How do we deal with the expensive requests?

[geckofrog]

So teen DSC's mum has clearly been saying "no, ask your dad" to some rather expensive requests. Phone contract, expensive clothing, a trip to a theme park with mates. The Christmas list this year was frankly embarrassing to give to their relatives who had asked for it as they usually spend about £20-£30 and everything on it was £100 plus. Not just one item, about 10.

Anyway how do we deal with this? Thing is I'm the higher earner at the moment and I do have some spare cash so I'm wondering if this has somehow come across as dad must have money of they are doing up their kitchen.

Should we just say no, ask your mum? Even though it's obvious she's sent DSC our way.

You just tell them what the budget is and tell them they can chose what they like within the budget. When I was with dh (no longer together) I had 3 step kids, the budget was always £100, they could have cash or chose a present (or 2 or 3) within the budget. When we had out own dc we spent a little more on them but not a lot, mainly because step children were getting double (£100 from each parent).

I find it really rude of them to make a list where most the items are £100+ and expect relatives to chose off the list. They should have been told that the limit is £20-£30 from relatives and £xxx from their dad (or both of you if that’s how you want to word it). It’s not really down to you to spend your money to get the things they are asking for, it’s up to your dh and he should be giving them a budget.

Honestly don’t know why you are blaming the mum.

teens like expensive shite. Take a look at what normal wishlists are for tweens now. Whether they get it is a different thing- but expensive ‘adult’ cosmetics and smellies and new tech is absolutely par for the course.

you don’t say how old your child is- I imagine younger, in which case you will see!

HER contribution to her own kids will vastly outweigh the maintenance she receives whether he pays over the pitiful minimum amount or not. Is she also the main care giver? So whilst he’s free to work she’s taking the lion’s share or parenting duties. Your attitude towards a child that existed before you met your dh is shocking

You’re really trying to make out the mum is evil. The SCs are likely just being teens. Tell your OH to parent them!

Geez I’m so glad my DCs step mum was such a lovely woman. The only criticism I have of her is she spoiled them rotten - with her time and her money.

Shes not evil don't be ridiculous

It seems so silly to quibble over a blood phone contract that's a tenner a month. Mum can pay a fiver, dad can pay a fiver. Or split it 1/3-2/3 if that's more acceptable. But you're fussing over a few pounds for something that's a normal living expense, not Xmas present material!

Yes she could pay a fiver. That's the whole point. Do we say that. Does DH say no way ask your mum for half? When they don't talk?

Ignore demands and expectations from the ex when it comes to presents at any time of year. And don’t mention anything about halves or ‘speak to your mum’ - don’t lower yourself.

Ignore any lists from ex. Get DSC to write a list with you and DH then sit with them and cross off anything crazy, explaining why.

If they want to save for a big thing and GPs are happy to contribute cash then fine. But other relatives should only be given very reasonable items or ideas or you all look grabby.

He doesn’t need to mention ex. Just say, “sure, I’ll pay £5”

Not sure if DSc is closer to 13 or 18 but if she can do chores or have a Saturday job then maybe encourage her to save the rest herself. No need to mention her mother at all. Just do you own thing.

You just set a budget. Or Dad died.

Kids, your gift list. Totally out of budget. Your granny and aunts need stuff under X. Your total off me and SMom is Y

You sound a real peach.

The problem is that some if these gifts are really about lifestyle wants. A mobile phone is a need, an iphone is a want. If the dsc family budget doesn’t stretch to it then the gift budget, which is a subset of the family budget, doesn’t stretch to it either. But OP and her DH are treated as extraneous to the family budget—they are treated as a source of resource extraction. The Christmas wish list is a source of contention because the kids see it as a chance to get something big from outside the constraints of what they know as the family budget/style.

I don’t think the mom is at fault. “Ask your father” is a perfectly reasonable thing to say. It kets the kids know gheir fantasy requests are out of line eith the mither’s budget. Now dh needs to have the same conversation.

^This all of this tbh.

Teens can be like this I'm not gonna lie, ours asked for an Apple mac book and she had a new laptop 3 months ago. I left it with dh and he said no you have a budget of x

Until mum kicked off saying well your wife has one 😅 why should dsd get the scraps etc.

