know that often presenting behaviour is reflective of underlying trauma.

Of course, you can simplify that to bad / good behaviour / old enough to know better but research and experience of life shows it’s not that simple in many cases

So interesting that we are allowed - even encouraged - to put up boundaries and cut off almost anyone who is deemed 'toxic' (particularly ILs) except stepchildren.

And SM's should be forced sign a legal undertaking never to have DC of their own so as not to upset SC or SC's mother

so much more convenient for everyone 🙄

I don’t see that line being trotted out on this thread though……..

It's literally what I've said. This is a DH problem and yet OP thinks she's fixed it by removing the SC, not the husband.

Op has repeatedly said her mother is abusive. I'm sure her home life with her mother is far from stable and nurturing if that's the case.

And the woman is at fault again I see….

@MySecret21 I didn't say the OP was at fault, I'm questioning her definition of victory, she's displaced the problem, if she wants true happiness she has severed the wrong part because if her husband was a true supportive partner I doubt she'd be in this position. I'm challenging her on whether this will truly solve the problem, not that what she has done is inherently wrong. So no quite the opposite, I'm not saying it's her fault at all.

Or the stepparent, before she became so, could have chosen not to put themselves in the middle of a dysfunctional broken family and then make it worse by adding another child. She could have picked one of the millions of childless men out there instead, and the DH could have chosen to focus on his damaged daughter and help her cope with her abusive mother and her trauma from the breakdown of her family. But the OP and her bloke both thought with their genitals instead, and here they all are.

Yeah. How awful it is for the grown adults making choices they can freely walk away from at any time. While those evil malevolent DSC are just having such a great time living between homes, being displaced by half siblings, and eventually being discarded when their resulting mental health problems are just too much of a ballache for any of the adults involved to acknowledge or deal with. Poor, poor stepparents.

Blimey what a roasting op has had here. I am not a step parent but my teenage son (my own son) was so disrespectful to me I called time on his living with me. I have encouraged him to try to communicate to me why he was so disrespectful. If he has something meaningful to say I will listen. So far nothing. I'm the parent he's cut out.
I dont think teenagers are served well by being left alone in the delusionAl belief that they can stomp around, tell people to fuck off, slam doors, cook at two am. Whatever the issues are.
I put my foot down. That doesnt mean that if my son wants to raise something with me that I won't listen!!

Teenagers can be hardwork for sure. But lying down on the ground and letting them walk all over you while plundering you for resources doesn't fix things.

Well it’s been 12 months she went NC and stopped DSD coming to the home and considering how much better the last year has been for OP, and how happy she still is, I think it’s fair to say that it definitely did solve the problem 😂👍

So only those people in step families think with their genitals 😂 . Ridiculous. All you are saying here is that step parent families essentially should not exist if the step mum should have known better .Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Still ignoring the abuse and the point of the thread . Continue to bash OP though.

Ps I'm a very single single parent. Not prioritising a bf. So that is not why my son was so disrespectful to me.