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Original poster

How do we deal with the expensive requests?

131 replies

geckofrog · 16/12/2023 08:17

So teen DSC's mum has clearly been saying "no, ask your dad" to some rather expensive requests. Phone contract, expensive clothing, a trip to a theme park with mates. The Christmas list this year was frankly embarrassing to give to their relatives who had asked for it as they usually spend about £20-£30 and everything on it was £100 plus. Not just one item, about 10.

Anyway how do we deal with this? Thing is I'm the higher earner at the moment and I do have some spare cash so I'm wondering if this has somehow come across as dad must have money of they are doing up their kitchen.

Should we just say no, ask your mum? Even though it's obvious she's sent DSC our way.

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Codlingmoths · 16/12/2023 08:18

Do you share all the children’s costs generally? Clothes, clubs, spending money…

Danikm151 · 16/12/2023 08:19

Just as you would with an adult. Sorry that’s out of our budget right now.

if they’ve asked you can say no and manage expectations

Original poster
geckofrog · 16/12/2023 08:19

Codlingmoths · 16/12/2023 08:18

Do you share all the children’s costs generally? Clothes, clubs, spending money…

No

I don't pay anything for them really I just put an amount based on income into the joint account and it comes from there. Maintenance is paid from dads earnings before the calculation.

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Original poster
geckofrog · 16/12/2023 08:20

Danikm151 · 16/12/2023 08:19

Just as you would with an adult. Sorry that’s out of our budget right now.

if they’ve asked you can say no and manage expectations

Thing is it will always be out of budget. Should dad say something like it's not fair to just keep asking us for things just because their mum has told them too?

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AppleKatie · 16/12/2023 08:21

I would leave mum out of it completely.

if you can afford it one expensive thing is normal I’d say but beyond that it’s a wish list they don’t get all of it.

i wouldn’t pass expensive lists on to family. I’d tell DSC the appropriate budget and say bluntly write a wish list in that range or you’ll likely end up with nothing/vouchers.

Pickles2023 · 16/12/2023 08:21

Say no and get one big thing..

Even if i was rolling in money, i still wouldnt be buying loads of expensive gifts and spending 1000. Makes them have unrealistic expectations and ungrateful. Plus the expectations get higher, spoil them rotten one year, they assume the same every christmas.

AppleKatie · 16/12/2023 08:22

DSC- can I have a new phone contract.

Dh- no, the one you have still has 6 months to run. And anyway that one is much more expensive than we would be able to get you.

etc…

SacreBleugh · 16/12/2023 08:22

How old are the children? Do you have any children if your own? I always kept everything strictly equal between step children and my own. I also think it's good policy to be open about money and what you can and can't afford.

stillavid · 16/12/2023 08:23

I wouldn't assume the mum told them to ask their dad. Teens like expensive shit is not news really.

I have teens and would have just said - can we have ideas across all budgets please. But I also would have just laughed at crazy requests and made a joke of it really. I most certainly would not have passed it on to other relatives.

I do think a lot of teens would rather have one big present in terms of cost rather than lots of smaller presents.

I really don't think it is a big deal - just have a conversation about budgets etc

Whataretheodds · 16/12/2023 08:23

Absolutely your husband needs to deal with it.

Original poster
geckofrog · 16/12/2023 08:23

AppleKatie · 16/12/2023 08:21

I would leave mum out of it completely.

if you can afford it one expensive thing is normal I’d say but beyond that it’s a wish list they don’t get all of it.

i wouldn’t pass expensive lists on to family. I’d tell DSC the appropriate budget and say bluntly write a wish list in that range or you’ll likely end up with nothing/vouchers.

She's not leaving us out of it. But yeah I get your point. I think next year you're right, dad needs to say look you need to have a list with items in this range or you're just going to end up with money/vouchers. It was so embarrassing. They've never had that much spent on them so I'm not sure why they thought this year it was doable. And maybe one or two expensive items so people can club together if they want.

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stillavid · 16/12/2023 08:25

Honestly it you look on TikTok or whatever you see the crazy things that 8 or 9 year olds are asking for nowadays - you just say no. As PP said it is a wish list not a demand.

Original poster
geckofrog · 16/12/2023 08:25

SacreBleugh · 16/12/2023 08:22

How old are the children? Do you have any children if your own? I always kept everything strictly equal between step children and my own. I also think it's good policy to be open about money and what you can and can't afford.

We do have a child of our own. I spend what I want on my child I earnt it. But anyway they aren't getting £250 worth of stuff no.

