How do we deal with the expensive requests?

[geckofrog]

So teen DSC's mum has clearly been saying "no, ask your dad" to some rather expensive requests. Phone contract, expensive clothing, a trip to a theme park with mates. The Christmas list this year was frankly embarrassing to give to their relatives who had asked for it as they usually spend about £20-£30 and everything on it was £100 plus. Not just one item, about 10.

Anyway how do we deal with this? Thing is I'm the higher earner at the moment and I do have some spare cash so I'm wondering if this has somehow come across as dad must have money of they are doing up their kitchen.

Should we just say no, ask your mum? Even though it's obvious she's sent DSC our way.

If he pays over maintenance then the discussion for next year should be I can pay the bare minimum and save the extra for Christmas or we can continue as we are and you help manage expectations

Ive been shot down for this before but I have never had these issues (although both my dc do have iphones on contrat anyway. They werent presents).

i have always, since they could count, given my children a budget. Then I buy items i think theyll like on top of that budget so they still het surprises. They have always worked to the budget. It started with circling items in the smyths catalogue, working out the cost, prioritising items to get it in budget, to now they do their own online searches. As theyve got older they have said they really would like x but it is way out of budget… so we have had workarounds. Eg last year ds wanted a ps5. He did jobs and saved spending money and paid for the out-of-budget amount himself.

your dh should be giving them a budget in early September. Let them manage their expectations.

However: I don't pay anything for them really I just put an amount based on income into the joint account and it comes from there.

if it is joint account money then you are.

I feel for you. We don’t have this problem with teen step kids, we’ve had to repeatedly ask them for ideas as there isn’t much they want. It’s not inevitable that teens are grabby or obsessed with money. But it sounds tricky and clear firm boundaries and managing expectations are key. Your money is yours, nothing to do with the ex.

He isnt a prince for paying above the appalling low minimum.

My dh sorts out gifts for dsc and I have no input.
If it's expensive tech, he'll often go halves with his ex, or they'll suggest to relatives to give dsc cash to save for it themselves. Seems to work well so i agree with the pp who recommended saying he'd be willing to split costs.

No one said he is. But anything extra is his choice rather than his obligation.

Dc ask and dps say yes or no. That’s pretty normal.

Set a budget, that you and dh agree on, then communicate that to them.
I specify to my teens that their wishlist needs to contain ideas in a certain price ranges. It’s no secret that Auntie X usually spends about €30, Granny is only ever going to buy books, and Uncle Y is in the tenner range.

This is all part of teaching dc about money. And holding boundaries is an absolutely fundamental part of parenting but one that divorced dads can often struggle with.

Meh. He just needs to say ‘Sorry DD, we’ve already bought your Christmas present, sweetheart.’

I looked with interest at the site my teen wanted to show me yesterday with all the cool things… but I 100% don’t feel like I need to buy any or feel bad about not doing so or that DC won’t be delighted on the day with what they’ve got.

Yes, the gift-list process might need some managing with ex - luckily as your DSD is a teen her Dad can ask her directly for ideas on his own timescale, no real need for his ex to gatekeep any more. The open communication here needs to be with teen kid primarily, I reckon.

Get over it. He's paying a fair amount above the legal. The poster is right. If mum keeps trying to get more and more while not sorting her own income out then DH could quite easily say right - I'm paying CMS and that's it. He's not a bank.

I’d also be asking, is it a new iPhone + contract she wants, or is the phone itself the important thing? If she wants an iPhone 15 well clearly that’s just not going to happen. But if she wants an upgrade on her current phone and more data than her current PAYG deal or whatever, then there are options. Refurbished secondhand iPhone + a good data package on SIM only is likely achievable for an upcoming birthday if her dad and ex club together.

Forget what their mum has said. Your DH needs to tell them what the budget is for gifts so they know that anything outside of that won't be possible. That's it.
I'm assuming that their dad supports them adequately through maintenance and all the add costs that teens incur? If so, he just needs to be firm. And you don't need to get involved at all. You certainly don't give a ridiculous gift list to relatives!

Unfortunately they don't do clubbing together as mum always says it's unfair as "we", she means he, can afford more so she can't afford half

This is where the ‘communicate directly with teen’ comes in. Her dad looks at how much a lower-spec refurb iPhone + data SIM is, offers teen £X towards the total costs, tells teen to discuss with mum and then - if you can afford to - offer teen opportunity to save up any difference by doing odd jobs or what have you.

I’m assuming she has a working phone, btw! If not then obviously that’s something that should be discussed between mum & dad.

If I were your DH I would say sorry DD your list came in some time ago and I have finished my Christmas shopping.

He was silly/rude to not check the list before passing it to relatives. I would apologise and say in general perhaps DD would prefer cash or a voucher and some sweets as that way she can save for a big ticket item. Many families do this anyway.

Perhaps I missed how old the DC is? Surely choose a gift to the value of X is understood from about age 9 onwards or certainty the post believing years.

Our DD got an iPhone last year. It was my old one, put away for 6months (has kept box etc) set up with a payg sim and new case. She was over the moon.

You sound a bit resentful to be honest.
Saying mum should up her income etc. Did she do the brunt of the parent work? Did he have the kids equally?

Teenagers want expensive stuff, that's not news. Why are you taking it so personally? Obviously DH buys what he can afford.

No he's not a bank but he should be treating his kids to the lifestyle he can afford

What I mean is that if you do it this way, asking teen to figure out how to get it, then she can pester her mum, or grandparents/relatives on that side to chip in towards the 50%. You stay out of being the ones to ask mum. And if her mum says she can’t afford it then teen gets the cash and can save up longer if she really wants.

What do you and her dad have as phones? No chance of a hand-me-down when either of you upgrade?

Ahh right I see. No she has the phone. Just wants the contract.

Sorry I'm not resentful of her. I'm just a bit annoyed with people harping on about his maintenance payments and contributions but not even considering HER contribution to her own kids.

A mobile phone contract isn't a gift tbh, it is kind of an essential so she should have that anyway. Does she have one now?

Then her mum should be providing it

Why should her mum be the one to provide it? The onus is on him as well. If neither of them are at the moment, what does she currently have?

Just get your DH to tell them what their budget is. You sound very bitter about their mum it’s clear you can’t stand her so assume she is to blame rather than teenagers liking expensive things

If it's that much of an essential her mum would have provided it. It's not so it clearly isn't

I've never met her! I haven't got a clue if I like her. She's bitter about us and our home but she can improve her lot if she's that bothered and wants to provide her child a phone contract

I always offer to go 50/50 on expensive gifts with my dd's father.