To those SPs on their knees. I quit step parenting a year ago and it’s bliss!

[IQuitStepParentingandILikedIt]

I know my pov is quite rare so I wanted to share about the most peaceful year of my adult life.

DSD and her abusive mother made my life hell continuously in large and small ways. I was ready to leave DH last Christmas due to the unhappiness I felt trapped within.

Instead, I told DSD (17) and her mother that neither were to come into my home again. Ever.

There was the predictable slew of abuse etc but nothing they weren’t returning my decade’s worth of kindness with anyway, so I took it on the chin and blocked them on all platforms.

In this one year, my mental space has opened up so much room for creative pursuits, friendships, lovely outings and holidays with DH and our DD. No drama, no abuse just peace and safety.

I’ve just had the most calm, warm and beautiful Christmas ever and I don’t regret my decision one bit.

As women, we are held to saintly standards and expected to love another man’s children, carry a huge burden of domestic labour and mental load to meet their needs. We’re expected to allow step children to get away with overstepping our own boundaries and often feel like strangers in our own homes. Weekends interfered with, plans changed, no thanks from anyone ever despite the enormous sacrifices.

Best decision I’ve ever made.

Sad it had to be this way but DSD and her mother wouldn’t even meet me half way so I was out. And it’s bliss.

No,but it's also not ok for a father to refuse to house his 17yo child IMO. If the OP has had enough that is her right, but if he was any kind of dad he'd say that he and his daughter are a package deal, and if she can't handle the DD that's the end of their cohabiting. He could set himself up in a flat and see both his DDs there at different times, if that relationship really is so detrimental for the youngest as has been suggested. He can't just ditch his difficult kid and say "well I'll meet you at your abusive mother's house but you have no safe haven with me". She has to live with her abusive mother, the mother who is apparently such an awful person her husband left her and the OP was severely mentally harmed by her. But that's fine good enough for the DSD apparently.

All the adults get to do the walking away here it seems. The kids are stuck with what they get.

Thanks for your story . I think OP probably knew she would be roasted . The step parent bashers are always waiting in the wings with the usual comments. I think her story is great .

Both. Equally. Neither should get more of him than the other. If that means he needs to set up a home and see them half the time each then so be it. But then of course he'd be a full time parent with no woman doing it all for him while he sits about watching, of course.

"It’s really sad for DH"
"I don’t give a shit about what DH may or may not think in a few years time!"
"DH could always have said he didn’t agree with me and moved out."

But surely as DH is a parent he should have nipped it in the bud, you are targeting the wrong person

"He should have, you are right. But for reasons stated earlier in the thread, he didn’t.
So here we are."

@MySecret21 does this sound like a marriage that's going to work? I think OP has done what she's needed to do to protect herself and her daughter in the short term, but ultimately her husband is a spineless let down and this marriage is doomed for failure. I admire the OP for doing what she's needed to do thus far, but I think she is naive to think she has gone far enough and that this man will be a different kind of man for her and her daughter than he was for his eldest daughter.

We are estranged from a sc at her request. similar age and the second time it's happened. This time there was awful behaviour and so many lies going on in our home and I now look back and realise this is the right thing for me to have no contact so I respect her wishes and have no contact.
But it's not blissful as my husband is struggling at the loss of the relationship and that is a cloud that hangs over us every single day and affects our marriage. He'd have her back in a heartbeat and I would support him but have measures in place to protect my self, my belongings etc. I don't want her in my home ever again if I could choose, but I would if I had too for him and for her ultimately. I can have a period of calm without shutting the door forever ( this is her decision though when the boundaries we'd always enforced around this particular behaviour were upheld so I've no doubt she's doing it all mums albeit behind her back)

There's no victory in our story

Exactly this.

OP is keen to highlight the misogynistic tendency to blame the nearest women, yet has done exactly this! Happily ignoring any failings by SDs dad whilst blaming everything on DHs ex and a child (who must have been 7 years old when this all started. Sounds like an incredibly toxic situation all round.

I admire you, OP. No one should ever accept abusive behaviour in their home, whether from step kids or anybody. Pure misogyny from posters on this thread.

There are some really vindictive comments on this thread . Wishing for OPs demise. Absolutely rotten. I wish you all the happiness OP 😊

I think there was a thread which was very similar to this a while back (gloating and celebrating about being ‘empowered’ by, I think in that case, kicking step daughter out of the house to go and live with mum who as the thread developed turned out to have not been a great mum) turned out to be a troll which was heartening in one sense but in another sense those who came onto the thread agreeing with the OP were not insignificant in number which was concerning.

