To those SPs on their knees. I quit step parenting a year ago and it’s bliss!

[IQuitStepParentingandILikedIt]

I know my pov is quite rare so I wanted to share about the most peaceful year of my adult life.

DSD and her abusive mother made my life hell continuously in large and small ways. I was ready to leave DH last Christmas due to the unhappiness I felt trapped within.

Instead, I told DSD (17) and her mother that neither were to come into my home again. Ever.

There was the predictable slew of abuse etc but nothing they weren’t returning my decade’s worth of kindness with anyway, so I took it on the chin and blocked them on all platforms.

In this one year, my mental space has opened up so much room for creative pursuits, friendships, lovely outings and holidays with DH and our DD. No drama, no abuse just peace and safety.

I’ve just had the most calm, warm and beautiful Christmas ever and I don’t regret my decision one bit.

As women, we are held to saintly standards and expected to love another man’s children, carry a huge burden of domestic labour and mental load to meet their needs. We’re expected to allow step children to get away with overstepping our own boundaries and often feel like strangers in our own homes. Weekends interfered with, plans changed, no thanks from anyone ever despite the enormous sacrifices.

Best decision I’ve ever made.

Sad it had to be this way but DSD and her mother wouldn’t even meet me half way so I was out. And it’s bliss.

Exactly

I expect if op was being abused and said child could go to the fathers ( or some comparable situation ) , then she would do the same . Look at how many people post about their own children on Mumsnet. Poor behaviour exists everywhere. But it’s always excused if it is towards a step parent . Bizarre .

@Isometimeswonder and @arewedoneyet

100% agree.

I think there is a difference between choosing OP over DSD, and simply maintaining healthy boundaries. It sounds like there were none, and so OP has done what she needed for the sake of her mental health. WELL DONE!!

All very good apart from the fact your DH has lost his relationship with his daughter. He did choose you over her, so I don’t blame her. She’s a victim of parent alienation and whilst this approach has enriched your life, your DH has lost a daughter. And you think it’s something to celebrate?

Okay , just ignore the abuse suffered by OP 🙄

Perhaps the mother should have put her daughter first and then the DSD and DH could have had a fair shot at a relationship.

There are many people to consider in this, not just DSD

Very well done, OP.

A joy to read a step mother refusing to take shit from the ex.

DSD is old enough to know what she's doing and if she's a danger to her sibling she has no place in the sibling's home. Anyone thinking otherwise is bonkers.

@seethebrightside but what of the marriage though? When you marry a person with a child it isn't really possible to sever that relationship, OP may have successfully managed the relationship with the SC to her satisfaction, but is she really kidding herself that her marriage has any chance of survival in the situation she's described? Whether that's because her DH is failing her as a husband or because she is failing him as a wife, I'm not sure which, but it's not working is it? The only way she really can successfully extract herself from the situation is to end the farce of this blended family, it's failed.

Good for you! I am not a step-parent but I did cut out mentally draining family members from my life and feel so much better for it.

DSD lives 3 doors down from us anyway

Curious as to why you live so close to the ex wife?

Good for you, OP, for putting in some much needed boundaries. I'm not a step mum but am amazed at the shit SMs are supposed to put up with by many on MN. No wonder the step kids act so badly.

YANBU OP.

I feel sorry for Step Mothers as according to MN they can’t do anything right.

I saw a post where someone said they couldn’t believe you’d made this decision when DSD is 17 and that you should have waited until she was a bit older and a bit more mature, but just prior to that there was a reply from a woman who had step-children in their late 20’s who were still nasty to her and massively impacting on her life in a really negative way.

There comes a point where you have to say that enough is enough.

17 year olds shouldn’t be raised to think they can treat people like shit and it’s fine to do so.

If your DSD was yours and your DH’s joint
biological child you’d be getting lots of support about how you shouldn’t have to tolerate that kind of behaviour from a child who is nearly an adult and how it’s completely the right thing to protect your younger child and that you should ask the older one to move out etc, but when it’s a stepchild, they should be allowed to behave how they want no matter how damaging they are being.

It such double standards.

I haven’t seen a previous thread from you but it seems that posters who have read it fully understand why you had to go no contact and so I am glad you are happy now.

DSD is old enough to know what she's doing

Tell me you don’t understand ACES without telling me you don’t understand ACES.

Good on you OP. You can clearly see from the replies, who the vipers are in real life.

You are right , it definitely can work and I do think a lot of people go into it with the best of intentions.

How would you like if your DD was shunned by her fathers new wife and not allowed in her house.
your DH has taken sides although you havent given us the full back story. The poor SD. Its all lovely you can forget about her basically

I haven't read your other thread.

I think this an absolutely appalling way to behave, and framing it as some kind of empowerment is nauseating.

It sounds as if you were in a very tough position. But imagine how tough a position you have put your DH in? If he leaves, he's leaving his DD with you. He now has lost contact with his other DD - whatever her behavioural issues, she's correct - he has prioritised you & your DD together over her.

I would never be a step-parent. I would never be in a blended family situation (I'm a single parent to 3). That's my choice, and the consequence is I've been single since my marriage ended.

You should have identified these issues at a much earlier point in the relationship (which you say you did) and not married & had a child with this man.

The gloating smug tone of your posts is awful.

I totally agree. And sad that the two sisters are also alienated all because the parents of the first child cannot create good boundaries.

👏

It takes guts to confront the problem of step-parenting the way you've done in Mumsnet. Society expectation of step mums is often to roll over, accept the dysfunction their spouse first marriage and kids bring with, shut up and put up with years of disrespect and emotional abuse.

Kudos to you for saying enough.

As women, we are held to saintly standards and expected to love another man’s children, carry a huge burden of domestic labour and mental load to meet their needs.

Well yes, if you choose to partner with a man who has children. Parents and children come as packages so no, you don't get to have the man and fuck his children off. He should be parenting them, though. If he's not, is he a good man? If he's ditching all his responsibility on to you, is that the child's fault?

Weekends interfered with, plans changed, no thanks from anyone ever despite the enormous sacrifices.

Welcome to parenthood. Sorry, none of us get medals for it.

you don't get into a relationship with someone thinking that they have a relative that is going to behave terribly for a decade and then let it continue.

No one should have to put up with that type of behaviour, its not acceptable and wouldn't be tolerated in any other walk of life.

What you have written is that the OP went into the relationship thinking that any child she had would supersede the existing child - you made that up

100% this

Good for you OP, not everything in life can be worked out. You’ve left them to it and not compromised your own mental health.

@MikeRafone why do you use the word relative instead of child? It seems that it's a way to distance the nature of the relationship. And also yeah the OP is prioritising her own child by removing the step daughter

Hard of reading? Dh and his dd have continued to meet up exactly as before, live 3 doors apart.

If HE had have put his foot down with his own daughter, HE would have blown up the whole relationship.

@IQuitStepParentingandILikedIt In effect being the ‘bad guy’ is a means to an end and is the best outcome this situation could have produced

It’s all well and good saying Dsd has no concept of boundaries- at home perhaps, but in the outside world I’m sure she’s cottoned on that if you treat people badly, there ARE consequences

this thread also reminds me that there are women who are the ExDW in this situation who think that step mothers (never fathers) just need to shut up and put up with their appalling behaviour or their rude kids.

no. Nobody has to put up with rude offspring. You discipline them and if you can’t you just don’t include them in too much in your life.