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Original poster
geckofrog · 16/12/2023 08:26

stillavid · 16/12/2023 08:25

Honestly it you look on TikTok or whatever you see the crazy things that 8 or 9 year olds are asking for nowadays - you just say no. As PP said it is a wish list not a demand.

Ok so it's kind of normal that's good to know. And next year dad needs to have some rules for the budget for their list.

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MilkChocolateCookie · 16/12/2023 08:26

This isn't specifically a step child problem. It's normal for children to hit their teens and start wanting more expensive clothes etc. I don't think you should be subsidising them, but could their dad afford to give their mum a bit more maintenance? The calculator often isn't very generous and she may be struggling.

Littlebluebird123 · 16/12/2023 08:27

Was the wish list done at Mums/with Mum?

Not quite the same situation but when I do my kids lists they are very aware of the budget. In fact, if they want a particularly expensive item then I will say it would need to be a joint family one IE grandparents, aunts and uncles. (They are all happy to do this). They've never had a problem with that and in fact it's so normalised that their lists are naturally reflective of the budget now.

Maybe the list for you/your family needs to be done with Dad after a realistic budget discussion. If they are after an expensive item they can ask for money towards it perhaps and the fact they'll only get one may help with the issue next year?

Original poster
geckofrog · 16/12/2023 08:29

@Littlebluebird123 Yes done with mum and then dad was given "half". Which I imagine mum selected.

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Singleandproud · 16/12/2023 08:30

I don't think it's an issue really, mum can't afford it so she's said no, they have two parents so if the second one says no that's just life.

However, I wouldn't be passing on the expensive wish list to family members that is just for their parent. As for phone contracts I'd offer one I could afford if the old phone was damaged in our house that would be a Nokia smart phone bought outright and a £4.50 a month ID mobile SIM. I think anyone paying £15+ a month now there are good alternatives is ridiculous and just paying for the brand.

Original poster
geckofrog · 16/12/2023 08:30

MilkChocolateCookie · 16/12/2023 08:26

This isn't specifically a step child problem. It's normal for children to hit their teens and start wanting more expensive clothes etc. I don't think you should be subsidising them, but could their dad afford to give their mum a bit more maintenance? The calculator often isn't very generous and she may be struggling.

If she's struggling she can get a different job and work more like I do. He pays above the calculator anyway

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Beautifulsunflowers · 16/12/2023 08:31

Manage expectations early. So next year in October decide on budget and let dsc know to give you ideas within the budget.
if they want a theme park trip with mates then money towards it or they can wash your car and do chores for £5 and earn some money towards it.
The problem with teens is that they have unrealistic expectations and compare what they have to their friends/ or online. They need to learn the value of money.

Original poster
geckofrog · 16/12/2023 08:31

Singleandproud · 16/12/2023 08:30

I don't think it's an issue really, mum can't afford it so she's said no, they have two parents so if the second one says no that's just life.

However, I wouldn't be passing on the expensive wish list to family members that is just for their parent. As for phone contracts I'd offer one I could afford if the old phone was damaged in our house that would be a Nokia smart phone bought outright and a £4.50 a month ID mobile SIM. I think anyone paying £15+ a month now there are good alternatives is ridiculous and just paying for the brand.

Yes unfortunately it's all about the iPhone now :(

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Bichonmum · 16/12/2023 08:32

Give them a budget and tell them they can have cash to go towards the expensive item if that's what they want.

I wouldn't give relatives a list of things that were out of their price range, just say dsc wants xyz if you would like to contribute toward it.

Quitelikeit · 16/12/2023 08:32

The common sense thing to do is call the mother, tell her what is on the list and ask what she is getting and then dad can decide what he will purchase from there.

Ten items costing £100 each amounts to 1k and it’s simply not doable

Original poster
geckofrog · 16/12/2023 08:32

Beautifulsunflowers · 16/12/2023 08:31

Manage expectations early. So next year in October decide on budget and let dsc know to give you ideas within the budget.
if they want a theme park trip with mates then money towards it or they can wash your car and do chores for £5 and earn some money towards it.
The problem with teens is that they have unrealistic expectations and compare what they have to their friends/ or online. They need to learn the value of money.

You're right. I'll speak to dad and say look you need to set them straight nicely next year. 10 days before Christmas is not the time to start asking for expensive stuff for Christmas especially when your original list was also expensive and things may have been purchased.

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Itsaselectionbox · 16/12/2023 08:33

Does Dad ever contribute to things like mobile phone contract, theme park visits? Yes these things are expensive but part of teen life. If Dad is having CMS deducted from his wages, he is paying the legal minimum so Mum can't be expected to foot the bill of everything else. With regards to present buying, I'd generally let teens have one expensive (but not crazy) item if I could afford it.