Troll thread or not , no step parent should be abused. Contrary to the Mumsnet narrative .

Ignore a lot of posters on here OP - they are just outraged that a woman (a stepmother especially!) has the audacity to put herself first and not be a total martyr! I think you’ve blown their minds OP!!

Talk about misquoting. Do you lie this much in real life?

Please point out where I wished for the Op's demise?!

Mature enough to apologise or are you going to double down?

What did he do before you two got together?

No, he might not be able to buy but he could rent.

At 17 she's too young to be dumped by her father.

Absolutely agree. Piss Poor Parenting from both her parents.

SM's get a rough time on MN, clearly a lot of bitter ex wives on here.

OP's job is to keep her own child safe, the Step- daughter has two parents who should've doing the same for her.

His daughter was there before you.

His first obligation was to her.

Door locks?

WTF has class got to do with it?

Apologise to you for calling you ( and others ) out for your unkind comments? You seem to have doubled down yourself.

Oh bollocks!

I don't particularly think you're a villain. But I do wonder about your husband.

It seems like he has no say in his life between his ex, his daughter and you.
So I'm not sure 'misogyny' is the right word here...

I'm not aware of any other threads so don't know the back story, but I think this is terribly sad while also thinking that the OP probably has her reasons.

My main sadness is for the SD as her being the problem here is a symptom not the cause. The adults in this situation had a responsibility to address these underlying issues when she was much younger. Of those adults, the OP has the least culpability.

IMO anyone committing to a relationship with someone who already has children should consider if they are willing to assume the full responsibilities of parenthood (even if the DC live with the other parent, because circumstances change) and walk away if they're not. It's a monumentally huge ask because it's often impossible for actual parents! But if you're never 100% all in from the start it's never going to work out well (not saying OP wasn't BTW - she could have been to start off with). Parents have a responsibility to check this before upending their children's lives by introducing a step parent. I'm not one for saying we should sacrifice our own needs on the altar of motherhood parenthood but children rarely do well with parents /SPs who can't prioritise a child's needs. The fact that men have been getting away with shit parenting/step-parenting for centuries is not something to aspire to. Blended families can and do work - but emotionally mature, well-balanced adults are a prerequisite for success.

However, I think there are circumstances in which banning a child from a home is absolutely acceptable. A child with an uncontrollable temper who physically hurts others, a child with drug addiction issues who leaves drug paraphernalia lying about, etc. In these cases though the issues have normally been building for some time and various services may be involved. The parents can't just abdicate responsibility. They still have a duty to provide access to shelter, sometimes with help from professionals (SD has her mum's in this case). A good parent will also help to signpost to help and support for their child, although they can't make them engage (less clear in this case).

The issues with SD will have been building for years and of the 3 adults involved here, SM has the least power to do anything about those issues. She doesn't even have PR. If she's reached the end of her rope, I understand why she's now in full on protective mode over her own DD. However, I think this has only kicked the can down the road, not resolved the issue. Hence the sadness.

There are huge, huge questions to be asked of DH in this scenario. How hard has he tried to address the issues? If he's been blocked at every turn by SD's mum, has this ever resulted in a conversation to have DD live with him to remove her from her mother's toxic (and therefore abusive) influence? If not, why not? What lengths is he going to now? What's DD been told about her SD's absence? How is their relationship being facilitated? While it's good she sees boundaries maintained and her home is kept safe, what's been said to her to reassure her that love from her parents isn't conditional on acceptance of good behaviour? (Children do not understand the nuances). What has she internalised about her expectations in future relationships through seeing her mum take control and her father be so passive? These are big questions that won't go away because of one peaceful Christmas. SD may be excluded from the conversation for now, but I'd highly recommend family therapy to work through all these issues before they become deep fractures in the OPs remaining nuclear family.

I did a similar thing with my mil and her partner. I was also painted as the bad guy but I put up with years of nastiness from them so I’ve had no regrets.

This awful, toxic situation is obviously (understandably) still taking up a lot of your headspace. I think the only way you will ever be free of it and genuinely at peace is if you divorce. No man is worth this kind of aggro- what were you thinking when you decided to bring a baby into this circus?

As she was what, 7? when you got together, where is your husband's responsibility in all this?

So you're blaming the child for her father's shit parenting?