How do we deal with the expensive requests?

[geckofrog]

So teen DSC's mum has clearly been saying "no, ask your dad" to some rather expensive requests. Phone contract, expensive clothing, a trip to a theme park with mates. The Christmas list this year was frankly embarrassing to give to their relatives who had asked for it as they usually spend about £20-£30 and everything on it was £100 plus. Not just one item, about 10.

Anyway how do we deal with this? Thing is I'm the higher earner at the moment and I do have some spare cash so I'm wondering if this has somehow come across as dad must have money of they are doing up their kitchen.

Should we just say no, ask your mum? Even though it's obvious she's sent DSC our way.

Phone contacts don’t need to cost much

Essentials for life are mum. Fun and gifts are dad? Isn't this a bit… Disney Dad?

anyway, none of it is your responsibility, op, so just leave him to it.

They’re teenagers. Give them money. Say, ‘The items you selected are beyond our budget but we’re giving you xxx amount each to put towards whatever you want. Direct all your relatives to do the same. You can get them a few token gifts to open on the day. For example, I’m giving my 17yo money and a tote bag, nail kit, and oils for her steam diffuser - all of which I know she’ll use but were relatively inexpensive. It means they don’t end up with tat they don’t want or need and you can manage the budget without feeling put upon.

The relatives have already bought gifts

Essentials are what child maintenance covers and given that you can get a phone contract pretty cheaply and her dad pays what sounds like decent CM (per OP anyway) then if the parents deem this an essential it should be covered by mum using CM.

Oh weird! My teens couldn’t care less about a contract per se - they just know they want X amount of data that doesn’t run out.

Have a look here: https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/cheap-mobile-finder/

You can get masses of data for under £10-£15 a month on a rolling month-to-month SIM only contract (so cancel anytime).

If she’s on PAYG and hates having to top up or whatever I’d seriously think about sorting this for her if I was her dad - it’s a pretty cheap way to make her happy.

No its not. He'd have to pay what £20 a month. That's £240

Or £120 by your amounts.

You need to ring kids and tell them their expectations on the list are ridiculous. £1k each would be out of the question in my house. I'd tell them a budget then ask them to redo list checking they are not going over set budget and your DH is an absolute idiot if he passed on a list of gifts worth a minimum of £100 each on to his relatives. I'd ring them and tell them they were sent the wrong list by mistake. Ask for money towards an item on the list or they all put together to buy one expensive item. I'd ask DH to stick to amount on calculator in future but then he can buy his DC school uniform, a warm coat, new trainers etc too.

Sad for DSD because it sounds like her head is being played with a bit by her mum. Seems like it’d be kinder to manage her expectations than the games with her ex (and by extension, you) through her daughter. What age is DSD?

DH sounds like he’s not really taking this in hand in a timely manner? Has DSD no GPs willing to gently explain why it’s not reasonable or polite to have a list made of £100+ items? My DPs would be straight in there talking about oranges in stockings🤣

If you have a look at that link, you can go under £10 a month. And teens do cost that bit more. £10 a month is £2.50 a week.

Say no. Even if you had a limitless budget, you presumably wouldn't give a child every expensive present they asked for, because you wouldn't want them to be spoilt and taking you for granted.

I mean - how much does her top-up PAYG cost? It must be £5-10 a month. I’m sure her dad and mum could change their DD to a contract instead. Easy win, I’d say.

How old is DSD and who pays for her phone now? Having a phone is an essential, sadly. As someone has said you can get very cheap sim-only deals for about £10/month with loads of data. I see that as a living expense, not a Xmas present. So your DH could pay the %equivalent of how often he has the DSCs.
A phone is a different matter and definitely a present if they want over and above a decent working smartphone.

How much maintenance does he give, and how much time do the DC stay with him?

If you think £20 per month is too much for him to pay for a phone contract each month, why do you think his ex (who presumably is already feeding / clothing / housing the kids?) should be able to pay it?

If the SDCs DPs can't agree on a joint budget, then it's not unnatural for the DM to say ask your DF if it's out of her price range.

Granted the timing isn't great, but that could be down to SDCs rather than their DM.

You actually don't need to do anything, just leave it down to their DF to deal with it.

Look. He pays enough maintenance get over it.

But as a parent that would be a seriously appaling thing to do. The legal minimum is to make sure properly pathetic losers are atleast contributing something, generally nowhere near half of what the DC cost.

If your DH wants her to improve her income, maybe offer to look after the DC 50% of the time. What is with SMs on here this week?

Right and that's why I said he could he pays enough. If she can't be bothered to improve her income other than through him then why should DH?

Wow, no need to be rude!

Because if he is paying maintenance for a teen then she has presumably had years picking up the slack where your DH hasn't been doing his fair share and that affects your earning capacity. Why can't your DH be bothered to improve his income?

My ex and I buy expensive items between us. DD 16 had a laptop for her birthday.

Or you could just say no sorry we can't afford it and neither can your mum.

As parents we can't always say yes to everything!

Has someone (step child or husband's ex) mentioned outright about your kitchen? You've mentioned it a couple of times. If someone got a new kitchen, it wouldn't make me think they were a high earner - it's just something you need to replace once or twice over the course of owning a house, same as you might need the roof redoing or your windows.

I don’t think a phone contract is a big ask at all for a teen; I find it quite sad tbh. Can your OH not put her on his family plan or something? Maybe this year her mum wants to get her daughter something nice and more fun, as she pays all the drudge stuff year round.

I would expect a NRP to pay for the phone contract of a teenager TBH, maybe jointly with the ex. Does he really begrudge his daughter £10-20 a month for an essential? It wouldn't be a present either, just a parent covering their child's necessary expenses.

I would also expect a parent, any parent, to have saved up to provide a reasonable gift budget for their child and Christmas and on birthdays. How much exactly that is will depend on income and circumstances, but I would think generally in the teen years £1-200 isn't unreasonable unless you're really on the bones of your arse. So that seems like it would get at least one, if not two items off her list.

In general, most responsible NRPs pay CM to cover food/basic clothing/housing/loss of earnings, and then share specific costs (school trips/school uniforms/pocket money/club subs/driving lessons/childcare etc) 50/50.