So I text her that I paid for my own laptop with my own money, and also reminded her that I also pay for the horse, stables and general maintenance of dsd horse (we have separate horses before anyone thinks I share a horse with a teen 😅) and none of the above is paid via joint account.

We keep our finances separate for this reason alone as I'm a high earner.

I pay for a lot for dsd off my own back and paid for half of laptop that was purchased 3 months ago with dh. Anyway I got expletives back from mum so I gave myself a Christmas present and blocked her. Any issues she will pick up with dh.

That said I explained to dsd the situation and she was more than happy to stick within the budget dad gave her. Sometime a conversation is all that's needed tbh. Adults are weird when it comes to blended families

Sorry you paid for a HORSE for your DSD and she still wanted more from you?! Ridiculous!

Just give vouchers for the shop that sells the thing in the amount you can afford. So if they want a £100 hoody from JD Sports then tell family tat SC would like vouchers for JD sports please. No one ends up spending more than normal and the SC adds up several gifts to get the thing they want.

@geckofrog to be fair it's not dsd who wants more.The cost of the horse isn't really the costly thing, it's the associated bills.

Can you tell I have been quizzed on here before on who pays for the horse 🤣

That said the best gift you can do is remove yourself from this agg and let your dh handle it. And if the request are coming from outside sources then actually the result will likely be happier unit all around.

I have 2 older DSC who are now out of school so have done the whole teen expensive gift phase. Your husband needs to put boundaries in place with them and have a rough budget in mind. The kids had x amount off us and sent some ideas to fit in with that budget. Then we would get a few surprise bits/treats etc. As for a phone contract find a cheap one and split it in half then deduct from the CMS payment for her half. That sort of thing in my opinion isn't part of what CMS should pay for and just part of having older kids. Although my DSC never had a contract for over £15 per month. If they wanted a new phone they had a refurbished one for birthday/christmas.

Our mid teen nephew definitely doesn't understand the value of money at all, whereas 18yo niece totally gets it as she's been working for a couple of years. YANBU OP, cheeky but needs better communication on their side.

How much does he spend on Christmas on his dc? Tbh you do sound resentful my income was reduced and my dh stepped ho and folked out 100 quid on my ds alone this Christmas and I the same. We are a team. He didn't turn round and tell me to pay my own son and he would get the other two.

Tbh if my dd sent me a wish list of £1000 worth of items - I would be pretty pissed off tbh. I certainly would be expecting my partner to handle any aspect of that.

Even if he offered.

In the nicest possible way, what does it have to do with you?

DP sorts his kids presents, I sort mine. None of my business what they ask for or what he spends as it comes out of his money and likewise for mine!

My 12 year old has less actual presents this year as she has reached the years where she wants specific brands etc. no biggie, bought her what I was willing to spend and then let her dad know assuming hell
do the same

FGS.

I don't think it's unreasonable for teens to ask for iPhones etc.

I'm sure the OP won't begrudge her own DD expensive gifts once the time comes.

But it seems every penny spent on the DSCs is resented.

@NameChangeAgain23 from the sounds of it @geckofrog will be subsidising the gifts if they go by the list. If that is the case it is very much to do with her because its her earned money, not DPs.

I find this the hardest part of our blended family. Mainly because I don't like feeling like I have a financial obligation towards my DSS.

How do you know what OP spends on her children? And more to the point why should a step parent be expected to spend a small fortune on their step child for Christmas if they have two parents that will buy them presents?

Personally I do contribute to my DSS gifts but the expectation from his Mum is that DH and I buy the PS5s, etc and she buys the cheap stuff because I earn more than her and DH. We have 5 children between us and a budget we stick to. I've never spent over £150 on gifts for my children at Christmas. If they've wanted something very expensive I've clubbed together with my parents and grandparents for them.

Would an extra £10 a month be unaffordable for your DH?

If he can’t afford £10 and needs the £5 back, he can just take out the £10 a month contract and reduce his CM by £5 a month.

A £10 phone contract really shouldn’t be a dealbreaker for a teen, imo. Like I say, different if they’re demanding an iPhone 15 but that doesn’t seem to be the case in this scenario.