To those SPs on their knees. I quit step parenting a year ago and it’s bliss!

[IQuitStepParentingandILikedIt]

I know my pov is quite rare so I wanted to share about the most peaceful year of my adult life.

DSD and her abusive mother made my life hell continuously in large and small ways. I was ready to leave DH last Christmas due to the unhappiness I felt trapped within.

Instead, I told DSD (17) and her mother that neither were to come into my home again. Ever.

There was the predictable slew of abuse etc but nothing they weren’t returning my decade’s worth of kindness with anyway, so I took it on the chin and blocked them on all platforms.

In this one year, my mental space has opened up so much room for creative pursuits, friendships, lovely outings and holidays with DH and our DD. No drama, no abuse just peace and safety.

I’ve just had the most calm, warm and beautiful Christmas ever and I don’t regret my decision one bit.

As women, we are held to saintly standards and expected to love another man’s children, carry a huge burden of domestic labour and mental load to meet their needs. We’re expected to allow step children to get away with overstepping our own boundaries and often feel like strangers in our own homes. Weekends interfered with, plans changed, no thanks from anyone ever despite the enormous sacrifices.

Best decision I’ve ever made.

Sad it had to be this way but DSD and her mother wouldn’t even meet me half way so I was out. And it’s bliss.

THEIR house, I presume. Not HER house.

Do what you need to do OP.

But you chose to be in a relationship with the child's parent!!?! You came second, it's your house second to the child who already existed how so step parents get to the point of thinking their higher in the hierarchy?!?

So who should be the most important person in the OP's life? The DSD or the Op's child?

@Dontcallmescarface you don't get into a relationship with someone who already has children and then have your own and think they supersede the existing child!!

You’re getting a rough time because you come across as cruel and callous, and a bit abusive yourself.

This completely.

It was a thread that was designed to stir up strong feelings.

Without being rude - I think op has posted not for the people who aren't step parents that like to tear strips into blended families

But for the people who are sp and are struggling.

Her message isn't go look at this horrific shit show that was detailed in a lot of detail in my previous thread.

I imagine this post is to say there's anything way to live, that when faced with abuse etc you don't just have to suffer in silence and you get to have boundaries.

I posted on here years ago about banning my elderly uncle from my home once it was revealed he had abused several of the younger children in the family and I wouldn't welcome him into my house. I had a lot of iabu - but my message wasn't to those cranks but to the survivors who were wobbling over trying to merge "protect my child" to "but hessss familllyy and he's old" -
You're entitled to say not today satan. Even as a sm.

And also what was done for ops dsd- that's firmly in mum and dads court and op is neither.

@namechangnancy you can't compare an abusive uncle with the child of a partner, if you exclude the latter the OP is everything they've been called on this thread

I don't quite understand how for years you could not prevent the mother from entering your house (er, locks? The same way you keep any other strangers outside?) yet all of a sudden were able to not only achieve precisely that (just with words it sounds like) but also Actively make her leave her own house (!!) to allow her exP to enter her house and parent from there?!
Both sets of situations seem SERIOUSLY imbalanced power-wise, and a complete 180 turn which sounds like there is a lot more to this story.

Tbh the whole situation sounds utterly toxic. Nobody is a winner really, are they?

Abusers don’t get to come first. At 17 she’s old enough to understand her behaviour- she’s not an unruly 5 year old. Many on MN have an ‘at 18 they are adults’ so she’s hardly a child.

her father sees her, she’s not cut off, just not allowed in OPs house to abuse her. Why is the OP suppose to put up with abuse from a nearly gown up woman?

Let's not pretend that even if it was her house (which btw most second marriages it is sm house)

That it would make an iota of a difference to people piling on op.

That happens in many non-blended families as well. How many times have there been threads on here where to OP has felt second best because their sibling happens to be the "Golden child"? No child should be above another in ANY family.

@Dontcallmescarface this isn't a thread posted about the feelings of the second child in a second family feeling unhappy. This is a grown adult projecting their feelings of wanting the man without the 'baggage' it's not comparable

It's not a competition. The kids should come first. Not OP. I don't believe for a second that DD was in physical danger from DSD. That just suits the OP's narrative.

@arewedoneyet at 17 that's a adult, I think you find I can and also I read the ops first thread.

The situation is absolutely comparable.

Not that the details matter I suppose 🙄

Because she is in a relationship with the father. She doesn't come first or she shouldn't do

You compared it to a situation which it isn't comparable to and then complained that people don't agree?!

I think you did the right thing for you and your DD who has to be your main priority.
Your DH should have left and got his own place. It would give me the ick if someone was such a bad parent.

Can anyone answer me.

If the 17 dsd is still seeing dad as regularly as he was ?

And op is protecting the younger child from harm (as detailed fairly extensively in a previous post) and made her home a no go.

And the only thing is the location of contact has changed.

How is that dad picking op over dsd ? Especially since frankly contact and over nights tend to move towards a less formal arrangement as the step kids are enter adulthood and have their own lives ?

OP without knowing all the background it’s difficult to judge and if your mental health is better it’s hard to say it was the wrong decision.

However, I would caveat, your DSD is just as much your DH child as your own so don’t slam that door. Teenagers aren’t always the most reasonable people but it doesn’t mean your relationship always has to be this way.

For the sake of everyone I’d personally consider leaving the door a crack open for when the step daughter is older and wiser. Boundaries are important but don’t make them immovable.

We don't know what type of abuse you have endured over the years but all I know is, I love my children unconditionally and nobody, not even their own father would be telling me that my children are not allowed into a home that I live in whether it's shared or not.

If that meant splitting with their father or a step parent (I am with their dad) then so be it, ultimately my children have and always will come first.

Out of curiosity OP if your own daughter behaved the same as your step daughter at that age, would you ban her too?

I have been the Step daughter in this situation. I felt awkward and like a stranger in my Dad and Step mother's house and lots of unpleasant conversations were had loudly, about me and in front of me as a 6,7,8,9 and 10 year old. My Step mother once also hit me mid argument with my Dad to spite him, I was just there at the wrong time. This has meant that I feel very anxious out of my comfort zone and away from the safety of home, I'm now mid forties. I see this very much from the other side and your post sounds gloating and callous but hey, you're happy now!

You said.."As women, we are held to saintly standards and expected to love another man’s children..."

Surely this is what you should do,if you choose a man who already has children?!